A.N. So I've been wanting to write something NaruHina for a while and I was going over my old stories and while looking at the reviews I saw that a lot of people wanted to find out what happened to Naruto and Hinata in my story A Lit Candle. So I decided to write this story which is Naruto's POV regarding the events of A Lit Candle. I hope everybody likes it!
Picture Frames
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He squeezes Hinata tighter as she starts to pull away.
"Naruto-kun..."
"I know, I know. But I'm gonna miss you, gotta get all my hugging in now so I can think back on it when I'm all alone." She giggles softly into his shirt and he smiles, breathing in her smell of lilacs and vanilla. Finally her grip loosens and he sighs but lets go too. She looks up to meet his eyes and he finds himself lost in her gaze, his lips turning up in a smile without his say so. She smiles sweetly in return.
"I should go. I'll miss you too, but I shouldn't be gone too long." Naruto nods and moves his hand to cup her face.
"I know, but I'd miss you no matter how long-or short-it was." He leans down for a kiss and everything else falls away as their lips meet. There's no mission, no stupid scroll that needs delivering, no team mates hovering nearby. It's just them, just Naruto and Hinata. Of course the spell is broken by Akamaru's loud bark. Hinata pulls back but caresses his face gently.
"I love you." She whispers and he smiles.
"Love you too. I'll try not to be too depressed without you." She laughs and it's music to his ears. He watches her turn away and walk towards her team mates. Naruto can feel worry niggling in the pit of his stomach and tries his best to ignore it. He knows it's a simple mission, knows full well that Hinata and her team are all very capable shinobi and can definitely take care of themselves. But it's something he's learned as he got older. It doesn't matter how strong you know someone is and it doesn't matter how easy their mission is supposed to be. When you love someone, you worry. It's something he still isn't used to.
He tries and fails to ignore that worry as she heads out of the village with Kiba, Akamaru and Shino.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
Naruto stands near the gates of Konoha, the sun shining and a warm breeze playing with his hair. He has a bouquet of flowers clutched in his fist and he's fairly certain his eager smile reaches from ear to ear. A few civilians are milling about nearby, a shinobi is leaning against the wall in conversation with another and Ino is sitting on a bench, idly flipping through a trashy romance novel. Muffled conversations and laughter carry on the wind and something spicy is in the air and he can feel anticipation thrumming through his veins.
Today is the day Hinata is set to return from her mission and he can't wait. He missed her, he always does but the homecoming always makes it plenty worthwhile. He's gone pretty all out for her, having not only bought her favourite flowers (something Ino thought was so sweet and will now apparently insist Kiba do as well, oops) but he's also painstakingly cleaned the entire apartment (while his team mates very helpfully made fun of him the entire time), he's gotten everything together to make her favourite for dinner; his plan being to make it while she enjoys the luxuriant bath he intends to run for her, he's purchased her preferred bubble bath, scrubbed the tub and bought scented candles. He knows from personal experience that nothing is better than coming home to a warm meal, a relaxing soak in the tub and the person you love.
Before Hinata (and if we're being honest, even after Hinata) he was pretty clueless when it came to romance. But the longer they've been together, the more he finds he enjoys being a bit mushy. He likes giving her presents; loves making her smile and making her happy makes him feel warm from top to bottom.
Some people may say he's going overboard and maybe he is. But thing is, Hinata is his wife and he loves her and if he wants to be a bit over the top then he's allowed and anyway, it's not really your business, is it?
His eyes take careful stock of every person that passes through the gates but none of them are who he's waiting for. Eventually the sun begins to dip below the horizon and Ino stands and turns to look at him. She catches his eye and tilts her towards town but he shakes his head and she shrugs and waves and turns for home. Naruto continues to wait because she's coming home today and he promised he'd meet her.
When the moon climbs high in the sky, the rational part of his brain insists it's time to pack it in and head home and his rumbling stomach loudly agrees. He shifts from foot to foot having never been one for reason but he's starving and surely Hinata will understand. He feels guilty so he waits a bit longer but then his stomach growls so loudly he wouldn't be surprised to find he'd woken the whole village. He's tired and staving and he's forced to admit that it's time to give in.
He trudges back to an empty house still ready and waiting for Hinata's triumphant return and he can't quite bring himself to clean up just yet.
One week later and she still hasn't come back.
One week later and Sakura shows up at his door with a frown and he knows what she's going to say.
One week later and he gets the message every shinobi's spouse dreads.
