A/N: Hi everyone! I know I'm a little late with a Killing Me Slowly update, but the plot bunnies took over. So, I hope this makes up for everything.
WARNING: Possible tear-jearker. May need tissues.
Disclaimer: I (sadly) don't own The Outsiders.
One Step At A Time
"Let's go little buddy!" I call to Soda who- as always- is late. It's hard trying to be cheerful, especially with Ponyboy so upset. "C'mon Pone, you're gonna wrinkle your suit."
"Sorry." He mumbles, standing up.
Today is the day none of us expected. Today is Johnny and Dally's funeral.
Our suits are the same ones we wore to Mom and Dad's, the sleeve ends frayed from being tugged on. Soda runs by, mumbling apologies as he shoves on his shoes. My little brothers pile in the truck tensely, all of us not wanting to go. If we don't go, we can pretend none of this ever happened.
At the funeral home, we're met up by Steve and Two-Bit, both of which have solemn, lonely expressions etched across their faces. Johnny and Dallas lay in caskets up front, but no one goes to see them, too afraid to look at their dead bodies.
I didn't expect Johnny's parents or Dal's father to be here so it's not a surprise to me when they don't show. There's pretty much no one here- just Buck and a few of Shepard's outfit. Honestly, we could've just buried them and saved the money, but the two deserved more.
"We are here today to celebrate the lives of Johnny Cade and Dallas Winston. Two hoods that both died heroes." The pastor starts.
Already, Ponyboy is holding back tears. His small form is shaking slightly. Gently, I pull him into me and let him tug on his jacket sleeves, straining the ruined fabric even more.
"These two gentlemen were far from loved, but had support from their friends."
I see a tear roll down Pony's cheek, leaving a small red trail in its path.
"A young boy has requested he speak." He steps back, motioning to the microphone, and my little brother stands.
"Pony-" Sodapop whispers, trying to stop him.
He pushes past and walks to the front unfazed. Once up, he pulls out a folded up piece of paper and clears his throat.
"Hello. As you all know, I'm Ponyboy, Johnny's best friend. I got to see firsthand how reckless Dally really was. He was always nose-deep in trouble and was looking for more. Sure, Dal came off as hard and uncaring, but he wasn't. He would never admit it, heck, he wouldn't even show it, but we all knew. Dallas wouldn't have gone off and killed himself if he didn't care." He pauses to look at us.
Pride swells through and I give him a small smile, urging him to continue.
"When Johnny and I were out at the church in Windrixville, I read Gone With The Wind to him. He said he thought Dally was like those Southern gentlemen- gallant. At first I didn't see it. My brother- Sodapop- is more like them. But, watching Dal get shot down by the cops, I realized he was right. Dally was gallant. He always was. So, even though he tried to harden himself beyond caring, he didn't. He did have a heart and Dal was gallant." He says the statement with such finality that it's a shock when he flips the paper over. With a deep breath, he continues, softer and smoother.
"This was one of the hardest things I've had to do since my parents died. How could I honor my best friend without sounding completely fake. Well, here's what I came up with. Johnny Cade was my best buddy- one of the only people I could confide in. When he died, I felt as if my world came crashing down around me. All I could remember were the regrets- no happy memories. Over time, it's gotten better and I can talk about it now. But it's still really hard." He sniffles and I wish I could comfort him, "It's not much of a surprise- I don't think- to anyone that while we were up there, we watched the sun rising in the mornings. The one though, brought up a memory."
I smile up at my little brother as he recites a poem I used to read to him.
"Nature's first green is gold.
Her hardest hue to hold,
Her early leaf's a flower,
But only so an hour,
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
Then dawn goes down to day,
Nothing gold can stay."
Looking around, almost everyone stares up, confused. He giggles a little at the blank looks and continues on.
"Robert Frost wrote it. I've never got exactly what he meant until Johnnycake told me. He meant you're gold when you're young. And as you lose that innocence, that 'gold' goes away. Hence the name- "Nothing Gold Can Stay". Nothing can stay so young, innocent, and naïve. Sooner or later, you'll grow out of it. But Frost was wrong. Johnny was gold. And he'll always stay that way." He kisses his first two fingers and points up to the ceiling, shooting up a small smile.
The four of us do the same. Ponyboy gives us a huge grin before finishing his speech.
"Before he died, he asked me to stay gold. I've tried my hardest to do that and I hope I'm doing him proud. But it's not easy. And so, I'm asking you to do the same. If you don't want to, that's okay, but those up for the challenge, please. Please stay gold- in the words of Dallas Winston, 'We'll do it for Johnny.' Thank you" Ponyboy gives a little nod before coming back to us.
