Bruised, Broken, Torn
Full Summary: For the first time in his entire existence, Angel is content. With a son to dote on and a budding romance with Cordelia, he is thriving. On the opposite side of the tracks, Buffy is barely making it by in her "battle" with life and Spike who continues to haunt her. After Buffy uncovers a nest of demons, unfinished business—and avoidance—beckons to her as she ends up tracking one of them to L.A. Buffy enlists Angel and his gang for help ... only to find her old flame with a miracle boy and halfway to forgetting her.
Main Pairings: B/A major (ANGST!warning), but with a good, realistic dose of Cangel and Spuffy that sort of mesh together into a first-parter A/C/B love triangle and second-parter B/S/A. If you're a Bangel fan that can't handle some C/A or Spuffy, I suggest you don't read. No pairing complaints. :/
Timeline: Directly after BtVS's "Dead Things". Atvs-wise, right before to during "Waiting in the Wings" but pretty much veers off completely from there.
Disclaimer: I take no credit for Buffyverse or it's characters. They will always belong to Joss. For we all know if could own anything, this fic would've been a crossover spanning at least a few episodes.
A/N: This idea came to me as it being one of the many missed opportunities on the show centering on all these relationships. Being a Bangel fan means loving drama and angst so naturally this 'what-if' was too good to pass up lol. I don't ship Cangel or S6 Spuffy, but I'm a canon-compliant writer first and Bangel shipper second so I always respect what's there. This fic is somewhat inspired by the Buffy episode "As You Were" but better because it's Bangel instead of Briley and just more Bangel-y. :P
Always open to constructive criticism/OCCness thoughts!
What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You
~~Angel~~
Angel stared down at the small little shape in the crib, his gaze soft with paternal love. Connor slept soundly, chest rising and falling, his round face relaxed and just looking so peaceful and innocent and ... human. Alive. His son.
Sometimes he still couldn't believe it. A dead thing like him, creating a living thing. Good things like this—miracles—didn't happen. Not to him. Sometimes ... times like now ... he would just stand over and watch him sleep for hours, just to make he's there. That he's real. Breathing, alive, human. A living thing he can raise and make sure he'd have the best future possible. How some higher power could think he deserved this gift Angel would never know.
Angel smiled softly. The feelings this tiny vulnerable creature stirred was so new and different and completely overwhelming. He thought he knew love ... and then came Connor. It was nothing like the burning, fiery, passionate sensation he had felt for Buffy, like every nerve was electrified and he was on fire just from being around her. It wasn't perfect happiness somehow either. It was something different, something he couldn't name. Softer, tamer ...
The vampire's thoughts went to his friends and a warm feeling washed over him. He couldn't have done anything without them. It took him a while to fully adjust to Los Angeles and have a new start, but the moment Connor was born he thought he finally got there. He found a place where he belonged. His friends were his family, just like Connor. They had all done so much to help him get to his point ... especially Cordelia.
A even warmer feeling ignited in Angel. Cordelia had really stepped up lately, giving him advice and helping in this strange new territory of fatherhood while still "helping the helpless". She was great with Connor. Out of everyone else, he had never expected that. She changed and matured so much. All she seemed to do was surprise him lately ... and he wondered if maybe she could surprise him more. Lately when he thought of Cordy there was a knot in his gut that was vaguely familiar yet different at the same time.
He wasn't ready to address that yet though.
With one last loving look at Connor, Angel left him to sleep in his crib.
The vampire walked the halls of the Hyperion. He saw Wesley standing at the reception desk, engrossed with a scroll and peering at the words through a magnifying glass. He hummed distractedly in tune to Cordelia who was trying to snag his attention.
" ... I'm just saying you should make a move already. Get away from the books and the weird, old time-y languages and enter the realm of actually being in a realm." Cordelia was saying. Her wide hazel eyes fixed on him meaningfully. "Fred's here. Fred's single. And so not with the waiting!"
Wesley didn't look up from his work. "I'm not looking to be rash ... Fred's had to deal with rather a lot lately, reaccliminating to regular society."
"Well, she's going out and doing stuff now. Less on the weird, crazy speak. And I don't feel like I'm watching an all-day, every day, pay-per-view of Beautiful Mind every time I stop by her room so I vote go." Cordelia answered bluntly, shrugging.
