The Era of Mary Sue's Hell
{Disclaimer: I own no one in this story. I wish not to own this Mary Sue, in case you figured otherwise. This is just my venting out into a humor fic, folks.}
So, here's my Anti-Mary Sue-Fic, 'The Era of Mary Sue's Hell.' I've come across one too many Mary Sues lately, and decided to vent out my frustration in a humor fic, just so it's all out of my system. In case you were wondering what a Mary Sue is, I'd recommend reading this: http://missy.reimer.com/library/guide.html#5 . You should find an adequate Mary Sue definition there. XD Now onto the fic!
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It was a clear, sunny day when Mary Sue arose from her bed. She stepped over to the window, and opened it, allowing the fresh breeze to enter her completely well furnished, meticulously clean room. The breeze flowed in lightly, cascading upon her shimmering, curly-wavy golden blonde hair; her hair also had bold hints of silver, as well, making her even more beautiful.
Mary Sue stepped over to her vanity mirror, and peered inside. Perfect. Not a hint of crust was in the corners of her eye, not a single dark ring sagged beneath her eyelids, and her eyes, as bright as the sunlit sky, were gleaming proudly. She was perfect, as always. However, today seemed even more of a day to be perfect for Mary Sue, for it was July 31st, her eleventh birthday.
Mary Sue let out a small sigh, and turned on her heel, to face the rest of her room again. Suddenly, through the window, emerged an envelope of what seemed like aged material enclosing the letter inside. She curiously walked over to it, and picked it up. She gasped at the envelope. On the front, it read, 'Mary Sue, 100 Perfection Avenue, Houston, Texas 11111, United States of America.' Intrigued by the letter, she opened it, and continued reading. The letter read:
Dear Miss Mary Sue,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find an enclosed list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall,
Deputy Headmistress
[A/N: Yes, I took that right from the first book. Heh.]
"Oh my gosh!" Mary Sue exclaimed, making the blue jays perched upon her window sing with delight. "This must mean.. that I am a.. witch!"
Mary Sue put down the letter, dressed in some summer clothes, grabbed the letter again, and rushed down the stairs. She gazed around the room for her parents, her sparkling blue optics observing the room quickly. Her parents were sitting on the sofa, drinking their morning coffee, and reading the newspaper-- her father with the sports section, her mother with the leisure section.
"Mother, Father!" Mary Sue called excitedly. "Look what I was sent!"
Mary Sue bounded forward to the sofa, waving the letter around in her hand. She gave the letter to her mother, who read it at the same time her father did.
"How wonderful, Mary Sue!" they both exclaimed.
"But unfortunately, we do not know where this Hogwarts School is, nor do we know were to find these supplies," her father said solemnly.
Suddenly, another letter slid under the door. Mary Sue rushed over to it, and opened it.
"It says that Hogwarts is in London, and we can go to Diagon Alley to get the supplies by using the Floo powder they've sent," Mary Sue explained, holding up a clear bag of powder; upon the bag, it read, 'Shout "Diagon Alley" while throwing the Floo into a fire.'
"Let's give it a try," Mary Sue's mother said.
Mary Sue and her parents stepped over to the fireplace, where a fire was burning (even in the summer, they kept it burning-- just in case).
Mary Sue took a breath, threw the Floo powder in the fire, and shouted, "Diagon Alley!"
She felt herself jerking through a space, and she hit the ground with a bit of a stumble. She gazed around, and witches and wizards of all shape and sizes were wandering around. Suddenly, from behind her, her parents emerged out of thin air.
"Wonderful!" Mary Sue exclaimed.
She and her parents went to Gringotts, where it was revealed she had heaping loads of wizard money; she then explored Diagon Alley, picking up her things at various shops.
"I've got two things to go," she explained, looking at the list, "I may get a pet-- either a cat, rat, owl, or toad, and a wand."
"Let's get the pet, first," Mary Sue's mother said, leading the group over to a Magical Creatures shop.
They entered the shop, and Mary Sue walked up to the front desk.
"Getting a pet for Hogwarts, my dear?" the woman at the front desk asked cheerfully.
"Yes!" Mary Sue replied quickly.
The woman at the desk quirked an eyebrow, as she wasn't expecting to hear an American accent from a girl heading for Hogwarts, but shrugged it off.
"Anything you're particularly looking for?" the woman asked.
"I'd actually prefer a cat," Mary Sue explained, her crystalline eyes gazing around.
"Great," the woman said, "I think I know the perfect cat for you!"
