Hercules and The Marathon

by GillyRose

Hercules has to train Helen of Troy to run in the Great Athenian Women's Footrace...and she has to beat Atalanta to do it.Will Herc and Icarus stoop to chicanery and cheat with Aphrodite's golden apples? You bet they will!

Hercules... and the Marathon

Icarus came careening through the air, the beeswaxed wings flapping frantically in the breeze. He veered towards one of the outside tables at the Speedy Pita, but a sudden updraft caught him unawares and slammed him right into a wall. He managed to land in a heap of collapsed feathers at Herc's feet and rolled over, groaning in pain.

"Oooohhh...OK...That's gonna leave a mark!"

Herc laughed and leaned over to help him up .

"Having a bad day?"

"You know it...I swear, some mornings, it's not worth chewing through the restraints!"

Cassandra stared moodily into her drink and frowned.

"Ya know...The scary part is, he's not kidding."

"It has been one of those days, actually," said Herc, "Phil and I were planning to go to a Weekend Warrior Workshop next week and it was canceled at the last minute...and then he got sick anyway...now I have nothing to do ...and it's been really dull around here lately."

Cass gave him one of her quirky grins. "Don't tell me you have'nt heard about the Grand National Hellenic Marathon Footrace from Thessaly to Corinth?...That's coming up in the next three weeks."

"Really?"

Cassandra reached into her backpack and handed Herc a parchment.

"Some sort of..."Zeus honoring " thing."

Herc brightened, his whole face lighting up like a torch at Cassandra's news.

"A marathon footrace to hold up the honor of Zeus! Really? All riiight!...Count me in, I am Sooo there.!"

"Yeah, well- "

"Can you believe I just bought a new pair of racing sandals last week?"

"Well... yeah, but-"

"I'll just do a couple of thousand warm-up laps-"

"Uh, Herc-"

"Tell Phil to set up some of my running equipment-"

"Hold on, Glory Boy!"

"Huh? what?"

"This is one race you're not running!"

"Why? did I miss the sign-up deadline?"

"No...you've just got... the wrong equipment!"

"Huh?"

Cassandra waved the parchment in his face. "Read this, Dummy! It's women only. A race to celebrate the Festival of Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt. It's part of yet another holiday extravaganza scedualed to honor your Dad...and Artemis...They're looking for the swiftest females in the Hellenic world to compete."

Herc grabbed the parchment and scanned it. "Oh...oh...ok..I see...but it's being..."brought to you by Aphrodite's Secret?"

"Corporate sponsers, ya gotta love 'em. I think the idea is to highlight how superlative physical strengh and endurance gives you the kind of body that looks great lounging around in nothing but a thong loincloth. In fact, the winner gets a modeling contract with the store and becomes their regional representative."

"So where does the "Zeus/Artemis honoring" part come in?"

"Something tells me it's a bit of an afterthought, but the truth is, Athens would get a serious shot on the arm, reputation wise. Boosts tourism, and it's one more black eye for Sparta...If...we could beat them. They got some fiercesome femininity over there."

Herc nodded. "You're telling me... OK...well... Pro Ac will have to come up with a suitable candidate...hmm...Icarus, who would you choose?...Icarus? Icarus? wake up!"..Herc turned to his friend who was staring sightlessly out over the horizon, pita sandwich in mid-bite. Herc gave him a playful whack on the head.

"I said...Wake up!"

"Thong loincloth...thong loincloth...huh? what? oh..hi...I was just day dreaming...wondering how my Cassums would look in a ...{gulp} thong loincloth"...

Cass growled.

"That's funny. ...'cause "Cassums" was just wondering how you'd look in a shroud."

Icarus fluttered his eyelashes seductively."Aw co'mon...are you saying you that if I bought you a thong loincloth you would'nt model it for me?"

Cass folded her arms. "No, I'm saying I'd rather give Priapus a lapdance."

"Well... who would'nt!"

"Icarus! I asked you," repeated Herc patiently, "who you think should enter the race to represent Pro Ac?"

"Well, my "Reason For Living," of course!" grinned Icarus, "Just look at her! She's a natural born athelete! The grace of the dolphin...the heart of a lioness... the legs of a centipede!"

Herc shook his head in mock alarm. "Cassandra in the Marathon?...Oh yeah...right...now that's the worst idea I've heard since Odysseus said... "Hey, Everybody! Look at this swell cave! It's the perfect hideout!"

Cass gave him a bitter smile."You know...I'd kick you if that was'nt so true."

Icarus threw his arm around her and she winced. "Awww...I'll bet you could out-run Zeus'es very lightning...I'll bet you could be the fastest moving object in the cosmos!

"Only... if You were chasing me. And we were both naked."

"That can be arranged!"

"In your dreams!"

"OK!"

Icarus snapped his eyes shut and started smiling.

"Wow...nice dimples..."

Cassandra whacked him. "STOP THAT!"

Herc leaned his hand on his chin and mentally ran through all the possible female contenders at Pro Ac.

"Well...no offense Cass, but there's only one clear choice that has a shot at defeating anyone from Troy or Sparta. And that... would be Tempest."

All three of them glanced over a few tables where the barbarian beauty just happened to be sitting. She was leaning over to tie her sandal.

"Hey, Tempest!" called out Herc."How are ya doing?"

She looked up for a moment, and her flashing eyes narrowed suspiciously. Then she pulled a human skull out of her bookbag and spit on it, elaborately ignoring Herc and polishing her trophy with a bit of cloth until the ivory surface gleamed.

Cass shook her head."That... is one creepy... girl."

Icarus grinned. "Takes one to know one!"He turned to Herc, "You gonna go over and talk to her?"

"I'm not sure. She kinda scares me. Why don't You do it?"

"Cause she's an Amazon!, that's why...they eat their own, ya know!...c'mon... you go up there...You're the "big- brave-hero-in-training!"

"And you're the uninhibited-motor-mouth-who-likes-to-take-risks!"

"Ok, ok, we will do this scientifically." Icarus stood up and started waving his finger in the air back and forth between him and Herc, who looked on in puzzlement.

"Eeeny Meeny Miny Mo-

Catch a Gorgon by the toe-

If she sees you, let her go -

Eeeny Meeny Miny-"

"THAT'S scientific?"

"My -Mother-Says -To -Pick-The-Very-Last-"

"Will you quit that? Ok, Ok, I'll go over already!"

Herc sauntered over and waved the sports parchment hopefully at the warrior maiden.

"Hey Tempest...whatcha doin'?"

"Finishing my Mother's Day gift. It was gonna be a paperweight. But Mom already has one. So I'm making it into a drinking goblet. I just have to make sure the eye sockets are sealed up good and tight!"

Icarus clutched Cassandra's sleeve."I think I'm gonna to be sick."

Herc smiled admiringly.."It's really nice...uh...Anyone I know?" He added a feeble laugh.

She stared at him in dead silence without twitching a muscle.

"Ahem...well...So..I guess you heard about the Marathon, huh?"

"Yes."

"Exciting news, huh?"

"Yes."

"So...looks like they're trying out for the fittest females in the land"...

"Yes."

Icarus whispered to Cass. "I don't think this is going so well..."

Cass frowned. "Really? what gave it away?"

Herc cleared his throat..."So... are you trying out for the race, Tempest?...give Sparta... a "run for their money," so to speak?"

She did'nt bother to look up from her skull polishing but answered in a cold monotone.

"Of course I am. I am an Amazon. It is the way of our people. We gladly feast on the vitals of those who would subdue us."

Icarus nodded to Cassandra. "She's a player, all right!"

Herc stared at Tempest for a second, gathering his thoughts. "Yeah...well ya know...I was thinking more along the lines of a..."healthy spirit of competion" kinda thing...and,uh, ya know," he added hopefully "as a demi-god warrior hero-in-training I'd be honored to help coach you."

Icarus nodded enthusiatically. "Hey, I'll help too!...GO TEAM!"

Cass glared at him."Since when have you embraced the jock mentality?"

"Hey! I've always been an athletic supporter!"

Tempest sneered."The day I need a couple of weakling males like YOU two to coach ME is the day I climb onto my funeral pyre... dead or alive!"

Cass sat up straight."OK... who did'nt see that one coming? Raise your hand!"

Herc smiled apologetically. "Well..I... just thought I'd help..ya know...if ya needed any...advice..."

Tempest stood up and threw her sword on the table with a clatter."I'll enter the tryouts ...I'll represent Athens. I will run like the winds of Aoleus. And I will cream the competition. Their lungs will bleed!"

Icarus grinned at Herc. "Atta girl! Is'nt she inspirational?"

Herc grinned back. "Victory, my dear buddy, is assured!"

Meanwhile, up on Olympus at one of their oh-so-fashionable cocktail-parties...

Ares quaffed his griffin blood wine and stared moodily over the goblet's rim at his sister Athena. She was chatting merrily away amidst a throng of admiring goddesses and her sparkling, delightfully witty comments were increasingly pissing him off. She was animated, popular and happy, and everyone was complimenting her on what a beautiful city Athens had become, and what a hallmark of cultural and intellectual achievement! Inspired by her, the mortals were postively outdoing themselves in learning and artistic enrichment, and it was all due to her wise and loving supervision. And now she was bragging about how Athens would win the Hellenic Women's Marathon Footrace! It made Ares want to drop a load of thunderbolts on the joint and wipe it right off the map. He felt like a complete outcast.