Before Wesley could answer, the doors of the Hyperion opened. Gunn entered, a battle axe slung over his shoulder. He was covered in slime and looked a bit battered, but had a glint in his eye. "Found a Creplar demon. And ..." He whistled. "Man, that was tight! Just the fight I needed to let loose."
"Wow! Are you badly hurt?" Angel looked to see Fred had emerged from her room, on the top floor with a worried frown.
Gunn grinned and shook his head. "Hurt it more than it hurt me." He cleaned the blood off the battle axe and put it back with the other weapons.
Fred stared at him, admiration blooming in her eyes.
Angel just watched silently with a smile. Cordelia was the first to notice to the souled vampire's silent entrance. "Angel!" The seer brightened and rushed over to him. "Does Connor need anything?" She asked instantly.
He smiled more softly. "He's sleeping." The dark-haired vampire paused, overlooking with his friends with appreciate look. " ... We should go out, all of us together. I'll get Lorne to watch over Connor. We'll do something fun." Angel wanted to show how grateful he was for everything they were doing for him.
Cordy looked pleasantly surprised. "Wow. I mean, he looks like Angel, but ..." The seer teased, moving closer to him.
"I think it's more than due." Angel said in amusement. His gaze lingered on her despite himself.
"What are we gonna be doing?" Fred asked with a wide smile, excited.
"Yo!" Gunn said suddenly, pointing at him. "Mahta Hari. In Los Angeles. In a few days. Best damn band. You're gonna love it." The hunter suggested enthusiastically, grabbing the vampire's shoulder.
Wesley grimaced. "I believe that is heavy metal?" He said blandly.
"Hey. Don't knock it till you try it, English." Gunn replied defensively. He turned back to Angel. "Don't even worry about it, man. I'll pay you back for the tickets. It's gonna be off the hook!"
I thought this was my idea? Angel thought with a bit of frown. He wasn't quite sure how the conversation got to this point.
Before he could say anything (or even figure out if he wanted to go to a concert), Fred jumped forward. "Sure! I could be alright with a concert." She spared a shy look at Gunn.
Cordy raised her eyebrows. "To see these two awash in a sea of booming confusion?" She tilted her head to Angel and Wesley. "I'd pay."
The souled vampire's brow furrowed. He didn't confirm or deny it. Before he knew it Gunn was already explaining where the ticket place was. At that point he just went with it. Not like he was good at these things or even knew what else had tickets available...
Wesley, as English as ever, didn't show any protest to the concert past the pursing of his lips. The ex-watcher gathered up his notes and scroll. He spared a brief glance at Gunn and Fred, walking together as Gunn went over his fight with the Creplar. An uninterpretable look was on his face, but he quickly rose with his things and left to work in his study. It was just him and Cordelia.
The seer noticed the small moment. "Now what did I say? Girls don't just sit around waiting. The guy's gotta make a move." She stated with conviction. She sighed and turned to him, frowning. "I mean, what is so wrong with a little 'rashness', y'know?" He said conversationally.
Sudden discomfort rippled through Angel. He really couldn't tell if there was a double-meaning in that comment. "Right ..." A pang hit him at his own answer. So much hidden and left unsaid behind that word.
There was an uncomfortable moment. True to her nature, Cordy was the one to break the silence. "So ... are you going to do it?" She asked suddenly.
Angel startled. "What?"
"The concert, duh." Cordelia frowned at him, giving a look that said 'What else?' "I mean, not with the screamy, ear-bleeding crowd, but ... something different, I guess? Well for you, anyway. Breaks the mind-numbing monotony of your broody shell and that 'Change scares me' crap."
The souled vampire couldn't even tell if he was relieved or disappointed it wasn't that talk before he realized what she just said. "Wait. T-t-that's not ... did you just call me boring?" He couldn't help but say, frowning in hurt.
Cordy rolled her eyes. "Are we going or not?"
Letting her remark go with difficulty, he thought about it. " ... I'll get tickets." He said simply.
"Yay for non-weirdness." Cordelia gave another roll of her eyes, though she had a bit of a smile on her face. She paused, gaze softening. "Y'know ... these past few weeks ... watching you with Connor has been ... amazing. You've been ... different." She gave a disbelieving snort. "I mean actually ... happy." There was a note of wonder in her voice. "Just as long it's not perfect happiness ... I think I like this new Angel." She added with more meaning, but her eyes were sincere.