The woman walked out from the desk, and walked into a back room. She emerged holding a cat, which was the color of glowing purple.
"Oh my!" Mary Sue gasped.
"She is a color-changing cat," the woman explained.
Mary Sue looked at the cat, and smiled. Suddenly, the woman gasped.
"This is incredible!" the woman said, pointing to Mary Sue. "Your eyes have just changed color! They are purple, as well! This was destiny! You should have this cat, free of charge!"
Mary Sue left the shop, cradling her new cat, whom she dubbed 'Pookie.'
"Mother, will you hold Pookie so I can go and get a wand?" Mary Sue asked.
Mary Sue's mother immediately agreed, and Mary Sue headed off to Olivander's. She entered the room, and Mr. Ollivander grinned.
"I've been awaiting your visit," he said.
Mary Sue began testing out new wands, none of which worked until--
"My, my! I seem to have forgotten this one," Mr. Ollivander said, emerging with a new wand. "Eleven inches long, made of cedar wood, with a core of veela hair and the tail feather of a phoenix that I was mistaken about."
Mary Sue shrugged, took the wand, and waved it. Suddenly, a yellow mist filled the air, and both she and Mr. Ollivander gasped.
"I remember now," Mr. Ollivander said. "I assumed that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand gave just two feathers, but I found another one under the two, and hastily put it into a wand. But the two other wands with tail feathers of this phoenix belong to none other than Harry Potter and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I assure that you will learn more about these two. Harry Potter will also be attending his first year of Hogwarts this year."
Mary Sue nodded, paid for her wand, and bounded out excitedly. She rushed to explain what had just happened to her parents. They were finished shopping, and they stayed at the Leaky Cauldron Inn, where they learned about the Hogwarts express and how to board it.
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Finally, the day came when Mary Sue was off to Hogwarts. She arrived at the Kings Cross Station, and she crossed to Platform Nine and Three Quarters without a bit of trouble. She climbed onto the Hogwarts Express, where she was given her own private compartment-- for she was considered special. She settled in for the trip.
When the train stopped, she climbed off of the train; she was pulled aside by Professor McGonagall.
"My dear, you will be coming with me for the start of the banquet and the sorting," Professor McGonagall explained kindly, and lead Mary Sue in a secret passage to Hogwarts. They emerged in the silent Great Hall, which had yet to be filled to the brim with student. Professor McGonagall showed Mary Sue to a chair in a dark corner, where she would not be seen until it was time for her sorting-- for she was special.
Soon, the Great Hall was full of Hogwarts students, both old and new. The Sorting Ceremony began, and Mary Sue watched patiently. Finally, the last student had been called, and Professor Dumbledore stood up.
"Yes, yes, welcome, new witches and wizards, to Hogwarts," he called, "but we are not finished with the sorting, yet." A curious collection of mumbles emerged, and everyone began looking around.
"We have a foreign student this year," Professor Dumbledore continued, "who is from America. She has been observing the ceremony thus far. Please, show yourself, my dear."
Following directions, Mary Sue stood up, and emerged out of the dark corner, waving around her shimmering curly-wavy golden blonde hair, peering out with now orange-red eyes, grinning nervously to the Great Hall. Suddenly, everyone pinched their noses and winced.
"Oy, I think we need some air freshener in here, Professors," one Slytherin boy jeered.
"Is it just me, or did Medusa walk in?" a Ravenclaw chimed in.
Mary Sue glared pitifully, and looked to Professor McGonagall. "That's enough," Professor McGonagall scolded loudly.
Professor McGonagall idly looked to her sorting list, and called out, "Mary Sue!"
"What, she doesn't have a last name?" a Gryffindor called out.
"My full name is actually Marietta Susan Elisabeth Sarah Dawn Lynetta Kathleen Irene Caprice Anne Isis Thea Jolene Aristotle Odysseus Quennell Marissa Earl Jonathana Eileen Gabriella Darren Elisha Gustave Amelia Ivana Morris Nadine Thaddeus Harriet Ronnina Draca Tristan Perfect," Mary Sue announced-- but once she finished, practically half of the population of the Great Hall was asleep. "But you can call me Mary Sue."
With that, Mary Sue stepped up to the stool, and the Sorting Hat was placed upon her head.
-Aw, shit, the Sorting Hat whispered, since only Mary Sue could hear it, not you.-
'Me? What's wrong with me?' Mary Sue thought.