"Tsunade-sama needs to talk to you."
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
"They found Shino nearly dead and brought him to the hospital, but there was no sign of the others. I've already sent out a search team." Tsunade looks up at the faces of the two people before her and sighs. "I'm sorry."
She looks at Naruto first. He looks like the whole world has caved in. And maybe his has. Ino on the other hand stands tall and resolute and keeps her face completely neutral.
"Thank you Lady Hokage." She says before turning around and leaving the room. Naruto remains, emotions warring across his face. Tsunade feels her heart pang for him and reaches out a hand.
"Naruto?" He flinches and tries his best to compose himself.
"I want to go with the search teams." Tsunade sighs. She knew this was coming. She's actually surprised Ino hadn't made the same demand. Then again, maybe Ino knew what Tsunade's answer would be.
"I already sent them out." Naruto's brow creases and Tsunade knows she's dodging his request.
"Then send out another team! Or I'll join up with the ones already out there!" Tsunade breathes out slowly and braces herself for the fight to come.
"No."
"What do you mean "No"? My wife is out there! You just expect me to sit back and wait?" Tsunade winces at the barely concealed anger in Naruto's voice.
"Yes," she answers firmly. "You're too close to this. You're far too involved and your emotions will get in the way. I need people that I can trust to find Kiba and Hinata and who won't let themselves get distracted by their relationships with those people." She pauses a moment before adding on.
"I'm sorry Naruto." His expression is pained as he clearly weighs her argument against his raging emotions.
"We'll find them Naruto. I promise. You just need to trust in your fellow shinobi." Naruto nods jerkily.
"Right. I...thanks baa-chan. I should, I should go." She frowns as he turns and flees, the image of his desolate face still swimming before her eyes.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
His house is a lot colder than he remembers. Everything seems darker, colder, emptier. He figures he's probably going a little crazy.
She'll be okay.
It's a mantra he repeats in his head as he gets ready for bed, an empty promise he can't help but believe. When he slides beneath the covers he instinctively reaches for her side of the bed. His hand smoothes over the coolness of the sheets and his heart shudders in his chest. He pulls his hand back from the reminder of her disappearance and his wedding band catches the moonlight. He can feel his heart bend and snap.
Hinata's the first person who loved him for him, she's his wife, his other half, his soul mate and he knows he can't lose her. But what if he already has?
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
"It's past noon." Naruto grunts and rolls over, brain fuzzy and filled with cotton balls. He gropes the bed sheets in search of Hinata and freezes when his hand connects with what is unmistakably a leg. He jerks up in surprise, his blood roaring in his ears and his heart trying to burst out of his chest.
Disappointment hits him like a steam roller when he recognizes Sasuke casually sitting on Hinata's side of the bed. He deflates and Sasuke stands, giving him a glance and tightening his mouth.
"It's past noon. Get up. It's embarrassing." Sasuke's voice is harsh in the way it usually is when emotions are involved but Naruto hardly notices, what with the chill creeping up his spine. The more he wakes up, the more realization sinks in and he pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard it hurts. He takes deep breaths to try and remain calm but Sasuke has clearly grown tired of waiting and tugs away his covers. The air is bitingly cold and Naruto yelps, hands reaching wildly for his blankets. Sasuke curls his lip and holds them out of Naruto's reach.
"We're going to the training grounds. And I'm not leaving without you. So get up." Naruto swears again and rolls himself out of bed. He trips through getting ready, his head still fuzzy and a tightening in his chest that he resolutely ignores. They step outside and Naruto winces at the sun, which is far too bright and much too warm for his liking. They trudge along in stony silence, Sasuke smirking infuriatingly all the while.
By the time they reach the training grounds, Naruto has been thoroughly distracted from his Hinata-worry by Sasuke-frustration. He is tired and hungry and not ready for the kick to the gut he receives, because Sasuke is apparently above such things as courtesy. The breath whooshes out of him and he bends over but Sasuke has no intention of letting up. Naruto has a second to realize there is a fist heading for his face and then he drops to the dirt with a wince, sprawled haphazardly. He rolls with a cough but there's Sasuke again and it's all Naruto can do to keep from losing his teeth.
