Of Insecurities and Imperfections
Disclaimer: I own nothing.... if I did they would all either be dead or in some perilous situation. Be thankful I don't own them.
Alex sat on the bathroom sink, peering into the mirror at herself. She stared at the raised scar on her neck in distaste. The memories... what she needed was something to cover it up. Maybe if she covered it up, the memories would go away as well. She thought for a moment and then she remembered that stuff that Lexa was using this morning when she had been putting on her make-up. Concealer, she had called it. It was in a small bottle. She opened up the cabinet door. Now if only she could find it....... she rummaged through the cabinet for a moment. Aha! The small girl pulled out the bottle in triumph. She poured some onto her hand and placed it on her throat and then wrinkled her nose. She could still see her scar. She poured about half of the remaining amount into her hand and placed all of it on her throat. Now it was all goopy and she felt icky. She tried rubbing it in but there was too much. And it didn't even hide the scar properly. She wanted to look normal, not like some monster out of a bad horror movie. Frustrated she grabbed a towel, and wiped off the makeup.
Maybe Lexa or Shalimar had a scarf she could borrow. She would ask Shalimar first. If that didn't work she would ask Lexa, but only as a last resort. Lexa could be downright scary sometimes.
She shook herself out of her thoughts and made her way to Shalimar's room. She found the feral lounging on her bed reading Leaves of Grass.Alex walked slowly into the room, trying to sneak up on her sister. She was surprised to get to the bed and Shalimar didn't even look up-- or down, rather-- at her. She reached up and tapped the wall that was below her sisters cave-like bed.
Shalimar leaned over the side of the bed and peered at her. "Yes Alex?"
~You knew I was coming didn't you?~
Shalimar smiled. "Yes I did."
~Did you borrow that book from Brennan?~
"Yes. But that's not what you wanted to ask me was it?"
The child shook her head. ~Do you have a scarf i could borrow?~
"No honey, I don't. I'm sorry."
Alex reached her arms up toward Shalimar for a hug. Shalimar grabbed the girl and picked her up in her arms and hoisted her onto the bed.
"Now, what do you need the scarf for?"
Alex sighed heavily as if she had the weight of the entire world on her little shoulders. ~You and Lexa are pretty and don't have a scar. But I have this ugly scar and I wanted to hide it so I could be pretty too.~
Shalimar frowned and wrapped her arms around Alexandra and held her close. "You are a very beautiful girl Alex, both on the outside and the inside."
~How can I be beautiful on the inside?~
"Well, your actions speak for your beauty on the inside, at least partly. Remember when you made a sandwich for Adam yesterday?"
~Yes, because he hadn't eaten anything.~
"Well thinking about other people and having compassion for them is part of having beauty on the inside."
~Oh," Alex signed, laying her head on Shalimar's shoulder. ~Thank you Shalimar. I'm going to go see Brennan now.~
"Okay sweetheart," Shalimar said, giving the girl a kiss before helping her down from the bed.
Alex ran off, and Shalimar shook her head, the frown still on her face. She was beginning to fear that Alex would never accept herself. And if that didn't happen, Shalimar worried about what consequences that would have down the road. Her self-esteem could be affected-- or rather, was already affected. Years of her family making her think she was nothing had done its job. She constantly worried about whether they were happy or not with her actions, and at almost nine years old, she shouldn't have to have that burden on her shoulders. And when they praised her for something done right she looked like a deer caught in headlights... the first time anyone had praised her at Sanctuary the child had not known what to do. They had had to teach her how to take compliments!
Shalimar's body stiffened in anger and her eyes glowed. She shook her head and took a few deep breaths, calming herself. That was in the past. Alex was getting better now, and had a new family that loved her and cared for her. Once she was calm enough she began to read again, refusing to get stuck in the past.
Alex walked down the hall and went to her room, grabbing her teddy bear off of her bed. She then headed to Brennan's room where she found him doing military style push-ups.
"Come in and have a seat Ace," he called to her without looking up.
