Different kind of love
AN : Hello everyone !
So, impossible to get that piece of my head. I don't know why I had this character protrait of Setsuna stucked in my mind, so instead of letting it sleeping in my head, I took some time to write it down. And like the one about Feldt, it came in English ^^ !
I always wondered about Setsuna view of love, since there is very few romantic interactions between him and the female characters. In the end of the film, I couldn't help but think that in a way, Setsuna way of loving was universal (and it saddened me for Feldt...), but I'm sure he was able to make the difference between the love he received and the one he gave. So here is my little piece of mind about it. Each part is about one type of love : first the family (mostly around Lockon's character), second the love of a "mother" (I'm sorry for Marina/Setsuna fans out there : I don't have anything against this pairing, but I only felt a strong bonding between them, around respect and understanding. I have difficulties to name this kind of love but for me, it's not linked to romantic feelings), and last, the lover, Feldt.
Enjoy, and I hope there is not a lot of mistakes ! *edited and corrected in many ways XD*
Disclaimer : I do not own Gundam series and film... *sigh*
When he joined the Celestial Being, Setsuna spend most of his time watching his newfounds companions, silently observing them, and he finally came to that conclusion : most of them fought for the sake of love. Allelujah fought in memories of someone he loved dearly, and wished to see again. Lockon fought to avenge his family. Even Tieria fought for the love of an ideal : his overprotectiveness toward Veda was an obvious sign of attachment to his master.
Sumeragi and the crew all had a reason to fight linked to that feeling : in memories of a family, a lost lover, or simply for the world and humanity.
When this came to his mind, he first felt left out : he fought to protect a world he wasn't even sure to love. After all he went through, the war, the manipulation, the lies, he had a hard time thinking that all humans were worth his protection. The love he had for the God he followed in his youth was so twisted and blinded him so much that he refused to consider it like a reason to fight anymore.
Did he love his Gundam ? He was the main reason he joined this group, a way to continue to fight, this time for the well-being of peace. Soran Ibrahim had probably loved his parents, his friends. He vaguely remembered a pat on his head, a gentle smile, a warm feeling surrounding him. So vague, so distant, that it was like it happened in another life, another time.
Setsuna was only able to fight : it was all he could do. And love, with all the suffering it bringed, wasn't worth his energy.
This fact clear in his mind, he focused on his mission, solely on his duty. But a part of him had to admit that not being alone in that battle was a relief. He knew they had his back, and a kind of trust was slowly making his way in him. He was still the silent and lone observer of the band, and nobody noticed this slight change, but it was there, nonetheless.
The first to really approched him and acting like he cared for him had been Lockon. His laid-back nature was new to Stesuna, but he appreciated it. Next was Allelujah, and Tieria, well... was Tieria. He respected him for his dedication to their mission and objective.
They had a same goal, could trust each other : it was enough for him, they didn't have to know about him, and he didn't want to know about them either. The secrecy was his way of life and he felt no need to be curious about them.
But the result of his observation time made him wonder sometimes : could he make their suffering lighter by fighting ? Was it really enough ? All in all, he began to find back the foreign feeling of a family, with a safe place and trustworthy people he was determined to protect from the craziness of the world. He had a new reason to fight, and it was no longer only about his abilities.
The battle in Moralia had been hard on him : all the confined memories came back with force when he looked at the man in the Enact's cockpit. Startled, lost, he made the mission harder for his teammates and put them in danger. That's why he didn't react to both Lockon and Tieria's threats of killing him. They were right, and for the first time since he joined them he had been overwhelmed by anger. Maybe one day, he will have to talk to them about this past, to sort things out and avoid another failure. But not now. He'll have to gain their trust back to keep the Exia safe.
Soon enough, Setsuna had to learn to talk and face the others : atoning for his sin as a KPSA member to Lockon has freed him about his past, only to be tracked down by him. The death of his friend, of his brother by the hand of Ali-Al-Saachez was carved in his heart and in his mind, and the memory of Neil Dylandy, of the promise he made to him has been a lifeline to him. And a way for his family to stick together, for the lost ones who gave their lives..