-You're another one of those Mary Sues. I've had to deal with a ton of Mary Sues, and they all have the same fate. So predictable. You're no different than the average Mary Sue.-
'Well actually, my full name is Marietta Susan Elisa--'
-I'm in no mood to be bored to sleep by your countless names. I know just what to do with you.-
'Ah, Gryffindor, then?'
-How did you know about the Houses?-
'I'm Mary Sue. I can do anything and I know everything.'
-Whatever, girl. And the answer to your question was no.-
'What?! But I'm Mary Sue! I belong in Gryffindor!'
-Sure, sure you do. But I'm damn sick of you and "your kind."-
"HUFFLEPUFF!" the Sorting Hat shouted.
Mary Sue screamed an ear-piercing scream that would make even the darkest of all wizards cry; and indeed, the back of Professor Quirrel's turban began weeping. Everyone in the Great Hall winced, at the least. Mary Sue trudged gloomily over to the Hufflepuff table, and sat down beside an ugly boy, who she was quickly informed had a contagious and incurable disease which caused her to have never-ending acne. Mary Sue's face broke into a serious case of acne, and she wept at her seat.
"You look funny," a small Hufflepuff girl giggled.
"Fuck off," Mary Sue spat.
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The start-of-term feast continued through usually, with the exception of the Hufflepuffs acting surprisingly cruel to their newest addition. After the feast, Mary Sue was called aside by Professor McGonagall.
"Terribly sorry about today's incidents," Professor McGonagall said, "and Professor Dumbledore would like to speak to you."
Professor McGonagall lead Mary Sue up to Professor Dumbledore's office, and left once she lead her inside.
"Miss Mary Sue," Professor Dumbledore greeted, "I do believe I have some exciting news for you."
Mary Sue looked intrigued, her eyes flashing bright green, and sat down in a chair in front of Professor Dumbledore's desk.
Professor Dumbledore continued, "I received an owl today, explaining that you, Mary Sue, are indeed the Princess of the Elvish Fairy Merpeople Nymph People, and they would like you to come to their kingdom in the far off sand huts of Antarctica."
"Professor Dumbledore, it sounds like a wonderful place, but I simply cannot go! I must stay here, no matter how dreadful it is!" Mary Sue gasped dramatically, her eyes flashing yellow.
Professor Dumbledore nodded, and sent her off to the Hufflepuff Common Room. Being a Mary Sue, she just knew where the Hufflepuff Common Room was-- through a suit of armor; yet unfortunately, she did not know the password.
Mary Sue stood in front of the suit of armor, with a peeved expression on her face.
"Puffhuffle! Huffle! Puff! Puffle! Huff! Slytherins Suck! Gryffindors Suck! Ravenclaws Suck! Roach! Tweaky! Magic! Hufflepuff forever! Sprout! Bloom! Herbology! We suck at almost everything! Loyalty! We'll miss Cedric Diggory! (Again, she just knew about what would happen to Cedric) You suck! I suck! Everyone sucks! You rule! I rule! Everyone rules! I wish I were in another house! Fuck you! I'm getting frustrated! Muggle! GRR!"
After about stringing together every word in her small vocabulary of big words, she just shrugged.
"Mary Sue is an ugly slut who thinks she's perfect!" she shouted.
The suit of armor jumped out of the way, revealing the Hufflepuff Common Room. She stepped in, and those in the Common Room smirked at her.
"So, figured out the password, did you?" a Hufflepuff prefect smirked.
Mary Sue rolled her eyes, and stormed away, into her dormitory-- since she just knew where it was. She fell onto her bed, and wept loudly.
"What's wrong with me?! I'm supposed to be the most adored person Hogwarts HAS EVER and WILL EVER see! All the boys are supposed to get huge crushes on me! I'm supposed to have perfect complexion! I'm never supposed to swear or be rude! I'm supposed to be in Gryffindor! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT!"
Mary Sue wept into the night, and frankly, no one cared.
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The next morning, Mary Sue awoke, feeling slightly better. She arose from her bed, causing the girls in her dormitory to scream. She simply ignored them, trying to be the good little girl she was supposed to be. Mary Sue stepped over to the room's mirror, and screamed, herself. Her reflection displayed a short girl, with a less-than-desirable figure, gnarled mousy brown hair, and dull, sagging, dark grey-brown eyes. Her acne had also gotten worse. Mary Sue collapsed to the floor.
Dazed and confused, Mary Sue woke up. She was on the floor of her dormitory, and it had to be at least noon.
"Oh no! I'm late for Potions!" Mary Sue exclaimed, because she just knew.