In that moment, under Cordelia's warm look and a truth he hardly believed himself, something finally clicked. No, this wasn't perfect happiness. Even though he loved his son already more than he ever loved anything, that's not what Connor brought. This was contentment. For the first time in over two hundred years he was simply content. At war with nothing, consumed by nothing.
It was more peace than perfect happiness ever was.
Angel glanced around the Hyperion. He drank everything in. His friends, Connor, what they were doing. He smiled. "For the first time ... everything's going right."
~~Buffy~~
Buffy's breath whooshed out as her back hit the cold hard dirt, her head smacking against a tree trunk hard enough to see stars. Yellow eyes and baring fangs loomed above her. The blonde slayer grunted angrily and kicked the vampire right in the stomach, rolling away and leaping to her feet with an incoming fist.
The vampire caught her hand. Dark amusement glimmered in his eyes. "What's wrong, Slayer? You don't seem so quick as you used to be." He taunted.
Annoyed (and perhaps striking a nerve she didn't want to acknowledge), the slayer gave him two hard punches in the face. Another kick was added and he stumbled over. Blowing hair out of her face, Buffy raised her fist. "I think I still go it, wouldn't you say?" She asked, giving an innocent look.
With a growl, the vampire charged. There was a flurry of punches and kicks and the slayer gained the upper-hand, unbalancing him with a roundhouse kick. He went reeling and the blonde gripped him, tossing him over on top of a coffin. The blonde was on him a second, straddling him as she rammed her stake through the heart. His eyes widened. Buffy smiled smugly as dust blew in her face.
"Say hello to that dustpan in the sky for me." She deadpanned, jumping down.
"I believe the term is below, luv."
Buffy stiffened. Slowly she turned and saw Spike skulking out of the shadows.
He gave her a meaningful look. "Need a lot better wordplay than that, Slayer."
Any snarky comeback died immediately on her tongue as she was drawn to his weaker than usual smirk and then the dark rim of bruising around one eye. Suddenly she was pulled back into her brutal beating of him in that alley. She fought to keep her expression impassive, burned by guilt despite herself.
"Good to see though. Y'know, doing the thing. Patrolling." The bleached blonde began conversationally, approaching. "Not locked away in a cell somewhere for the rest of your very young life ..." He added pointedly, giving her a look.
A pang hit Buffy. She hadn't been the one after all to kill Warren's ex-girlfriend ... but she could've been. "... How are you?" She kept her face emotionless.
Spike looked surprised. "Hmm, this? Healing up. Hardly notice it, even." He shrugged. "Not like I'm not already on the day-to-day receiving end of all your little releases, Slayer."
Shame twisted in Buffy, along with the ever-present disgust with herself. At same time there was that instinctive urge to ... no. No, not now. She nodded. "Good. Now go away." She managed to muster up a stern glare, walking past him.
"Oughta show some compassion, luv. I walked all the way out here with a bloody limp trying to find you." Spike said with no real bite, following.
In no mood for banter, Buffy ignored him and went to pick up the Doublemeat Palace food bag she had tucked away when the vampire showed up. It was for Dawn. "Not tonight, Spike." Just think of Dawn.
"Can't I just wanna bloody talk?"
The slayer snorted at the thought. She gave a disbelieving look. "You never just wanna 'talk', Spike. You're not 'just' anything. Literally everything you do just has something else behind it." Buffy declared, unimpressed.
Spike frowned at that. He shrugged. "Well, you got me there." He said nonchalantly. He tilted his head at her, a wicked grin on his face. "Not complaining about it though, are you?" He was prowling toward her now, lacking his usual grace but still with every bit of promise.
Buffy felt herself freeze, caught in the heat of his stare. She put on a brave face. " ... Yes, I am. Hence the complaint?" She said.
Chuckling softly, he shook his head. "You're a liar, Slayer. Front all that good girl and straight-lace talk all you like, but I know you. Deep down ... what you are ..." Spike ran a hand through her hair to the side of her face. It took everything she had not to lean into his touch. "What you ... want ..." His hand travelled downward to the inside of her thigh. An unwilling breath expelled out of her and he smirked.
The slayer stood there precariously, unable to move. Frustration, sadness, disgust, escape, and lust all surged together.
The disgust won. She slapped his hand away. "Spike, please. I have to ... Dawn needs dinner."
