Disclaimer: I don't own degrassi.
He was the first thing on her mind as she woke up on that cold November morning. The moon was still visible and she could almost hear his sobs. As she pulled her shirt over head, and looked at herself in the mirror, she glanced briefly at the clock and imagined what he was doing. She wondered if he was sitting alone in his room, with his sheets wrapped around him, like he used to. Or, if he was getting ready for school, forcing back the sobs that threatened to take control of his life. Oh, she had seen him do that too many times, when the dark of the night or the dawn of the morning would rise above and his emotions would push and pull him into the sea of self-hate that he hated oh so much. Possibly, this boy may even be walking to school, with nothing but a cover up on his vulnerable face.
Clare Edwards shook her head to clear all of the thoughts away, She wasn't his mother, or girlfriend for that matter, and she knew that she shouldn't be worried about him. But she couldn't help it. She couldn't help but I hope that he had someone to hold him on this memorable day. She hoped that his dear parents would kiss him lightly on the forehead and tell him that, somehow, it was okay. More than anything, Clare just wanted someone to stand next to him when her laugh and the sound of her steps would haunt his every movement.
But, she tried to spend less time worrying about him and more time on her hair. And she started her day like she normally would have, but his face was outlined darkly in her bright vision.
As the brush went through her thick hair, she knew, deep down, that he was alone and sobbing for the salt burning his wounds.
.
.
.
The Autumn day brought leaves and cool wind to Clare as she stepped out of her house. The door creaked behind her loudly and she shrugged her backpack over her shoulder, not waiting for her stepbrother. He wouldn't understand what her plan was. Jake would accuse her of being stupid and idiotic or even creepy for walking past his house to see if the car was still in the driveway.
The weather reminded her of when Eli had first told her about Julia. She remembered how his dark features shrank into a land foreign and painful to her. His eyes died a little and his fingers had grasped the steering wheel with something that made her whole body ache with an alien and odd feeling. Clare could almost hear the subtle, but noticeable sniff coming from him as they drove back.
Julia would have been eighteen on this day. She knew this because as she helped him clean out his room, she found the calendar that he had marked with all of Julia's dates and important days in her life and in their relationship. And when she had given him the calendar, he smiled apologetically, but she simply smiled and turned around, trying not to let a ghost change her vision. As she continued to clean, a couple minutes later, she heard a drawer open and slowly, she turned around to see Eli gently place the calendar next to the Palahniuk tickets. Right where everything special belonged.
Clare regretted wearing flats while walking. Her feet were frozen already and she was barely halfway to his house. The cold clung to her every move and she wrapped her jacket tighter around herself.
When she finally reach the patch of road in front of his house, she slowed down her walking and her eyes were glued onto the semi-brick house that seemed dark on this particular day. She squinted up at the house and sighed in relief when the car was gone. A smile picked up on her lips and she moved closer to have a car horn fill her ears.
"You okay, Clare?" His voice called out, and Clare spun around to see Eli, who had just quickly wiped up his tears. He drove the rest of the way into the driveway and parked. Slowly getting out, he locked the doors with a simple click from his keys, and turned around to face Clare, asking the question again, but this time, with his eyes.
Clare nodded, and Eli gave a small smile, but the smile dropped like liquid when Clare spoke. "Are you okay?"
Eli shrugged and a weak smirk took over his pursed ones. "Define 'okay'"
She walked closer, and she could visibly see him cringe, and clear his throat. "She would have been eighteen today." Eli whispered, his voice hoarse and cold, but above all; desperate.
"That's why I'm here."
Eli nodded, and jerked his head towards the front door, and he led the way. When Clare stepped into the house, calmness swept over her. It still smelled like fresh wood, with lemon and honey. Eli pulled off his jacket and she followed his steps, and with a jump, Clare put her jacket on the very tall coat rack. Eli smirked with amusement, but Clare let it go, not wanting to talk back to him in his day of need. Eli disappeared into the kitchen and Clare walked slowly, looking at each and every baby picture of Eli. Pictures of a toothless boy running around made her heart melt. And then when she reached the black-and-white close-up one, her hand jumped to her chest. Eli's black hair was even long when he was four, and he had a great smile on his face, a smile that only a little kid could have.