Mary Sue got up, got into her robes, which were now stained with red ink, and rushed down to Potions, where Professor Snape was already into a lesson.
"How very nice of you to join us, Miss Mary Sue. May I add in how stunning you look, today. A thousand points from Hufflepuff. Now take your seat next to Miss Granger over there," Professor Snape snapped.
The Hufflepuffs in the room gasped in a unanimous tone. Mary Sue groaned and sat down next to Hermione-- because she just knew who she was.
"Miss Mary Sue, I wonder, can you tell me what a potion is?" Professor Snape asked.
"Surely. It's a magical brew of.. um.." Mary Sue trailed off, looking to Hermione, who was flailing her arms around like her life depended on it.
"No? Well, fifty points from HufflePuff. Miss Granger?" Professor Snape smirked.
Hermione gave a correct answer, and received fifty points to Gryffindor.
After Potions, it was time for Transfiguration. Mary Sue merrily made her way into the Transfiguration room, where the Hufflepuffs were having class with the Slytherins. All throughout the class, she received dark whispers, mocking her.
"Does anyone know what animagi are?" Professor McGonagall inquired.
"Oh, I do!" Mary Sue exclaimed. "After all, I AM one!"
"Oh really, Miss Mary Sue?" Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Well, let's see your animagus form, then."
Mary Sue concentrated hardly on her animagus form-- a beautiful unicorn-- and finally transformed. The class erupted into a mixture of screams and laughter.
"Her animagus form is a CENTIPEDE?!" a Slytherin laughed incredulously.
Mary Sue transfigured back into her human form, and gasped.
"What?!" she gasped.
"You were, indeed, a centipede, Miss Mary Sue," Professor McGonagall said.
"But my form is a unicorn!" Mary Sue pouted.
"Well, apparently, you need some work. I'll meanwhile inform the Ministry of your powers. I'm going to request that you get a tutor. I believe Miss Hermione Granger would be glad to help. Have you met her?" Professor McGonagall continued.
"Yes," Mary Sue mumbled gloomily.
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Mary Sue met Hermione in the Great Hall, and began tutoring her. Mary Sue was blatantly bored to death, and couldn't concentrate if she had all the intellect in the world. Suddenly, Harry and Ron ran over to Hermione and Mary Sue, gasping.
"Hermione! This is important! Come with us!" Harry gasped.
"But I'm tutoring Mary Sue," Hermione said.
"Well, bring her with you!" Harry said urgently.
"Does she have to?" Ron mumbled, looking at Mary Sue like she was a disease.
"Fine, then," Hermione said, standing up. "Come on."
Mary Sue followed Hermione, Harry, and Ron. Hermione tried her best to tutor Mary Sue while they walked. Finally, they stopped at a black hole in the wall of some hall; she didn't know where she was. "Should we step through?" Ron said, examining the hole.
"I don't know," Hermione said uncertainly.
"Oh, just do it already," Mary Sue grumbled. "If it's anything to do with Voldemort, I can handle it. He's my father!"
The four stepped in together, and they were transported to a barren land, where only a dark form in a turban was hovering.
"We meet again," the dark form laughed evilly.
"Harry, run! It's Voldemort!" Hermione shouted.
"Crucio!" the voice shouted.
A red beam of light emerged from the form, and hit-- Mary Sue directly. She fell to the ground.
"Imperio!" the voice shouted again.
Once again, a red beam of light hit Mary Sue directly. Mary Sue began jumping around like a chimpanzee. Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched; there faces were both bemused and amused.
"Avada Kedavra!" the voice yelled.
A red beam of light hit Mary Sue directly, and she fell to the ground.
"Well, that's done," the voice said.
"But, Voldemort," Harry began, "she was your daughter!"
"Pfft. My daughter? Figures. She's not even remotely related to me," Voldemort laughed. "She was just getting on my nerves."
"Oh," Harry said.
"Well, up for a butterbeer?" Voldemort offered.
"Sure," Harry, Ron, and Hermione said.
The four skipped off, leaving Mary Sue behind, and lived happily ever after.
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The news arrived in Hogwarts that Mary Sue was killed, and the friendly meeting between Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Voldemort was covered up with a fake story in which they tried their hardest to save Mary Sue, but Voldemort was merciless.
And this Mary Sue was not missed.
