Your name is Dan Howell and you want to be Loved.
But not loved by just anyone, you want to be loved by your best friend Phil Lester, who is currently on a date with his new girlfriend. You didn't bother to remember her name, and you don't care to listen to Phil talk of her.
You wake up every morning with a groan, a slam on the alarm clock as you slowly get up and throw on some clothes. Ah, yes the regular "2007 emo myspace kid" look. But, well more like 2019 emo kid look. Even though the style has changed the past few years you still stick to your outdated fringe, black skinny jeans and well, any other black clothing article.
"Dan?" Phil calls out your name as you walk out of your room. Yay, oh boy, wonderful, a cup of tea waiting for you on the coffee table and Adventure Time on the Television. You wish Phil would love you too.
Your name is Phil Lester and you want to be Loved.
But not loved by just anyone, you want to be loved by your best friend Dan Howell. But you are currently "straight" and have a girlfriend, who of course loves holding hands, even when her hands are extremely filthy. You can't spend as much time with Dan anymore. And for some reason he seems to be drifting away from you.
You of course have the style of a eight-year old boy mixed with a sophisticated adult. You simply enjoy your style and you girlfriend seems to as well, sadly. Mixed with the shorter fringe that usually is way better than Dan's. Although you love his hobbit hair.
You see Dan in front of you, he looks ill or sleep deprived. You really can't tell. Dan has a seat on the couch and takes the cup of tea, sipping on it. You think to yourself that the tea may help, and he may love you too. But that's ridiculous. "Thanks Phil." Dan states, emptily. He is empty. Just like you.
Your name is Dan Howell and you feel like crying.
You stare at the cup in your hands as a tear slips from your eye. Fuck, not here you think. Phil looks at you worriedly, you can't look him in the eye. "Are you okay?" Phil asks you. You want to say no, you want to say that you love him, you want to tell him that you want to die. So, you nod your head yes. "I"m fine Phil, don't be worried." You smiled up to him and wipe your face quickly. "So...how was your date?" You ask, mostly because you want to change topics, even though you won't be interested.
"Oh it was..." You zone off, Phil keeps talking but you can't help but to stare at how beautiful he is. How he moves, and talks. It's mesmorizing to you. There's no way you can be loved by him. You're pathetic. A faggot.
"Dan!" Phil shouts and suddenly runs to you. Your hands touches your face. The tears, they fall like there is a storm in your eyes. Phil wraps his arms around you, and you sob into his shoulder.
Your name is Phil Lester and you feel horrible.
Oh you, ignoring your feelings days later from Dan's fit and going out on another date with your filthy handed girlfriend. She's holding your hand again, waaay to tightly. You sigh. "Phil, I love you." You don't love her. You absolutely hate her. But you sigh, pretend it's Dan and say. "I love you too." She smiles, at least she's happy.
You get on the beach and you start to walk with her. You can't do this anymore. You need Dan, you miss him. You need him. "We need to talk." You say bluntly and rip your hand from hers. She looks offended. "Your hands are always sweaty, and I'm gay. Leave." Your voice is full of anger, You don't always get this way. She tries arguing with you,
You wouldn't listen so she left and so did you.
Your name is Dan Howell and you're going to kill yourself.
You are sick of being unloved by the one you love most. You are sick of the pressure of youtube. Although you upload an old file off of your laptop onto your channel. Views are flooding in. Comments blowing up, maybe because it was a goodbye video.
You scribble a note to Phil saying how much you love him, and how you're sorry, and how it wasn't his fault. You lay the note gently on the door and run a warm bath. You have no idea when Phil will get home from his date. You lock the bathroom door and sit in the bath for a while, fully clothed before you dunk your head under. You're drowning yourself.
You're forcing yourself down, no matter how much your body is wanting to come back up it's getting cold and you keep breathing out. Breathe out, breathe out. It'll be over soon. Lungs are shriveling to nothing, it feels like a pressure on your chest. You hear a door unlock but everything is getting dark and cold. You're shaking, and then you feel nothing.
Your name is Phil Lester and something is wrong.
You walk in, slowly, something is off. All the lights in the flat are currently off. Except the bathroom light before you walk down the hall you see a slip of paper. You read the paper and your heart drops to your stomach. You can't breathe. You start to panic.
"Dan?! Dan!?" You start shouting as you run to the bathroom, the door is locked. You take a few steps back and ram into the door. It was no use. Water is running out from under the door. You start to cry. Sobbing Screaming his name. Your voice is hurting you now. You keep ramming into the door when it finally breaks open and you stare in horror at what's in front of you.
Dan's lifeless body floats among the water as it spills out of the small apartment tub. You cover your mouth, you're sick. You vomit in the floor as you struggle to turn the water off and pull his heavy body from the bath. You shout his name, hysterically crying over him. There is no saving him now. Dan is gone. Maybe Phil should be too.