"Needn't worry about the Nibblet." Spike said softly, moving closer again. "We can make it quick ..." His voice sounded close to her ear and it send shivers down her spine.
Buffy stared ahead miserly. Everything in her life since she came back from the dead had just been so hard. She had absolutely no idea what she was doing with anything even sleeping with Spike ... but that was the only time she had solace. A evil, soulless thing giving her solace. It was shameful and disgusting and confusing and she couldn't even stop, as weak as she was letting him doing this again—
The blonde's slayer eyes fluttered shut, feeling his lips on her neck. Yet, on the precipice and about to fall off ... Dawn came back. Her little sister she hadn't been there for who told her being locked away in jail wasn't any different than now. Then her confession to Tara, the overwhelming disgust and self-hatred in that rock-bottom moment that she would feel all again when this was over...
"No." Buffy said. She pushed the vampire off, a certain firmness now.
Spike paused, surprise on his face. The blonde met his questioning stare with a steady gaze and walked past him, the fast food gripped tightly in her hands.
It took everything in her to deny him, but she did.
"See you tonight." He called back.
Buffy kept walking.
####
"Dawn?" Buffy called, entering her house. Looking around, she caught a glimpse of her little sister moving about in the kitchen.
"Buffy?" Dawn met her from the kitchen sink. She looked like she had been doing dishes.
The blonde slayer gave a fragile smile. "Hey." Buffy sat down by the island and reached into the bag. "Got dinner. Doublemeat medley. One in a million Buffy-blended special." As she made a move to hand it to her, she noticed her sister staring at her blankly. "Okay, m-maybe not in one in million as in Buffy-made, but I swear this one came out really good." She rushed to say, nervous.
Dawn looked uncomfortable. "Buffy ... I already made myself a grilled cheese." She must've immediately deflated because her little sister turned even more guilty. "I-It's just it was late. I was hungry earlier and I-I didn't know if you would ..."
Be here.
Her sister's unspoken words hung so sharply in the air it didn't even need to be said.
Guilt surged afresh in the slayer, but she nodded. "Oh! Oh, it's fine. I'll just, uh, y'know ... put it in the fridge. Maybe you can eat it tomorrow." Recognizing the somewhat disgusted look in Dawn's eyes, she hurriedly added, "Or m-maybe Willow will eat it." The familiar sense of failure was setting in now, heavy and compressing.
"Willow's asleep already." Dawn gave her a look that was almost pitying which really didn't help. "Thanks though, Buffy. Really. I know you've been busy with the ... patrolling and stuff." The brunette's words were sympathizing, but the slayer knew she wasn't imagining the tension in the air.
And stuff. Buffy thought ashamedly, not even able to meet her eyes. "Dawn ..."
"I'm gonna go to bed." The teenager was withdrawing. "You should get some sleep too. I mean, fighting vampires all night ... wears you out, right?"
Not even able to apologize or ask her if she did her homework or be the one telling to her to go to bed like like any real decent guardian would do, Buffy just watched sadly as her little sister turned and headed upstairs, shutting her out again for the hundredth time.
And that's more than Strike 3 ... there should be more strikes.
The blonde slayer sighed and buried her face in her hands. Self-loathing flared up again. She was letting down Dawn. She was letting down herself.
What's even the point? Pure weariness seeped through Buffy. She couldn't do anything right and it was even harder to care. She had died, after all. She shouldn't even be here. It was exhausting to care, if she couldn't even stop messing up. She was so weary and tired and just burned out. Why wasn't any of this getting better?
Sitting there alone, staring at nothing, Buffy felt coldness and that sharp, overwhelming need. The urge to hide. From herself, from the world, from ... life. A image of Spike burned in the back of her mind and with it the anguish, the guilt, the ... weakness ...
She didn't know anymore if she wasn't going to Spike tonight.
####
The days rolled on. Buffy continued to do the patrolling, the mediocre job, the work of humor and pretense in their ocassional friend get-togethers and barely felt any of it. She managed to strike up at least semi-conversations with Dawn, but nothing that resolved their issues. On top of that she almost got fired for saving a customer getting attacked by a Harmanuman demon. Every day just felt the same. Nothing got worse... but nothing got better either.
