kuromisa – 'black mass'
iv.
You meet him when you're just seventeen; he's tall and lithe and brilliant and you've never seen anything more beautiful in your life. For as long as you can remember you've seen the world in shades of grey but he—he is bright red. He is blood on snow, he is audacity and red wine.
You smile when you learn his name: Raito—how fitting.
iii.
You take to writing.
You're not that good but it's something to pass the time. Reading is boring and work is hard and you don't want to think about the present or the past or the future so you make things up. You like fantasy best—you always loved playing princesses and dragons.
You write on your sister's paper in red ink. Your writing is messy because you haven't written in months but the kanji are still visible.
Once upon a time,
There was a princess who lived with her father the king and her mother the queen, and they all lived in a beautiful palace and the princess had everything she could ever want.
But one day an assassin killed the king and queen and the princess was left all alone in the castle; and ivy began to grow over the entire palace, trapping the princess inside.
xvi.
You lie with your head on Raito's shoulder and you've never been happier—because he's never let you do this before. He's smiling.
"I knew you'd understand, love." You say, and he understands, but he doesn't say anything; and that's okay.
vii.
Once upon a time there was a princess locked away in a palace, she had no parents and nothing in the world.
But a handsome prince came to save her, he pulled her on the back of his white stallion; and her blonde hair blew in the wind and things weren't in black and white anymore.
v.
You're a national treasure, they use your face to sell lipstick and shoes and you smile with your pretty white smile and flip your lovely blonde hair and kiss your pretty boyfriend and everything is just fine.
Sometimes you wonder if he loves you as much as he says he does—of course he does of course he does why wouldn't he love you of course he loves you
viii.
You hate Kiyomi from the moment you meet her. She goes to Raito's university. She is silky hair and expensive wine and sophistication and you hate her god do you hate her
You hate the way Raito holds conversation with her and how he doesn't roll his eyes or talk to you like you're stupid like he does with you.
xvii.
Raito looks at you through wisps of smoke and he looks at you like he's never looked at anyone else with love and adoration—he'd never look at Kiyomi like that or his friend Yamamoto like that or his co-worker Ryuzaki like that because he doesn't love them they're just a classmate, a friend and a colleague respectively and everything is fine.
You think he looks like a movie star with the smoke framing his pretty face and thank God he's red again
You take another puff so you can see him some more.
ix.
You're paranoid and you know you're being foolish because he tells you that you are and yes Kiyomi is just his friend they talk work in that hotel room late at night and no he and his friend Yamamoto aren't 'too close' and he tripped and fell the other night and that's why he has a bruise on his neck
xii.
You hate Ryuzaki the most, you decide. Out of all of the people you're scared of he's the one who captivates Raito the most and you hate how Raito listens to every word he says. You hate him and you invite him over for dinner.
Powder in his food
easy
Too easy, you think, when his head slams into his plate and Raito screams and you scream too because Raito's not red anymore.
Food poisoning, they say at his funeral.
ii.
The only red you can remember is your parents blood and you remember coming home and seeing red so much red oh my god there shouldn't be this much and you knew something was wrong
Mommy and daddy are dead on the ground and smiles are cut into their faces and there's red on mommy's nice red dress and you remember it was her favorite
The police show up four hours later and they have to pry you off daddy.
You remember how stiff and cold he was and you remember seeing mommy and daddy get up and ask you why you were crying do you want some medicine dear?
And you remember laughter and realizing it's yours and a blinding pain in your abdomen.
xi.
Once upon a time a King and Queen were married and ruled over their kingdom together, until an evil temptress took the king away…
xiii.
You need Raito's red back so you look for it with Kiyomi. Kiyomi is easy because she's weak and thin (all that dieting) and you kick her in the knees then again in the throat and she takes much longer than Ryuzaki because her heart just won't stop. The knife isn't working so you hit her head against the marble fireplace until her face has caved in where her bones have been crushed.
Raito once told you there were 5 litres of blood in the body and you never believed him until now.
You stuff her body into the river and burn your clothes.
x.
Raito never really did much when you fucked, he just lay there and rolled over and went to sleep after you were done.
He's just more submissive, you think.
xviii.
The Police arrest you as soon as they find you—and tried and found guilty but you aren't sent to jail—no you're going to hospital because you're sick and they're going to make you better.
The walls are white and the bed is white and part of you knows you'll never see red again. You'll never see Raito either—he's waiting for you back home.
xv.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with a pretty white smile and lovely blonde hair. She was married to a prince who was blood on snow, audacity and red wine. He was perfect. They were very happy.
When the princess was expecting a baby
She sneaked into the prince's room
and slit
his fucking
perfect
throat
xiv.
Raito was going to leave—you had to—you take the ornament off the mantelpiece (the same place where you slammed Kiyomi's head again and again and again) he didn't want you or a baby, but you needed him and so did the thing in your belly and you swung and he fell and the impact felt good.
You cut lines in his cheeks and across his throat with your nail scissors for good measure. You prop him on the bed like a doll and lean against him. Tears fill your eyes because of the smell of death but you're okay.
You see red again.
You imagine growing over the two of you and trapping him in place because you know they'll take him away from you.
xvii.
You lost the baby. You're not surprised.
xix.
You think of black in the white room.
More specifically—Raito's funeral. His mom and sister and maybe his dad would cry, his friends would cry too, he had lots of friends, he was popular in life and death. They wouldn't want to see you. Your fault his dead. They never liked you, they'd say.
You think of the headlines about the idol who went mad and killed three people.
You remember kissing his cold lips and missing the feeling of his hot breath against your mouth.
i.
"Misa-chan, you can be anything!" your mother tells you, she has your pretty white smile and lovely blonde hair, "you're kind and loving, I know you can live a happy life, Misa-chan."
She's telling you not to make the mistakes she did.
You promise you won't.