So I'm a Hero?
Author's Note: Bare with me everyone. I've never done a one shot before. I'm still working on my longer story, but I just wanted to get this down. Hope you all like it
Summary: During the episode 3x07 Chuck vs. The Mask, Sarah made a comment to Chuck about Heroes being her type. This is what I thought should have happened.
"If I have to see you with anyone else, it might as well be a hero." Chuck's voice dropped a little as he said it.
"What can I say, I have a type." She replied with a smile.
She had been trying to make him smile, thought that he would appreciate the joke. She could tell immediately that she was wrong. His face had lost all trace of emotion. That more than anything scared her.
In all the time she had known Chuck, she had never seen him close down so completely. She dropped her own smile.
"Chuck what's..." She didn't get to finish.
"Your serious?" He asked her incredulously. "I can't believe you could..." He trailed off and shut his eyes tightly. Sarah finally saw the mask lift. He opened his eyes and she gasped internally as she saw the pain in them.
She stepped forward to try and comfort him, but pulled up short when he stepped back and raised a hand to keep her away.
"Chuck? What's wrong?" She asked quickly.
"Nothing." He said obviously lying. "Listen I'll talk to you later." He turned to leave, but Sarah was too fast. He'd only made it halfway to the stairs before she grabbed his arm and pulled him back to her.
"Chuck Please! What is it?" He pulled his arm away and glared at her.
Chuck tried to hold back. He didn't want to give her more ammo or make a fool of himself, especially with Casey and Shaw in the next room, but the minute he turned to look at her the words just started flowing.
"How can you say that to me!?" He hissed trying to keep his voice down. The last thing he needed was Agent "Superman" Shaw coming in to check on them. He didn't think he could handle that.
"Chuck I don't understand." Sarah was starting to panic. She wasn't good with the sharing of emotions and Chuck was practically vibrating with emotion. She was at a lost.
"You like Heroes? Isn't that what you just said?" He asked her, crossing his arms as he waited for her response.
"I...I don't....What's wrong with that?" She stumbled. She mentally cringed as she heard her voice falter. She could face a rogue agent wielding a blow torch and keep a smile on her face, but facing an obviously angry Chuck Bartowski was unnerving her.
"Shaw being a hero impresses you. Makes you look at him and think wow he's great! There's mister right." His voice broke. The anger in it instantly transforming into pain. "When I tried to do the right thing...Tried to be the hero that you kept telling me I was." His voice was so faint she almost didn't hear his last part. "You tell me to keep my feelings to myself. What did I do? Sarah? Am I just not...enough?"
She could see the tears in his eyes. Her voice froze in her throat. She wanted to hold him. Wipe away the pain on his face, but she couldn't. It would undo everything she had done to maintain the proper distance from him. They couldn't go there again. She was his handler. It wouldn't be right. It would put him in danger. It took everything in her not to deny what he was saying. Take him in her arms and assure him that he was wrong.
Chuck watched her waiting for a response, hoping that she would tell him he was wrong, that his words were wrong. He could see the emotion behind her eyes. She was struggling with something. He held his breath. Come on Sarah! Please! Don't deny us, not again!......She looked away. Turned her face away and studied the floor. Chuck's world broke again. He'd tried one last time, even though he'd promised himself that he wouldn't. That he wouldn't put himself out in the open again. He'd known what would happen, the pain that would come, but he'd tried anyways.
"You know what...forget it. I shouldn't have brought it up. I...I was wrong." He sighed. "Again." He whispered the last word. She heard him anyways. "Listen I'll be here tomorrow. I hope things go well with....Shaw".
Chuck turned and walked away as she watched. Her eyes following him up the stairs not looking away until the door closed behind him. She wanted to cry, but she held it in. She wouldn't show the turmoil that rolled through her. She wouldn't let Shaw or Casey see the weakness.
# # #
Chuck had considered canceling his late night meeting with Hannah in the Buymore entertainment lounge, but after what he'd done to her at the museum he couldn't bring himself to hurt her again.