"-Would you like anything to drink?" Eli's voice interrupted her train of thought and she turned around to see him standing in the doorway, grimacing at the picture in her hand.
"You were the cutest little thing that I've ever seen in my life." Clare muttered in awe, and Eli let out a brief cackle.
"I looked innocent, but trust me, I was such a brat."
"You? Brat? I don't believe it!"
"Oh, wow, Edwards. My heart can't handle your words," Eli said monotonously, and Clare let out a laugh, "No, but brat was doesn't give what I was justice. You're talking to the boy that had a knack for putting frogs down someone's pants.
"What a rebel," Clare giggled, "You must have gotten a lot of ladies from that."
"Oh, the women loved me. I was the bad kid, and even in second grade, the ladies found that attractive. Except one, of course. There's always that one," Eli drifted off and a small, but sad smile adorned his lips, "Julia hated me when we were young. I had dropped a frog down her shirt, and ever since then she had hated me."
Clare cracked a smile and looked back down at the little Eli, trying to picture him doing everything he said he did. "And you ended up dating her..." Clare drifted off with an air of question and wonder.
Eli chuckled, and ran his fingers through his hair, wincing humorously at the memory. "Ironic, isn't it? But in my freshman year, she came up to me, hugged me, and suddenly, I felt something drop in my shirt. Sure enough, after lots of shaking, the frog from hopped out. But Julia merely said, 'Now we're even' and kissed my cheek lightly," Eli eyes became distant as his story progressed, "I think that's when I fell in love with her. She was my first kiss, even though it was only on the cheek."
"That's sweet." Clare said quietly, with a kind smile. Eli shrugged and looked at the ground.
"Um, I have to call CeCe to tell her that I came back. Do you want me to meet you in my room?"
But before Clare could respond, Eli was already out of the room. So, she did what Eli had "suggested" and climbed her way up the stairs.
She tried to ignore his soft cries.
.
.
.
They sat on his bed, the air around them still and silent. The happiness before had quickly vanished and was replaced with a bitter jolt of pain that cut through both of them.
Clare cleared her throat and looked directly at him, "What did you do today?"
"I left flowers at her grave." Eli shrugged, trying to sound casual about it, but really, a silver drop fell to its death off of his nose. It splattered on his arm and they both watched it with intensity.
"That must have been nice!" Clare said with false cheer, but immediately regretted it when Eli sank deeper into himself.
The hums and creaks of the old house made Clare feel less alone in the situation. She watched Eli closely, taking in his dark circles under his eyes, ones that resembled bruises. Her eyes made their way down his lean body that looked so small compared to his eyes. When she looked at his hands, she noticed a dark purple color covering his knuckles. It looked like someone and took a marker and scribbled all over it, but she knew that it was no marker, and she knew that his hands were probably in extreme pain.
"What happened to your hands, Eli?" She asked, leaning closer to him, but his hands snapped back cautiously.
"It's been a bad day." He offered, but that's all Clare needed to know.
The weight of the world fell back on them once again. Clare stared at Eli, with her blue eyes calculating his every move. For a reason beyond her knowledge, she felt...angry. She felt angry that a girl lost her life, leaving a world of change left behind. Now, Clare wasn't sure who she was mad at, but something told her, a whisper, told her that it was just life. And she wanted to desperately hate life, but she knew that that would get her nowhere, so instead of blaming, she gently brushed his bruised hand, showing it some love.
"It's been two years, Edwards. Almost three" The boy spoke, and an abrupt shiver traveled down his back, and the squeal of her laughter stuck its claws into his back and the nails went deeper and the blood, the red invisible blood, flooded out of him.
"And you've done so great." Clare muttered, closing her eyes, not liking his still figure.