And, speaking of complete outcasts,{in fact, the main outcast himself} Hades, Lord of the Underworld saw his opportunity and sauntered over to Ares with his patented, poisonously casual smile.

"Hey,hey, hey! El War God Supremo! How's it hangin, Friend?...low and lazy?""

"Not now, Hades, I'm in a bad mood."

"Whoa, There's a newsflash! Let me get back up off of the floor...uh...may I be so bold as to enquire as to the reason for this unfortunate but not entirely unprecedented state of mind?"

"What doya think? it's my rotten sister Athena...bragging her head off again about that dumb egghead citystate of hers and that precious Marathon she's gonna win. She ticks me off more every day...I'd give anything to win that race for Sparta."

"Really ?... would you destroy the Etruscans?"asked Hades, hopefully.

"Hmmm... that's a tall order...but...yeah... we could trump up some reason. Why?"

"Well...they...uh... need destroying.., that's why. The truth is, things are pretty dull Down Under, and I'd give anything for a nice juicy violent war right about now. You owe me Ares...remember the Big Games and my Sack of Athens Wing?"

"Hey! Zeus screwed that one up for us, don't blame me!..I was ready to march into Athens right then and there and turn it into a parking lot...had the salt ready and everything!"...and, well, you were there...you know the story. And darn it, with Zeus backing up Athens as usual we're bound to get beaten again!...*&*%# favoritism!"

"I thought you Spartans bred some fiercesome females...I would think any one of your contenders could wipe up the floor with any chickie-poo that attends Pro Ac..."

"Yeah...you'd think so...but word on the street is, any winner will have to look halfways decent, 'cause she's going to represent "Aphrodite's Secret"...and I hear they got Tempest the Amazon to run..."

"So?"

"She's a triple threat...she's got the drive, the speed and the looks...Spartan women...are... not known for their ...physical endowments, if ya get my drift."

"Major bowsers, are what I hear ya sayin'," said Hades.

"...and somehow, with Zeus backing Athens, I just get the feeling we're never gonna come out on top."

"#^*&^*Zeus&*%!...Hades stroked back his flames and pondered a bit. "Tell ya what, Ares ...I'll cut you a deal...and this is on the level."

"I'm listening."

"If... I sponser Sparta...and find someone suitably ..."babe-a-licious" to run circles around the Amazon skirt...will you be a nice military maniac and pound the crapola out of some undeserving city-state? Does'nt Have to be the Etruscans, that was just a ..."for-instance"...uh...any city state... that happens to take your fancy will do"...Hades cast a sidelong glance at Athena and when he smiled his triangular teeth suddenly seemed longer and a whole lot sharper.

Ares grinned."I like the way you think, Mister."

The two gods shook hands and Ares winced, tough as he was, at Hade's scalding touch. The Underworld god grinned.

"Pleasure doin' business with ya!"

"But I want an overwhelming victory, Hades! I want Humiliation!I want to rub it in my sister's face like it was V pounds of steaming minotaur poop!"

Hades giggled."Ah...healthy Sibling Rivalry...can ya feel the love?"

So, sometime later, back down in the Underworld, Hades was found to be scanning, deep in thought, over his infernal Rolodex, pondering names worthy of racing potential. Suddenly he paused, and smiled.

"Atalanta," he murmered out loud..."Here's our baby!..."

He flipped to the card and pulled it out, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction.

Pain looked up from his memo pad, all ready to take notes.

"Found someone, Boss?"

"Affirmative! my dear little yutz. A comely young mortal maiden by the name of... "Atalanta". Says here she's a superlative runner, athlete and huntress. She grew up in the wilderness...Mom and Dad did'nt want a girl, so she was exposed at birth and abandoned in the woods to die."

"Wow...where'd they get their parenting skills?"

Hades read the card. "Hmmm...says here she was found by bears... and adopted by them. Raised in a cave."

Panic nodded. "So...I take it...she's incredibly... tough, wiry, swift and has lots of endurance?"

"Well, she was raised by bears. That's good enough for me."

"Plus, she's a Babe!...Schwing!" added Panic, looking over her picture and reacting with a mildly obscene gesture.

"Ok ...I did'nt really need to see that," advised Hades, "so Don't ever do that again!... Let's just find this broad and cut the deal-"

"But Boss," said Pain, examining her resume,"she's not from Sparta...does'nt that make a-"

Hades laughed derisively, snapped his fingers and produced a certificate out of thin air.

"Change of address form, Boys. She is now!"

Pain marveled."You're... good... Boss."

Panic nodded. "The great ones make it look so easy"...

Hades shrugged modestly. "Hey, when yer right, yer right. For once."

He paused...and suddenly cocked his head.

"You guys... hear something?"

Pain paused too, and furrowed his brow."Yeah...I do...A sortov... sobby... whining... brokenhearted crying ... Like somewhere Upstairs there's a mortal pleading for help or mercy? someone who's willing to degrade themselves in return for a god's favor because there's no depravity they won't turn to, no depth to which they won't sink?"

"This is the part of the job I just love!" giggled Hades, rubbing his hands with happy anticipation. "Stay right here...I'll be right back!"

And, of course. Pain was correct. There was indeed a whiny sobbing desparate mortal Upstairs who was willing to sink to the dephs of depravity...and we find him way... way up on the Earth's surface, hiding behind some colomns in a palace garden. Prince Adonis, the golden boy of Prometheus Academy and heir to the Thracian Throne, had fallen to his knees and was yelling desparately into the ground.

"Beseeching Hades! oh please! besseeching Hades! are you there?..I've got a big time beseechment and I'm ready to deal!"

The ground burst open with a steam fueled BOOM!

Hades exploded into view."Well, well, well! if it is'nt Evil's answer to the Amateur Hour!" He folded his arms and looked down at Adonis in amused contempt as the prince threw himself on the god's sandals, slobbering them with drooly kisses.

"Nice groveling".

"Oh, Hades, -hear my Plea-and thankyou thank you thank you thankyou for answering my call!"

Hades examined his fingernails and heaved a bored sigh.

"Ya got 60 seconds, Smalltime. Thrill me."

"Oh, most Dreaded Lord of the Underworld...Your Infernal Morbidness...I've been...a very, very, bad boy..."

Hades ears pricked up. "This has promise...So?...spill your guts. I mean that figuratively, of course. For now."

Adonis sat back on his heels and ran trembling fingers through his glossy blond mane. "Well..it's...like this...I..basicly...I spent the weekend in Knossos gambling at knucklebones and I...I lost all of the family fortune!...the money, the chariots, the treasure, the villa...all of it!"

"Ya don't say..."

"Mumsie and Daddums don't know it yet, but they're not worth a plugged drachma!."

"And I should give a rat's ass... because?"

"I need money! wept the prince, prostrate on the ground, "I need money to cover my debts!I need money to pay off the creditors!..."I need money! or I'll wind up being... sold into... slavery!..{sob!}

"...So?"

"So? So? do you want to see me working in a copper mine in Cyprus?"

"Is this a rhetorical question? ...because the light from planet "I Don't Care" will take a few hundred years to reach your answer."

The prince howled and threw himself on the ground."PLLLLEEEEEZZZEEEEE!'"

Hades yawned. "Cry me a River Styxx babe, no can do."

"But...Why?"

"Well..for starters...I don't like you, ..and, secondly, see, I never deal unless I get something majorly out of it, Pretty Boy, and you're already on my list, so I...hmmm...wait!...hold that thought"...

Hades stroked his chin and stared down at the quivering prince.

..."Does'nt your family have a definative number of holding shares in Aphrodite's Secret.?"

"Grandad founded the company. He always did like a pretty ankle."

"Waitaminute...the plot thickens...tellya what...I'm in a ...whimsical mood...so, ya know..like..{just for shits and giggles, mind you}...let's you and me talk a deal...

"Anything!"

" I happen to have a li'l ...project coming up in which it is most important that Sparta wins a certain Marathon..."

"The Footrace?"

"Yes, you got it, the Footrace. Now I have my own little contender I'm planning to enter, and I'd say she's a sure thing...but just ...to make sure this is a positive slam dunk I'd like to remove..."what's her name?"

"Tempest?"

"Yes...Tempest...neatly out of the way."

"But-"

"I want you to talk Tempest out of this race.".

"How could I do that?"

"Oh... I don't know...remind her of all her responsibilities that will be hers as the Aprodite's Secret winner...tell her that we're all looking forward to seeing her cute little caboose gracing the pages of the Aphrodite's Secret brochure...that should go over like a bronze balloon...remind her of all those brainless ribbon cutting ceremonies..and the businessmen she will inevitably be expected to be nice to...if that doe'snt work just throw a shareholder's meeting and VOTE her out, that Always works, jeez, do I have to paint you a freakin' mural?...JUST GET HER DISQUALIFIED, OK?.. ...and, insert a sure fire loser{Helen of Troy comes to mind}to take her place..and .I'll lend you a bundle to bet on Sparta..{at 40 % interest, of course}"... here the god whirled his hand in the air and a bag of gold coins appeared over Adonis'es head and poured down in a shower over him.

"Ouch!"

"...You make sure that Helen runs instead of Tempest...and you make Sure she loses...that way Sparta is guarenteed to win, you make yer dough, Ares triumphs, Athens writhes in humiliation, and I get...well, never mind what I get...The point is eveybody goes home happy!"

"Well...I..."