The fight is a messy one, Sasuke all over him and Naruto desperately trying to avoid the more damaging of his blows. But thing is, the more they spar, the more focused Naruto finds himself. Being so thoroughly knocked around has served to wake him up and he finds his blows coming harder and faster, finds himself slowly gaining the upper hand. But once he starts winning, his focus starts to wane, his anger with Sasuke bleeding away and he finds it being replaced with a growing hole in his chest that tells him Hinata is dead and will never, ever come back. This hollowing fear makes him vicious and he lashes out at Sasuke with increasing violence.
She's dead dead not coming back torn apart ripped bruised beaten bloody terrified dead DEAD DEAD DEAD
"NO!" There is a loud, sickening crunch as Naruto's fist makes contact with Sasuke's jaw and sends him flying. Naruto's eyes widen and he freezes, breathing ragged. His emotions are going haywire and his head is spinning and still he can hear those words, over and over and over again.
Sasuke pulls himself up from the ground and gingerly touches his already bruising face. He slowly and cautiously makes his way over to Naruto and it's only when they're standing side by side that Naruto realizes he has somehow fallen to his knees. Sasuke kneels beside him and places a hand on his shoulder and Naruto feels some sort of dam inside him break.
"What if she doesn't come back?" Sasuke has no answer, simply tightens his grip on Naruto's shoulder and Naruto feels tears start to gather in his eyes. They fall unbidden and Naruto finds himself leaning against Sasuke, gripping the fabric of his shirt. Sasuke never says a word, but his arm finds its way around him and he sobs, unashamed, into his best friend's chest.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He pauses outside Shino's door, his hand hovering over the handle. Shino is his friend, he should go in, he should check on him, he should reassure him that he doesn't blame him for Hinata's disappearance, he should let him know how happy he is that he made it back alive. But his body doesn't move.
He is terrified. Terrified of seeing how hurt Shino is and having to realize that Hinata's probably worse.
He's terrified because he's so angry, angry with Shino for not protecting Hinata. He knows it's wrong but he can't stop the anger.
He's angry with Shino for being here when Hinata isn't.
Why does Shino get to come back alive and not Hinata? Hinata has a husband, we were going to start a family, grow old together, buy a real house. She had plans, a future. Shino's just Shino, no wife, no kids. Why is he safe? Why not Hinata?
He hates himself for thinking things like that but they worm their way into his brain and he can't get rid of them, no matter how hard he tries. He is a terrible person and Shino needs his friends but Naruto isn't sure he can be the friend he's supposed to be.
Hinata would be so disappointed in him.
He's so disappointed in himself.
He should be better than this.
Shino's alive and she isn't. Why why why why WHY?
The door opens and Naruto starts in surprise. Sakura pauses on the other side, surprised to see him. They stare at each other for a few seconds and then his eyes slide past her to the other occupants of the room. When his eyes hit Shino, he realizes that he can't and he turns and runs.
He dodges patients and nurses and doctors, runs straight out of the hospital and keeps running. He runs until he reaches their apartment and bolts the door behind him, latches all the windows and throws himself at the toilet, the contents of his stomach spewing from his mouth.
The real world is out there but he can't face it. He can't.
She's dead. She isn't coming back. She's dead and you know it.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He sits on the edge of their bed it's still theirs because she's still alive she's coming home she has to be and looks down at the picture frame in his hands. The frame in cool against his skin and he traces Hinata's figure with one of his fingers. It's his favourite picture of their wedding, and there are a million pictures of that day scattered around their home and their friends' homes, collected in frames and albums. They are dressed in their wedding finery and he's laughing, cake smudged all up the side of his face. Hinata is radiant, her face glowing as she laughs, a fork in one hand and a plate of cake in the other. It was the happiest day of his life and you could tell if you looked at him but Naruto barely looks at himself, his eyes drawn to Hinata, just like they always are.
He's never seen anyone more beautiful, more perfect and this may be all he has left of her. Memories flash frozen and trapped behind glass. He wipes his tears off her face but they don't stop and he prays to whatever God exists, he doesn't care which, that Hinata comes home. She's his everything and while memories are sweet, they aren't sweet enough.