Besides if Sarah was going to date Shaw, another surge of pain before he hardened himself, he deserved to try and find some happiness as well. It was with that thought in mind that he made his way through the dark Buymore and towards the door behind which he knew Hannah was waiting.
He walked into the room and saw her sitting there on the couch staring at the TV screen. She must have heard him close the door though since she turned her head to look at him and gave him such a genuine smile that he felt his spirits lift a bit. It had been such a long time since a woman had smiled like that at him. Sarah used to...and his good mood was gone. He couldn't understand why he kept doing this to himself.
He smiled back and decided that enough was enough. He wouldn't repeat the same mistakes he'd made after Jill broke up with him. Burying himself in work and video games. Not going out on dates or trying to meet someone new for five years. He had moved past that. He was better than that now. He didn't know how much, but he refused to believe that after everything he'd done that he had not grown at least enough to recognize when a beautiful woman wanted to be with him.
"Hi" He said as he nervously ran his hand threw his hair and cringed when he realized what he had just done. Great now he would have funny animal shapes in his hair for the rest of the night.
"Hi back." Hannah returned brightly with a smile. She patted the seat next to her and locked her eyes with his. "Why don't you take a seat. It's been a rough day."
Chuck couldn't help the short laugh that escaped his lips. She had no idea. He moved forward and lowered himself to the couch next to her.
"You have no idea." he replied, looking down at his hands.
Hannah noticed the tense set of his shoulders. The way his knuckles were a little white as he squeezed his hands together a little harder than normal. "What's wrong chuck?" She asked gently placing her hands on his clasped in his lap.
He smiled and gently unclenched his fingers so hers could loosely fall into place with his. "Nothing. Just....never mind." He gave her a grin.
"Uh uh. Don't say never mind. Something is really bothering you. I don't want to pry, but I want to be here for you Chuck. Let me." Her face was set, but supportive. He could tell that she was being sincere.
"Hannah I appreciate it, but I don't think you'd want to hear about it." Chuck tried to keep his voice flippant, but failed miserably.
"Let me be the judge of that Chuck." Was the only response he got.
"It's...It's about Sarah." He hesitated to say anything else, watching her for a response. He expected her to pull back and to yell at him again for bring up his ex. He was surprised when she just squared her shoulders and nodded for him to continue.
"I just had a talk with her and found out some stuff that really hurt. It turns out that the reasons she gave me for...not wanting to be with me weren't true. There were circumstances that she said made it a bad idea for us to be together romantically. I can't go into it since it's a private matter and it involves her personal life, it wouldn't be right to share it without her permission. She said that it would be better for us both if we just tried to stay friends. Well it turns out that her new boyfriend and I share somethings in common. The same circumstances that meant she couldn't be with me. Apparently she can overcome them for him though. I guess it was really just me that was bad. I'm the circumstance that she can't deal with." He took a couple of deep breaths to control his reactions. He waited for a response.
"Chuck I don't care what her problem is or what circumstances that may exist. I've only known you a few weeks, but I can already tell that your one of those truly good men that comes around once in a blue moon. No circumstances could ever be bad enough to ever dismiss all the good things about you. I'm sorry, but your ex must be blind." She hoped that she hadn't said the wrong thing, but she just couldn't imagine what could make someone not want to be with Chuck.
Chuck was speechless. Completely without speech. The only thing that he could seem to do was blink and smile. To hear someone say something like that about him. Ellie had said similar things, but she was his sister. Sarah had said things like that when he had doubted himself in the past, but their current situation had made him start to doubt whether she had been sincere or if she was just trying to make him feel better. To hear Hannah say it, she had nothing to gain from it. They had only known each other for a few weeks like she had said.
So instead of trying to say anything he leaned forward and kissed her softly. It was barely a touch. He pulled back an inch almost immediately to wait for her reaction. He didn't have to wait long. She reached up with her free hand and grabbed the back of his head and pulled his lips back to hers.
It started out soft and comforting, but didn't stay that way for long. Chuck could feel his passion igniting and it made him bold. He freed his hands and wrapped them around her waist pulling her onto his lap and allowed himself to sink into the cushions behind him.
