Title: The Other Side of Loving Her
Author: Graballz
Summary: Spoilers for Episode 4x3 "Different Not Better". Sam's thoughts and reflections on their relationship after Andy walked away.
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue or any of the characters. I am not affiliated with the show, station, channel, or anything like that. I make no money from this.
Author's Note: This is written in a 'flow of consciousness' style. Sam's thoughts and reflections and everything we know he wanted to say after their conversation in the parking lot. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
He was getting better. Faster. Closer. Maybe one day soon, he would even be able to spit the words out. She said good night and started to walk away, and he called her back almost immediately. There had been a moment of panic in his chest that fluttered up and out of his mouth. For a split second, he had a moment of weakness that would have spilled out all of his innermost feelings to her. All of his innermost feelings about her.
And at the last second, all he could think about was her walking away.
So he held his tongue once more. He didn't blurt out that she is on his mind constantly. He didn't mention how his heart skips a beat when their eyes meet. He ignores how she's the only one who can make him irrationally angry because you can only get that emotional over someone you still have feelings for.
And then it hits him. He doesn't get irrational around Marlo.
He jumped all over Andy again, in front of everyone again, for doing her job. For doing the job he asked her to do. And it seems like, every time she opens her mouth, he looks for the worst, the part she overlooked, the mistake. Because...because she's a good cop. She's a great cop. And she's fearless and senseless and has a lion's heart and a protective streak that leaves any sense of self-preservation in the dust.
Because if she stops making mistakes, then maybe it means she's over him. And he's not sure he can bear that.
They both know she hasn't moved on. But they can pretend. And they both know he hasn't either, but as long as the boat isn't rocking, he will continue to bury his head in the sand. As long as she is safe from danger, he can stay aloof.
Marlo told him it was her idea to go after the gangster in the other neighborhood and how Andy wanted to go talk to the perpetrator who actually ended up being the one who committed those robberies. He listened, nodded thoughtfully, and told her she did a good job of being McNally's partner.
Then he realized he wasn't angry. She just told him it was her idea, the same idea he yelled at Andy for, and he could care less. Sure, he can tell himself it's because the case is solved, water under the bridge, and all that, but he knows himself too well for that.
Because...he doesn't feel for Marlo what he feels for Andy. And God, he doesn't want to feel for Andy anymore. He has been through the ringer more than enough. He's really, truly questioning whether his heart will survive this. Every day, he loses a little more faith that he will. Every day, he has to come to terms with losing her a little more. Because even though he lost her when she broke up with him, he hasn't let her go yet. He doesn't want to let her go, because he's fairly sure that there is nothing on the other side of loving her.