[A/N: Done! Bwaha! Now, I don't hate Mary Sues completely. Every now and then, they're needed. But too many is just excessive. After all, a good story usually has author-insertion into it; but it is recommended that it be subtle. Hope you liked this! You can make me a very happy puppy be reviewing, please! XD]
{Disclaimer: I own no one in this story. I wish not to own this Mary Sue, in case you figured otherwise. This is just my venting out into a humor fic, folks.}
So, here's my Anti-Mary Sue-Fic, 'The Era of Mary Sue's Hell.' I've come across one too many Mary Sues lately, and decided to vent out my frustration in a humor fic, just so it's all out of my system. In case you were wondering what a Mary Sue is, I'd recommend reading this: http://missy.reimer.com/library/guide.html#5 . You should find an adequate Mary Sue definition there. XD Now onto the fic!
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It was a clear, sunny day when Mary Sue arose from her bed. She stepped over to the window, and opened it, allowing the fresh breeze to enter her completely well furnished, meticulously clean room. The breeze flowed in lightly, cascading upon her shimmering, curly-wavy golden blonde hair; her hair also had bold hints of silver, as well, making her even more beautiful.
Mary Sue stepped over to her vanity mirror, and peered inside. Perfect. Not a hint of crust was in the corners of her eye, not a single dark ring sagged beneath her eyelids, and her eyes, as bright as the sunlit sky, were gleaming proudly. She was perfect, as always. However, today seemed even more of a day to be perfect for Mary Sue, for it was July 31st, her eleventh birthday.
Mary Sue let out a small sigh, and turned on her heel, to face the rest of her room again. Suddenly, through the window, emerged an envelope of what seemed like aged material enclosing the letter inside. She curiously walked over to it, and picked it up. She gasped at the envelope. On the front, it read, 'Mary Sue, 100 Perfection Avenue, Houston, Texas 11111, United States of America.' Intrigued by the letter, she opened it, and continued reading. The letter read:
Dear Miss Mary Sue,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find an enclosed list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall,
Deputy Headmistress
[A/N: Yes, I took that right from the first book. Heh.]
"Oh my gosh!" Mary Sue exclaimed, making the blue jays perched upon her window sing with delight. "This must mean.. that I am a.. witch!"
Mary Sue put down the letter, dressed in some summer clothes, grabbed the letter again, and rushed down the stairs. She gazed around the room for her parents, her sparkling blue optics observing the room quickly. Her parents were sitting on the sofa, drinking their morning coffee, and reading the newspaper-- her father with the sports section, her mother with the leisure section.
"Mother, Father!" Mary Sue called excitedly. "Look what I was sent!"
Mary Sue bounded forward to the sofa, waving the letter around in her hand. She gave the letter to her mother, who read it at the same time her father did.
"How wonderful, Mary Sue!" they both exclaimed.
"But unfortunately, we do not know where this Hogwarts School is, nor do we know were to find these supplies," her father said solemnly.
Suddenly, another letter slid under the door. Mary Sue rushed over to it, and opened it.
"It says that Hogwarts is in London, and we can go to Diagon Alley to get the supplies by using the Floo powder they've sent," Mary Sue explained, holding up a clear bag of powder; upon the bag, it read, 'Shout "Diagon Alley" while throwing the Floo into a fire.'
"Let's give it a try," Mary Sue's mother said.
Mary Sue and her parents stepped over to the fireplace, where a fire was burning (even in the summer, they kept it burning-- just in case).
Mary Sue took a breath, threw the Floo powder in the fire, and shouted, "Diagon Alley!"
She felt herself jerking through a space, and she hit the ground with a bit of a stumble. She gazed around, and witches and wizards of all shape and sizes were wandering around. Suddenly, from behind her, her parents emerged out of thin air.
"Wonderful!" Mary Sue exclaimed.
She and her parents went to Gringotts, where it was revealed she had heaping loads of wizard money; she then explored Diagon Alley, picking up her things at various shops.
"I've got two things to go," she explained, looking at the list, "I may get a pet-- either a cat, rat, owl, or toad, and a wand."
"Let's get the pet, first," Mary Sue's mother said, leading the group over to a Magical Creatures shop.
They entered the shop, and Mary Sue walked up to the front desk.
"Getting a pet for Hogwarts, my dear?" the woman at the front desk asked cheerfully.
"Yes!" Mary Sue replied quickly.
The woman at the desk quirked an eyebrow, as she wasn't expecting to hear an American accent from a girl heading for Hogwarts, but shrugged it off.
"Anything you're particularly looking for?" the woman asked.
"I'd actually prefer a cat," Mary Sue explained, her crystalline eyes gazing around.
"Great," the woman said, "I think I know the perfect cat for you!"
The woman walked out from the desk, and walked into a back room. She emerged holding a cat, which was the color of glowing purple.