(He'll stare at that picture every day. He won't allow himself to forget her face. If memories are all he'll have, he'll make sure his memories are as fresh as reality)
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
Naruto wakes up in the morning, tries to get out of bed, fails. Sleeps a bit longer, wakes up again, literally rolls out of bed and contemplates staying on their surprisingly comfortable floor. Drags himself off the ground, rubs his eyes, yawns so loud the neighbours must hear and trudges to the kitchen. Pours himself cereal with his eyes closed, leaving a mess on the counter and floor, if only he had a dog to clean it up like-oh wait. He slumps at the table, leaning against his hand and almost falling asleep in his bowl of Sugary Dazzle Pops. He misses his mouth a few times with the spoon and finally figures he's done. He drops the bowl in the sink and stumbles his way back to their bedroom in search of clothing. Halfway through his search he falls back in bed and sleeps again. He wakes up for the third time that morning and finishes his hunt for clothes. Balling up his pile he wanders to the bathroom and the steaming shower he climbs into finally burns him awake. He steps out and dries off, slipping into his clothes. He brushes his teeth, deodorizes and eventually decides to rock his bed head.
He leaves their apartment, ignores the hushed whispers and not so furtive glances that follow him around. He reaches the Hokage tower and climbs to the top. Shizune tries to smile at him and allows him in to see Tsunade immediately. She sighs and before he can say a word, Tsunade informs him, as she does every day, that there are no missions for him. He scowls and needles but she remains insistent. He leaves, throwing a half hearted wave in Shizune's direction. He returns home in a stew, slams doors and kicks off his shoes. He flings himself in their bed and sleeps until his stomach growls so loud the bed shakes. He riffles through the fridge until he finds leftovers from a care package courtesy of the Hyuuga family, well, really from Tenten. He flops in a chair and digs through it cold, frowning the entire time. Dressing again, he heads to the training grounds. He doesn't really train and there's no strategy to what he does but when he's done the training ground is mostly a crater. He returns home to find Sakura washing his dishes. She lectures him about keeping a clean house while he rolls his eyes. He makes instant ramen and Sakura lectures him again, this time about proper eating habits. He ignores this one as well.
When he's done he stands and heads to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and then heads to bed. Sakura stands outside their bedroom door and says they should talk. He doesn't answer and she finally leaves, off to try and fail to make Ino happy. When he hears the front door close, he reaches for his end table and picks up his photo of Hinata on their wedding day. He stares at it until his eyes are too blurry and then falls against his pillow.
It takes him ages to fall asleep and he tosses and turns and when he finally does fall asleep, nightmares grab him. In the morning the same routine will repeat. He's been living like this for so many days he's lost count but what he is very aware of is that it has been a very long time since Hinata didn't come back.
He has a routine now.
A routine that doesn't involve Hinata.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
Couples seem to avoid him like the plague. No matter where he is, there is absolutely no one engaging in romance or anything even remotely couply. And if they happen to be, the minute they recognize him, they spring away in horror. He knows everyone is doing it to be kind, but it's a bit ridiculous. He's not stupid. He knows that couples exist. Every romantic relationship did not cease to exist upon Hinata's disappearance.
The most laughable example is his friends, most especially Sakura and Sasuke, seeing as he was the best man at their wedding. They seem to think it best to approach him at separate times but if they do show up together it would be impossible to tell that they'd been married for four years. He appreciates everyone's efforts to preserve his feelings but there isn't any real point. He knows Sasuke and Sakura are together. Even if they don't act it around him, he's well aware that they go home together.
They're trying to be good friends and they are but it isn't necessary. He knows they aren't single and he knows he is-
Knows he is
Knows he is
KNOWS HE IS
Hinata...I'm so sorry...
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
"You've stopped looking." Tsunade sighs and rubs her forehead.
"Naruto-"
"You've stopped looking!" Naruto cuts her off, slamming his hand down on her desk. Tsunade closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to calm herself. They've been running in circles for a half hour now and Naruto shows no signs of stopping.
"I can't send out teams forever. It's been-"
"You can't give up on her! You can't! She'd never give up on you. How could you abandon her like that!" His face is red and his voice shakes with emotion and Tsunade quirks an eyebrow, suddenly getting the impression that Naruto might not be angry at her at all.
"Naruto..." She begins cautiously but she stops when he picks up the chair in front of her desk and hurls it at the wall. It splinters on impact and the fury finally seems to drain out of Naruto and he sinks shakily to the floor. Tsunade can hear feet running in the hallway and the door flings open. Shizune stands in the doorway, worry etched across her face. Tsunade catches her eye and shakes her head. Shizune tilts her head in confusion before her gaze rests upon Naruto. Her face softens and she nods, softly closing the door. Tsunade sighs and stands, rounding her desk. She kneels beside Naruto who has covered his face in his hands.
"You aren't really angry with me, are you?" Naruto lets out a choked sound before shaking his head. Tsunade sighs again and places a hand on his shoulder.