Things finally started to stir a bit. There was a series of brutal murders that included kidnapping and then bodies being found eaten alive. This time Buffy found she was able to connect a bit more to the seriousness of it. Hitting the books with the gang they discovered it to be from a Taroaka demon. They usually nest in large groups and repopulated like crazy. They were known in the olden days to hide out in large caves in deserted areas, kidnapping and dragging away any lost soul to feast on their bones. They usually didn't kill so much all at once ... but now? Looks like they were stepping up.
Buffy tracked the Taroaka demon's trail to an isolated cave by the beach. Her instinctive urge was to wipe out the nest by herself. She was used to slaying alone these days ... but even with her friends' issues and her issues, she wasn't stupid enough to think she could kill these kind of demons single-handedly. So the gang all came ... and Spike. Unfortunately Spike.
Chaos surrounded her as they stood in the heart of Taroaka demons, fighting for their lives. Buffy cut through several efficiently and cleanly. Soon there were only a few stragglers left. As her friends took care of those, the slayer squared off against the leader. He was one of the more ancient demons with a name of Sumutar, sophisticated and arrogant. The two battled ferociously, blows and wounds exchanged and just as Buffy would've dealt the finishing blow ... he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Buffy gritted her teeth. "Never been a fan of the parlor tricks, Sumy!" She called. She looked around warily, bracing herself for a sneak attack.
"Don't bother." Spike appeared just behind her, slightly more beat up than he normally would be, and grimaced. "He's gone. Taroaka-style grand exit. What they do."
"Pfft! Who's still into that showy smoke stuff?" Xander huffed, waving his hand. Turning serious quickly, he shook his head. "He's already gonna be leaving town."
Willow frowned. "W-well, maybe we can catch to up to him before that. Buffy messed him up pretty bad ..."
"Oh, he's long gone." Anya piped up, absolute certainty in her voice. "It's Sumutar. Anytime he gets found out, he disappears. Big sense of self-preservation." She explained.
"So ... that's a no on the catching?" Xander said lamely.
Spike narrowed his eyes slightly. "Sounds like you got something on the poof, pet ..." He said carefully, tone pointed.
"Mostly stories. I ran into him once in on my vengeance demon days some five hundreds ago. He massacred an entire fishing village. Real-old world demon." The ex-demon informed, nodding. "He has a whole bunch of secret hide-outs scattered all over the world. Every time he got discovered, he just migrated to another lair."
Buffy's head snapped at this. She turned around slowly and faced the other blonde, intent and serious. "Anya ... tell me everything you know about the lairs."
####
"Are you sure, Buffy ...?"
Willow's tentative voice drew the slayer's attention. Her, Xander, and Anya sat in front of her at the table of the Magic Box. They all watched her closely now and though none of them said it, the silent question hung in the air from each of them.
Buffy kept her face controlled. "One of Sumutar's holes in the ground is in L.A. After the wailing I gave him, that's where he's gonna go. It's the closest."
"Yeah, but Buff ... do you really need to take the weekend trip?" Xander queried, frowning. "L.A.'s Angel's territory. He can take of it."
Willow nodded vigorously. "Right. You can call him ... Make sure he keeps a look-out." The witch was trying to be reassuring, but her nervousness was clear.
The blonde stared at her friends, resigned. They weren't going to say it, but they didn't want her around Angel. She couldn't even blame them.
" ... Sumutar escaped. I can't just let him get away and do whatever he wants." Buffy justified.
"Or ,y'know, you're just stressed out with Sunnydale and want to get away from us again for the comfort and Anglo-Irish chivalry I'm told he's renowned for." Anya stated, utterly matter-of-fact. Oblivious to the accusing glare Willow shot her and Xander's resigned look, she shrugged. "I would understand this."
The slayer stiffened. She stared hard at the ex-vengeance demon. " ... Sumutar is my fight. I'm going to Los Angeles to track him down and finish him." Her voice carried air of authority, but behind it there was a trickle of guilt. Anya's remark didn't hit a nerve, but it did graze one.
Willow and Xander knew better than to argue. The uneasy concern in their eyes, though, didn't alleviate one bit.
Buffy turned to Willow. "Wil, will you look after Dawn for a couple days?"
"Of course." Willow agreed instantly. There was a glimmer of shame in her eyes and the slayer knew she was remembering the night she took Dawn with her to see Rack. Buffy couldn't deny she was still wary over her best friend's mental state, especially considering the issues between her and Tara, but Wil seemed to be doing better. She was still on the magic patch anyway.
Better than me, at least.