The god cocked his head and smiled conspiratorily. "...not to mention the fact that it would seriously piss off Hercules bigtime, and that's always a bonus."

"So...in order to save face...I mean..the only way I can get out of this mess is to deceive my beloved..."

"You gotta problem with that?"

..."You want me to lie to Helen, use her as a ringer... make her look like a laughing stock and then win a pile of cash betting on her competitor? There's a word for that Hades...a very ugly word... I think it's called ..."betrayal"...

"Gee... I hope the irony is'nt lost on ya."

"But!-"

Hades shrugged, snapped his fingers and instantly manifested a large vision cloud in which a starved looking sweaty Adonis was chained to the wall of a Cyprian copper mine, trying to scratch ore out of the rock with a dull spoon. He was naked, his head was shaved bald, the temperature was 110 degrees and a cruel mine guard was whomping his butt with a metal tipped cat o' nine tails.{You had to hand it to Hades. He never pulled any punches with hisvisions and he was especially proud of this one. }

"Ah...you were saying?"

Adonis stared, drop jawed. "Betrayal it is!"

"AH!" Hades kissed his fingertips. "la mot juste!"

And that's why, back at Pro Ac...a few days later... the critical tryout results were posted...with a surprising result...

Herc tottered over to the table in shock. His normal good natured "bon homie" was shattered, and he hurled a parchment down on the table in disgust.

Icarus, fiddling as he was eternally with some gizmo on his wing harness, glanced up at him.

"So... Buddy Boy... is our darling little... "Tempest-in-a-teapot" going to be leading the pack to Glorious Victory?"

Herc was so speechless all he could do was point at the parchment with tears welling in his eyes.

"Herky? Herky... Perky Poo? You gonna cwy?"

Herc nodded violently and threw himself face down on the ground.

Icarus glanced at the names on the list and read for several seconds. Then he got to the winner.

"Helen! They CHOSE...HELEN? ...Sweet Apollo on a Flaming Chariot!...the last time Helen ran anywhere was to a sale at the Agora!"

"I know," answered Herc miserably, still on the ground.

Icarus leaned over and addressed the prostrate Hercules.

"Aw...c'omon, Herkie...big bwave hewos don't cwy...come here and have a seat next to your ol'e pal Icky. I'll buy you some ice-creeeeem!"

Herc dragged himself up to the stone bench and plonked himself down, staring drearily at Cassandra.

"Did you see this already?"

"I had Foreseen it, if you really want to know. But as usual I kept my mouth shut. You're so cute when you're happy...I hate to have to keep bringing you down."

"But how could this happen? why did they choose that ...that" ...

"Go ahead. Say it. Brain-dead creampuff. "

"Well...yeah...I mean her ...over a magnificent seasoned athelete like Tempest? I mean she must have come in like...33rd."

Cass shrugged. "I know, I know, it hurts. She came in 34th, actually...she brought up the rear. But...she's got a hell of a rear, and it's attached to the most beautiful girl in the ancient world ...and well...she's gonna look great in an Aphrodite's Secret string loincloth."

"Well... so would Tempest! she's got a great body!"

Icarus nodded vigorously in agreement. "Too true...too true. Tall... lean...tan.. slender... ...bodacious ta-tas"...

"Yeah...but when they were doing the pre-race interviews Tempest was asked how she felt about the modeling contract part and posing around in a string loincloth and the Aphrodite's Secret guy asked her whether being in school and running around being a model and regional representative was more than she was willing to bite off."

"What happened?"

"She bit him."

"I'll try to contain my amazement." Herc flopped over again and stared dully at the sky.

"Well, anyhoo, she was voted, one way or another, out, so ...Helen got the gig."

And co-incidentally Cassandra looked across the plaza and saw Helen coming right towards them.

"Hey! look sharp...Here's our little winner now!"

Momentarily Helen bounced up to the table .

"Hi, Guys! You're not going to believe what I have to tell you! "Guess Who?" won the Marathon tryouts!...ME! ...is'nt it amazing?..Is'nt it the beaniest?"

Cassandra smiled warmly. "Yeah... it's... pretty... beany alright." She leaned over and hissed at Herc, who still had his face in his hands.

"Let's kill her now and get it over with!"

But Herc rustled up the remains of his good and noble nature.

"Uh...well Helen...you won..I'm so proud of you...really...really proud...I know you'll do Pro Ac...really...really...uh... proud..and stuff.."... he trailed off feebly.

"I know I will! it's such an honor to be chosen to represent the school!And plus I get a year's supply of free cosmetics! It's sooooo incredibly cool!"

"Cool and beany!...that's impressive!" murmered Cass.

Suddenly Adonise's sedan chair came into view and started climbing up the steps to the plaza. His slaves huffed and sweated to bring him and the chair over to the table and Adonis looked down at gang with a typical supercilious sneer.

Icarus elbowed his friend. "Herc! Heads up! Mr. Personality's here!"

Herc did'nt move."This just keeps getting better and better..."

Adonis eyed the group warily. It was of premiere importance that no one suspect he was not anything but his old self...or that he had any hand in making sure Helen had been chosen as a could'nt let anyone suspect that Helen was being set up... to lose.

"Helen!... My hummingbird, I just heard the good news!...Congratulations!...breeding will out, after all... no surprises here...it's only natural that you would come out on top..."

Cassandra aimed her gaze at Adonis and her eyes bored into him like two green gimlets.

"Yeah...Natural!...Helen beating out Tempest in the Marathon tryouts...gee..whoda thunk it?.What were the odds, Adonis?"

Helen frowned prettily."Exactly... what do you mean by that, Cassandra?"

Adonis interruptted swiftly. "She did'nt mean anything, my little Cherub Cake, she's just a bitter, twisted, jealous weirdo!"

Icarus nodded happily and raised his goblet. "That's my gal!"

"Yes, but why is she looking at you when she says that?...does... my being chosen have anything to do with your family owning Aphrodite's Secret? "

"Bingo!" said Cass.

Adonis groaned inwardly. What a time for Helen Not to be dumb.

"Of course it is'nt! ..it's just that...well...uh..people are a tad surprised...after all...Tempest is a seasoned athlete and you're just a...a ... a..cheerleader," he said, rather clumsily.

"A well stacked cheerleader," added Icarus, helpfully.

"WHAT?"...

Herc grinned. "This is getting good."

"Uhh..well!...uh...I meant to say that a girl with your refined upbringing and background normally can't..."

"Yes?"

Adonis started to sweat."Well...you normally just... one wouldnt would'nt think..that you would be up to such a ...shall we say ...sweaty...lowbrow..."plebian endeavor?"

"Adonis! are you really saying I don't have a chance win a stupid old Marathon and I should never have made the tryouts in the first place? That's pretty gosh darn ...Not Nice!"

Icarus grabbed his ears. "Such language!...do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

Adonis fell to one knee. "Forgive me, Helen, forgive me, my...oh...my ... Celestial Cuddle Cup! I feel like such a cur!...I'm not fit to paint your toenails!...{although that was the highlight at breakfast this morning..."}

Helen's pretty face clouded over with anger.

"Don't try to wiggle out of this...you have some nerve, Adonis!...you Really don't think I have a chance, do you!"

"Precious Poopsie! Au contraire!... I know you could sweep the Olympics if you tried!"

"Yeah...the Special Olympics," muttered Cass.

Icarus giggled.

Helen stood up and shook her perfectly manicured finger in Adonis'es face.

"Let me tell you something, you MIS-ter Adonis, you! I'm entered to win this race for Pro Ac...and Hercules here is going to train me!"

Herc looked startled. "Uh? well...I ...um..."

"Now That's a suggestion we all can live with! Bravo!" Suddenly Mr Parentheses appeared as if out of nowhere{he had that talent} and he came up to Herc and delivered a friendly whomping slap across his shoulders.

Herc's pita almost went down the wrong way.

"Ugggh!...what exactly.{cough, gasp}.. do you mean, Sir?"

"Just what the lady said...Hercules! you're the obvious choice to propel our Trojan Beauty into the Arms of Victory!"

"Yeah but-"

"Tut tut, {no false modesty now}...there's simply no one I know I'd rather have upholding the honor of Prometheus Academy, Athens, Artemis and Zeus{not nessessarily in that order}...think of it...A superlative athlete in your own right...a professional hero-in-training warrior ...with relatives on Olympus, no less!"{nudge, nudge, wink, wink...}I'm sure you'll do a splendid job guiding us to a Glorious Victory that will be sung in song and story for ages to come...!{unless you let us down and then all Eternity will damn you and your name and your children's children's children..} So ...Good luck!and get to work!"

Parenthese gave him another hearty whomp on the shoulders and walked away hummimg.

Icarus glanced over to Herc. "Well...That was inspirational."

Adonis stretched luxuriously, his arrogance restored.

"This should be interesting...Hercules...I guess we're all counting on you and your...so called talents to pull off this .."sports coup"...Helen, let me make up for my former lack of confidence in you...We will make a sacrifice to Nike, to thank her in advance for the glorious win I know she will let you achieve...seems appropriate, no?And then how about a spot of lunch, and a little shopping trip...I know of a certain seed pearl brooch nestled in a silk lined box with your name on it...only a few hundred yards away from here..."

"Oh, Brother!" groaned Cass.

"Love to!" squealed Helen, as she rose to climb into the sedan chair.

