Title: My Happiness
Author: Asuka-san
Rating: PG13
Author's Note: Wow. I wrote me another HP fic. : ) And it actually features a pairing I like! Whooh me! It was inspired by the song "My Happiness", by Powderfinger – hence the incredibly original title (I really, truly suck at titles, y'know). It's a Remus/Sirius thing, from Remus' POV. It's set after GoB, and Sirius has become an auror, or does some other very important thing to aid in the struggle against Voldemort.
BTW, here's the warning: this is SLASH. Slash as in two men, in love, and kissing, etc. Please don't flame me just because of that fact. I received some that I found particularly hurtful for my last HP slashfic, which also happened to be my first, and I really don't feel I'd like any more. I would, however, appreciate helpful comments telling me whether or not you liked it, and why. Please? Thanks, and I hope you like it. : )
Disclaimer: Harry Potter doesn't belong to me; it belongs to a lady by the name of Jo Rowling. I'm only using the characters to express my love for her creation, and most definitely mean no harm by it. "My Happiness" belongs to me neither, but to Powderfinger. : )
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I see your shadow on the street now
I hear you push through the rusty gate
Click of your heels on the concrete
Waiting for a knock coming way too late
It seems an age since I've seen you
Countdown as the weeks trickle into days
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Snow falls softly against the windows. The chill seeps into the house, despite the fire in the grate. It's only to be expected – this house is so old, and it's really nothing more than a cottage. But - it's ours...
And it doesn't matter that the floorboards are rickety, that the roof is thatched and sagging, or that it's freezing, when you're here.
When you're here...
I miss you so much, Sirius.
I know how important it is. I know that Dumbledore needs you, and I know how important what you do is to the fight against You-Know-Who.
I sigh softly. And I know that I can't go with you. It's too dangerous because of what I am.
I can't help but wish... We lost so many years together, you and I, and now, just when we've finally gotten it all back, you're being taken away from me again. It's different this time, I still get to see you, and I'm really just being selfish, but I hate it.
I get up and stir the coals in the fire, and I can't help but glance hopefully at the window as I return to my seat in the armchair that smells like you.
And my heart jumps painfully against my chest as I see you. You're right at the end of the street, and you're almost completely covered in shadows, but that silhouetted figure is unmistakeably you. Sirius.
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So you come in and put your bags down
I know there's something in the air
How can I do this to you right now
If you're over there when I need you here
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The second you walk through the door, I fling myself at you. You hold me tight and I nuzzle my head into your chest. I missed you...
You kiss the top of my head, and murmur against my hair. "Love you, Remus."
I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes. "I love you, too, Sirius... I missed you so much."
You pull away from me a bit and smile, and you lean over and kiss both of my cheeks, and then take my mouth, softly and gently.
As you explore my lips, and we reacquaint ourselves with each other's tastes, I can feel some of the ice that's frozen around my heart while you've been gone slip away.
We separate, and I lead you over to your chair, then arrange myself on your lap and lay my head against your shoulder. I can hear your breathing, and it's so comforting, Sirius.
I exhale heavily against your chest, and ask you a question: "How long until you have to go back?"
It's a few moments before you respond. I know I'm not going to like this; I can feel it, your unwillingness to answer me.
"Tomorrow morning... I'm sorry, Remus, love."
***********************
My happiness is slowly creeping back
Now you're at home
If it ever starts sinking in
It must be when you pack up and go
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I lie in your arms, in our bed, and listen to your breathing again. My heart feels lighter than it has in weeks with you next to me – so long as I don't look out the window and see the sky lightening.
The snow has stopped, and it's almost dawn. You'll be going soon, and just as I have you back, just as we can be happy together again, you'll be leaving me to fight, to protect us all, while the only thing I can do is sit here and worry.
I have my own work to do, yes, and my own role to play, but it's nothing compared to everything you risk, every minute of the day.
And I could lose you, Sirius; this could be the last time you lift me from lonely despair and let me feel joy.
I stare down at your features as you sleep. You're so beautiful. I stroke your face, tracing the tired looking lines around your eyes. I wish you didn't have anything to help you form those, love. You stir against me and smile sleepily, pulling me down for a kiss.
"I love you, Remus," you whisper, and my heart fills with happiness. At least I have you right now...
"Love you, too," I murmur back, and then I press my lips against yours and lose myself in you. I think of nothing but your touch, and your taste, and the feel of your skin against mine, as we make love in our tiny bedroom with its thin walls and worn floor.
Hours later, you're gone, and I stand at the door, staring out at the softly falling snow flakes and feeling the chill seep back into my spirit.
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It seems an age since I've seen you
Countdown as the weeks trickle into days
I hope that time hasn't changed you
All I really want is for you to stay
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These weeks have felt like forever, Sirius. I almost can't bear this without you...
But I have to. So I sit here alone, in the chair that smells like you, gripping the message one of the Hogwarts owls have delivered, and I wait.
I run my fingers over your messy words, as if I can make the hands that wrote them closer, and I read it again:
I'll be home soon. Don't worry about me. I love you.
Sirius.
I watch the window and picture your face. I wonder if it's acquired any new wrinkles. I wonder if your soul has.
Oh, Sirius... You're so brave. And I'm so lonely while you're gone.
I need you so much, love. I want you here at home more than anything; it's all I want.
Exhaling, my breath frosty in the air, I clutch the piece of parchment to my chest, almost as though I'm trying to imprint your words onto my heart, along with all of the other memories I have of you.
Do you know how much I need you, Sirius? I do. I know how much I need you, want you, love you. I know how much I miss you.
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I know I know I know what is inside
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Asuka, 28 December 2000.