My childhood in gimmelstump

By Heinz doofenshmirtz

I was born in Gimmelstump Druselstien. Both my parents neglected to show up on the day of my birth. I was soon disowned and raised by ocelots when my parents took me back in our lawn gnome was repossessed so I had to stand for hours in the front lawn posing as one.

Both my parents neglected me. My father won a prized spitzenhound in a game of poke the goozem with a stick. He named it only son. Meanwhlie my mother had fallen in love with my goody-two-shoes brother roger since he was better at kick ball than I was. He would eventually become MAYOR of Danville! Oh how I want to smother him in a ton of pigeon goo!

I entered the science fair as a child with an invention I called "The Inator" (look I wasn't good with names back then okay?) but lost to a baking soda volcano. Next year I built "the even bigger inator" which still lost to a baking soda volcano. I tried poetry as a teenager, but still lost to a baking soda volcano. Then I tried painting, and of course I had to show my brother roger who subsequently spilled food on my art.

I once dated lindana before she was famous. SHE'S the one who suggested I try to conquer the tri-state area. Unfortunately that date… didn't go so well.

Then I met a woman named Elisabeth who dumped me for a whale. When I was a teenager I lost my girlfriend to Huge Hands Hans, a shadow puppeteer with big hands. I eventually DID get married to a woman named Charlene but then we got divorced.

I have a daughter named Vanessa. I try to throw her wonderful birthday parties, but she always hates them. You see, when I was a child no one remembered my birthday, so I had to throw my own surprise parties at gunther goat cheese's. those were very lonely times.

Fortunately Christmas was neither bad nor good when I was a child. I only started to hate Christmas when a group of carolers barged into my house and in song demanded a food dish no one's prepared since the 16th century! (Fortunately I DID have figgy pudding but that's another story…)

One day I got a balloon at a carnival and drew a face on him. He was my best friend until he floated away. Now he's friends with some JERK named Mitch who renamed him Colin! Luckily I still have my nemesis, Perry the Platypus.

And that is my emotionally scarring backstory.

Sincerely,

Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz