It's funny, you know, because she never thought it would be like this, with her on The Bay and him here but not really here, with a piece of him beyond memories actually coming with her as her worst nightmare, her death in a way, is recognized by reality. She watches as they leave, she watches as she's left behind, and despite the fact that she's rehearsed this moment in her mind and her heart far more than she wishes to lament upon, she doesn't end up experiencing any of it. She doesn't make Speech Number 42. She doesn't give him Kiss Version Number 8.
She was expecting something along those lines. It wasn't like she was averse to variations, not at all. A life with the Doctor has taught her nothing if that, to be prepared for anything. Yet still she was caught off-guard. She should be sobbing, or going insane, or making Speech Number 42. Anything but what she was currently doing. Perhaps, perhaps it was because she had him with her after all, in a way. Maybe that's why the only thing she could think about was how much sense it had made.
Rose wasn't thinking that this situation made much sense, no, not all; because if she was being honest with herself, this was not how she had imagined to be left behind by the Doctor. This doesn't make any sense at all, this was insane. No, she was thinking about how her Other Doctor, his next regeneration, makes so much more sense now. Because now, now she realizes what he's always meant. He had always said, always asked how...how does she deal with the two of them? Do you mind, he always asked. Is it too hard? Do you mind that there's the two of us?
And she thought, she thought that he had meant her Doctor being in the past, and Him, the Other Doctor, the Doctor In-Between, appearing every now and then, when he'd sneak off from his future and come back for her, for consolation and love and advice and Rose-time. She thought he was asking how she felt about him from the future coming back to see her. She thought he was asking if it was okay, with her having to keep secrets about him and his future self. And maybe he was. Maybe sometimes that is what he was asking.
But now she realizes why sometimes he looked so sad, so upset after she answers; why this sadness was so much more intense than his usual parting looks, and it's because he knows what happens to her. It's because he wants to know, he wants to know if it's okay what he's doing to her now, on this beach. If it's okay that she's here with the him that's not exactly him, if it's okay that he's there with Donna but not her.
She's always said yes. Because it's fine that he's visited her from his future, it's wonderful that he's given her the treat of him twice over. The memories he's given her, the love he's given her, despite the fact that she knew she would be left behind from the first moment she spotted floppy hair and that red bow tie, it was all worth it. Every moment, every word, every touch, it's all been worth it. Even as she says goodbye to him, even as she accepted the pain that he will endure very soon in the future (he didn't have to tell her about Donna, she just knows. He didn't have to tell her about how he's going to replay these last moments between them, she just knows).
As she looks over to the him that is not him, however, she wonders if she would answer him the same way if he was here now. She wonders. And she feels his hand, the hand of the him that is not really him, and she feels another place in her heart open up for him, despite the fact that he really isn't the same. How could he? He isn't the whole package because he doesn't know about the Other Doctor, he wouldn't, because his life stopped stemming from her Doctor about two hours ago. But that's okay, that is okay. And she will get through this, right?
Right. She wouldn't want to have lied to her Other.
No. So she'll let this scar over. She'll deal with this, and then she'll fix him, because he's her Doctor just as much as the others.
Well...she'll do her best.
Author's Note: I have this head canon that 11 (the Other Doctor) would visit Rose in the past whenever he's lonely or just because. You can thank LauraxTennant for that one! And I think he would ask if Rose was okay with having to deal with a future regeneration coming to visit her...except sometimes he wouldn't mean that at all.