"You haven't done anything wrong." Naruto jerks away from her and she is startled by the conviction and self-loathing she can see in his bloodshot eyes.
"Yes I have! After everything Hinata's done for me, after everything...I should wait forever. I shouldn't give up. She deserves so much better." His voice becomes smaller and more choked up and he seems to huddle into himself.
"I want her to come back, I want her to come back so bad, but my head keeps telling me she won't. It's been too long. And no matter how much I still wish she'll walk through the door, I don't expect her to. Not anymore." Tsunade can feel her heart break as she moves towards him. She places one hand on his shoulder and uses the other to lift his chin. For a second she just stares at his face and nothing hurts more than watching this indestructible boy cry on her floor.
"Naruto, you love Hinata. She knew that. Wherever she is, she knows that. And I know you feel like you're betraying her but the best thing you can do for you, is to accept that she isn't coming back. It isn't healthy to cling to a dead person. Hinata would never hold it against you." Naruto shakes his head but Tsunade keeps a firm grip on his chin.
"I know it hurts and I know it feels wrong but you have to let go. Not of Hinata and all your memories, hold on to those forever. But you need to let go of the idea of her coming back alive. You can't waste your whole life waiting." She lets her stern expression melt away and speaks in a gentler tone.
"I'm sorry Naruto, I'm so sorry." Naruto nods, unable to speak. He squeezes his eyes shut and Tsunade, not exactly used to comforting someone, pulls him in for a hug. Annoying as she says he is, Naruto is family and her heart is breaking for him.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He stares at his ceiling and tries repeating Tsunade's words over and over again in his head.
You haven't done anything wrong.
It isn't healthy to cling to a dead person.
Hinata would never hold it against you.
I know it hurts and I know it feels wrong but you have to let go.
No matter how many times he says them, they still leave the same foul taste in his mouth.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
"You've given up." Ino's voice isn't accusing and yet he still feels like it is and he can feel his defenses rising.
"No." Even to his own ears the word lacks conviction.
"I understand." Ino's voice is sympathetic as she takes the seat beside him on the sofa.
"They've been gone so long; the chances of them still being alive are practically non-existent." Her words, though true and ones he's said to himself a hundred times still cut straight through him like a knife. She reaches for his hand, taking it between both of hers.
"But I won't give up. I can't." He nods and Tsunade's words play back in his head.
"I know you feel like you're betraying her but the best thing you can do for you, is to accept that she isn't coming back. It isn't healthy to cling to a dead person."
Ino's still clinging. And though he may be the healthy one, somehow she's the one able to function and he's the one drowning.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He has accepted his wife is dead.
Just thinking it feels like he is cutting out his heart. Everyone told him that with acceptance a great weight would be lifted. He'd feel better when he accepted it.
He doesn't.
He actually feels worse.
At least before he had hope to cling to. All he has now is the thought of a long, lonely life stretching out before him. Whoever thought that was comforting clearly needs a psych evaluation.
Speaking of psych evaluations, he's due for one in a few days. Well, really a therapist will sit down with him and try and determine how damaged Hinata's death has left him.
He's not sure he wants to know.
He's heard Ino is refusing to go to hers. He doesn't blame her. He's kinda tempted to ditch his too.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
The shrink, Goto Yuina, looks at him and he looks at her. She folds her hands in her lap and affects a concerned and sympathetic expression. He frowns and asks himself again why he showed up and didn't go for ice cream like Ino did. Oh that's right; he figured Hinata would have wanted him to. He finds it amazing that she can guilt him into things from beyond the grave, especially as she never guilt tripped while alive.
"Uzumaki-san," and her simpering tone really grates on his nerves. "I know this is a difficult time for you," Well I can see why they gave you a degree, "But you have to be willing to open up to me. I only want to help you." No, you only want to get paid. It just so happens that helping me is how you earn your wages.
"Why don't you start by telling me what Hinata meant to you." What did Hinata mean to me? She meant everything. She was my wife, my soul mate, my far better half. She was everything I'd ever wanted and needed and I wasted years not realizing it. But she waited. She waited for me and that's...that's...there aren't words for that. I didn't deserve her but I got her and I have spent every day trying to make her as happy as she makes me. She loved me before anyone else. She loved me when I was still desperately trying to show the world that I was worth it. Everyone needed me to give them a reason but she always had one, me. She loved me for me and saw all the potential no one else could.
