Not in This World
For the second time in two days Michonne woke with a start and covered in sweat. She looked over at Rick who was laying on his back sleeping soundly. Without disturbing him, she slipped out of bed and went downstairs for a glass of water. She sat down on a barstool at the kitchen counter and mulled over what was eating her. The possibility of having another child was never an issue until now. She was in love and would have half a dozen of Rick's children if the world was not this world. She hadn't discussed this with Rick yet, but her own feelings were strong regarding the subject.
Looking back, Andre had been a difficult birth which made him more precious to her than she ever could have imagined, and she loves Carl and Judith with her whole heart. Raising those two in this world is truly a challenge, but they are already here, and need full attention from both her and their father. She closed her eyes and covered them with her hands. She needed to talk this out with Rick now, or face many more sleepless nights.
"Hey."
She smiled at that deep voice that in the early morning sounded like smooth gravel. She opened her eyes to Rick standing across the counter from her. He looked like he had been sleeping deeply and suddenly woke up. His head was covered with his soft curls, and a mass of them all over his forehead. He was bare chested, in pajama bottoms, and had a slight frown on his face. He didn't ask her if she was okay because clearly he could see she wasn't.
"It's 3 a.m. Michonne, what's wrong?"
She smiled at him, grateful he felt her so strongly.
"I need to talk to you. Do you feel up to it right now?" She asked slipping down from the barstool.
"Sure." He said. Even though he was tired and would have rather gone back to bed, she obviously needed to talk.
He walked closely behind her into the living room. He loved looking at her bare legs, and at first thought it was silly of her wearing the top to his pajamas, but the way she looked in it, his opinion quickly changed.
"What are you doing up?" She asked taking his hand before sitting down.
"Your nose itches, I sneeze." He said sleepily smiling. He sat down beside her and stretched out putting his bare feet on the coffee table. He rested his head on the couch cushion and closed his eyes. "What's on your mind and am I in trouble?"
She laughed sadly and shook her head.
She positioned herself, folding her legs in front of her so he could see her face.
"You know I love you." Her statement was a fact and not a question.
He opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at her.
"Yes I know." He said seriously. "What's wrong?" He asked again.
"I want to know what you think about the possibility of us having a baby."
He sat up and looked at her curiously, sensing a deep sadness in her. He thought about her statement a few beats before speaking.
"Are you pregnant?" He asked quietly.
Mishonne shook her head waiting for his response.
"Well, I have thought about it, then I thought about how Lori died in child birth. I wouldn't want to go through that again or put you through the possibility of that."
"But there's a doctor at Hilltop." She said looking at him.
"With limited equipment and no staff or even back up should something go wrong."
Tears welled up in his eyes, and he waited before he could even speak.
"It was hard taking care of Judith while we were on the road. I was blessed with a lot of help with her, but I felt so sorry for her; never enough to eat, no water, and how I felt when we thought she was dead."
He laid his arm across her folded legs, and looked into her eyes and smiled sadly.
"The one thing in our favor is that we have a home for right now. Michonne, if you want a baby for us, you know I'm all in either way."
"That's just it, I don't want to have another child." She said firmly.
He looked down at her and gently lifted her chin up. He wanted to look in her eyes again.
"I thought the world before was no place for children. Then I had Andre and my view changed. He was everything to me, but I never wanted to have any more. I was about to have my tubes tied, but the outbreak came on so fast."
They both sat quietly together. Rick held on to Michonne's hand looking out the window to the empty lot across the street. Rick loved the idea of the two of them having children, but this was not the time, and that decision was not his. He feared for Carl and Judith every day. He knew that he and Michonne could take care of another child, but it would not be without the possibility of more heartache.
"What do you want to do Michonne? Do you want to get that done now?"
She nodded as tears fell from her eyes.
"We'll go to Hilltop later this morning." He said wiping the tears from her cheeks. She moved his hand from her face because more tears were coming.
She smiled at him sadly with trembling lips.
"What is it?" He said
"I want to have your children Rick, I do very much, but not in this world, knowing that everyone is infected and everyone will eventually turn. We're not even sure how long we'll be in this place. It's not fair."
He pulled her into his arms.
"No its not. Fairness checked out a long time ago."
He pulled her from him and stroked her cheek with his index finger.