"Uh...maybe...we should start our training now?" said Herc, without a lot of enthusiam..."we only have three weeks...we ...maybe ...could put in some practice tonight..."

"Tonight?...I could'nt possibly do that,"she answered petulantly. "It's... "my time," you know..."

"Your ...time?"

"Yes...That Time...can't you guess?"

"Oh!"...said Herc, blushing furiously, "I beg your pardon...you..you... mean...it's that...ladie's time?"

"Of course, silly! The Midnight Madness II for I Sandal Sale at the Agora!What else?"

"OH!" said Herc, very much relieved,"well...ok...maybe ..then tomorrow early in the morning first thing?"

"Well, after lunch, for sure, and my beauty nap...and my facial, I'll meet down you by the gym. Toodles!"

And with that, the sedan chair was picked up and the slaves tottered off.

Herc groaned."I can't believe this whole Festival is going to revolve around Helen and her...abilities."

Cass nodded grimly."Or lack thereof...well...you were willing to be a trainer before...with Tempest...where'd all the enthusiasim go?"

"Yeah, sure...I was willing to train Tempest...she's a dedicated disciplined athelete who knows what it takes to win. Helen's idea of calestenics is lifting her rouge pot 40 times a day."

"Hey! Have you seen Helen's rougepot? That's not easy!"

Icarus thumped Herc heartily on the shoulder."Oh buck up, Pal o' Mine!You will be a wonderful trainer!You're the greatest! There's Nothing you can't do! You Are Hercules!You cannot fail!"

"Gimme one reason why! ".

"I'll give ya three! You're the strongest teen in the world, you're almost as good looking as me and you can't be killed by conventional means! You're the whole package, Buddy!"

"Gee... thanks. Now... all I have to do is figure out how to train Helen to race."

Cass smirked."Teach her how to walk first."Here's how it's done, Helen. First your Right foot...then your Left foot. Then your Right foot, then your Left foot. Now repeat until your'e in Carthage"...

Our Hero sighed. Again.

And so Hercules the son of Zeus set upon the task of turning Helen of Troy into a lean, mean running machine. It was a revelation for both of them.

For starters, Herc wanted Helen to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning...and Helen was unaware that there WAS a 4 o'clock in the morning. She blanched at his gymnastic lineup.

"Okay!" said Herc {eagerly mixing up some evil health concoction of Phil's invention that involved liver and oysters} "before the sun rises, you're up for a 20 minute ice cold bath...you'll run 10 miles before breakfast, do 200 sit-ups and then break for a meal of lentil porridge and coarse oat bread washed down with two ounces of fermented mare's milk, then three hours of weight lifting and calesthenics are followed by sword practice and shot putting"...

She stared at him in a sort of surreal horror.

"Ok, ok you can forget the sword practice...but ya gotta keep moving Helen, running a Marathon is all about endurance and stick-to-it-tive-ness."

"I don't like this gym chiton."

"What?"

"I don't like this gym chiton...it makes my tush look fat."

"Uhh..."

"And do you have it in another color?...'cause my sandals are wine red and they really clash."

Herc sighed.

Later on that evening, Herc met up with the gang back at The Speedy Pita. He was drowning his sorrows as his friends arrived.

Cass was surprised.

"What are you doing here? should'nt you be trotting back and forth between Thrace and Mesopotamia with Helen in tow?"

"I've been thinking"... said Herc, "just sitting here...thinking...thinking and drinking...drinking .and thinking... This is my 28th fig smoothie."

Icarus gasped. "Boy... are you gonna be regular!"

Cass gave him a sympathetic nod."I take it it's not going...great... "

"Nope...I'm more and more convinced that... this is nothing but a huge waste of time.I'm getting absolutely nothing out of this."

Icarus smiled mischieviously. "Well...there are worse ways to spend an afternoon than watching Helen of Troy work out in a skimpy gym chiton!"

Herc moaned. "Well...I have no time to admire the scenery...right now I'm working on ways just to keep her inspired...ya know...just keeping one foot going in front of the other...got any ideas?"

"Yeah," said Cass, "a credit card on a fishing pole."

Herc smiled grimly. "That might work...short of casting a magic spell on Helen which...is impossible 'cause everyone I know who could do that is a relative!"

Cass sighed. "Too bad you don't have any magical connections outside of Olympus...don't you know any sorcerors or witches or...genies or ...anything?"

Icarus shook his head."Genies don't exist. That's a scientific fact. They're mythological. Everyone knows that."

"You don't believe in genies?"

"Nah! there's no such thing... Just a turban legend."

Herc laughed and reached down to start fumbling through his backpack for something.

"Does'nt matter anyhoo... I'd never cheat like that...what's the good of winning if you didnt really win for the right reasons?"

Suddenly, a unicorn, a beautiful snowy white unicorn, ambled up to the table and started nibbling at Herc's plate.

Cassandra nudged Icarus. "Speaking of mythological...now There's something you don't see every day."

Icarus looked up and exclaimed.

"Herc!...Hercules!..do you know there's a unicorn eating your souvlaki?"

"I don't think so...{LOL}..but maybe you can hum a few bars? "

"No, really, Look!"

And when Herc turned his head he found himself indeed eyeball to eyeball with the unicorn who licked him on the nose. Before he could react, there was a whirling cloud of bright lights and sparkles, and the unicorn transformed into Artemis, Goddess of the Wild Things. She stood a good 6 feet tall and carried a gilded spear. She leaned over and gave Herc an enthusiastic and painful noogie.

"Well, Looookeee here! if it ain't ma liddle nephew jest a settin' with his frends!" she exclaimed in her country girl backwoods hillbilly twang.

"Auntie Artemis! what are you doing in ...Gyro World?"

"Well... ah admit it's rare for me to show up in the city but ah done come here to tellya that we're all rootin' for ya to get that gal Helen in tip top shape for the races! This is a huge honor for me and Athens, Honey, so we're all countin' on ya!"

"Oh...yes...well... of course"... said Herc weakly ..."It's coming along real good... Helen has... great... potential"...

"Well, you just make sure she fulfills it! Yer the man of the hour, Nephew!...everything's ridin' on you and yer sucess...good luck to ya, Honey!"

With that, she turned into an eagle and flew away.

Icarus leaned his chin in his hand."Ya know...you must have the most interesting family reunions."

"Oh," groaned Herc, "this is'nt going to work at all! everyone's counting on me to turn this girl into something she simply is'nt!"

"Maybe she just needs more practice?"

"No!...just this morning we had practice and after only III minutes Helen hits the wall!"

"Oh...you mean she ran out of breath and energy?"

"No... I mean she hit the wall. She was'nt looking where she was going."

Cassandra smirked."None of this comes as a surprise to me, you know."

"Yeah...well," Herc sighed and got up..."I gotta go. See you guys later."

Walking through the empty streets of Athens ...Herc pondered his mission, deep in thought. His dad was really counting on him ...Artemis was really counting on him, Parenthesis had already made himself clear...was there anyone else he had to please? Well, actually, yes, there was. He stopped at a little foodstall to buy a drink, and seeing that no one was there...{the owner had gone out for a moment}...he helped himslf to a smoothie and of course {being Herc}he pulled a coin from his pocket to pay for figured he's just leave it in the money box on the counter. But as he did so he felt an odd vibration in the palm of his hand, and suddenly the Athena coin with which he was about to pay...the gold one with the owl on it.. started to glow hotly.

"Whoa!" he dropped it on the ground, and instantly a colomn of smoke and sparkles and vapor shot 30 feet into the sky, and all of a sudden, the goddess Athena stood before him, larger than life. Ibid, her beloved little owl, hopped down off of her shoulder and flew onto Herc's head.

"Athena!" Herc dropped to his knees, bowed his head and clasped his hands. "O Mighty,

O Divine Athena, Mother of all Celestial Wisdom"...

Athena rolled her eyes. "Oh do get up, Young Hercules," she said in her dismissive tone, "you don't have to go through that rigmarole, we're family"...

Herc looked non-plussed, and stood up. "Oh...Oh..uh...thankyou...I guess."

Ibid hopped off his head onto his shoulder, then onto his wrist, and Herc petted the little bird with one finger.

Athena smiled approvingly."I just came by to say ..."Good Job!" on the Helen training and keep up the good work!"

"You mean...the work of...getting Helen... to win?"

"Of course I do...what else would I mean?...As you know, Hercules, Athens is My town, My realm, the center of all knowledge and civilization...and this race means a lot to us...any event in which we can prove our superiority to Sparta is vital!"

"Yeah"... said Herc weakly...".I know"...

"So it is crucial that our girl wins...and I know you're the man to help her do it!"..

"Well, about that, Athena," said Herc, staring into Ibid's round little eyes...

" Helen... may... not have been the best choice for this race, she's...sorta-"

"Tut tut, don't be modest now, we all know Your credentials and I'm sure you'll do a splendid job. Remember when I sent you behind the Olive Curtain to seek out and destroy Are's Ultimate Weapon of Destruction? You did'nt think you could do that either! And you were magnificent!All you need is to concentrate on the job at hand...and keep in mind how much we're all counting on you!"

Herc muttered to himself."How in Hades could I ever forget?"

"Beg your pardon?"

He sighed in resignation. "Yes, Divine Athena...I am honored...to...do your... bidding."

The goddess smiled and with a nod of farewell morphed into a colomn of vapor and sparkles and golden light, which shrunk almost instantaneuously back down into her coin. The profile on the coin turned to him and smiled and spoke one last time as he laid it on the counter.

"That's my Boy!"

Some time later Herc and Icarus sat with Helen{uh...let's make it Gyro World this time. I'm getting tired of The Speedy Pita}, trying to map out a strategy to maximize her chances on the race. Icarus was fussing with a big pile of parchments dealing with averages, odds and statistics.

"OK," said Herc, "here's the strategy I've come up with." He patted a map of the race route.

"What does... "strad-te-gy" mean?" asked Helen, waving her nails in the air to dry as Herc thumped the table with his forehead.

Icarus glanced up from his spreadsheets. "In your case? it's Latin for... "dead-in-the-water".

Cassandra walked up to the group.

"Greetings, all. I bring Dire News from the Reality Front."

"Huh?"

She placed her hand on Herc's shoulder. "I hate... to always be the one to tell you these things, but it seems that {drumroll} Hades ...is sponsering Sparta."

Herc's jaw dropped. "Hades? what ..huh...what do you mean...exactly... by ...Hades?"

"Hades!"said Icarus...Herc, you remember "Hades", don'tcha? ...that big blue mad guy...ya know... the one who's always trying to kill us ? About 7 foot 3?... fiery hair? ...bent on cosmic domination?... delightfully crass?"

Cass nodded. "That's the one. And he's booked Atalanta to run for Sparta."

Herc dropped his pita. "They got Atalanta! They got Atalanta? Oh man... we're finished!"

Cass gave him a grim smile, and did a tolerable imitation of Hades. "Welcome to the Jungle, Baby!"

Icarus tugged at Herc's sleeve.."Who's Atalanta?"

"Who's Atalanta?"... only the fastest woman on the face of the Earth!" Herc collapsed on the table."This is NOT my week."

"I never heard of her."

"She's mortal...a very private celebrity...but, well known in divine circles."

Ick shrugged. "so... what makes her so special?"

"I told you...she's the fastest woman on Earth. She was abandoned as a baby, and raised by a group of bears."

"...Bears?"

"Yeah...you know...bears. They took her in as one of their own...and she grew up with the swiftness and stealth of a wild animal."

Helen opened her eyes wide. "Well, gee...that explains her being a good athlete and a fast runner...but, I don't know...can a girl raised by bears grow up to be a top lingerie model?"

"Sure... why not?" said Icarus. "She can wear a teddy!"

Cassandra stared at him coldly..."Icarus ...one hour with you... and death loses it's sting".

She turned to Herc. "Anyway...word on the street's is, she's looking for you...wants to check out the competition...in fact...see that gal over there? That's her!"

"The one with the really, really long legs?"

"Yeah!"

Herc stroked his chin. "She's...beautiful...but...a little...wild ... a little rough around the edges."

Ick nodded. "And kinda furry lookin', too."

They all observed as Atalanta made her way through the Agora, striding proudly through the crowds. She was very tall, and extremely limber. At one point she stopped to look up at the town sundial and in doing so she shielded her eyes with both hands, raising her arms and revealing a huge nest of hair under each armpit.

All three friends had the same reaction.

"EEEWWWWWWWWW!"

Cass cringed. "Ok...I'm the last one to tout makeovers...but she really could use a bikini wax or two...or three...starting from the eyebrows down!"

'"Well... keep it to yourself 'cause here she comes."

Atalanta strode over to the group and stood before Herc, tall, magnificent ...and imposing.

"Hercules!...at last...we meet. "

Herc, startled, looked up."How did you know ...who I was?"

She straightened up and smiled. "Oh...I was told to look out for a dopey-lookin' teen with orangy hair and legs like bowling pins."

Cass nodded. "Boy, does she have your numbe!."

"And his ferrety little sidekick...the whack job with the bad eye."

Icarus scowled."That's "Mr. Ferrety" to you, Sister!... and while we're on the subject of personal remarks, when's the last time you shaved your kneecaps?""

Atalanta grabbed Icarus by the front of his chiton and lifted him three feet off the ground with one hand.

"You got a problem with me? What's wrong? What? I'm not good enough to pose for Aphrodite's Secret? Think I'm a little rough around the edges, don'tcha?"

"Does a bear poop in the woods?"

Atalanta snarled."Hey! leave my family outta this!"

Herc frowned. "Icarus!"

"I'm just askin'!""

"Please! said Herc placatingly, "no offense intended, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot here I...let's start over...uh...hmm...omigods...what's...what's that...smell?"

"Oh"... Atalanta sniffed the air and then her armpit.

"Oh...that's me...that's bear butter. I use it every day. It comes from the anal glands of a wild forest bred he-bear."

"My...my!..."

"It makes an excellent skin toner and rubdown oil. I know it smells a little gamey, but I consider it one of my basic nessessities."

Cassandra looked at her. "You mean it's a... "bear" nessessity?"

"Yes...it's a bear nessesity."

"You mean... a simple bear nessessity?"

"Yes, I mean... a simple bear nessessity!"

"A simple... bear nessessity of life ?"

"Can we stop now?"

"Please!"

"Well..." said Herc, happy to interuppt, "so that's the scent from... the anal glands... of a wild forest bred... he-bear...well what do ya know?You lean something every day...

Herc always tried to look at the bright side of things.

"Uh...can we offer you...something to eat?"

"No thanks...I only eat what I hunt and kill with my bare hands."

"Your bear hands?"

"Don't start that again!"

"I mean," Atalanta said, "That I'm completely self sufficent. I don't rely on anything or anybody".

Cass whispered to Herc."Hey...does she remind you of anyone?"

"So... um.. Atalanta," began Herc..."I understand...that you're a pretty good runner..."

"Pretty good"... runner?" she said scornfully. "Let's just say ...I run... even better than I shoot."

She glanced at the sun, and observed a hawk flying held a dead rabbit in it's talons. She pulled an arrow out of her quiver and shot so accurately that she only hit the rabbit, knocking it out of the hawk's grip and sending it plunging to earth where it landed on a plate she held over her head. She tossed the plate into Herc's lap with a distainful, sexy sneer.

"Like I said...I run... even better than I shoot. And I make love... even better than I run!"

Herc's jawed dropped.

"Yikes...well...we..will... keep that in mind...um...uh...here... here...let me introduce ourselves. I'm Hercules, hero in training and son of Zeus...uh...That's Icarus you're dangling in the air there, he's, uh-he's...um..he's a..."

" Comic Relief and Eye Candy!" anounced Icarus, folding his arms and scowling.

"Yeah...uh...and this is Cassandra, who-"

Atalanta, who had been staring rather rudely at Helen { seated at the table curling her eyelashes all this time } interuppted him.

"Who.. the ...Hades ...is this?"

"Uh...this is Helen, your ...running mate...rival... person."

Helen nodded politely and held out her dainty hand to shake.

"It's peachy keen to make your aquaintance, Atalanta!"

Atalanta threw her head back and laughed for about three full minutes.

She wiped her eyes with a back of her hand.

"No really... who Is this?"

"I'm Helen, Helen of Troy, I'll have you know...and gosh darn it, I think you're being a big meanie!"

Atalanta stared at her in amazement.

"Oh no...this is too easy," she laughed, "this is too, too easy!"

She turned to Hercules. "Is this some kind of a ...joke? Where did you hold your tryouts? Kindergarten!"

Herc threw his arm loyally around Helen. "No joke...Helen is petite... but...ah...eager. Don't underestimate her prowess on the trail. Remember the Tortoise and the Hare!"

"Well put!" nodded Icarus.

"The tortoise was in better shape!" snorted Atalanta. "But what am "I" complaining about? This 'll be the biggest bloodbath since the Trojans said..."Wow! a great big fat wooden horse, right outside our gates!..all for us!...Cool!"...

She grinned evilly at Herc and blew him a kiss.

"Seeya in the Winner's Circle...Losers!"

And she strode off.

"Ya know...I never thought that we'd ever meet anyone who made Tempest... look...like ...fun", observed Icarus.

Cass folded her arms. "It's Official. I don't like that girl."

"You don't like any girl"... In fact, you don't like anybody!"

"That's besides the point!"

Herc got up.

"Guys...I have to do some serious thinking here."

"Be careful" said Cass, "Remember the last time you tried that!"

"Oh, Ha ha. So funny I forgot to laugh."

"What about practice?", said Helen, powdering her nose."And that strad-didgedy thing?"

Herc looked at her in complete resignation and waved his hand in the air."Well...just jog a few times around the Agora," he said tiredly.

Icarus glanced up. "Want us to come with you, Herc?"

"No...I...gotta think"...

"Then can I have your eel pie?"

"Yeah... knock yourself out."

Icarus reached for Herc's plate and grabbed his quarry as it started to slither away."C'omere, ya little rascal!"

So Herc found himself once more walking through town at a late hour...but this time he had a mission. He went to The Temple of Aphrodite to see if he could get any answers.

He sprinkled some incense on her altar, threw on a few sprigs of myrtle and waited for her to appear. He did'nt have long to wait.

"Aphrodite Aphrodite Aphrodite! The Goddess of Love!"

...and Aphrodite, standing in her famous clam, manifested once again in all her hot flamingo pink splendor.

"Oh! Hercules, right? ...wow! how are you doing? And what brings you to my temple at such an hour...as if I could'nt guess?"

"Aphrodite...as you might kmow...probably...I've been given a task...that everyone seems to think I can do ...but me...and...I...well..."