And it's only at this moment that Setsuna truly understood Lockon's reason to fight and the meaning of his words : when you lost someone you love, avenging them is not the answer. Living for them and pursuing their ideals is a more suitable one, but the one who must decide about what to do is you.
And because Setsuna loved Lockon, Lichty and Christina as a family, he would not turn into an avenger, and start a new cycle of useless wars. It will be his way to show them the love he was unable to give them when they were still alive.
Time passed, and the Krugis young man thought about all the changes when he took a step in the tactical room for the first time in 4 years. He still felt at home, and was decided to bring back together the members of his family. If there was one thing he understood through all his questionning, it was that he has been surrounded by care and love during his time as a Celestial Being, even if he took time to acknowledge it. Soran Ibrahim had found the love a family back.
His first encounter with Marina Ismaïl had been strange for him. It was the first time he met someone with the same goal as him but with a different view about how achieving it.
It made him wonder again about his mission : was fighting the only way ? And what about the reason of all this twisted acts made by humans ?
With their differents encounters, the questions kept coming, tossing and turning in his head.
But never did he think about stopping the fight, as she asked him so many times. He have a mission to fullfill, and even if he sincerely hoped that the understanding Marina wished for came one day, he knew that somebody still had to fight to make it happens. They were friends and partners in this, and he never really found a better one than her : someone who listened to him, didn't fear to disagree with him in order to make him think about his surrounding, reaching out for him to protect his life and his mind from the harshness of the war.
When he saved her during the terrorist attack on her ship, he was relieved to see her alive and well. She was like the other face of a coin, the one he would like to be, his ideal, but the one he would never be. He had seen too much to be completly pure like her.
Their talks about peace, war, and life were precious to him, because it reminded him that out there, people were suffering, disagreeing with them, and that fighting wasn't the only answer, just the path he had chosen. He felt humble when he talked to her, and even if his resolution never faltered, it comforted him in a strange kind of way. It showed him that the road will be long and difficult to reach an understanding, but that it doesn't prevent for caring about each other happiness.
He never thought about returning to Azadistan before she popped the question. What could he do there exactly ? The last time brought back to many pain, he wasn't sure he could handle it properly. And he had so much to do before reaching peace that it was not possible now.
Anyway, these encounters always teached him something : he had a long way to go before being able to change something in this world. And changing himself was probably harder than any Gundam fights in the world. But the song of the children often played in his head, reminding him of the essential task it was, for the future.
When he came back to her after 50 years in space, he finally felt like they met a common ground, even if their path had been so different, just because they genuinely cared and respected the person in front of them, like a mother and a child can care for each other.
Holding the glass recipient in his hand, Setsuna wondered about the feeling floating in the air.
He was an Innovator now, he had changed to the point he no longer totally saw himself as an human. And then, she came with this flower, who grew in space after growing in the desert, asking him to stay alive. The flower itself symbolised hope and courage, and the fact that she came from his homeland touched him. He could not say he really knew Feldt : they became close after Lockon death, she was part of his family, but he knew she had a stronger feeling toward him. She came, fighting her shyness, to give him a gift and asking him to come back, after all.
Thinking about this made him feel strange : when he was doubting his humanity, she reminded him of his past and his present, subtly telling him that he belonged here with them, with her. And it strenghtened his resolve to stop Ribbons and to come back to thank her properly.
The ELS conflict had been a rollercoaster for him : he was conflicted between his own changes, the way to make the dialogue succesful, and his newfound awareness. He secluded himself, scared of the others's reactions. It felt like he was starting his life again, like the time he joined the Celestial Being, full of shyness, fear of the others, and defiance. He knew that his family was startled and cared for him, but he couldn't help the fear crawling under his skin, the fear of being alone again and failing the mission he had been tasked as the true Innovator.