"Thank you." He said looking into her eyes.
"For?"
"For loving me enough to even consider having a baby with me in this madness." He said sadly smiling at her.
"More than you deserve?" She managed to joke through her tears.
He laughed.
"Absolutely, and besides, don't you think we have our hands full with Carl and Judith?"
Before she could answer, they heard Judith calling to them.
"What is she doing up?"
"Beth told me once that she believed Judith could sense people's mood."
Rick nodded.
"I believe it."
"I'll go." Michonne said getting up from the couch. She leaned down and gave him a kiss. "Thank you."
"For what?" He asked curiously.
"For being who I need, when I need."
"I'm taking that as a compliment, but you know that makes me sound like I have a multiple personality disorder."
"In you my love, it's not a disorder, it's a lifestyle." She said turning to him with that smartass attitude he loves.
He had to laugh thinking if he were to be evaluated by a doctor, he would undoubtedly be committed. He got up and turned off the light. He then went and stood in front of the window looking out to the street in front of their house. Not too long ago all of Alexandria was full of walkers, right before that the wolves. He loved children, and thought what better way for two people to show their love than to have children, but this was not the time. Maybe, in the not too distant future, things will change, but for them, a window of opportunity did not exist.
Rick went back upstairs to go back to bed. He passed by Judith's room and found Michonne and Judith asleep in the rocking chair. He stepped into the room and kissed them both. Michonne opened her eyes smiling. Rick took the sleeping Judith from her and put her back into her crib. He took Michonne's hand and gently led her to their room.
"I thought we should start for the Hilltop early so we can get back before dark." Rick said climbing into bed.
"That's fine. I was thinking we should take Judith and Carl to see Dr. Carson as well."
"Of course." Rick said yawning and nearly asleep before finishing his sentence.
Michonne smiled and sat on the bed admiring how quickly he could fall asleep.
An hour later, she was still awake mulling over her decision. Her decision was for the best, it had to be. Looking at the way things were; Maggie having her precious Hershel, Sasha and Abraham planning a family, you would think circumstances were ideal, but she knew for a fact that things could change quickly in the world they now lived in, and her first priority was to Rick, Carl and Judith.
Michonne looked out the bedroom window and noticed it was dawn and she still hadn't slept. Without delaying any further, she got up and dressed for a quick jog around Alexandria before her family got up. After her jog, she walked passed the guard tower as Sasha was coming off her shift.
"You're up and out early." Sasha said walking over to Michonne.
"Yeah, couldn't sleep."
"Something wrong?" Sasha said now walking with Michonne.
"Are you and Abraham still planning on having children?"
Sasha was a little shocked by Michonne's question. The two of them got along, but were never really friends, so Sasha was surprised at the personal question.
"Yeah, sometime soon. Are you and Rick?"
"No." Michonne said with a sigh.
"But you want to."
"Yeah, but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it."
"We believe that eventually things will change, and we want our children to be there to help mold things."
Michonne nodded really thinking about what Sasha said.
"We're going to the Hilltop this morning, do you need anything?"
"No, tell Maggie hello for us, and kiss little Hershel for me."
"Will do." Michonne said crossing the street to her house.
When she stepped into the house, Rick had started breakfast, and Carl and Judith were at the table.
"Good morning Grimes family!" Michonne said first kissing Rick and then the children.
"How was your run?" Rick asked looking tired.
"It was good. The weather was nice and cool."
"You didn't get back to sleep did you?"
She shook her head and grabbed a piece of bacon.
"I wonder how big little Hershel is now?" Carl asked tearing into his breakfast.
"I don't know, but bigger than the last time we saw him." Michonne said smiling.
"Well, eat up everyone, I want to leave in about 30 minutes." Rick said sitting down at the table.
"Why are we going to the Hilltop?" Carl asked drinking down his apple juice.
Michonne and Rick looked at each other and then Rick went back to his breakfast. Michonne knew that look meant she was to answer Carl's question.
"We all need checkups." She said enthusiastically.
"Dad, do you think you getting a checkup is wise?"
Rick looked over at Carl curiously.
"With the abuse your body has gone through, Dr. Carson may find you shouldn't be getting around as well as you do, and might prescribe permanent bed rest."
They all laughed.
"He might at that." Rick said truly enjoying his family, and wouldn't mind having three more like those two.