The dark thought skittered through Buffy's brain before she could help it. If only there could be a patch for her addiction. If only...
Xander was giving her a resigned expression. Looking like he was holding back a sigh, he nodded. "We'll do the patrolling."
"Take Spike with. Keep him busy."
"Ah, yes. Keep Spike from Buffy. Keep him from stalking you to L.A and starting crap with Angel. You, Buffy, who he still has no chance in hell with." Xander recited matter-of-factly, smiling sardonically. "Did I do good?"
The slayer radiated discomfort. She smiled stiffly. "Takes all the awards..."
Xander nodded, looking proud. "I got your back."
Awkwardness growing steadily faster, Buffy suddenly found it unbearable to stand in front of them. "I'm gonna head out. Get on that ... track-y thing." She said lamely, already turning to go. She didn't glance back as she made her way to the back of the Magic Box.
"Taking a dip back in Angel's side of the pasture now, are we?"
Buffy hadn't taken more than one foot out the door when she glanced over to see Spike. She looked away, giving a frustrated groan. "You're like Velcro." She grumbled.
"Heard you. In there." The bleached blonde vampire looked more sober than usual. "Don't see why you can't forget about one little demon and leave Angel the mess. Bloke leaves behind plenty of his own, that's for bloody sure." He regarded her flatly. "Or is this impromptu trip to L.A. for canoodling and then 'The One Great Snog'?"
Buffy. Avoids one complex situation. Just finds another. "It's unfinished business." She said simply.
Spike cocked his head, eyes narrowed warily. "The demon or Angel?"
Buffy threw him a glare. It was the demon, but she didn't want to give Spike the satisfaction of thinking she felt she had to explain herself to him. "My business, Spike." She replied curtly, walking away.
The vampire watched her a second, scowling, before he sighed and shook his head. "I could pick up Sumutar's scent. Should be able to track him to whatever sinkhole he's got down there."
"You're not coming with me, Spike."
"Well, you don't think I'm just gonna let you go alone, do you?" Spike responded, incredulous.
Frustration rising, Buffy whirled on him. "Yes! You are. I'm gonna do my job away from here and you're gonna be somewhere ... away." She gave an irritable pout. Ugh, she so didn't want to deal with Spike right now. Why couldn't he ever just leave her alone?
"And I do, what?" He scoffed. "Stay with your damned Scoobies while you and Captain Forehead play that soddin' broken record? Not bloody likely!" Spike argued, disdainful.
Buffy clenched her fist, her knuckles burning with the urge to strike. The only thing holding her back was his black eye from that alley. "I mean it, Spike. "
The bleached blonde vampire was unintimidated by her icy stare. He frowned, almost thoughtfully. Slowly a smirk spread across his face. " ... You're afraid."
"What?" Buffy growled.
"It's not that you don't want me hanging around you. It's that you don't want me hanging around Angel. Worried I'm gonna spill all our dirty little secrets. Or worse ... he figures it out on his own." Spike sounded near-gleeful. "You can't tell your friends about us. Can't even tell yourself half the time. But him ... can't even go there, can you, pet? Can't even think it."
His voice was so smug and frighteningly gentle that Buffy almost flinched. The constant dull feeling of a pit in her stomach was suddenly an abyss, deep and bottomless. Once again the slayer could only marvel at how well this soulless vampire knew her. How he could just see right through her, hitting every ugly truth she thought was buried beyond reach.
"There is no us." The slayer barely stopped her voice from shaking.
"It'd be hard telling that to Angel." Spike countered. He tilted his head. "I wonder what he'd think of you ... all the things you've done ... with me ... His perfect little sunshine girl, embodiment of all that is good and pure ..." He drawled. He smirked cruelly. "He wouldn't be able to look at you the same, would he? Knock you right off that pedestal from all the way on top of bloody Mt. Everest, isn't that right?"
Buffy tried not to react, but the words tuned her worst fears. Her heart clenched. What would Angel think of her? If he knew even a fraction of what she's done with Spike, what she's become ... would he look at her and still see the woman he loved? She didn't even know anymore. Everything Angel had loved about her, everything she used to be was gone now. She saw it every time she looked in the mirror. The fact that she didn't even know if he could ... Buffy despaired at the very thought.
Unable to bear another second, the blonde slayer hurried to leave. The vampire didn't force her to stay nor follow after. Instead he stood there, watching.
"Of course, you would still have me, pet. Always me!"