"Oh my!" Mary Sue gasped.
"She is a color-changing cat," the woman explained.
Mary Sue looked at the cat, and smiled. Suddenly, the woman gasped.
"This is incredible!" the woman said, pointing to Mary Sue. "Your eyes have just changed color! They are purple, as well! This was destiny! You should have this cat, free of charge!"
Mary Sue left the shop, cradling her new cat, whom she dubbed 'Pookie.'
"Mother, will you hold Pookie so I can go and get a wand?" Mary Sue asked.
Mary Sue's mother immediately agreed, and Mary Sue headed off to Olivander's. She entered the room, and Mr. Ollivander grinned.
"I've been awaiting your visit," he said.
Mary Sue began testing out new wands, none of which worked until--
"My, my! I seem to have forgotten this one," Mr. Ollivander said, emerging with a new wand. "Eleven inches long, made of cedar wood, with a core of veela hair and the tail feather of a phoenix that I was mistaken about."
Mary Sue shrugged, took the wand, and waved it. Suddenly, a yellow mist filled the air, and both she and Mr. Ollivander gasped.
"I remember now," Mr. Ollivander said. "I assumed that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand gave just two feathers, but I found another one under the two, and hastily put it into a wand. But the two other wands with tail feathers of this phoenix belong to none other than Harry Potter and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I assure that you will learn more about these two. Harry Potter will also be attending his first year of Hogwarts this year."
Mary Sue nodded, paid for her wand, and bounded out excitedly. She rushed to explain what had just happened to her parents. They were finished shopping, and they stayed at the Leaky Cauldron Inn, where they learned about the Hogwarts express and how to board it.
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Finally, the day came when Mary Sue was off to Hogwarts. She arrived at the Kings Cross Station, and she crossed to Platform Nine and Three Quarters without a bit of trouble. She climbed onto the Hogwarts Express, where she was given her own private compartment-- for she was considered special. She settled in for the trip.
When the train stopped, she climbed off of the train; she was pulled aside by Professor McGonagall.
"My dear, you will be coming with me for the start of the banquet and the sorting," Professor McGonagall explained kindly, and lead Mary Sue in a secret passage to Hogwarts. They emerged in the silent Great Hall, which had yet to be filled to the brim with student. Professor McGonagall showed Mary Sue to a chair in a dark corner, where she would not be seen until it was time for her sorting-- for she was special.
Soon, the Great Hall was full of Hogwarts students, both old and new. The Sorting Ceremony began, and Mary Sue watched patiently. Finally, the last student had been called, and Professor Dumbledore stood up.
"Yes, yes, welcome, new witches and wizards, to Hogwarts," he called, "but we are not finished with the sorting, yet." A curious collection of mumbles emerged, and everyone began looking around.
"We have a foreign student this year," Professor Dumbledore continued, "who is from America. She has been observing the ceremony thus far. Please, show yourself, my dear."
Following directions, Mary Sue stood up, and emerged out of the dark corner, waving around her shimmering curly-wavy golden blonde hair, peering out with now orange-red eyes, grinning nervously to the Great Hall. Suddenly, everyone pinched their noses and winced.
"Oy, I think we need some air freshener in here, Professors," one Slytherin boy jeered.
"Is it just me, or did Medusa walk in?" a Ravenclaw chimed in.
Mary Sue glared pitifully, and looked to Professor McGonagall. "That's enough," Professor McGonagall scolded loudly.
Professor McGonagall idly looked to her sorting list, and called out, "Mary Sue!"
"What, she doesn't have a last name?" a Gryffindor called out.
"My full name is actually Marietta Susan Elisabeth Sarah Dawn Lynetta Kathleen Irene Caprice Anne Isis Thea Jolene Aristotle Odysseus Quennell Marissa Earl Jonathana Eileen Gabriella Darren Elisha Gustave Amelia Ivana Morris Nadine Thaddeus Harriet Ronnina Draca Tristan Perfect," Mary Sue announced-- but once she finished, practically half of the population of the Great Hall was asleep. "But you can call me Mary Sue."
With that, Mary Sue stepped up to the stool, and the Sorting Hat was placed upon her head.
-Aw, shit, the Sorting Hat whispered, since only Mary Sue could hear it, not you.-
'Me? What's wrong with me?' Mary Sue thought.
-You're another one of those Mary Sues. I've had to deal with a ton of Mary Sues, and they all have the same fate. So predictable. You're no different than the average Mary Sue.-
'Well actually, my full name is Marietta Susan Elisa--'
-I'm in no mood to be bored to sleep by your countless names. I know just what to do with you.-
'Ah, Gryffindor, then?'