When they arrived at the Hilltop, Maggie heard they were coming through the gate and ran out of Barrington House to meet them. She was carrying little Hershel and handed him to Michonne and then hugged her. She walked over to Rick and hugged him and picked up Judith to hug her.
"Why didn't you tell me you were comin'?" Maggie asked. "Hey Carl."
"Well, by the time a message got to you, we'd be here." Rick said taking Hershel from Michonne.
"We just decided last night. I need to see Dr. Carson."
"Is everything alright?"
"Just a checkup." Michonne said.
"After you see him, come on up to the house, I'll make some lunch."
Michonne nodded and Maggie turned and walked with the kids to the mansion.
"Do you need me to come with you?" Rick asked.
"No, I'm good. You haven't talked to Maggie in a while."
"Okay, send someone for me if you need me."
"Michonne?" Dr. Carson greeted her.
"I'm sorry I don't have an appointment." She said smiling.
"Who does these days? It's good to see you again. Is everything alright?
Rick and Maggie watched Judith playing with baby Hershel.
"Is everything alright with Michonne?" Maggie asked pointedly.
Rick pulled his gaze from the playing children and looked at Maggie.
"She's not sick if that's what you mean."
"Is she pregnant?" Maggie squealed with a giant smile on her face.
Rick looked at Maggie in awe at how if you're not sick, you must be pregnant.
"No. She doesn't want to have any more children."
"How do you feel about it?"
"Whatever she wants. I'm not a woman, so I don't know what it takes to go through it, especially now."
Maggie looked at him through squinted eyes.
"It seems like you're conflicted and feelin' somethin' different about it."
"I just want her to be happy Maggie, and if that means no children for us, I stand with her. I can't have feelings for children we don't have. So if Michonne doesn't want any more children, that's completely up to her."
Maggie looked at Rick and smiled.
"Do you want more children?"
"With Michonne, yes I do, but not if she has even one doubt about it."
Maggie looked at little Hershel and Judith playing, Rick watched Maggie and noticed the sadness in her eyes.
"How have you been Maggie?" Rick said quietly.
Maggie smiled sadly and looked at the ring Glenn gave her.
"I miss him every day. I wake up sometimes lookin' for him."
She finally looked at Rick with tears in her eyes.
"I feel like I've been cut in two and one half's missin'."
Rick stood and walked over to Maggie and pulled her up from her chair.
"I wasn't going to cry." She said looking at Rick through angry tears.
"You go right ahead, I'm right here." Rick said holding her in his arms.
Sadly Rick understood what she was feeling. A hurt so bad, you simply can't cry hard enough or loud enough to get it out. Michonne told him once that only the loss of a child surpasses this kind of loss. For Maggie's sake, he wanted to think that somehow, if only for a moment, he could be comforting to her the way her father would have been.
They heard Michonne's boots as she walked across the hard wood foyer floor to the large family room.
"Thanks Rick." Maggie said sniffing.
"Anytime Maggie." Rick said wiping the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs.
Michonne looked at Rick briefly and then blew a kiss to Judith.
"Maggie do you mind keeping an eye on Judith for bit?" Michonne asked as Rick led her from the room.
Maggie smiled remembering how connected Rick and Michonne are. Like she and Glenn had been.
"Is everything alright?" Rick asked Michonne once they were in the foyer of Barrington house.
She nodded absently before looking up at him.
"He offered some alternatives besides tying my tubes."
Rick looked at her blankly before commenting.
"Those alternatives sound like birth control. Am I right? I'm kinda out of my element here."
She had to laugh, but appreciated his interest.
"What do you want to do?" He said standing closer to her.
"I was thinking I would try some form of birth control?" She said with a questioning look.
"Okay." He said looking at her with the hint of a smile. "Are you sure?"
"Who knows, maybe one day we may want to have a baby." She said not sure of his reaction.
Rick nodded satisfied and somewhat relieved shifting his gaze up above her head and around at the foyer décor.
"Explain that look Rick." Michonne said knowing this man so well.
"I was hoping you wouldn't choose a permanent solution, but I also didn't want you to make a decision based on what I wanted. It's your body. What I want is that any decision regarding whether we have children or not will always be yours, and I'll support you in that decision. Deal?"
She smiled brightly and nodded.
"Deal."