It felt so good to feel someone in his arms again. That thrill as the kiss deepened turned into a battle of wills as they fought for position with their tongues. It was fierce, but fun. It wasn't true competition. It was give and take, each allowing the other the upper hand for a few moments before taking their turn.
She tasted like kiwi. The thought nearly froze Chuck for a second his mind wondering when she had eaten Kiwi. Where did she even get them at this time of night. His brain stopped working quickly as Hannah renewed her attack on his lips as if she had sensed that his mind was still functioning.
Chuck didn't know how much time had passed, but it could have been hours and he wouldn't have known the difference.
He was lost in the sensation when the first flash hit. Warm skin, blonde hair, the taste of raspberries. He knew what was happening, but he couldn't figure out why or how. The memory kept playing. The feel of her hands stroking his face. The sound of her gasps as they separated briefly to readjust. That kiss had washed away the memory of every one that gone before it.
The memory played itself out and another assaulted him. The feeling of her underneath him on the bed. The amazement he'd felt when he'd realized that she still tasted like fruit. No morning breath. The thought made him smile briefly, but it fell quickly as the passion grew. They attacked each other. Rolling around on the bed changing positions repeatedly. Chuck knew what was about to happen. Could feel her willingness. She wanted this as much as he did. It wasn't a cover. They had run away from the CIA and NSA. They were off the reservation. There was no point or need to maintain a cover. This was real.
Chuck whimpered as the memory started to fade. He tried to hang on to it. He didn't want to let it go, but no matter how hard he tried the memory continued to fade. Soon he found himself back in realty and realized that he was still kissing Hannah. He stiffened slightly and she felt it. She pulled away slowly and he could see how much she had been affected by the kiss. Her face was flushed and lips swollen. She gazed at him for a moment in a daze, but he could see when her mind focused.
"What is it?" She asked.
Chuck didn't know what to say. No that wasn't true. He knew what he wanted to say, but he didn't know how. He closed his eyes tight and tried to think of his words before he said the wrong thing. His eyes were still shut when he felt her hand on his arm. He opened them and looked at her. She was watching him with concern in her gaze. She was worried for him, not scared of what he would say.
She didn't deserve any kind of brush off or sugar coating. She deserved the truth from him. "Hannah, I'm sorry, but I can't." He sighed deeply and looked down at the hand on his arm. He softly took her hand and brought it to his lips kissing the knuckles softly. He released it and watched as she slowly pulled it back.
"Chuck what's wrong? I thought..." she trailed off uncertainly.
"Your incredible and beautiful. We have so much in common. I have so much fun with you." He stopped. Trying to gather the courage to continue.
"But..." Hannah continued for him.
"I can't be fair to you Hannah. I care about you, but I'm still in love with Sarah...my ex." He watched her look down when he used the word love. "I know it's over. I know she doesn't love me, but that doesn't make my feelings go away. I can't be with anyone until I can really be with them completely. I especially can't do that to you. You deserve so much more than that. You deserve to have a guy who can give everything to you. Hold you first. I can't do that right now. I don't know how long it'll take until I can and I won't use you like that." He looked down again unable to keep watching the pain on her face. "I'm so sorry."
A few moments passed before he felt her finger on his chin. He looked up and was surprised to see her smiling.
"Chuck you don't have to be sorry. I know you weren't playing with my emotions. I know you didn't mean to do this. I should be saying thank you for being so...so honorable. This is why you deserve to be happy. Most guys would just take what I've offered and used me to try and move on. Some might even mean to move on with me, but you don't want to use me. Thank you for that." She moved forward slowly and kissed him one more time. "I'm still your friend. If you need one."
Chuck smiled and nodded his head. He watched as she left the way he had arrived. He knew he should be happy that he'd done the right thing, but all he felt was more alone than ever.
# # #
*Click* The sound echoed through the apartment as the front door unlocked and slowly opened. Chuck paused for a moment as he noticed all the lights were off. That was a first.
It looks like Morgan finally started turning off the lights when he leaves the room. Chuck thought to himself.