-How did you know about the Houses?-
'I'm Mary Sue. I can do anything and I know everything.'
-Whatever, girl. And the answer to your question was no.-
'What?! But I'm Mary Sue! I belong in Gryffindor!'
-Sure, sure you do. But I'm damn sick of you and "your kind."-
"HUFFLEPUFF!" the Sorting Hat shouted.
Mary Sue screamed an ear-piercing scream that would make even the darkest of all wizards cry; and indeed, the back of Professor Quirrel's turban began weeping. Everyone in the Great Hall winced, at the least. Mary Sue trudged gloomily over to the Hufflepuff table, and sat down beside an ugly boy, who she was quickly informed had a contagious and incurable disease which caused her to have never-ending acne. Mary Sue's face broke into a serious case of acne, and she wept at her seat.
"You look funny," a small Hufflepuff girl giggled.
"Fuck off," Mary Sue spat.
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The start-of-term feast continued through usually, with the exception of the Hufflepuffs acting surprisingly cruel to their newest addition. After the feast, Mary Sue was called aside by Professor McGonagall.
"Terribly sorry about today's incidents," Professor McGonagall said, "and Professor Dumbledore would like to speak to you."
Professor McGonagall lead Mary Sue up to Professor Dumbledore's office, and left once she lead her inside.
"Miss Mary Sue," Professor Dumbledore greeted, "I do believe I have some exciting news for you."
Mary Sue looked intrigued, her eyes flashing bright green, and sat down in a chair in front of Professor Dumbledore's desk.
Professor Dumbledore continued, "I received an owl today, explaining that you, Mary Sue, are indeed the Princess of the Elvish Fairy Merpeople Nymph People, and they would like you to come to their kingdom in the far off sand huts of Antarctica."
"Professor Dumbledore, it sounds like a wonderful place, but I simply cannot go! I must stay here, no matter how dreadful it is!" Mary Sue gasped dramatically, her eyes flashing yellow.
Professor Dumbledore nodded, and sent her off to the Hufflepuff Common Room. Being a Mary Sue, she just knew where the Hufflepuff Common Room was-- through a suit of armor; yet unfortunately, she did not know the password.
Mary Sue stood in front of the suit of armor, with a peeved expression on her face.
"Puffhuffle! Huffle! Puff! Puffle! Huff! Slytherins Suck! Gryffindors Suck! Ravenclaws Suck! Roach! Tweaky! Magic! Hufflepuff forever! Sprout! Bloom! Herbology! We suck at almost everything! Loyalty! We'll miss Cedric Diggory! (Again, she just knew about what would happen to Cedric) You suck! I suck! Everyone sucks! You rule! I rule! Everyone rules! I wish I were in another house! Fuck you! I'm getting frustrated! Muggle! GRR!"
After about stringing together every word in her small vocabulary of big words, she just shrugged.
"Mary Sue is an ugly slut who thinks she's perfect!" she shouted.
The suit of armor jumped out of the way, revealing the Hufflepuff Common Room. She stepped in, and those in the Common Room smirked at her.
"So, figured out the password, did you?" a Hufflepuff prefect smirked.
Mary Sue rolled her eyes, and stormed away, into her dormitory-- since she just knew where it was. She fell onto her bed, and wept loudly.
"What's wrong with me?! I'm supposed to be the most adored person Hogwarts HAS EVER and WILL EVER see! All the boys are supposed to get huge crushes on me! I'm supposed to have perfect complexion! I'm never supposed to swear or be rude! I'm supposed to be in Gryffindor! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT!"
Mary Sue wept into the night, and frankly, no one cared.
++++++++++++++++
The next morning, Mary Sue awoke, feeling slightly better. She arose from her bed, causing the girls in her dormitory to scream. She simply ignored them, trying to be the good little girl she was supposed to be. Mary Sue stepped over to the room's mirror, and screamed, herself. Her reflection displayed a short girl, with a less-than-desirable figure, gnarled mousy brown hair, and dull, sagging, dark grey-brown eyes. Her acne had also gotten worse. Mary Sue collapsed to the floor.
Dazed and confused, Mary Sue woke up. She was on the floor of her dormitory, and it had to be at least noon.
"Oh no! I'm late for Potions!" Mary Sue exclaimed, because she just knew.
Mary Sue got up, got into her robes, which were now stained with red ink, and rushed down to Potions, where Professor Snape was already into a lesson.
