Title: Desperado
Disclaimer: I don't own House (or his gorgeous blue eyes!) and I don't own Desperado.
a/n: This is just something that I've always wanted to write. I think that this song is so perfect for House. This is my first shot at a House fic, so please tell me what you think! Sorry if House seems a little OOC, but how does anybody know what goes on inside his devious little mind?
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow
I know that she loves me, but I just don't know what to do about it. I guess I'm scared, in a way, scared of what might happen if she discovers that I'm more that just sarcasm and snide remarks. I try so hard to present myself as a person that doesn't care, but she looked past all that, and there's no going back now. I don't want to come off as a cuddly, warm, fuzzy person; I want to be a doctor who is known for treating people, for finding out what's wrong and saving lives. That's the reason I went down this path with my life. I didn't become a doctor to become friends with people. I like not having to deal with whiney people all day, I just get to sit back in my office and solve a puzzle. Well, it was like that, until Cuddy made me do all those clinic hours again. I just don't get why she likes me.
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
I've made some pretty bad decisions in the past, and now I'm afraid to make another one. I don't know what would happen if I let her love me. I've been known as the cynical, sarcastic Dr. Gregory House for so long, that I'm not sure if want all that to change for a woman. My job, Wilson, my reputation, they've all been a constant in my life. I can't run. I can't just give up my job because of this, but I don't want it to move any further. At some points during the day, I actually find myself feeling affection for Cameron, but I just push all those ideas out of my head.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
I just want a perfect situation. One that doesn't have me getting involved with an employee, resigning, or just plain screwing everything up. I figure that if I really try to convince myself that that is what I want, and then I can tell people that I do have dreams of a relationship, even though it's not true. I might be asking for too much. I push people away; my comments are just reminders to people to not get too close to me. I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity, but it just hasn't come.
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
I just wish that I had somebody to hold on to, someone to care about. They have to be someone who will be able to handle me and my moodiness. I just feel so trapped and left out at the same time. I look at everyone around me, and they all have something or someone outside of this hospital. I mean, even Wilson is married, even if his marriage is a total waste of his time, he still is able to say that he found someone. I can't say that. I have never really truly loved someone before. I think that this may be the first time, and I'd hate for it to be the last, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to put my job or reputation in jeopardy. Each day that passes is another day for her to find someone else, or for her to just simply walk away.
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're loosin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?
I've been working with Cameron for few months now, and each time I see her, I feel the sudden urge to gather her body in my arms. I also feel the pain of knowing that there is always going to be something there that will keep us apart. I'm stuck. I want her so bad, but for some reason, I just can't have her. I am so used to the pain now that I don't really notice it when I approach her. My body is numb. I want to tell her how much I love her, how much I need her, how much I want her, but something deep down inside of me is keeping me from doing just that.
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late
I decided last night, before her visit, that I would finally tell her. I would invite her out to dinner tonight, and everything would be okay. I finally decided to open my heart for her to see. I wasn't planning on wearing it on my sleeve, but I just wanted to let her know that I cared about her. I can't do that now. Her official letter of resignation is sitting on my desk. It's too late; nothing can be done about it any longer. I waited too long, and now my chance has passed. I should have let her love me, but it's too late.
The End!