Note: Hello hello hello! I'm back! I don't know how long it will be before I update... at least a few days, because I'm gone... but you should still read this and review it or you'll never ever hear the end. And, hey, you could always put me on your alerts list... that would be cool...

PREGAME

"Welcome again to the 2760 Arda Cup Quarterfinals! I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"

"-and I'm Athonin Merrypus-"

"-and we're here at ME Wireless Emyn Muil Stadium for the third quarterfinal match of this the 1,463rd Arda Cup to see who will proceed to the Semifinals against-"

"Fifty-third."

"Huh?"

"This is the 1,453rd Arda Cup. You said 63rd."

"Uh, okay... Um, today we'll see who will proceed to the Semifinals against Rohan, who won in the first quarterfinal against the Moria team, disappointing dwarves everywhere and leading to the vandalism of several Rohirric horses. Among the victims was popular Rohan bard Bronwyn the Blonde, who exited an inn where she had been celebrating with fellow fans to find her stallion painted in dwarvish runes translating to some things they won't allow me to say on the air."

"This is only one of many football-provoked incidents throughout Middle Earth this week - following the Mordor-Mirkwood match yesterday, bands of vengeful orcs went marauding throughout lands known to be friendly to the elves, lands known to be neutral to the elves, lands known to be friendly to lands known to be harbouring elves, and... well, pretty much everywhere."

"In the Black Lands a pro-Mordor mob ransacked an Ephel Duath pub where Morgul natives were said to be gloating over their neighbouring orcs' loss. The retaliation resulted in the deaths of all parties involved and the fiery explosion of the pub and two nearby barracks. This incident was mirrored in dozens of places across Mordor and the surrounding area, with scattered incidents among the goblins of the Misty Mountains. Many hundred slaves were also killed by orcs in blind retribution."

"Don't forget Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuschia Accents, the match's ref, who was slain by Mordor forward Groshmok after Groshmok was red-carded..."

"Rondafunk is currently at Isengard with his fellow Maiar undergoing a procedure to restore him to life. The wizards are considering a departure from the traditional white for Rondafunk's post-resurrection color scheme. Possibilities under review include royal purple, burnt siena, and black."

"Today's ref, however, will be Figglenob the Puce, an avid football fan and frequent official at Cup matches."

"And today's competitors will be the Shire and the Ered Mithuin teams. The Shire is a surprise coming into this match, isn't that right, Ath?"

"It is indeed. A halfling soccer team has not qualified for the Arda Cup since... well, since... uh... a really long time ago."

"Actually, the last time the hobbits were in the Cup was only about a hundred years ago, when the beastly Isengrim Took led his team to the Quarterfinals, where they were promptly massacred by Mordor. And I do mean that literally - only Isengrim and one other player escaped alive."

"Speaking of beastly hobbits, this year's team captain is the grandson of Isengrim, Bandobras 'Bullroarer' Took, and never has a football-playng halfling brought so much press coverage. Bullroarer has a rabid following back in the Shire, and tweens all across this Middle Earth have been turning out in the screaming thousands to see him play. Today is no exception - I can hear them shrieking and waving their garish placards from here, and, Ulmo, I wish I couldn't. What a terrible racket."

"However impressive the hobbit captain is, however, he'll have to pull something really sly out of his ear today, because with the sizzling defeat of Breeland last Tuesday the halflings are looking at a match against the Grey Mountains - and you know what that means, don't you?"

"Enlighten me, Bret. Wait - could it be your favorite word? 'Massacre'? 'Bloodbath'? Or possibly 'Utterly unfair'?"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Merrypus. Though I do want to point out that half of the men of Bree are in hospital at the moment with second- and third-degree burns, along with a good deal of spectators who were caught in the cross-fire, so to speak."

"Then what were you going to say?"

"I was going to say 'Roasted hobbit'. Now how about some football?"