She nodded."I think I know where this is going...actully I was sortov wondering when you were going to turn up."

"The truth is...O Mighty Aphrodite...I can't...I can't do it. I tried...and I'm doing my best..and if it were anyone but Helen we might stand a chance...but she's just not athlete material...everyone's expecting me to pull a rabbit out of a hat here, and it's just not going to happen. Atalanta could run circles around Helen !"

Aphrodite leaned in the doorway. "Yeah. Newsflash. A one legged centaur could run circles around Helen."

"So you...know...you agree!"

"Yes, I agree...and that's why... I'm prepared to do... something I normally would'nt."

"Huh?"

"Hercules...I think this situation calls for a little "godly intervention..."

Aphrodite turned from him and whirled her hands over her head. All at once a sparkly cloud appeared and within it, a herd of 20 beautiful solid golden apples hovered magically, almost with a life of their own, in the , she manifested a large silken pouch and, holding it wide open she nodded and the apples dropped in one at a time...plop! plop !plop! plop! plop! plop! plop!

She handed the pouch to Hercules.

Herc stared into the bag."Golden... apples? How will these make Helen faster?"

"They won't. They will buy her time. A little wiggle room. Atalanta is, like, only human {no offense.} If you scatter these apples along the Marathon route at key points during the race she will stop to examine and pick up each one...that will give Helen plenty of time to overtake her. Evens out the odds a little. Oh, and the apples are "mortal sensitive"...a god or demi-god can pick them up with no trouble...but they will roll away from mortal hands. Ya know? like when you try to put two negative magnets together?"

"What are negative mag-"

"Oh never mind!..just check them out!"

"Are... they edible?"

"Only for the demi-divine and up. Mortals will just chip their teeth. But they are solid gold, so, of course, that's all they really care about."

Herc took a bite and tasted the apple in amazement.

"Wow! it's like... there's an orgy in my mouth, and everyone's invited!"

But then he looked at the apple, and a thought occured to him.

"Isn't this.. what you want me to do..awfully... sneaky and..backhanded and .. manipulative?"

She stared at him in disbelief and pointed to herself.

"Goddess of Love and Desire and Passion. Remember?"

"But-"...

"Sneaky and manipulative and backhanded is what I do!...I mean... do you want to win this race or don't you?"

"But-..."

"All is fair in love and foot races, Hercules. The smart money's betting on Atalanta...let's not kid ourselves here. So... we may have to give Helen a bit of a "leg up."

"But...is'nt that cheating?"

"...Atalanta doe'snt have to stop and look at the apples...she will do so only if natural human curiosity and greed make her do 's... not Your problem."

"But Auntie Aph...you know there's no mortal alive that could resist stopping to pick up a free solid gold apple in the middle of course she'll slow down!"

"And if she lets herself get distracted from upholding the honor of her citystate she deserves to lose! Think of it ...as an informal character test."

Herc still looked uncomfortable, and started to speak again, but Aphrodite was getting impatient.

"Ok, now, get out of here, shoo! I don't have time for this! I've got like, a date later on tonight...in fact, I have three of them...and lots of major primping to accomplish...you think its easy looking like I do 24/7?...so you run along now and win that race for us!...OK?...I said SHOO!"

The next day Herc and Icarus were walking on the outskirts of the Agora, taking a shortcut through the woods, and in the privacy of the semi-wilderness Herc confessed the whole apple scheme. The morning of the Marathon had dawned...and if Herc was going to plant those apples...it was now or never. Icarus nodded approvingly as Herc told him of the scam.

"Wow! twenty solid golden apples!...we're talkin' major serious bling factor here! "

He examined the pouch closely and reached in to grab one of the magical fruits.

"Do they have golden worms, too?...Whoops!"...the apple, responding to Icarus'es all too human qualities leaped out of his hands and rolled around the ground. He bent over to chase it, but it evaded him easily for several moments until he pounced on it like a cat with a mouse, and struggled with the wiggling thing to get it back into the pouch...he managed it, but it was'nt easy.

"Hey! this thing works great!...it will take Atalanta forever to finish the race!"

"Stop kidding around, Icarus..!...this is a real moral dilemmna...I gotta think..."

"...What's there to think about?...you're going to toss goodies in front of the world's fastest female in order to throw her off the track while the world's slowest female catches up, wins the race and catapults us to a glorious victory!...so... where's the downside again?"

"It's just that...I can't quite shake the feeling that this is...well...cheating..."

Icarus grabbed his hair spikes in frustration and almost pulled them out.

"Well, DU-UHH! Helloooo? Have you met Helen?...of Course it's cheating, how else are we gonna win? Honestly Herc, sometimes I despair of you ever getting with the program!"

"I'm a hero Icarus, a hero in training! Heros don't lie and they don't cheat! ! My reputation's on the line here!

"So is your butt!"

Herc stared mournfully into the silken pouch and said nothing.

Icarus threw his arm around his friend's slumped shoulders. "Look...setting up a couple of potentially psycological roadblocks in order to slow Atalanta down is, I'll admit, a bit devious...but...it's only a choice she has to make...no one's forcing her to do anything... Ok, you know and I know that this chick is an unsophisticated type of gal who grew up with a bunch of smelly bears and will probably freak when she see's a king's ransom sitting on the ground for the taking... but that's not our problem! It's free will! it's up to the individual to make the right choice for him or her, and if they don't make it...well...tough titties! That's what Aristotle said!"

Herc folded his arms and gave Icarus a sardonic smile.

"I don't think ...Aristotle ever said... "tough titties!"

"Well ...he would if he'd thought of it."

Herc stared fixedly at him.

"It's... still... WRONG."

"No," countered Icarus stubbornly, "Wrong is... killing. You don't kill. Wrong is ...stealing... don't steal. Wrong is... trying on Cassandra's underwear and dancing in front of the window."

"Huh?"

Icarus paused for a moment, lost in thought. "Learned that the hard way."

"But-"

"Besides...anyhoo...think of what will happen if Atalanta does win...Sparta celebrates! and How does Sparta celebrate? By throwing a war and inviting the entire Hellenic Peninsula... ...now... do you want to be responsible for that if ya can help it?"

"Well...if ya put it that way...of course not!"

"There...see? we spread the apples along the trail, Atalanta slows down to pick them up, Helen gains valuable time, overtakes her in the race and bursts through the victory ribbon and Everybody's happy!...it's a perfect plan!... not One complication!"

With that Icarus reached to pick another one of the apples out of the pouch but again, it leapt away from him, fell to his feet and scooched across the ground. He scurried after it and got down on his knees to retrieve it from under a log...but paused, {recognizing while he was down there} a familiar looking pair of expensive sky blue leather sandals...and looking up he saw Adonis standing before him, arms folded, a huge smile on his face.

"Ok," conceded Icarus ..."Tiny complication!"

Adonis laughed triumphantly.

"Well ...well ...well...the "Great... Hercules!"...stooping to chicanery! I LOVE it!"

Herc blanched. "Oh...uh wow...how long... have you been standing there?."

"Oh, long enough to get the jist of what's going on...fie fie, Son of Zeus, I'd expect something like this from Ferret Face here ...but the great, the noble, the celestial ..."Wonder Boy?"

"Get lost, Adonis!"...snarled Icarus..."Or...as we say in my family...go mind your own beeswax!"

Herc stood stunned."Look..Adonis...It's... not what you think"...

"It's not? You mean you Aren't going to hide solid golden apples along the Marathon trail in order to confuse and distract Atalanta from the course thus causing her to slow down and lose the race ensuring the victory for Helen, Athens and your precious father, "The Big Z?"

Icarus glanced at Herc. "Actually" ... that's exactly it. Ya know...he's really good."

"Well" said Herc, "yes...you're right..but it's...all in a good cause, if you think about it...and, hey, besides...I would think you'd Want Helen to win, would'nt you?"

"Not if she was'nt going to win honestly" said Adonis , lifting his chin nobly and placing his hand on his heart. "And anyway, I'd rather see YOU lose!... "The Great Hercules, Zeus'es Darling, Wonder Boy, El Perfecto!...how delicious it will be to see you fall on your face for once!...oh the irony!...oh the disgrace!...oh the exquisite humiliation!"

"Nobody likes a gloater, Adonis," advised Icarus.

Herc wiped the sweat on his brow that was beading up pretty darn fast.

"Look..there's things...going on here... that I can't get into detail about right now...but trust me, this is a good idea!"

"Ah! ...The end justifies the means, I hear you say!...well...if that's true, you have nothing to worry about!" laughed Adonis. "Farewell, my comrades!"

"Wait! where are you going?"

"Where am I going? ..hmmm..."Quo Vadis!" The Eternal Question!I'm going to "vadis off" and talk to the authorities...I'm sure there some rule running around loose about not cheating on a national Marathon-"

"No... you ...you...can't do that!"

"I can't? And who, pray tell, is going to stop me! Mr "Hero in Training"?What are you going to do? trip me up, bind and gag me until the race is over?You know you're too damn noble, Hercules...you could never let yourself to anything that low...".

"No...but *I* can!" yelled Icarus, and taking a running jump the scrawny little runt hurled himself at Adonis, unexpectedly bowling him over and knocking him out cold.

Icarus sat up in surprise. "My...that worked out nicely...come on, let's tie him up...theres some's vines growing over on that tree we can use..."