He closed the door behind him and turned to the wall next to the door and flicked a light switch. Taking off his Buymore bag he started to hang it up on it's usual hook when he froze.
Chuck knew he wasn't a great spy like Bryce or a trained killer like Casey, but he had developed some skills. Chuck could tell he wasn't alone.
"Who's there?" He called. Nobody responded, although he didn't really expect them to. He braced himself for a fight and quickly spun around. His shoulders sagged in relief. "Awesome what the heck man?"
Devon was sitting on the couch just starring at him. Chuck was a little perturbed.
"Why have you been sitting in the dark?" Chuck asked him before smiling. "Did you and Ellie get in a fight?"
Devon sighed and nodded. "It was all my fault bro." He said. "She found those tickets you sent and got so excited, and I kind of over reacted."
"What do you mean?" Chuck asked.
"Dude I got all weird and started ranting about how we couldn't accept them because things like that always came with a hook. I told her we weren't going to use them." Devon went silent.
"Well man I'm sure if you just..." he trailed off when he saw the wide eyed look on Awesome's face.
"No man I told her we weren't gonna use them." his brother in law eyes were wide.
"Oh crap." That was all chuck could think to say. He quickly walked over and sat next to Devon. "Listen man the only thing you can do is go over there and plead temporary insanity. Tell her you freaked because you didn't think anyone would just give you tickets like that and acted without thinking. Tell her your sorry and beg for forgiveness."
"You think that will work?" Awesome asked hopefully.
"Bro she loves you. She'd forgive you anything..." Chuck trailed off and looked down for a second thinking about the night he had just had.
Devon jumped up with a look of excitement on his face. "Thanks bro, your awesome." Devon was getting ready to walk out the door when he noticed that Chuck hadn't replied and looked over at him again.
He could immediately tell that something was wrong. He shut the door and walked back to the couch. He knew he couldn't leave his bro looking so down. The guy was obviously hurting.
"What's going on man?" he asked chuck once he was sitting next to him again.
Chuck sighed and his shoulders dropped. He thought about just making something up. Maybe telling Devon that he'd had a bad day at work. Any other day he would have. Tonight though, something was different. He had this urge to talk to someone that knew about his alternate life. Devon was the only choice. He couldn't go to Casey. The NSA agent would probably tranq him so he wouldn't have to listen to him talk about his 'girly' feelings. Sarah was definitely out. That left Capt. Awesome.
So he told him. What Sarah had said. How it had made him feel. About the loneliness. He even told him about his meeting with Hannah and how that turned out.
"I mean what's wrong with me Devon?" Chuck asked in frustration as he ran his fingers through his hair violently. "I mean it's obvious Sarah doesn't feel that way about me anymore....if she ever did. Why can't I just be happy with Hannah? I mean she really likes me. She wanted to...you know....with me tonight, but I couldn't. Some man I am. Right? Absolutely beautiful woman wants me and I turn her down for a woman who doesn't want me." Chuck laughed at himself softly. "Something must be wrong with me."
Devon remained quiet for a second, before patting Chuck on the shoulder. "Bro listen. If there's one thing I've learned from loving your sister it's that love isn't rational. It doesn't care about what you should think or do. You love Sarah." He paused for a moment thinking about his next words carefully.
He turned in his seat to look at his brother in law. "I don't know what to say actually. I would usually say just to go with your heart, but you seem to have done that and I don't want to see you get hurt again."
"It's okay man." Chuck told him standing up. "I want to accept that I've been fooling myself. There's no way someone like Sarah could ever love a guy like me. I mean look at Bryce and Shaw. I don't even compare. I just have to accept it and do what she said. Keep it to myself. Stop making such a fool of myself." He took a deep breath as he turned to make his way to his bedroom. "Thanks Devon, but I'm just going to hit the hay. I'll talk to you later."
Devon watched as the computer geek turned spy disappeared down the hallway, before getting up to leave himself.
Neither of them knowing that a few miles away a woman was sitting in front of a surveillance monitor with tears streaming down her face as she watched the people on screen leave the room.
