By StarWolf
10/17/2005
Title: The Vampire's Dilemma
Author: StarWolf (elendraug at yahoo dot com)
Fandom: Final Fantasy VII
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: stupidity, het, slash, language, violence
Pairing: VincentxYuffie, CidxVincent
Genre: Satire.
Disclaimer: Square-Enix's, not mine.
Distribution: No archiving, beetches.
Summary: Yuffie and Cid both have undying, agonizingly deep love for Vincent! How can he choose? Reading this summary means that you pledge your soul and firstborn to me. R&RPLZ
Author's Notes: For Devilish Kurumi. She asked for it...literally.
One day Vincent Valentine was sitting alone atop an impossibly tall mountain, brooding and angsting and generally being a depressed goth vampire. He leaned on his metal claw-arm, accidentally scratching his undead chin and dripping a tiny stream of sanguine life-force, even though he's undead. He stared out at the blackness of the night sky, its stars reminding him of the countless emotional pinpricks in the dark depths of his soul.
It was then that he was disturbed from his reverie by a perky, scantily-clad wannabe-ninja named Yuppie...I mean, Yuffie. She energetically bounced her way towards Vincent with all the elegance of a rabid gazelle with a heroin addiction. Grinning like a necrophiliac in a morgue, she waved at the vampire man and spoke all too cheerfully.
"Hiya, Vincey!"
The dark demon lifted his piercing crimson gaze to glare at the hyperactive skankho. Clearly, the girl must be insane...right? She didn't seem to realise it, though.
"What do you wish to partake from my neverending personal miasma of gloom and suffering?" he inquired, voice communicating the sorrow of a thousand ebony ravens being electrocuted on a faulty power line.
"We, like, TOTALLY need to go out sometime!" she giggled, hopping up and down on one foot and dangerously waving about a shuriken. "We're PERFECT for each other!1!" Her statement of pure teenage joy was punctuated with far too many exclamation points and the occasional numeral for classic comedic effect. "We're an oh tee pee!"
"A teepee? Or a tea pee?" Vincent didn't pee tea. It was undignified.
"No, silly, OTP! One True Pairing!"
...what the fucking fuck was she talking about?
"That's what I'd like to know!" shouted a pissed off Cid Highwind, who flew into the scene from nowhere, carried by the magical momentum of a mop. "Who's peeing tea? It's undignified! Where'd you even GET the tea?"
"I don't have tea!" insisted Yuffie. "I only have shiny, glittery, permahappy love for Vincent! Haven't you ever heard of the fabled, sacred 'Yuffietine'?" She clasped her hands (and the shuriken, which unfortunately missed any and all vital organs) together and brought them to her chest, eyes half-closed in a dreamy stupor. "It's the best word ever."
Cid snorted and lit three cigarettes at once. He took a drag on each before holding them in one thankfully-gloved hand. "You're out of your fucking mind, if it even exists."
Vincent would've watched in a faint mixture of horror and amusement if he had been capable of feeling emotions with his heart of darkness. Instead, he just watched as Cid ground the still-smouldering cigarettes into the exposed eyeballs of the ninja.
Yuffie screamed and screamed with the pain of all vanquished Mary Sues. The remaining pink puffball of her so-called 'soul' fwooshed back to Wutai, where she spent the rest of her miserable afterlife complaining about her sellout father and the fate of her sucky town.
Vincent and Cid, who were both extremely grateful for and elated with each other's company, immediately had passionate and erotic buttsex, RIGHT THERE ON THE SNOW-COVERED MOUNTAIN. The vampire and pilot both regained the ability to feel TROO LUV, and did so. Multiple times. ...every hour.
Then they both collapsed from exhaustion and froze to death. The Turks found their bodies two years later while searching for the remains of a crazy alien lady from outer space. Their corpses were donated to Hojo, who did all sorts of nasty things to them and eventually brought them back to a semi-life as children's toys.
THE END!