As soon as he sits down, he starts bawling. And I don't mean measly little sobs. No. Like if you took a child's favorite toy away. I pull him into me and instantly Pony clutches to my suit shirt as if he were falling and I was the last thing he had to hold onto. Steve and Two-Bit pretend to ignore it, looking around the church. Soda rubs his thigh comfortingly.
"Ponyboy, what's wrong? That was great." I coo, ignoring the pastor continuing on about our friends.
He fumbles for words but ultimately ends up sobbing more.
"Calm down little colt, you'll be all right." Soda murmurs, patting his back.
"If you would please join us at the cemetery on Sutton, we'll have the burial ceremony." The pastor says, turning off the mic and closing the caskets.
"C'mon Pony, we gotta go." I start to stand up, but he digs under my arm, shaking like a leaf.
He doesn't move, so I roll him into me and lift him up, carrying my baby brother out to the truck while he tries to manage his sobs.
By the time we're at the cemetery, he's stopped crying- just a few scattered tears here and there- but still won't say anything or answer to anybody. No one else has followed except the three of us and Two-Bit and Steve, so we pack together as gloomy clouds drift in. The two wooden coffins holding the broken part of the gang lay side-by-side next to two big pits. Pone's taken the two roses from the back seat and clutches them tightly in his hands. I nudge him forward lightly.
Ponyboy walks slowly up to the two. He bends down and places the first flower in Dally's hand.
"See ya later, buddy. I'm sure someone will cause trouble for you. I can't wait to see how mad those police angels are at you." He smiles at the lifeless body, a tear streaking down his cheek, "Goodbye, Dallas."
Straightening up, my brother steps over to Johnny.
"Hey Johnnycake, long time no see." He smiles a sideways sad smile. His shaking hands place the bright rose on Johnny's dark form, "Hope you and Dal are doing okay. I bet you guys are having the greatest time. You should've seen the sunset the other night. Golly, it sure was pretty. The sky was all pink and misty."
Rain starts to putter lightly, our emotions one with the weather. With a quick glance at Soda, I notice how hard he's trying not to cry. I step beside him, leaning on his arm a little at some attempt at comfort.
"I miss you buddy. So much. It's been hard- staying gold and all. But I hope I'm doing okay." A sob catches in his throat and a few tears drip like the rain.
"My poor brother," I think, looking out at Ponyboy.
"I can't wait to see you again. I love you Johnnycake, just like my brothers. Talk to you soon." With one last glance at his best friend, Pony comes and stands by me, tears silently streaming down his cheeks. I pull his small, frail form into me and hold him close.
"I miss them Darry." Pone stares up at me through watery eyes.
"I know, little one." He digs his head into my chest.
The pastor has the caskets lowered into the earth. I lead the gang to five shovels spread along the dirt from the hole. We each grab one, slowly burying our friends.
Steve goes first, mumbling a small goodbye as a single tear trickles down his cheek. Two-Bit picks a wildflower and throws it in with his pile, waving sadly to the ground. Sodapop coughs back a sob, throwing his shovelful down gracefully. I dump my dirt down with a small, sad smile to the unseen caskets. Ponyboy glances at the rest of us through red eyes and I give a slight nod. With a shaky breath, he collects the damp earth and slowly shakes it down. Laying the shovel on the grass behind him, Pony kisses his hand and blows it down to Johnny and Dally.
"Love you guys." He mumbles, tears freely flowing from his now-dull green eyes.
"C'mon guys, lets go home." I wrap my arms around Soda and Pony, guiding the gang to the truck.
Back at home, the five of us sit around the living room quietly staring at each other.
"Remember when Dal first came to Tulsa?" Two-Bit asks suddenly.
"Shoot, yeah. Everyone was terrified of 'im." Steve grins his wolfish grin, "Not even the fuzz messed with good 'ole Dally."
"Until he robbed that one store." I add, watching the atmosphere of the room lighten, "And then he practically begged Dad to let him out when he went to get Two-Bit."
"Of course he didn't say no though, Dad was too much of a sucker." Soda pokes me roughly.
"And when he brought Dally home," Ponyboy smiles at the thought, "Johnny instantly opened up."
"Obviously, man. 'cake worshipped Dal." Steve pushes his playfully. "Although Dallas didn't really mind."
"'Cause they cared about each other." Pony mumbles.
"Yeah. They were brothers." Soda smiles again, sadly this time.
"So are we, though." I ruffle both my brother's hair affectionately, "We're a family- a broken one- but still a family. And we can get through whatever. We just gotta take things one step at a time. Everything'll work out, trust me."