I didn't fall in love with her overnight. I didn't wake up one day and just know she was the one. It was a slow burn, starting as far back as our first Chuunin Exams. And every day after I got to know her a little bit more. I got to admire her and respect her and like her a bit more every day. One day she was a shy weirdo and then she was my friend and then my good friend and then one of my best friends. And then she grew into more. One day she wasn't just a friend, one day I wanted this brilliant, brave, beautiful woman to be more than just my friend.
I don't regret a second I spent with her, just all the seconds I didn't. And she always knew how to fix me, to make me better. I need her now, but the reason I need her is because I don't have her. She's everything I've ever wanted. She's my future; all of my plans include her. I try and think of a future without her and I can't see it. I'm not alone, I have friends and family and I love them but they aren't her. I learned a long time ago that life only has meaning when you have people to share it with. My friends and family give my life meaning. My dreams are worth reaching because I have people standing beside me. Hinata was one of those people.
I have a Hinata shaped hole in my heart and no matter how much I love the others they can't fill it. No one can be Hinata. Their hand won't fit perfectly in mine. Their laugh won't sound the same. Their hair won't feel the same. They won't say just the right thing and they won't make my head spin just by looking at me. No one can be her. Because she was unique and incredible. She was brave and beautiful and smart and sweet and funny and adorable and compassionate and strong and sexy and kind and generous and silly and absolutely irreplaceable. I have always craved acceptance and Hinata was always chalk full off it. With her I could just be Naruto, no expectations and it was amazing.
She had the ability to brighten anyone's day. She was incredibly skilled but unbelievably modest. She glowed under praise but never fished for it. She was talented and selfless and always there when you needed her. She always listened and always knew what to do and you could always count on her. She was resourceful, determined and one hell of a cook. She was affectionate, enthusiastic and watching her in action always left me in awe.
She cried during the sad parts of movies even if she'd seen them a hundred times. She hummed when she cooked. She put little hearts around everyone's birthday in the calendar. She laughed out loud when she read a funny part in a book. She always licked all the icing off her cinnamon buns before she ate them. Her feet were always cold and she loved pushing them against my leg in bed and it was freezing. She liked flower pressing. Her favourite colour changed every time you asked her. She was always hungry right before bed. She loved to cuddle and dance and she sung the most ridiculous songs in the shower. She only got totally, completely drunk one time and it was her bachelorette party and she spent the night having a conversation with the ceiling lights. She still slipped into her stutter when she was flustered but only around her family. She still had moments when she felt weak and pathetic. She put disgustingly large amounts of sprinkles in her ice cream. She-
She did so many things and now she never will.
I can't sum her up. I can't. Hinata was too much to be summarized.
What does Hinata mean to me? She means more than I could ever say.
Naruto wakes up from his internal monologue to see his therapist watching him with faux concern. She nods encouragingly in his direction and he stands from his chair. She tilts her head in confusion.
"Where are you going?" He leaves without a word.
To talk to someone who actually knew Hinata.
Someone who understands what losing Hinata is actually like.
This time he doesn't hesitate when he reaches Shino's door.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
The world is now a funny place. While everyone recognizes Ino as the poor girl who just can't accept that her man is dead and never coming home, Naruto is regarded as an even more dramatic character. He is the epitome of the sadness brought about by life as a ninja. People he's never even spoken to will watch him on the street, shaking their heads and commenting to their friends.
how sad
they were such a lovely, happy couple
how tragic
so young
I wonder if he'll ever recover
he gave up too soon
at least he's being realistic, unlike that Yamanaka girl
he probably doesn't even miss her
he looks so broken
he'll be fine
he'll never love again
he'll remarry
he's so young to be a widower
he'll find someone else
he'll be alone forever
I hear he's sleeping with that pink haired medic
he's already moved on
I feel so bad for him
they were perfect together
They think they're being quiet and discreet but he hears every word. Mostly he ignores it but there are some that can still make his blood boil.
I hear he's sleeping with that pink haired medic
he's already moved on
he probably doesn't even miss her
Hot fury licks his insides at their words, burning him top to bottom and even the heartbreak that tugs at him at every turn fades in the red haze that clouds his mind. How dare they, how dare they, accuse him of not caring, of not missing her. He misses her every second of every day, sometimes he can barely breathe he misses her so much. He feels so angry he's afraid he'll burst, lash out with all the pent up feelings crashing around inside him.