Herc started pulling on his own hair in desparation."Ya see? ya see where deception and breaking the rules gets you? Now what are we going to do? If we tie him up that makes us kidnappers! and then we have a terrible problem on our hands!We've committed a crime!"

Icarus scowled at him. "I don't happen to consider tying up and gagging Adonis a crime. I consider tying up and gagging Adonis a public service."

"Ok, you have a point but it's still immoral-"

Adonis started coming to and his arms and legs started to flail.

"Oh...gods...here..."...Herc knocked him out again cold.

"Where was I again?"

"You were saying that knocking people out and kidnapping them was immoral. And I was disagreeing with you."

Herc groaned."I really did'nt want it to be this way..."

"Hey..."in parumper penny, in parumper talentum"...we have no choice here, Herc...besides, it's fun."

Herc tied his adversary's hands and feet and covered his mouth with a gag, but then loosened the vines considerably.

"Well, now, don't make him too comfortable", growled Icarus.

"He's gotta breathe!"

"Does he? really? That's a very subjective opinion."

"Icarus!"

"Ok, ok, let 'im breathe, the big wuss..."

Herc finished tying him. "Ok...now we have to hide him somewhere."

"Mt. Santorini comes to mind."

"Mt. Santorini is an active volcano!"

"Exactly!"

"I was thinking more along the lines of a hunter's hut not too far from here," said Herc, nodding in the opposite direction.

They hid the Prince's body in the hut, overgrown with bushes and shrubbery, and Hercules sighed.

"Ok...he's out cold for the duration...Let's get those apples on the trail...and get this whole thing over with."

And so the two friends flew to the start of the Marathon trail and made their way, partly flying and partly walking, down along the race course, finding just the right places to hide the golden apples so that Atalanta would find them.

"She's got to notice them at places where we need to give Helen extra time to catch up," advised Herc, "so the apples should be put in areas of very rough terrain, on hillsides and where thorny bushes occlude the path."

"What does occlude" mean? asked Icarus.

"Get in the way, create an obstacle."

"Ok, gotcha!Can do!" agreed Icarus, {and although for Ick it was hard to handle the recalcitrant apples, tossing them on the trail and letting them fall where they may was not too difficult}...and in less than an hour they had planted their priceless decoys.

And several hours later, well into the start of the Marathon we meet Atalanta, jogging swiftly down the trail.

And presently she paused in her stride, spying as she did a pretty bright object on the ground.

"Now There's something you don't see every day" she wondered out loud...".a beautiful...shiny... what looks to be... like... a solid golden apple?"...and ...she reached over to pick it up in wonder and admiration. The apple shied away from her, of course, and rolled off for several feet...and she laughed out loud in amusement. She reached for it again, and once more it rolled away just out of her reach.

"Ok, now this time I'll get it," she said to herself, and she snuck up stealthily on the apple as if it had ears and eyes, stalking it like it was prey, and this time she was fast enough, and managed to nab it, although in her hands it spun and wiggled like a live thing. She tried to put it in her chiton pocket but it jumped out and rolled away again and she had to follow it all the way down a side trail for several hundred exasperating yards before recapturing it .

Aphrodite could be congratulated...she could not have created a better timewaster. Finally Atalanta subdued the naughty little runaway apple by forming a pouch of her own chiton skirt and knotting it about the waist, which was a bit immodest, but she was all alone in the wilderness, so who cared. That apple had to be priceless!Glancing at the sun she took in it's position in the sky and resumed her running, the captive apple bouncing uncomfortably -and quite heavily-against her thigh.

She was unaware, of course, that Helen had just gained several hundred yards behind her and although she was still way way way off in the distance, that distance ...was getting shorter. Down along the trail Atalanta was thunderstruck to find another apple ...what were the odds? with which she went through a similar performance as with the first...and ten minutes later, yet another. And another. One was lodged in the twigs of a tree branch...one was sitting in the middle of a shallow stream...another tucked inside the opening of an old log. Each time she saw one she had to stop and go through the chase, ultimately winning her prize but losing a lot of time against her competitor who was doggedly trotting the trail a few miles behind her.

Atalanta was no dummy...she knew she should'nt waste any more time chasing after these apples... but they were so pretty! and so valuable! and it was so rare to find solid golden apples in Greece that were'nt being actively guarded by tiresome dragons! I mean, they were just lying there for the taking!Before she knew it Atalanta had captured eight of the prizes, and her chiton pouch was threatening to tear with the weight and movement of her hyper fruit captives. Her whole progress was slowed down terribly, and, as the boys had rather cleverly planted the apples further and further off the trail here and there she had to climb over shrubbery and thick vegetation to reach them and a couple of times she could'nt quite make her way back to the path without some serious, time consuming effort. A few times she actually got lost, and after awhile she was'nt sure whether Helen was in front of her or not. By the time she had picked up the last golden apple Apollo was starting to reign in his steeds, and the western horizon was on fire in the wake of his magnificent orange sunset.

As she trotted along the ridge of a canyon out and away from under the densely overgrown forest, she got the first seriously good look at where she really was, compared to where she really should be, and she cried out loud in consternation.

"Oh, Sweet Zeus," she gasped," what have I done?"

She stopped to rearrange herself, taking the apples out of her knotted up skirt and pockets and pouring them into her glancing over her shoulder she started to scrape a hole by the side of a huge boulder to bury the treasure, hoping that her rival was still considerably way behind, when in fact, Helen, was way ahead. Exhausted, but wayyyyy ahead.

Sweat poured down her face as she jabbed at the rocky soil with her hunting knife. All she managed to do was break the tip. She cursed out loud...{that knife had been a gift from Melaeger}...and she thought for a moment. Obviously digging a hole with a knife in the flinty hard ground was'nt working...she HAD to make a choice. So she left her hoard in the bottom of a nearby hollowed treetrunk, carefully pouring leaves into it to conceal her , she thought, getting up and brushing off her clothes...that should do she sprinted off in earnest. Nine minutes later she was back. She could'nt bear to part with the apples{there's that human part kicking in}or worse, bear to imagine that Helen might find them and keep them all to herself. So she bundled all her apples together, slung the incredibly heavy burden over her shoulder and galloped, exhaustedly, down the trail, praying that Helen was still far behind.

And where was Helen all this time? Doggone it, she was 's right, Helen was running. At the start of the race, which was announced by a hundred trumpets and a hail of flaming arrows in many colors of the rainbow being shot in the air, Helen had been so paralyzed with admiration she'd forgotten to move, and Herc had been obliged to run out to the starting line to give her a push. Atalanta had disappeared from sight in mere seconds, and a rustle through the crowd indicated that many people were already exchanging money as those who were foolish enough to have bet on Helen {or were simply patriotic Athenians}were forced to admit they'd bet on the wrong Trojan{ ha ha }horse.

But Helen had kept going. She just kept going. True, she got lost twice, and true, once she had to pee and that was an ordeal out in the woods, but she had kept going, and thanks to Atalanta's apple adventures it was Helen who emerged, several hours later, from the edge of the forest to the wild screams and adulation of the crowd.

She stumbled exhaustedly the last several hundred yards up to the city gates, and burst through the blue ribbon puffing and gasping, her arms covered with scratches, twigs in her hair. In seconds she was engulfed by dozens and dozens of people jumping up and down and yelling as an announcer blew a conch horn from a nearby tower and proclaimed...

"And the winner is... Helen of Troy!"

Hercules, alone in that crowd, cringed at those words, and glanced in concern over at the edge of the forest. There was no sign of Atalanta.

Helen was lifted up onto a platform garnished with flowers and garlands of fruit, and a couple of Aphrodite's Secret handmaidens, wearing almost nothing at all crowned her with a spun gold laurel wreath. Mr Parenthesis bustled up to her and handed her an enourmous bouquet of roses as the engravers all flocked around to drill out her picture.

"Congratulations Helen! on a fine and brilliant win!We knew you could do it{although some of us had our doubts}but you've proved to be a real champion and a shining jewel in the crown of Athens!..And let's have a big round of applause for your esteemed trainer and coach, Mr Hercules!"

"Gods I'm glad Phil's not here!" thought Herc as watched Helen bursting into was crying so hard her mascara started to run.

"I want to thank the boy... who trained me for this event {sob, sob} and made me the athlete I am today! Hercules! come on up and join me!"

"No, no really I don't have to go up there, I really did'nt do anything, I don't deserve this-"

"Ah, modesty! the true hallmark of the hero!"said Mr Parenthesis, " Hercules, do stop being a pain in the backside and get up there, we need your picture for the Greekly World News!"

"Oh No, please!" gasped Herc, "really-that's not nessesary-"

"Up on that platform, Hercules, or it's 10 years detention!"

But just at that moment the exhausted Atalanta finally came into sight, running as swiftly as she could...but it was pretty clear she was past her prime. She staggered past the finish line to the feeble applauding of a crowd more concerned with seeing Helen strip down to an Aphrodite's Secret bikini, which, surprise surprise, she had been wearing underneath her gym chiton all along And her assets, were, ahem, clearly visible. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and proceeded to plunge into a long teary speech thanking everyone she'd ever met since the dawn of time and promising ferverently to work for world peace.

Atalanta stood alone in fury."I demand a rematch!" She yelled out to the crowd, "This wa'nt fair!I was ...distracted on the race ..something.. happened...I was bewitched...and I was'nt able to -"

...But no one paid any attention to her.

