This is our last night but it's late. I can feel your breath on my neck, you're asleep. You've had a long day, we both have. But, I'm trying not to sleep. I'm trying to stay awake, so that I can remember what this feels like. What we feel like. I want to take in everything about you. I want you to be mine, but for now I will settle for this. I know that you will never be mine, not that you know that yet.
Cause I know, when I wake. I will have to slip away. I will have to go, we have work but that won't matter. We can share a bed as many times, but eventually I'll have to slip away. When you find out, because you will find out. It's not something I want you to find out, but I know that you will. We will fight, and argue. I will tell you that it wasn't aimed at you, because it wasn't you. With Serena breathing down your neck, and Jac Naylor being Jac Naylor, you will never forgive me. For the moment though, I want to forget about this. I want to forget what is going to happen, sooner or later.
When the daylight comes I'll have to go, tonight I'm gonna hold you so close. I don't think we can be any closer. You have a hold on me, your hands lay on my stomach, keeping it warm. We are at your place, we don't need people talking. The clock stares back at me, 3:28. We have to be in for 8, but I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to miss a single second of this. After Cal, I didn't think we would be a thing again. I didn't mean for us to start sleeping together again, I don't think I can say your my boyfriend. We are sleeping together. I don't think I could get into a relationship with you. As much as I love you, I know what I've done to you. If this happened before 'rage in resus', I would have no problem with getting back with you. I fucking love you. Except I can't, and soon all I will be left with are these hickeys that litter my chest. They will fade, as you forget about what you saw in me.
And in the daylight we'll be on our own, alone. We won't be us anymore. We will be able to be civil with one another. We will be able to keep our cool, at least you will be. You will have every right to be angry at me. I won't be waking up to your face smiling down at me, I will go to bed on my own. It will be cold, and alone. NO matter how much I turn the heating up, I will still be cold. You will be going to bed on your own, you will sleep with a pillow in your arms for the first few weeks. That's what you told me you did the first time. I will lay there, intoxicated. We all know that I will go back to drinking and partying. I will be free. Except it doesn't feel freeing. I will regress back to my med school days, one night stand central. I will do it to block out all these emotions that I am feeling. To stop it hurting, alcohol and random sex will stop it hurting. My heart will hurt, more than it does now. I want to tell you, but I can't. I can't because I don't want this to end, you mean too much to me. For the moment, though, I want you to hug and kiss me. I want to take in every detail about you, if I do, it might not hurt as much.
Tonight, I need to hold you so close. I need you to hold me for as long as you can. I feel safe when I'm with you. It all came rushing back to me, when we slept together. The noises you make when you sleep, the way we lay together in a bed. Like a jigsaw. We fit into one another so perfectly, we aren't complete without one another. We are like a puzzle. This is us.
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out. It's the dawn of a new day, I know the alarm is going to go off soon. You will groan and roll over. My stomach will be cold. I will be cold. It will go off ten minutes later, and you will throw the cover off our bodies. Then I will be freezing. You will kiss me, and I will tell you to stop, I need to clean my teeth. You will laugh and we will share a shower. We probably will have sex, and you'll complain about being late. I will laugh and tell you that we could have just had a shower, as we are grabbing a cereal bar as we leave the flat. I will sing on the way to work, you will tell me that I can't sing. We will laugh about it. You will join in at some point. Then we will leave. You will go straight to the ED, and I will go to get a coffee.
Somebody slow it down. This is way too hard. I don't want this to end. The thought of not waking up to you every morning hurts. It really hurts. I don't know what I am going to do.
Cause I know one day, when the sun comes up and I will leave, this will be my last glance. You won't be able to look at me, and I won't be able to live with myself. I won't be able to look at you, and then someone will twig that I was the one that wrote the bloody article. It was never a dig at you, I never wanted to hurt you. It will hurt me, as it will hurt you. I knew it was a bad idea, us. We are toxic. It's like opening an old wound. We danced around one another enough times, and we had moments of happiness and then it stopped. Now we have it back, and I know one day, in the near future, this is going to end. That it will soon be memory.