The one who sticked with him, patiently, was Feldt. Sometimes he felt guilty for the way he answered her kindness. It wasn't her fault, but in a way, she added another thing to handle for him, and he didn't know how to respond to her. So he chose to shrug it off, and played it like he wasn't aware of anything. She wasn't a fool, he knew that. But until he found a way to clear the mess in his head, it would be that way.
He was drowning in darkness. The feeling was suffocating as he lived the worst parts of his life again. No warmth, no light, just emptiness. He tried to get up, to get out of here, but the face of Ali Al-Saachez, smirking, kept him in place, along with all the people who died by his hand or his fault. Suddenly, a faint whisper came to his ear : turning his head toward it, he tried to reach for the voice, unable to recognize its owner. A flash of light appeared, and a yellow flower drifted in front of him. Seizing it, he felt himself tremble and being pulled up.
Panting, he opened his eyes, feeling his hand trapped in warmth, hearing a whispered prayer. Taking a look at his environment, he felt the urge to get up when he saw the lights flickered and the ship moving violently.
But as he was getting up he felt a body pressed against his, hand grasping his back in a tight hug.
« - Feldt Grace... »
She was sobing, thanking him for coming back. But more than her words, it was the love that radiated from her that hit him hard. Unconditionnal love, ready to sacrifice himself for the well-being of the loved one. Compassionnate and understanding, without asking anything in return.
He felt like crying too, overwhelmed by this feeling currently awakening in him a whirlwind of thoughts : joy, guilt, sadness, relief.
She looked at him, as if she was aware of his turmoil, silently asking about his condition.
« -I'm okay. Thank you for everything... »
She shook her head, smiling.
« -I'm sorry... »
Her eyes went wide, tears still pooling in her eyes. He understood what she felt and wiped one of her tear.
« -Don't cry, please. I apologized for my strange behavior. I ignored you and I'm really sorry for that ».
« -Don't. It's not necessary, I know it has been a hard time for you. », Feldt replied, finding her words back.
She let go of him, planning to explain what was happening. But he catched her wrist, making her face him. Smiling, she opened her mouth before he had the time to speak.
« -I know that you know. I know what you have to do. Don't worry about me. You'll always have someone to return to, and someone who'll love you for who you are. So go.»
Her smile was teary, but she smiled nonetheless, relieved that she could express what she kept inside for so long.
But the man in front of her wore the same expression on his face, a small teary smile.
Setsuna pulled her and took her in his arms. He had been late to recognize his own feelings, hurting her in the process. The love he had for her was not as bright and powerful as the one she hold for him, but he wondered how it could be to give a chance to it. Now, he has a task to accomplish, but maybe one day...
A pang of sadness echoed through him. He had no right to barge in her life and make promises when he wasn't even sure to come back. So he bathed in her pure love, taking all the strength he needed to not waste her sacrifice.
As the hug came to an end, they looked at each other, still smiling, still crying. He shut his overthinking mind for a moment, and leaned down a bit, when she rushed up to place her lips on his own. Salt and fruit, that was the taste he had on his mouth when he returned her kiss, letting her take the lead until he felt comfortable. She slowly, gradually deepened the kiss, when he let his tongue met hers on impulse. Their hearts ached, knowing well that it would be their first and last kiss at the same time.
They parted ways, gasping for air, without breaking the silence. He took her hand and guided her through the hallways, her scent lingering on his skin. When he reached the Gundam, he turned to her, reaching for her cheek, absorbing her face and her smile before departing without a word to fullfill his destiny.
And the flower that his meeting with the ELS left in space will always be the proof of his love for her.
Tadaaaa ! Well it was kind of hard to exactly tell what I wanted to tell but well, it's done ! I hope you are not lost with the timeline. I wanted to show Setsuna's evolution regarding these different kind of love, and the timelines are quite mixed. I decided to explore each kind of love instead of following the event of the anime.
Hope you had a good time, don't hesitate to drop a review if you want ^^.