They don't understand anything. They don't understand how much she means, meant, no means, to him. They don't understand the struggle he faces every day, trying to hold on to a life that is missing one of its key components. The insinuation that he's glad she's gone makes him so angry he can barely think. Just because he's accepted she isn't coming home doesn't mean he likes it. Because he doesn't.
He hates it.
It's a miracle that he manages to reign in his temper, manages to keep himself from exploding. He never acts, even though he so desperately wants to.
Sakura is nowhere near as forgiving.
At first she bites her tongue, cracks her knuckles but that's all. And then they hear the accusation of their wild affair and how they're probably secretly rejoicing in Hinata's disappearance and she snaps. She lays into that unfortunate civilian, her words far deadlier than her fists and she reduces them to tears. From that point on, she never stands for it. The verbal beat downs and public shamings are her constant weapons and he knows it's taking all her self-control not to get physical with idiots and their harsh assumptions. Naruto is her friend and so is Hinata and no one gets to talk about them that way and get away with it.
He is grateful for her support and that someone is setting people straight. He never does and he's afraid of losing control if he tries.
Naruto is trying hard to move on with his life. Her memory is still a fresh wound on his heart but he's trying. Their words pull him back down, dragging him away from the progress he makes. Sakura promises that with time he will be the way he used to be. Depression is a perfectly common and acceptable reaction to losing your wife. But eventually, that depression will fade and he will be the Naruto everyone else remembers.
He hopes she's right.
The Naruto he is now is so depressing it just ends up making him even more depressed than he already was.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
The memorial is tomorrow.
It's official. It's no longer just an assumption. Inuzuka Kiba. Akamaru. Uzumaki Hinata. All three have officially been pronounced dead. There's no more clinging to the thought that they're just missing in action, that they're just waiting to be found. It's over.
Ino won't go, she refuses to give up. He can't decide whether he admires her faith and resolve or if he pities her for being so stuck in the past.
He'll be going and even though he will and even though he tells himself he's accepted that they're dead, his heart's still pulling in the opposite direction. He feels like a weight is crushing down on him. He's suffocating. The memorial looms over him and he's torn between accepting it as the next logical step or decrying it as the ultimate betrayal. Why is everything so complicated? At least when he lost Jiraiya, he had straight up confirmation that he'd died. As implausible as it is, there's always the chance that Hinata is still out there, that's she fighting to come home. He could help her, maybe she's waiting for rescue, maybe she still believes he's coming for her. What if she's being held prisoner somewhere, holding tight to her faith in him? What if she's injured and dying, calling out to him to save her? What if he's abandoning her?
He can barely sleep at night and these are the nightmares that plague him. That she isn't as dead as they all say. That she could be here if only they'd help. That they're leaving her in some sort of hell. No one managed to find her but that doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean she isn't hidden away somewhere secret. He knows that he could never forgive himself if she were still out there. If they found her, years from now, he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Sometimes, in the dark of night, he wishes they could find a body, at least then he'd know, at least then he wouldn't spend every second agonizing about his betrayal.
The world is a truly messed up place if he spends his nights wishing his wife's corpse would turn up.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He gets up and leaves his apartment, the whole place screaming of her and he can barely take it, he can barely breathe. He grabs a jacket on his way out, almost tripping over his shoes in his haste. The cool air outside hurts his lungs but it works as a fabulous distraction against the pain in his head.
He's drifting, broken and empty and alone and he tries so hard to pull himself together every day but he can't seem to manage it. He spent so long being alone, you think loneliness would feel natural but he's realized that after experiencing what it feels like to have someone, to not be alone, he can never go back. And he isn't alone, not really, he has friends, family, and his brain knows it but his brain and his heart seem incapable of communicating as of late. He sees her everywhere, hears her, smells her, but it isn't her, of course not and he knows it but God everything still hurts so much. He tells himself he'll get better. After the memorial, when time has passed, he'll be able to function like a normal person. He's drowning, he's floundering, but sooner or later he'll remember how to swim. This won't beat him, it won't win, he'll get better, someday, maybe, sooner or later. It takes time. Hinata would want him to get better, to live life and not just the half-awake life he's been living without her. He's going to be strong, if not for himself, then at least for her. He could never bear to let her down. His life isn't over, it just feels that way.
He kicks the dirt on the road, stuffs his hands in his pockets and tries with everything he is to think of anything but her. The streets are almost empty, only a few people wandering by and those that recognize him shake their heads in pity. He is a walking tragedy, and he feels their sympathy like hooks in his skin, pulling him in a million different directions.