"How very nice of you to join us, Miss Mary Sue. May I add in how stunning you look, today. A thousand points from Hufflepuff. Now take your seat next to Miss Granger over there," Professor Snape snapped.
The Hufflepuffs in the room gasped in a unanimous tone. Mary Sue groaned and sat down next to Hermione-- because she just knew who she was.
"Miss Mary Sue, I wonder, can you tell me what a potion is?" Professor Snape asked.
"Surely. It's a magical brew of.. um.." Mary Sue trailed off, looking to Hermione, who was flailing her arms around like her life depended on it.
"No? Well, fifty points from HufflePuff. Miss Granger?" Professor Snape smirked.
Hermione gave a correct answer, and received fifty points to Gryffindor.
After Potions, it was time for Transfiguration. Mary Sue merrily made her way into the Transfiguration room, where the Hufflepuffs were having class with the Slytherins. All throughout the class, she received dark whispers, mocking her.
"Does anyone know what animagi are?" Professor McGonagall inquired.
"Oh, I do!" Mary Sue exclaimed. "After all, I AM one!"
"Oh really, Miss Mary Sue?" Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Well, let's see your animagus form, then."
Mary Sue concentrated hardly on her animagus form-- a beautiful unicorn-- and finally transformed. The class erupted into a mixture of screams and laughter.
"Her animagus form is a CENTIPEDE?!" a Slytherin laughed incredulously.
Mary Sue transfigured back into her human form, and gasped.
"What?!" she gasped.
"You were, indeed, a centipede, Miss Mary Sue," Professor McGonagall said.
"But my form is a unicorn!" Mary Sue pouted.
"Well, apparently, you need some work. I'll meanwhile inform the Ministry of your powers. I'm going to request that you get a tutor. I believe Miss Hermione Granger would be glad to help. Have you met her?" Professor McGonagall continued.
"Yes," Mary Sue mumbled gloomily.
++++++++++++++++
Mary Sue met Hermione in the Great Hall, and began tutoring her. Mary Sue was blatantly bored to death, and couldn't concentrate if she had all the intellect in the world. Suddenly, Harry and Ron ran over to Hermione and Mary Sue, gasping.
"Hermione! This is important! Come with us!" Harry gasped.
"But I'm tutoring Mary Sue," Hermione said.
"Well, bring her with you!" Harry said urgently.
"Does she have to?" Ron mumbled, looking at Mary Sue like she was a disease.
"Fine, then," Hermione said, standing up. "Come on."
Mary Sue followed Hermione, Harry, and Ron. Hermione tried her best to tutor Mary Sue while they walked. Finally, they stopped at a black hole in the wall of some hall; she didn't know where she was. "Should we step through?" Ron said, examining the hole.
"I don't know," Hermione said uncertainly.
"Oh, just do it already," Mary Sue grumbled. "If it's anything to do with Voldemort, I can handle it. He's my father!"
The four stepped in together, and they were transported to a barren land, where only a dark form in a turban was hovering.
"We meet again," the dark form laughed evilly.
"Harry, run! It's Voldemort!" Hermione shouted.
"Crucio!" the voice shouted.
A red beam of light emerged from the form, and hit-- Mary Sue directly. She fell to the ground.
"Imperio!" the voice shouted again.
Once again, a red beam of light hit Mary Sue directly. Mary Sue began jumping around like a chimpanzee. Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched; there faces were both bemused and amused.
"Avada Kedavra!" the voice yelled.
A red beam of light hit Mary Sue directly, and she fell to the ground.
"Well, that's done," the voice said.
"But, Voldemort," Harry began, "she was your daughter!"
"Pfft. My daughter? Figures. She's not even remotely related to me," Voldemort laughed. "She was just getting on my nerves."
"Oh," Harry said.
"Well, up for a butterbeer?" Voldemort offered.
"Sure," Harry, Ron, and Hermione said.
The four skipped off, leaving Mary Sue behind, and lived happily ever after.
++++++++++++++++
The news arrived in Hogwarts that Mary Sue was killed, and the friendly meeting between Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Voldemort was covered up with a fake story in which they tried their hardest to save Mary Sue, but Voldemort was merciless.
And this Mary Sue was not missed.
[A/N: Done! Bwaha! Now, I don't hate Mary Sues completely. Every now and then, they're needed. But too many is just excessive. After all, a good story usually has author-insertion into it; but it is recommended that it be subtle. Hope you liked this! You can make me a very happy puppy be reviewing, please! XD]