It was an ordinary day in the Bakusquad Hero Office (that wasn't the actual name, but all the heroes in said office except for Bakugou called it that anyway when the public wasn't listening). At least, it had been until Bakugou walked in looking his usual Morning Disgruntled (as opposed to his Afternoon Annoyed or his Neutral Frowny Disinterest) and a brace around his left wrist. Immediately everyone became curious, because Bakugou hardly ever got any injuries that would require more than a bandaid and the few times he did usually meant extended hospital stays.
"Whoa, Bakugou, you okay?" Kirishima asked, standing from his desk. "What happened?"
"Fucking nothing, I'm fine," Bakugou grunted as he passed them all, headed for his office. He was the only one of their group to have his own office room, having won the honour in an arm wrestling tournament when they first moved into the space, just barely beating out Kirishima. The rest of them all had their desks gathered in the centre of the main room, something they found to be a blessing for socialization and a curse against focus.
"Yeah Kiri, leave him be," Kaminari said, leaning in his desk as he watched Bakugou step into the office. "If he says he's fine then he's fine…"
The others exchanged looks with each other, not at all convinced by Kaminari's attempt to not arouse Bakugou's suspicion, but shrugged it off when Bakugou paid them no mind, kicking the door halfway shut. Once satisfied that Bakugou was going to be distracted, Kaminari turned back around, gesturing for everyone to move in closer.
"So I know our man Bakugou isn't normally very forthcoming with this kind of stuff, but the fact he doesn't look any more annoyed than usual and isn't bragging or complaining about his latest arrest could only mean one thing," he whispered once his friends and colleagues were huddled in.
"He's...secretly doing some vigilante work?" Kirishima suggested, unsure.
"No, of course not, it means he probably hurt himself doing something stupid or embarrassing, but he's trying to act like normal so we don't get suspicious! Like, I dunno, maybe he hurt himself smiling like a normal person or something."
"How the heck would he hurt his wrist of all things by smiling?" Ashido asked incredulously.
"I don't know, Bakugou would find a way!"
"Maybe he just took up a new sport or something?" Jirou - who wasn't part of their crew ordinarily, having her own hero office, but she was collaborating with Sero on a case that week - piped in.
"Like what? Last I heard, there hasn't been anything called Murderball invented yet, and you really think he wouldn't brag about a hard-won injury in something like that?" Sero countered.
Jirou shrugged. "Just a suggestion."
"Oi, dipshits." They all turned to see Bakugou standing just outside his office, glaring at them. Evidently they hadn't heard the door creak open in their distraction. "I'm not fucking deaf, I can hear you just fine in my office."
Kirishima was the only one who at all looked sheepish at being called out for gossipping; Sero, Jirou, Kaminari, and Ashido meanwhile all mimed varying degrees of innocence.
Rolling his eyes, Bakugou stepped closer, holding up his wrist. "Before you start getting some other dumbass ideas, an asshole plowed into me while I was walking home yesterday and I sprained my wrist when I fell over. Wasn't an emergency and it's been a stupidly slow week with work so I couldn't get an appointment to have it healed until the day after tomorrow. Fucking simple as that," he explained, storming over to the coffee maker and pouring himself a cup. "Didn't think it was relevant to anything you idiots were supposed to be doing, so I wasn't assed to explain." Coffee poured, he turned back to the group, glaring. "Get your asses in gear. Since I can't use my quirk with my left hand for the next 48 hours unless I want to make the sprain worse, you fuckers gotta pick up the slack, and anyone who's sticking around to do paperwork will have me getting on their case to get it done."
Disappointed with the lack of juicy details and properly cowed, the crowd dispersed, Kirishima and Ashido heading out on patrol while Jirou and Sero took to the break room to discuss their case in private. Kaminari pouted, turning in his chair to start work on some paperwork he was behind on.
"Hey Drooly."
He looked up to see Bakugou standing beside his desk, expression carefully schooled to be unreadable. Idly Kaminari thought Bakugou's "blank face" looked a lot like Todoroki's default expression and had to wonder if that was on purpose. "Uh, yeah man?"
Bakugou did a quick glance from side to side, making sure the others were either gone or not listening before he leaned in closer. "Wanna how how I actually sprained my wrist?"
