Summary: Severus hears some news- news that send his thoughts to long ago.
Disclaimer: I do not own his evilness or him, such a pity
A/N: This was a songfic, but I took the lyrics out to be able topost it, it is also an AU one shot.
Severus Snape sat down hard in his office, the letter from Lily still clenched in his hand. How could he be the boy's father? How could fate have chosen that one night to give him a son? He knew now he would have to face the boy; Dumbledore was bringing him to the dungeons in a few minutes so they could explain, but could he? All thoughts ceased when the small boy walked in. Standing before him now was who he had thought was James Potter's son, but now he realized it was not so; Harry was his son.
There were tears, shouts of liar, and then Harry bolted for the door. Severus' face fell, his mask of indifference breaking for the slightest second.
"How could I have expected anything less, Albus? I have treated him unfairly from the moment I laid eyes on him, seeing him as something I lost out on, a memory of my past I did not want to relive."
"Give him time, Severus. He has been given a great deal to think about. I am sure once you both work past this you will be a fine father."
"A fine father, Albus, but how?"
Dumbledore left Severus to his thoughts. Severus placed both hands on his desk. The letter seemed to burn his fingers so he flung it to the ground. How could he be a father? How could he show anyone love and understanding when he himself had not been taught it? His own father had been nothing short of sadistic when he was a child, teaching him the dark arts, refusing him praise, and giving him retribution when he failed. He had wanted Severus to become a Death Eater from early on, bringing him to meetings, showing him the way of a pureblood wizard, but all they had done was sicken Severus. He did not wish to join his father and the others.
His thoughts were confirmed the night he watched his mother used as bait to lure the truth from his father. Voldemort had found out the truth, and then Severus' mother had been beaten to death, all while Severus watched. Severus had been only seven, but he had watched as his father begged the Dark Lord, begged for the life of his wife, only to be laughed at as her lifeless body was thrown at his feet. Severus knew that day he would not become what his father had been.
Severus continued to grow up sheltered from anything to do with muggles, told they were inferior beings. His father kept him safe, yes, kept him from any harm, choosing to get rid of anyone who wished to harm his heir to Voldemort. This, however, made Severus trust no one, his father whispering to him that everyone was out to get him, that everyone had a price. Severus became leery of everyone around him, choosing to keep to himself at school and never straying outside to play, instead keeping his nose buried in a book of potions -- at least that way he could not be hurt. He was afraid to love someone, for everyone he loved either hated him or ended up dead like his mother.
Severus never knew laughter, never knew the meaning of having a good time with friends. The one time he had chosen a friend, his hopes had been dashed. His father found Severus showing the boy his Death Eater mask and had ended the boy's life right there in Severus' bedroom. Tears had pooled in his eyes, falling unchecked down his face; for this, he got no hug of comfort. His father whirled him around, screaming about how careless he was. Severus' heart broke a little more that day, pieces of it ripping away. Never would he find a friend, someone to care. He was just a piece of property, an empty vessel destined, it seemed, for a life of servitude.
Severus found himself walking towards the the one place he could think, the astronomy tower. One foot after another had him climbing the tower steps till at last he sat down and peered over the edge, thinking of his father, thinking how the man he called Father was never one to him.
Severus had only been fourteen when his father told him to get dressed that night. They had raided a muggle town, killing at random, torturing on a whim, and Severus had stopped many times to be sick. His father did not think of his son's needs that night; he didn't seem to see the tears as they rolled down Severus' face, nor the pleas for them to stop.
They had looted the village, taking all things valuable, and now they stood before the Dark Lord, bowing before his feet in servitude, while a group of muggles stood in the center of his circle. The first to be brought from the group of muggles was a woman, her raven hair to her waist, her skin fair, her blue eyes piercing Severus' soul.
"Mother?" he called, seeing a perfect replica of his mother standing before him.
"Silence!" Voldemort had ordered. "You," he said, pointing to Severus' father, "you shall kill this muggle. Show her what being unworthy means, for to see her makes my skin crawl with unease."
Severus' father had again pled, his mind not seeing the woman as a muggle, but seeing her as a perfect copy of his wife. Again his father could not kill her, and again he was cursed for it.
That night Severus lay in bed, his tears falling silently to his pillow, but there was a noise coming from down the hall -- one Severus had never heard before. Placing his slippers on, Severus went to see what it was.
In the sitting room was his father, drinking a glass of fire whiskey, the last of the bottle, Severus noticed, as the empty one sat on the table. His father pulled Severus to him that night and told him how important it was for them to always remain faithful to the Dark Lord, how any show of defiance meant certain death. His father was never the same after that night; the little piece of his soul that was left had disappeared. Now he was a broken man, one that lived through Severus.
Severus let himself go, all the many years of pent-up tears cascading down his porcelian features. Never had he been allowed to love, to just be held, to have a heart, but he knew what it was for one to break over and over. Harry... How could he explain any of this to Harry? How could he tell him he didn't know how to love him?
"My life has been so empty, so full of rage and hate... How am I to turn all of that around and raise a son?' he thought aloud. "I am afraid."
His thoughts whirling, his head pounding, Severus did not notice that he had company until a small hand was placed in his. When he looked up, he saw that Harry was not frowning as he had been earlier; he was not screaming about lies. Now he was staring at him.
"Potter... I mean Harry. I don't know how to raise a son; my own father did not do a very good job."
"I do not know how to have a father, so we will learn together. I know it will be hard, but our lives have always been hard. Dumbledore spoke to me about some things, and I think I understand."
"How could you? How could you know about those things? How could you know that kind of pain, of that hurt?"
Harry did smile then, so brightly that it threw Severus off for a minute. "There are many things I see we need to talk about, but, because of you, I will now have a father."