Hercules found himself getting forced up on the stage. He resisted, and Icarus pushed him from the rear.

"Willya get on up there,!"he insisted, shoving Herc from behind as hard as he could.

Herc pushed him away, Icarus fell backwards, grabbed Herc's sling bag for balance and in the struggle one last apple that they'd fogotten about fell out and rolled across the ground.

"OOps!" said Icarus. "OK...That was'nt supposed to happen. Rewind!"

He scrambled to retrieve it before anyone noticed...this time he got it in one pounce and hid it very quickly under his own chiton, jamming it down the front of his loincloth in desparation where it's jumpy movements made for a very strange and not unhumourous effect.

Atalanta spied his action, and burst into tears of rage, pointing angrily at the front of his chiton skirt. "Hold on!What do you have down there!"

"I BEG your pardon, Madame!," said Icarus huffily,"and I''ll thank you to mind your own business!...Do I go around asking YOU what YOU have down there?" but even as he spoke the apple managed to escape it's prison and plonked down on the ground, rolling around in circles of horrified bewilderment.

Atalanta confronted the boys in a tearful rage.

"It was You two!

"Well, wait, Atalanta-"

"You... lousy Cheats!"

Icarus frowned. "Hey! Herc's the lousy cheat. I'm just a maniac!."

Herc threw his hands in the air apologeticly. "Atalanta...I'm sorry , I'm so sorry...it's just ...there was so much at stake"...

"So much that you were willing to trick me into making a fool of myself and Sparta?"

Icarus scowled at her. "Ya know, no one put a spear to your head and Made you pick up those apples, you chose to do that yourself!"

Atalanta picked Icarus up by a hair spike and threw him into the sky.

He pondered his new position from 90 yards away upside down in a tree.

"Of course...you're only human"...he mumbled to himself.

"Look, Atalanta, said Herc, "you're right. What we did...was really wrong and there's no excusing it...So...I'm gonna come clean 's the only heroic thing to do...I'm... telling the judge everything...and maybe we can get this reversed..."

Atalanta grabbed Herc by the front of the chiton."You better! or I'll expose this whole thing to everyone and you will look like a total jerk and -"

At that moment Helen's teary speech finally rolled to a stop, and Mr Parenthesis came back on.

"Very good, very good, excellent, my dear Helen, wonderful job, but we really must continue...{does anyone have a cork for this girl?}...Of course, we can't forget the The Runnerup without whom we would'nt have a winner...and ...The Runnerup is "Atalanta"...who certainly was a good sport and deserves just as much appreciation...and so{without any further ado} she will be awarded Second Prize ...which will be an all expense paid "Dream Date" vacation with... Prince Hippomene!"

Atalanta paused for a moment, still holding Herc up in midair. She stared popeyed at the young prince, who emerged from behind some damask curtains with a wave and a smile.

"He's Gorgeous!"

"What?"

"Look at him...he's GORGEOUS!"

"He is kinda cute..." conceded Herc.

The Prince smiled, nodded and waved some more, and when he saw Atalanta his face lit up with genuine interest and admiration. He gave her a friendly wink. And yeah, he Was really cute.

Herc disengaged himself from her constrictor-like grip.

"Atalanta, you're right, I'm going to come clean. I'll go to the judge and confess the whole thing..."

"Oh, NO YOU WON'T!"

"I beg your pardon?... I don't understand"...

Atalanta grabbed Herc by the chiton again.

"I've suddenly decided I'm perfectly happy being Runnerup! "

Herc was stunned..."Uh...arya sure?"

"Of course I am! ...let Helen be the spokesmodel...that's more her thing anyway!"

"But, why would you-"

"Hercules, do you have any idea how hard it is for me to find someone to date?"

"Well...I have an inkling..."

"No matter how hard I try I can never find a guy who wants to be with me!"

"Maybe it's the... bear butter?"

"Hercules...I think... this could be the start of a beautiful friendship...and I have you to thank for it! "

"But, uh...I-"

"Your're looking at the future "Queen Hippomene!" She held up her bag of apples and laughed. "See? I even have a dowry!."

She ran up onto the stage and into Hippone's arms. "Come to me, my beautiful Marathon Man!"

He gave her a hearty smooch, and his nose wrinkled at her aroma, but, being a gentleman he dismissed it as the result of her having just run a Marathon.

But all was not well.

"Wait! Hold on, everyone! Herc and Ick turned in surprise to see Adonis staggering towards them with the remains of his gag still dangling from his face.

"Wait ...til I get my hands on YOU TWO!"

"Adonis! oh...hi!...uh...what's your problem? Helen won!"

"I KNOW!..I needed her to LOSE, you morons!"

"But why?"

"Because I bet against her... That's why! You two cost me a BUNDLE!"

"But you're the richest guy in Thrace! a bundle is "chump change" for you!"

"Do you know I Lost It All Playing Knucklebones in Knossos?"

"No... but maybe if you hum a few bars..."

"Shutup!" the Prince slumped against the wall. "I was broke... Hades made me a deal...staked me to a bet..."

Herc hit his forehead with the palm of his hand. "You lost Hade's bundle on the race?...yikes!"

"Yes, so you see, despite our warm and cherished friendship"...here, the Prince grabbed the gag and wrapped it firmly around Herc's neck, "I have to reverse the descision...I'm blowing the whistle on you!"

"Oh no you're not!" snarled Atalanta, grabbing Adonis by the chiton front, "You're not screwing up MY chance at finding Mr. Perfect!...you tell on us and we'll tell Helen you helped set her up and bet against her, and you know what THAT means!"

Adonis paused, and gasped."You mean..."

"Yeah! " grinned Icarus, "It means you'll be painting your own toenails for a loooonng time to come!"

"You don't understand...I have a gambing debt to secure!If I don't pay my bills Helen won't matter one way or another...I'll be in a Cyprian copper mine and they tend not to have datenights!"...

"Or toenails!" said Icarus.

"Wait a sec...hold on." Herc put his hands on his hips and cocked his head.

"Adonis...let's face it. I don't like you..and you don't like me. But we have each by the ... well... never mind. Let's just say a compromise is in order that... would be mutually benficial to both our interests."

Icarus gave Herc a double take. "You know...you're starting to sound frighteningly just like your uncle?"

"Don't remind me. But in this...case...a little negotiation might not be amiss...Hero Rule 765...Never Forget That Your Enemy Just Might Have a Point..."

Adonis shrugged. "What did you have in mind?"

"Wait a sec"...said Herc.

He leaned over and whispered for some moments to Atalanta who nodded eagerly.

"Why not? If Golden Boy there keeps his mouth shut and I get to keep Hippomene I won't be needing These anymore!"

She reached down and picked up the heavy sack of golden apples. "Here," she said, offering it to Adonis, "will these cover it? "

Adonis brightened. "And how!" he exclaimed.

Herc nodded. "Wait! There's one missing." He turned to Icarus. "C'omon! Hand it over!"

Icarus scowled "Oh all right!" He rummaged around underneath his chiton and surrendered the apple regretfully.

"Ah well...it was fun while it lasted. I was gonna call that one... "Cassandra."

"That's what I was afraid of!"

He handed Adonis the sack of apples."Ok, now we're square."

Adonis was just about to speak when Helen came running up to throw her arms him.

"Where have you been!" she squealed. "I won I won! I won!...but I did'nt see you at the finish? where were you all this time?"

Atalanta stepped forward to congratulate Helen on her victory{and to change the subject}

"Helen! Congratulations, Girl! You'll make a wonderful spokesmodel ...it's the part you were born to play!...gimme a hug!"

"A bearhug?" grinned Helen.

Atalanta laughed, and squeezed her so hard she lifted her off the ground."Listen, Helen, now that you're an "official" Aphrodite's representative...can I ask you a little favor?"

"Anything!"

"Will you help me...with a teensy bit of a makeover?"

Helen smiled knowledgebly..."I think we can soften up a few edges..."

She stepped forward and firmly took Atalanta by the arm.

"Let's go to my place and talk...um...about that bear butter...would you consider switching to lotus oil?"

And afterwards there was a big huge banquet in honor of the girls, and everyone got to eat, drink, and be merry.

Herc lay back on his triclinium and furrowed his brow. "So...we did something...wrong...and in the end it turned out OK...cause.. the end was justified by the means...Athena,.Artemis, Zeus, Parentheteis, Aphrodite, Adonis, Helen, Atalanta, Hippomene... everyone got their wish!...so does that make doing wrong ... Right?

"If everyone's happy...I guess"...

Cass nodded. "I' ll just betcha there' s a stupid Hero Rule in there somewhere that applies to this!"

"It seems the lesson for the day is...What is Best...is not always what is Right. And what is Right...is not always what is Best. "

"So...do you go with what is Best ...or what is Right?"

"I guess...in the long run... you have to weigh how many people are helped out in the end. Ya know...this would have been a good question for Mr. Socrates."

"Well...anyhoo.. we seriously dodged an arrow on this one," sighed Herc."This sure was'nt one of our more noble endeavors. I did'nt even get to fight a monster or anything...I just hope we can put this one behind us and forget it as soon as possible."

Icarus threw his arm around Herc. "Oh, you always worry too much, Hercmeister... you're always scared that everything we do is gonna wind up on a permanent record somewhere, someday...like people are really gonna read about this garbage and remember it forever? Hey, I mean, really, think about it...in 2000 years, who's gonna know?"