"Yes," Kaminari answered immediately, eyes going wide in curious glee. Bakugou was confiding in him? Really? He knew they were good friends, but Bakugou generally chose Kirishima over him to tell secrets. This one must have been something big if he didn't want to tell his best friend.
Bakugou paused a moment, then spoke quietly and seriously. "I was hula hooping."
Well, of all the things Kaminari was expecting, that hadn't been one of them, but boy howdy was it so much better than whatever his imagination could come up with. It couldn't be real, Bakugou had to be pulling his leg. The disbelief must have showed on his face, because Bakugou pulled out his phone and tapped a couple times before showing it to Kaminari, revealing a picture slideshow of Bakugou indeed hula hooping. Kaminari couldn't believe his eyes.
"My old hag convinced me to try a class out with her since Dad was busy, and it was actually surprisingly fun and relaxing," Bakugou continued, swiping through the various pictures, likely taken by his mother. "I mastered all the tricks, because I don't halfass anything. The pizza toss, the scorpion, you name it."
This was too good to be true. Kaminari could feel himself practically vibrating in his seat at the sheer amazingness of this information. Oh, wait until the others heard this...Awestruck and so excited, he turned to Bakugou with wide eyes. "Why are you telling me this?" he whispered. Had he finally reached the same friendship level Kirishima was at? Was he beyond it?
Bakugou looked him dead in the eye. "Because no one will ever believe you." And with those ominous words, he clicked delete on the photo album, destroying the evidence.
Kaminari's face melted into absolute horror, a strangled sound coming out of his throat; Bakugou grinned deviously. "Nonono!" Kaminari wailed, reaching for the phone to try and reverse the deletion, but Bakugou cackled and moved out of the way. "Ugh! No matter, I can recover it, I'm sure it's in a cloud somewhere!" Being the resident IT had to be good for something besides giving the shitty printer they'd gotten third-hand a little jolt to make it behave or performing percussive maintenance on the stubborn router.
"Nice try, but I already accounted for that. Those were the only copies that will ever see human eyes ever again," Bakugou jeered. "Have fun!"
"You sadistic asshole!" Kaminari cried after him, dropping his head to his desk when Bakugou merely cackled harder and disappeared into his office, door properly closing this time. He wanted to sob.
Jirou and Sero poked their heads out of the break room curiously. "What just happened?" Jirou asked, voice confused and suspicious. Few good things happened when Bakugou cackled, she had a right to be wary.
Kaminari did sob, because Bakugou was right; he could explain all he wanted, but without evidence to back up his story, their friends would all think he was just making it up. Bakugou hula hooping, and enjoying it at that? You'd have be on some wacky substance to come up with that one. He regretted explaining to Bakugou how hackers and criminals cover their digital footprints and expunge incriminating information. His only other option was begging Mitsuki, and, well, Bakugou got his twisted sense of humour from somewhere. More than likely if he asked, she'd either withhold the evidence or deny it all together just to see him squirm more, especially if her son discussed his plans beforehand.
The next two days involved Bakugou casually dropping the word "hoop" in random conversations whenever Kaminari was in earshot (and twice managing to sneak "hula" in without raising any eyebrows) and relishing in his friend's slow descent into madness. When Bakugou finally sauntered into work brace-less, Kaminari knew that he looked far too happy and excited than what was deemed normal, but he found he didn't care.
A/N: Inspired by Brooklyn Nine-Nine because I love that show, and that cold open is definitely one of the best. Wrote most of this two days ago at 4am and figured it was funny enough to post.
This takes place in the future when the Bakusquad have their own hero office together. This is irrelevant to the story, but my headcanon is that the agency is named after Bakugou at his insistence, but they're all his partners rather than his sidekicks. He throws a fit every time someone calls them his sidekicks because he doesn't need underlings, they're all people who stand on equal ground with him. They all point out that maybe if they changed the name to something more general people would stop assuming but nope, Bakugou's too stubborn.
I'm pretty sure Bakugou is a sadistic troll when he's bored or properly motivated. Poor Kaminari. If you're wondering why he picked Kaminari, it was entirely because he was behind on his paperwork and was the least likely person to be able to convince his mother to send copies.