If possible, a little bit of Buffy died inside even more.
####
A wiser, more emotionally stable person would've contacted Angel and his friends right away for help against this demon, stopping by his work as soon as they arrived in L.A.
That wiser, emotionally stable person was not Buffy.
Buffy had showed up in Los Angeles soon enough. Instead of going to her ex though, she had started out on her own. She had told herself many things. That Sumutar was still strictly her business, in Angel's city or otherwise. That she could find him without the souled vampire's now-how of the city based on her living here for most of life and the vague recollections she had of the demon bars and old haunts from her first year as a slayer. She justified it in all the very reasonable, logical, cool and calm way only she would justify it.
But the truth?
Buffy was avoiding Angel. It just didn't feel right to see him. The last meeting after her ressurrection had been ... maybe not completely disastrous at the time, but with everything that happened since, hindsight certainly changed things. She had told him her emptiness coming back from the dead. She had let Angel do his thing and try to help her with it. She had told him she felt better. She rejected Angel staying in Sunnydale for a little bit because she didn't trust herself around him. Between that night and a month later her life was even more in tatters and she ended up screwing Spike in a collapsing building. And then everything after that ...
Deep shame pricked Buffy as she thought of Angel and her secret affair with Spike. For her to become reduced to this with a soulless vampire, with Spike ... she couldn't even begin to imagine how that would make him feel. At least Angel was good. At least Angel had a soul. What was that against an evil, soulless thing that kept claiming he loved her? She couldn't understand herself how she got here, how could Angel? Seeing him now, even if she did everything she could for him to not find out about her and Spike, would still leave that sick feeling in her gut. Like it was wrong. Like she was wrong.
Even before she hadn't wanted to contact Angel. Maybe this mission partly was to get away from Sunnydale ... but not for Angel comfort. Any comfort he could give this time would be too tainted by shame and she wouldn't be able to tell him why.
Buffy didn't want to admit how deeply Spike's words about Angel not seeing her the same if he found out the truth had shaken her. That maybe that was the real reason she wasn't going to face him. She wouldn't admit that. She couldn't.
Even with her turmoil and a rampant feeling of unworthiness that detered her from even standing in front of Angel, common sense eventually pulled it's head up from her sea of self-loathing. Her hazy memory of L.A. demon bars weren't good enough. She hadn't managed to get any information out of beating and throttling demons. She needed better resources, those more familiar with the place. Her slayer solo mission of one ... unfortunately couldn't be solo.
Buffy walked out of her last demon bar with a heavy sigh, shoulders slumped. She was so burned out now she wasn't sure if even seeing Angel would make her feel anything.
All her dark thoughts swarmed over her. Her fears about seeing her ex again, what he would think of her and Spike, her dismal view of herself, life, and just Spike... The slayer sighed again.
There's no way this can possibly get worse ...
~~Angel~~
Angel stood awkwardly to the side, watching Cordelia. Nervous energy fizzed throughout his body. He still felt ... weird from that possession that got the two of them back at the Giselle ballet. He had intended to have a quiet and fun evening with his friends (he supposed he should've known better) only for it to get ruined by a wizard orchestrating the ballet and the spirits of a secret couple. They solved it, sure, and everyone for the most part came out physically unscathed ... but he wished he could say the same for his mind.
He just couldn't get their possession out of his head. The feeling of kissing Cordelia, of touching her was still electric in his mind. It rattled him. The souled vampire could admit he had thought of doing things like that with her before especially lately ... but he definitely hadn't intended that. It should've happened differently, if it would ever happen at all. But now that it had ...
A sudden feeling of alienation swept over Angel. He wasn't ... good at these things. All he did was overthink everything. Even now there was doubt. Starting something with Cordelia? Why? He still had a curse. He was still a vampire. It's not like he'd give her anything or any woman anything. In over two hundred years he only had one serious relationship and he self-destructed it horriblly.
'You just have to act, Angel. Let her know what's brewin' inside. 'Cause, man, it's real and you don't wanna miss that shot!'
Lorne's encouraging words from before the ballet filtered in his mind. A certain calm came over Angel then. That's all he ever did, miss his shots. A flicker of hope ignited. Maybe Cordelia wouldn't be another shot he missed. Maybe she could be different ... if he made it. Maybe ...
Angel approached Cordelia, a warm smile on his face.