It was for the best she told herself. A small part of her wouldn't be silenced though.
If that was for the best, then why does it hurt so much? She didn't have any answer. All she could do was close her eyes as she wept.
# # #
The control room was dark. Quiet, save for the muffled sobs that periodically broke the silence. The source of the sobs was a woman sitting alone in front of a bank of video monitors.
Her head was bent over the keyboard in front of her. Her forehead resting on her hands as she tried to calm herself down. Regain the control that she usually prided herself in.
If Casey caught her like this she would never live it down. Even as she thought it she knew that it was not really true. She knew that despite his rough exterior, Casey was loyal to his friends. If he really felt one of them was hurting he wouldn't use it against them.
All the same she knew she had to dry her eyes before....The light suddenly came on around her. Taken by surprise Sarah spun her chair around to see the intruder staring at her from across the room. A look of sympathy his face.
"Shaw?" Sarah muttered quickly wiping her face. "What are you doing here?"
"Well I left some papers here, but I can see that It's a good thing I did." He responded.
"How long have you been there?" Sarah asked dreading the answer.
"Since before Chuck left the screen." His answer caused her to suck in a breath. He'd seen her near break down. Worse, he heard Chuck's talk with Devon. She cringed at the lecture she was sure she was going to receive. She was surprised when instead of ranting at her about inappropriate handler asset fraternization, he smirked and walked closer to sit on the edge of the table in front of her.
"I never told you how my wife and I met." He started. "It wasn't all that dissimilar from how you and chuck met." He paused to remember. "I was just a trainee. She was assigned to train me and observe me in the field. I'd never met a more beautiful woman in my life. I was gone the moment I saw her." He laughed quietly. "I made such a fool of myself those first few months. She was like you at first. Wouldn't even entertain the idea that we could be anything more than partners. Didn't matter what I said. She wouldn't listen." He trailed off. "It took a while, but she finally saw what we could be together."
Sarah sighed and got to her feet. She walked around Shaw and moved to the gun cage on the other side of the room. Her eyes scanning the weapons as she thought about what Shaw had said.
"Shaw things are different between Chuck and I. You and your wife were both agents, Relationships between agents are frowned upon, but allowed. It's not the same for a handler and their asset. It's not allowed. The consequences would be unacceptable."
"Your right Sarah. It is against the rules for a handler and their asset to be romantically involved, but your forgetting one very important thing." Shaw told her.
"What's that?" Sarah turned to look at him.
"Your not Chuck's Handler anymore. He's an agent. Your his partner."
Sarah opened her mouth to reply, but no words came out. She just stared at him for a moment before turning around and placing her hands on the table in front of her.
"Do you know why my wife changed her mind? Why she gave us a chance?" Shaw asked.
Sarah quietly shook her head.
"She got shot." Sarah turned her head quickly to look at him. "Right here." He pointed to his left shoulder just beneath the collar bone. "3 inches down and it would have been right through her heart." He stopped to look down as he pulled a chain out from underneath his shirt. Sarah could see a ring hanging from the end. "She told me that when she was lying there, thinking that she was going to die, she felt so much regret. That she had wasted so much time. Time that we could have been together. We shared our first kiss in the hospital room while she was recovering."
"I don't know what..." Sarah trailed off not knowing how to finish.
"Sarah just ask your self two simple questions. That's all it takes. If Chuck were to die tomorrow, could you live knowing that he died thinking that you don't love him? Or that you had a chance to know what it feels like to be loved by someone like Chuck and yet refused it?"
Shaw just watched as Sarah ran the questions through her mind, and for the first time was honest with herself.
Would I be able to handle that? She asked herself. She tried to imagine a world like the one Shaw described. A world without chuck. A world where she knew he died thinking she didn't love him. The pain such a thought provoked nearly dropped her. Oh my god...It's so simple....how could I have....Oh Chuck I'm so sorry.
Agent Shaw smiled again as he saw change In Sarah's eyes. He knew that she'd finally realized the truth.