The little girl didn't have to be told twice. She ran to him and carefully sat down on his back. It was a tradition of sorts between them it seemed. She would often come into his room and sit on his back while he did push-ups.
"4...5...6," Brennan counted of as he did his push-ups.
Alex lightly tapped him on the back of the head, trying to get his attention. He didn't even notice.
"7...8...9..."
Tap. Tap. Tap. Brennan focused on his reps and didn't respond. She would have to wait to talk to him.
"10...11...12..."
Alex poked him this time. He still didn't pay attention. She began to get irritated.
"13...14..."
Poke. Poke. Poke. Brennan gave a little grunt as he pushed himself up off of the ground. He didn't pay attention to the incessant poking.
"15...16...17..." he counted out.
She started slapping him over the head. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! As she raised her hand for the fourth hit Brennan rolled over and wrapped his arms around her and held her.
"What?!" He asked her in a half-shout.
~Am I pretty?~
"What?" This time he sounded bewildered.
~Am I pretty? Like Shalimar and Lexa?~
"Ohhhh uh... well...." he spluttered as he sat up and wrapped his arms aoynd her and held her on his lap. "Yeah all girls are pretty... what even brought this on?"
She pointed to her scar. ~I'm ugly.~
"Because of your scar?"
She nodded at him and he sighed. "Move kiddo, let me show you something."
She hopped up, and Brennan pulled off his muscle shirt, revealing a few scars. Alex cocked her head to the side and looked at him oddly. He wasn't afraid of people seeing his scars? Why? Why didn't he try to hide them?
She didn't realize she had signed the questions until Brennan answered them. "Because I'm not ashamed of them." He pointed to a scar on his side. "I got stabbed in a street fight. In another street fight I got cut with a peice of glass here," he said, pointing to his shoulder.
~Why aren't you ashamed?~
"Because Ace, these are battle scars. They are proof of my past, and they are proof that I am a survivor. And so is your scar. You went through something horrible and you survived."
"You got those in fights. It's not the same.~
"You're right, it isn't. Because it wasn't my father trying to kill me, it was a gang member. And I wasn't as hurt as you were, but the principle is the same, kiddo. And yes, you are a survivor. He slit your throat and left you for dead--" here Alex flinched "--but you were strong enough to go for help. You are a survivor Alex," he said fiercely.
"You know how you always call us your heroes?" Brennan asked. Alexandra gave a small nod. "Well you know what Alex? You're my hero. And don't you ever forget it."
Alex hugged him and he hugged her back, holding her close for a moment before realizing what time it was. "Alex, it's time to get ready for bed. Go take your bath and get into some pajamas."
The girl nodded and left the room, running down the hall. He shook his head, grinning. The girl was odd. Most children her age didn't like taking a bath, yet she loved them. He shook his head again and got himself ready for bed. Ten or fifteen minutes later, the little girl came running into the room, clad in her lilac pajamas.
"Alright, come on Ace," he said lifting her up into his arms. "Honey, why is your hair still damp?"
~I hate the hair dryer.~
Well that answered that question, as only an eight year old could, he thought, grinning. He set her in his bed and tucked her in. Then he sat next to her and she cuddled up to him, eagerly awaiting a story or a poem. He wrapped his arms around her, and made sure she was comfortable before beginning his tale. "Well okay let's see.... long ago in a land far away from here, there lived a beautiful Princess named Alexandra... she has a nice name doesn't she Alex?" Getting no reply, Brennan looked over at the child in his arms, only to find that she had already fallen asleep.
He smiled and lifted her up into his arms and carried her into her room. Someone had already pulled her covers back, and Brennan lay her in the bed and covered her up. He crept back to his room and grabbed her teddy bear, knowing she would wake up and be distressed if it wasn't there. He placed the bear in the little girls arms and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. Her insecurities were still there, buried underneath the surface. And they would probably all have to deal with them again, but they wouldn't torment her, at least not tonight.