"Do you think I can still return it?" Cordelia asked, wiping her dusty dress. Her hair was disheveled and sticking out in all angles along with her slightly tattered dress, but he still thought she looked beautiful. The seer shook his head. "Because otherwise we're gonna have to take it on a lot more cases."
"Cordy."
The brunette waved her hand, looking weary. "Yknow, we should probably just not ... talk about our little adventure." She punctuated the words with a nervous laugh. "Anything that might've been seen, anything that might've been ... perky." She carried on lamely, laughing awkwardly.
Triggered, the souled vampire turned away uncomfortably. "I just wanna pretend it never happened."
Cordelia nodded heartily. "Exactly!"
"Wipe it from my memory." Angel stated, shaking his head. Well, maybe not ... wiped ... exactly. He couldn't help but think traitorously.
"What?" Cordy looked alarmed. Her brow scrunched in a frown. "Was it, like, disgusting?" She sounded a bit dismayed.
"No!" He said hurriedly. Self-conscious, Angel back-tracked. "I, ah ... I would, I would just want ..." Cordelia was staring at him with an incredulous look and that didn't help his nerves at all. " ... If we were too ... I would just want it to be ... new. Start at the beginning." Was any of that even English?
Cordelia blinked blankly. She shook her head. "Lost me in the middle."
Nervousness bubbled in Angel and he almost stopped there. He took a deep, unneeded breath. It was now or never. "Cordy. You and I, we've been working together for ... a long time." Cordy scoffed, nodding, and he quickly clarified, "What I mean is ... you've become a truly extraordinary woman." He told her sincerely. The seer looked down, touched. "I mean, I know we haven't always gotten along, but I think that, y'know, we ..." Angel caught something in the corner of his eye and froze up on the spot. A lump formed in his throat. " ... Buffy?" He choked out.
Cordy frowned deeply. Heads of his friends swiveled in unison where he was looking ... and there stood the blonde slayer in the entrance to the Hyperion.
She locked gazes with him and stiffened, getting a wide-eyed look he knew was completely identical to his own.
Time must've stopped. Everything suddenly was fading, every coherent thought of his gone. All he could do was stare at her.
Buffy looked around nervously, taking in the shocked faces of him and his team. At last she gave an awkward smile. "... Hiya."
A/N: That's the beginning! ;) I may go back and edit it a bit later, but it's the basic gist. It just struck me how completely different Angel and Buffy's lives were in the first part of their respective seasons. I think it would've been really great writing to see the clash and drama+character growth that could've come out of this instead of bringing back boring old Riley and maybe they even originally intended it that way if not for the networks restricting crossovers. That is a shame, but I will definitely work with this! :D
I hope the Cangel at the beginning wasn't awkward? I felt awkward writing it because C/A is just so weird to me. It's strange to see Angel pine for someone that's not Buffy, much weirder than Buffy in other relationships lol. Writing S3 Angel w/ Buffy is a bit of a challenge. There was absolutely no insight in Angel's mind on what he thought or felt over Buffy during this time. I don't know if he genuinely thought he was over her and only realized he wasn't by "Chosen" or never even assumed he was and just grew to love Cordy at the same time which was why he was still so flirty and confident in his feelings for Buffy in the finale. Even as a Bangel fan I consider that bad writing that needed clarification. Now I have to wing it lol. Cangel will definitely get justice in this fic because I know Angel did love her, even if it'll be B/A major (can't really see it any other way canon-wise tbh).
This short fic is split into two parts: first-parter Angel "episode" and the second parter a Buffy one. Our poor Buffy is going to be going through a very hard time in this fic, especially in the beginning ... but Angel will get his turn. Oh, believe me, he will get his turn. ;)
This story is my blatant guilty pleasure (honoring the show's 20th anniversary! :D). It will be a clusterfuck of angst and drama, all the while keeping the canon with the shows and ships, and it's too bad Joss didn't ever write something like this because I know his sadistic ass would have fun with it too lol.
NEXT CHAPTER: Buffy arrives at the Hyperion for help to take down Sumutar. Even as complicated as Buffy had imagined it to be she quickly finds out other things are not as they seem. Meanwhile, Angel's emotional state is completely unbalanced by the surprise appearance of Buffy. Old feelings and fears resurface, caught in an intense tug-of-war between her and his newly complicated relationship with Cordelia...
Reviews, favorites, follows welcome! :)