Counting Heartbeats
Sirius was staring at Remus, and Remus was trying his best to ignore the other boy's advances. Being sixteen and hot for your best friend was one thing. Claiming you were in love with said person and trying to establish a relationship was something else entirely. Something Remus could not commit to. He would resist Sirius. Not because he found Sirius's love undesirable for himself, or even that he didn't return the burning passion that the other boy felt for him. No, he would hold himself aloof because he loved Sirius too damn much to give in.
Sirius cornered him in an empty classroom and demanded an explanation. Remus excused himself for class. Sirius locked them both in a broom cupboard and tried, again, to convince Remus of how much he loved him. Remus refused to even speak to Sirius until he was let out
Sirius refused to listen. He refused to stop. He wouldn't let up and Remus- Remus had had enough.
He told Sirius that he couldn't stand to see the proud, beautiful, wonderful man that was Sirius Black demean himself and forever ruin his future by chaining himself to a damaged man like Remus. He tried to make Sirius understand that by just being his friend, he had given Remus so much more than he could have ever dreamed possible.
But his words fell upon deaf ears.
Sirius came padding to Remus's bed late that night. He quietly opened the curtains, slipped in, and placed a silencing spell around them. Crawling up toward Remus's pillow, he traced the other boy's brow with one careful finger, down to his cheek and further down the soft, smooth column of his throat to his collarbone. Without meaning to, Remus's breath hitched, giving him away. Betraying his very much aware state to Sirius, who felt his chest tighten even as he continued to draw imaginary patterns all over Remus's shoulder.
Sirius's touch wouldn't cease. Remus's flesh jumped and danced underneath the delicate assault against his will. His hands clenched at his sides as he felt himself respond to ministrations he knew he should stop but had finally run out of the courage and will to even try.
Sirius began to speak softly. He whispered to Remus that he knew why Remus was refusing and that it didn't matter because Sirius had been formally disinherited. Sirius was not going to let anyone tell him how he felt, what he believed.
Sirius leaned close to Remus's ear and murmured, "Least of all will I allow anyone to tell me who I can and cannot love."
Sirius told Remus all these beautiful things even as his hands played along Remus's stomach, sides, and chest. As he finished talking, he leaned in and placed a chaste kiss to Remus's lips. As innocent as the kiss was, it in no way lacked the passion that colored everything Sirius did. Remus almost reached for him, but Sirius drew away, an unhappy look on his face. He told Remus that he was going back to his bed, that if Remus didn't come to him that night, he would understand and move on. He wouldn't blame Remus for not wanting someone who was as corrupted as Sirius. He should want someone who wasn't so unstable and untrustworthy.
Sirius lifted the silencing charm, and with a last gentle caress to Remus's cheek, he slipped between the curtains and returned to his bed.
Sirius left Remus alone to drown in all the words he should have said. He counted his heartbeats and realized that he didn't want to live out his life wondering if any of those pulses of life within him were at all meaningful.
Remus Lupin left his bed. He crossed the distance between his bed and Sirius's. He gave his heart a reason to beat.
A/N This story was based on this: Does a heart really have only so many beats in it? And if it did, would you wish to know the number? Would you let that determine the quality of your life?