"Shaw...I have to go....I'm sorry, but...." She didn't even wait for a response. She turned on her heel and started making her way towards the exit, barely keeping herself from running. She was almost to the door when a thought suddenly occurred to her. She stopped and turned back to look at Shaw. "I don't understand." She began. "With how things appeared to be going between us and what you said before...why would you help Chuck and I?"
Shaw held the ring on the chain up in front of him for her to see. "Because the moment I saw you down here and saw how it was affecting you, I knew SHE would never forgive me If I didn't help."
# # #
Chuck had been trying to sleep for over an hour, but his mind just wouldn't turn off. He'd tried everything to stop the constant stream of thoughts and memories whirling through his brain, but nothing he did seemed to work.
He closed his eyes and tried to clear his thoughts, but again it didn't work. He couldn't stop thinking about Sarah. He sighed in defeat. It was pointless. It was like the proverbial pink elephant in the room. The more he tried not to think about Sarah, the more she consumed his thoughts. He knew he was starting to obsess, but didn't know how to stop.
He thought about playing some Call of Duty on his Xbox, but quickly changed his mind. Virtual death wouldn't solve his problems. Besides, he didn't think he'd be able to take on a 2 year old in the mood he was in.
So laying in the dark seemed like the only option. Maybe if he just lay there with his eyes closed he would eventually fall asleep, or morning would finally show up. It was fine with him either way.
Why do I do this to myself? He wondered. First with Jill and now Sarah. Why do I punish myself this way.
His self loathing was interrupted by a series of knocks coming from his bedroom window.
What the hell? He wondered. Is Morgan trying to use the Morgan Door? Chuck nearly smacked himself on the forehead. His best friend wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. I bet he forgot he has a key?
Chuck pushed himself out of bed and stumbled his way across the room to the window. He fumbled for the latch and pulled it open wide.
"Morgan why are you..." He trailed off as he finally looked at the person on the other side of the frame. "Sarah?" The confusion in his voice was obvious.
"Hi Chuck." Chuck stared wide eyed at her for a moment as if he couldn't comprehend why she would be outside knocking on his bedroom window. "Can I come in?"
Her question seemed to knock him out of his daze. He looked at her for a second and then said something he thought he'd never say to her.
"I don't think it's a good idea right now Sarah." Chuck barely got the sentence out. Even after all she had put him through the idea of refusing her anything still seemed alien to him.
"Please Chuck, I really have to talk to you...It's important." He thought about saying no and closing the window, but one look at her face broke his resolve. She seemed so desperate. Her eyes wide and pleading, he could see a bit of fear hiding in them. This was nothing like the Sarah he had left back at the Castle.
"Alright. Come on." He finally said and moved aside so she could climb in. Shutting the window behind her, he beckoned her to wait a second while he turned on a desk lamp. He gestured to her to take a seat on the bed while he lowered himself into a chair next to the desk. "What's wrong Sarah?"
"Chuck I have to tell you something. It's not easy for me, so could you please do me a favor and let me finish before you ask any questions. If I stop part way through I may never finish." She paused to see his reaction and sighed in relief when she saw him nod.
"OK" Chuck said softly. This was completely foreign territory. Sarah never opened up about anything. It didn't matter what he was feeling before. He wouldn't be able to look at himself in the mirror tomorrow if he stopped her from doing so now.
"When I was growing up, my life wasn't what you would call normal. You know about my father the con man, and how he used to use me in his cons." She watched him nod. "What I've never told anyone was why I went along with it. In the beginning It was all about his approval. The only time he ever hugged me or told me he was proud of me was when I had helped him trick someone out of their money." She looked down at the ground for a second.
"My father lived by the philosophy that everyone was out for themselves. People only claimed to care about you if they wanted something from you. That's what he taught me. Showing that I cared was a weakness. Growing up like that, I was a perfect match for the CIA." She brought her hands up to move some hair out of her face.
"Living with my father, I eventually learned how to suppress my emotions, hide them so no one could use them to hurt me. It made me ideal for recruitment. The CIA and I were such a perfect match that I started reveling in my ability to not care about things. Nothing could affect me. No one could get close." she looked him in the eye for the first time since starting. "Not even Bryce."