"Great?" He scoffed, a bark of a laugh forcing itself out, his head hit the wall above his bed, "Great is a word to describe great people, and great things, and great situations. Greatness follows and trails after you and Julia, and fuck, even Adam. I've been nothing but a...an...a...failure." Eli cringed at the cliche word, but deep down, he knew that word was something that described him too well.
"A failure wouldn't feel like you do, Eli. You don't see yourself like I do, like everyone does. And that's where you'll fail. That's where you'll fall. You can't see yourself for what I see you as, or as...Julia saw you as."
Clare was afraid that the words almost rolled off of his shoulders, because he merely sat back and his head hit the pillow, and his eyes closed, "You don't know, Clare. You don't know. I wish you did. I wish that you could. I wish for a lot of things, I guess," Eli opened his eyes, but instead of the dry ones that she liked so much, she had looked into the forest green eyes that looked like running water, "We made a pact, you see. On her birthday, her stepmother was being cruel, and it was the date of her mother's death and we were fourteen, death seemed like a foreign term that only old people whispered about. But, we promised each other that if one dies, we had to do ourselves off, too. And...after she passed away and after the funeral, I coudn't. I...I didn't want to. I wanted to live." Eli shuddered and rolled on his stomach, his shoulders shaking with nothing but grief.
"It's not a sin to want to live," Clare whispered, her hand soothing his, "You were fourteen. You didn't know, Eli. You just didn't know."
"But I can hear her. She hates me. God, she hates me. Julia hates me because I didn't follow our fucking stupid plan, and also, that after I didn't go through with the plan, I'm a mess. She'd be so disappointed."
Clare trailed her fingers over his bare chest. His slight chest moved up and down, almost like it was being pulled up like puppet strings, with its hooks latched onto him. She carefully reached and grabbed his hand, placing a gentle kiss in between is bruised knuckles. "You're a beautiful mess, Eli." Clare whispered, pulling him closer to her chest, with his limp head resting on her shoulder. His feeble and pale hands found their way into hers. The warm heat radiating off her, made him pull closer.
"I hate that I hate myself this much, Clare. God, I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it," He spoke softly, his tone low and grave with a grief that wasn't meant for the girl holding him, "And I shouldn't be telling you this, I'm sorry, it's not fair to you. Once again, I'm such a complete ass for doing th-"
"Oh, Eli," Clare held him closer, and pressed a light kiss to the temple of his forehead, "Please do shut up."
Eli tried to smile, but instead a quiet sob pushed itself harshly out of his mouth. His hand quickly covered his mouth but Clare moved it out of the way. "Don't keep it inside, Eli. Don't do that. Just let it out, you don't have to talk, you don't have to cry, but if you need to, I'm here. And I'm here to stay for you."
"Maybe I'll burden you later, but now, I want to rest," Eli pulled away from her embrace, but to only kiss her lightly on the cheek and lean back on his pillows, the bed creaking with his movement, "But, of course, you can go to school or spend your day off somewhere else. I don't mind."
"Eli, please don't make me tell you to shut up again."
He smiled and his eyes closed like boulders. But before he got too far into dreamland, Clare leaned forward next to his ear. "It'll get better." She muttered, and Eli let out a deep breath.
"Thank you."
Clare pulled herself next to him, making sure to keep space between them, but still have him feel her warmth. Once his soft snores echoed around the room, she let her eyes close too. She tried to understand the past two hours and what happened. She hadn't expected to make it into his house and comfort him, not that she minded, but it seemed so surreal. The last time they talked was weeks ago when she had dropped her pencil and he casually picked it up for her. And now, she was in bed with him. Sure, it wasn't anything sexual, but it still was a huge step.
Suddenly, the bed shifted, and before she could open her eyes, she felt him wrap his arms around her and bring her closer to his chest. He rested his chin on her head and hers found a home in the crook of his neck. Clare breathed in his smell and smiled, this smile radiating onto his neck.
Before sleeping, she whispered one last time, "It'll get better."
"Especially with you here." He whispered after a couple of moments and Clare blushed, and closed her eyes tightly, letting the sleep pull her over into a land where no pain was present.
Not sure how I feel about this, but I review would be quite lovely! :)