He walks with no actual purpose, aimlessly allowing his feet to lead him. He tries to keep his mind empty, tries to keep from thinking anything, but it doesn't work, it never works. His head's like a game of ping pong, thoughts bouncing all around but he keeps trying to force them away, because Uzumaki Naruto never gives up and he isn't about to start now. His feet keep him moving onward and when he finally looks up, face scrunched up in concentration, he sees that he has wound up outside Ino's building.
He isn't sure why his feet brought him here, what he hopes to find inside. He trudges in anyway, nothing better to do, maybe he simply hopes to find out if the old saying is true, if misery really does love company. He drags himself up the steps, trying to plan out something to say to her that won't sound completely and utterly pathetic. He doesn't manage it but none of that matters when he reaches her floor, a sound hitting his ears that's so foreign he's pretty sure he's imagining it.
Laughter.
There's no denying it. Someone is laughing and very happily too. It's the type of laughter Naruto hasn't heard in ages. And then something about that laugh stops him in his tracks. He recognizes it. It's been a lifetime but he knows...it's Ino. Bright and musical, full of bubbles and joy, it's her, it has to be.
But why would Ino be laughing? And why would she sound so happy? Before he can even start to puzzle it out, his thoughts are interrupted by the person laughing with Ino. Their laugh is deeper and clearly male and clearly...Kiba? He rounds the corner in a mad dash, desperation clawing it's way inside him. He freezes, stops and there they are. Kiba and Ino, smiling, laughing, arms around each other. He feels like he's tumbled into a dream. Kiba is here. Kiba is alive. That means...
Naruto is gone and running, faster than he ever has; hope beating an almost forgotten rhythm inside his chest
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He nearly breaks his front door when he crashes through it. His eyes survey the room in painful anticipation but it is dark and empty. He moves like lighting, calling her name, flying though the living room, stumbling through the kitchen, smashing open the bathroom door. The bedroom is all that remains and the anticipation wars against the more painful emotions that threaten to tear him open. His hand is sweaty as it closes on the doorknob. He takes a deep breath, hope and fear swelling in equal size in his cluttered mind.
He twists the handle, pushes open the door and comes face to face with the occupants of their bedroom.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
No one.
That's who greets him on the other side of the door. The room is empty just like every other in his house.
The breath leaves his body and he stumbles back, his hand recoiling from the door as if burned. He falls against a wall and slides down to the floor.
He should have known better but he didn't. He allowed himself to hope and now he pays the ultimate price.
Shino came home.
Kiba came home.
Hinata didn't.
Whatever remained of his heart breaks and he cries. He'd been saying he wanted confirmation, well now he has it. He wishes he didn't.
He holds his head as he cries, gasping and heaving, the whole world falling away.
He is alone. She's dead. And he can finally say that she's never coming back.
"Naruto-kun!"
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He freezes and his head jerks up, expecting to see no one there, having hallucinated the excruciatingly sweet tones of her voice.
She is dead she is dead her memorial is tomorrow she is dead SHE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE
She is standing in the doorway, filthy dirty, clothes torn and blood stained. Her hair is tangled and she's in desperate need of a shower. She is an absolute mess.
She is the most beautiful thing in the world.
He stands on shaky legs, afraid to blink. Tears spill over her cheeks and her lips tremble and his brain still can't process what's going on. And then his body takes charge, tired of waiting and leaps over the couch, colliding with her and crashing them both into the wall.
And he looks at her photograph and prays to God it won't be the only way he gets to see her face.
He breathes her in, breathes her in like a drowning man desperate for air. She smells like dirt and blood and sweat and underneath it all is that Hinata-smell, the specific scent that only she carries. He feels like a drug addict, high on Hinata. She sobs into his shoulder and he cries too, his arms pulling her as close as possible. She clutches the back of his jacket and they stay there, sobbing and clinging, leaning against the wall. There's a million words crowding up his brain I love you i missed you thank god you're okay thank god thank god thank god i thought i lost you sorry sorry sorry i gave up i love you i love you i love you what happened how are you here i love you but none of them are enough, none of them can convey everything he feels. He settles for holding her, hoping his feelings simply bleed into her.
Her knees buckle and he falls with her and then they're just a conjoined mess on the floor. He pulls back and cups her face, devourers every inch with his eyes, taking in everything he'd thought he'd lost. And though they're both crying like idiots, Naruto smiles for the first time since the day she didn't come home.