Chuck almost said something right then. He wanted to ask what she meant, but he remembered her request just in time to stop himself. She must have seen the question in his eyes though, because she answered it anyways.
"Bryce and I were close on the surface, but I never really let him in. Almost. There were times that he made me want to let him in, but I never seemed to be able to. I guess I just didn't trust him enough. It hurt when he died, but it didn't destroy me." This was the part she was dreading, but she forged ahead anyway before she could second guess herself. "Not like losing you would."
Chuck was unable to hide his shock. "I...Wha...huh?"
Sarah immediately seemed to withdraw from him. Looking down at her hands in her lap. She reminded Chuck oddly of a turtle pulling itself back into it's shell for protection. Chuck didn't know where it came from, but he suddenly was gripped with a confidence he hadn't felt except when the intersect was feeding him kung fu moves. It didn't matter what happened next. It didn't matter if Sarah yelled at him or pushed him away. The woman he loved was sitting in front of him hurting and looking like she expected to be laughed at. He couldn't not do something.
Chuck quietly climbed to his feet and moved to sit down gently next to her, making sure to give her enough room so as not to spook her. He could see her tense for a moment before he watched her take a deep breath and turn to him. The look in her eyes almost made him pass out.
"Chuck when I first came here and met you I thought for sure this would be an easy assignment. That everything would be like it always had been, but I was wrong. Almost immediately you started chipping away at my walls. At first I didn't even realize it was happening. I didn't have any warning when suddenly one day I just realized that I cared about you." She moved a little closer to him. "And it wasn't just you. It was everybody. Ellie and Devon, even Morgan, they all made me feel so welcomed so wanted. They saw me as your girlfriend and made me feel like they really wanted me around. For me."
Chuck threw caution to the wind. "They did...They do Sarah. It doesn't matter what's going on with us. They all still care for you and want you around. Ellie's missed you at the apartment. She tells me all the time."
Sarah smiled briefly and Chuck was amazed that she didn't make any comments about it being unwise to have unnecessary contact with civilians.
"Realizing how much people cared about me made me realize that I was starting to care about them. It terrified me. The only examples of friends and family were my father and his cons. I kept trying to pull myself back in. Shield myself from all of you, but it seemed to be the more I fought it the more of my shield I lost." She reached out almost timidly and touched his hand on the bed between them. "Especially when it came to you." She whispered.
Chuck smiled at her when he heard her last statement.
"The more I pushed you away the tighter you held on and the more you seemed to pull me in. I eventually just gave in to it."
"Back when I lost the intersect." Chuck whispered. He knew what was coming next and it made him want to cringe. "Then I....I chose to be a spy....Instead of running away with you." His words were barely audible.
"In my mind it was proof that I was right before. That It was foolish to let anybody close. That trusting them not to hurt you was stupid. I shut down."
"Oh Sarah I'm so sorry. I never thought....Oh my god if I had known I would have...." He didn't get to finish.
"Chuck don't." She interrupted sharply and rushed to continue when he started to pull away. "No wait. I didn't mean to sound like I was angry. I just meant that you shouldn't blame yourself. You made the right choice. It was my issues that screwed everything up." Her voice had started to raise as she spoke.
"Sarah, I never meant to hurt you." Chuck tried to assure her.
"I know Chuck." Sarah paused for a second. "That's kind of why I came here tonight. I wanted to tell you I'm sorry."
"For what?" Chuck seemed confused.
"For how I've been treating you." She replied.
"Sarah you don't have to..." Again he was interrupted.
"Yes I do Chuck. Someone asked me a question tonight that finally made me see how wrong I've been." She took a breath. "They asked me If I'd be able to live with myself if you died tomorrow thinking I didn't love you. I realized that I wouldn't be able to." She held her breath as she waited to see what he would do, only to let it out when she felt him turn his hand that was under hers over and grasp her's gently.
"Sarah are you saying...?" He asked.
"I'm saying I love you Chuck." She squeezed his hand. "I'm just hoping I'm not too late. I'd understand if you and Hannah..." It was her turn to be interrupted.
Chuck had simply lost control of himself. There was no other explanation. He'd heard her asking if it was too late for them and the next thing he knew he was kissing her.
Sarah immediately brought her free hand up to his cheek and deepened the kiss. She sighed gently as she felt his tongue lightly trace her lips and opened her mouth to accept him. It wasn't long before they were each tasting the other. Tongues gently caressing and moving leisurely back and forth in an easy rhythm.
It seemed to go on forever until finally they both pulled back to breath. Chuck leaned forward resting his brow against hers not wanting to lose contact.
"Sarah It could never be too late for us. There is no Hannah and I. I told her that earlier tonight. I love you so much and I never stopped."
She smiled a smile filled with such joy that for a second Chuck wondered if he was actually dreaming. He had never seen her so happy before. To think that it was him making her feel that way made him want to laugh out loud in excitement.
Instead he drew her back in for another kiss that put the previous to shame. They continued to reacquaint themselves with each other for a few minutes before Chuck pulled back and removed his hand from her back where it had ended up under her shirt.
"Sarah as much as I would love to continue this and see where it leads, I think it would be best if we wait until at least tomorrow." He watched her for a response and was reassured by her smile. "We've both just really opened up and I for one am feeling really emotional. I want to make sure were both thinking clearly before our first time. I would never forgive myself If I messed this up by rushing things." He hoped she wouldn't be upset.
"Chuck as much as I want to argue with you, I know your right. We should take this slow." She leaned in slowly to kiss him gently, but pulled back quickly. "We should probably take things slow...but not too slow." She finished with a determined look in her eye. "I don't plan on waiting long." The look in her eye made Chuck feel like he had lost the ability to swallow.
"Alright." He responded with a smile once he had recovered enough of his faculties to be able to speak intelligently. "So where do we go from here?" He asked.
"Well If you two are done discussing your lady feelings, we have a mission briefing at castle you two might want to be present for."
Both Chuck and Sarah jumped at the sound of Casey's voice coming out of the speakers on Chuck's computer desk.
"Casey what the heck man!?" Chuck shouted back. "Can't we get some privacy?"
"Nope." Was the only response he got.
Normally Sarah would have been horrified that someone had witnessed something so personal, but the mood she was in refused to be dampened. All the same she couldn't let Casey get away unscathed.
"Alright Casey we're on our way." She stood up and pulled Chuck up with her. "Oh and Casey?"
"Yes Agent Walker?"
"Do you remember that overseas job I did in Sao Paulo five years ago. The leader of the cartel running drugs out of the Old Trade district?" She asked calmly.
"Uhhh yes?" Came the response.
"Do you remember what parts the leader was missing when he was eventually found?"
This time the answer was slightly delayed and the voice was slightly shaky. "Yes."
"Good. If I ever catch you spying on Chuck and I again....I'd be happy to give you a personal demonstration of my technique. Are we clear?" She waited for a reply.
"Yes mam."
"Good." She smiled at Chuck as she turned and started making her way towards the door.
Chuck followed after looking confused about what had just happened.
"Sarah what parts didn't they find?" Chuck asked nervously, not knowing if he really wanted an answer.
"Well Chuck he wasn't very polite to women, So I decided that If he didn't want to keep his parts to himself then I would help him with that desire." Sarah pulled a knife from seemingly no where. "He'll never have to worry about which side he dresses to again."
Chuck stopped as he watched the woman of his dreams finger the knife as she disappeared out the door. Damn am I glad I suggested we wait. He was still trying get the image out his head when he heard Sarah call to him from outside.
"Chuck are you coming?"
Chuck took off like a shot. "Coming!" He called back.
Scary kick ass or not she's still MY scary kick ass ninja. He thought with a smile
THE END
A/N: Thanks for reading this guys. I hope you all enjoyed it. Let me know what you think. Even if you hated it, every review helps. Unless your planning on flaming then I will ask you to please don't I really need constructive criticism. Thanks Again.