Author's Notes: If this offends you, please feel free to flame! This work
was inspired by my longing for women to be ordained and by all those people
who would condemn another for their beliefs. (Myself probably included.)
Also inspired by the "If the three wise men were women.." joke.
Feel free to constructively condemn me to Hell. (Constructive criticism) I probably won't listen to the likes of you anyway.
1 If the Bible was Written by Women
By Lumiale no Miko
If the Bible was written by women...
Lillith would have been kept in.
Adam would have gotten in more crap for eating the fruit. (Eve just GAVE him the fruit, she did not eat of it.)
There would be more angels mentioned. (More hot guys with swords.)
There would be female angels mentioned.
Lucifer/Satan would be constantly put in his place by a female attendant. (Think of Job...how Satan was boasting)
The number of Psalms would be reduced to 10. (Less praying, more do- gooding.)
The verses on money and possessions would be replaced with more verses on love and mercy. (Look in the King James Bible)
The slaughtering of the 180,000 man army by Uriel would be replaced with peaceful negotiations that ended with the bad guys leaving.
Goliath would have died instantly when David's stone hit him. (Without the sword bit.)
There would be no rape.
King Solomon would cut a papaya in half instead of a baby.
"The Angel of the Lord" or just "An angel" would be replaced with the angel's name. (Metatron, Raphael)
Mary Magdalene would be declared the 13th apostle. (Like she deserves.)
She would not be a prostitute.
Mary's "virgin pregnancy" would make sense.
The three wise men would be women...
...and would bring gifts that were ACTUALLY useful
Jesus would never curse any object or man. (Fruit tree, Judas)
Pilate would be given a better image and Ciaphas would be trashed. (Pilate wasn't the bad guy in this.)
The passion would be shorter.
They wouldn't waste all that paper on Jesus' dramatic death scene. (Just DIE already.)
Demons would have more lines of dialogue. (Any Anime fan will tell you that demons are cool, especially if they turn good later on.)
Judas would have asked for forgiveness, gotten it, and LIVED.
Jesus would be married. (God would understand us more.)
The word "God" would be replaced with "Daddy" or "Tetragrammaton"
Esther would have more stories and recognition.
Lot's wife would not become a pillar of salt.
They'd say that Jesus brought water with him into the desert so we don't pour over the mystery of how he survived.
The Holy Spirit would be female. (Like it should be.)
The "Acts of the Apostles" chapter would be changed to "The Acts of the Apostles including Mary"
And the No. 1 thing women would do...
Make it easy for men to understand.
Thank you for reading, please flame/comment/whatever. Yes, I know that last point was cheesy.
Feel free to constructively condemn me to Hell. (Constructive criticism) I probably won't listen to the likes of you anyway.
1 If the Bible was Written by Women
By Lumiale no Miko
If the Bible was written by women...
Lillith would have been kept in.
Adam would have gotten in more crap for eating the fruit. (Eve just GAVE him the fruit, she did not eat of it.)
There would be more angels mentioned. (More hot guys with swords.)
There would be female angels mentioned.
Lucifer/Satan would be constantly put in his place by a female attendant. (Think of Job...how Satan was boasting)
The number of Psalms would be reduced to 10. (Less praying, more do- gooding.)
The verses on money and possessions would be replaced with more verses on love and mercy. (Look in the King James Bible)
The slaughtering of the 180,000 man army by Uriel would be replaced with peaceful negotiations that ended with the bad guys leaving.
Goliath would have died instantly when David's stone hit him. (Without the sword bit.)
There would be no rape.
King Solomon would cut a papaya in half instead of a baby.
"The Angel of the Lord" or just "An angel" would be replaced with the angel's name. (Metatron, Raphael)
Mary Magdalene would be declared the 13th apostle. (Like she deserves.)
She would not be a prostitute.
Mary's "virgin pregnancy" would make sense.
The three wise men would be women...
...and would bring gifts that were ACTUALLY useful
Jesus would never curse any object or man. (Fruit tree, Judas)
Pilate would be given a better image and Ciaphas would be trashed. (Pilate wasn't the bad guy in this.)
The passion would be shorter.
They wouldn't waste all that paper on Jesus' dramatic death scene. (Just DIE already.)
Demons would have more lines of dialogue. (Any Anime fan will tell you that demons are cool, especially if they turn good later on.)
Judas would have asked for forgiveness, gotten it, and LIVED.
Jesus would be married. (God would understand us more.)
The word "God" would be replaced with "Daddy" or "Tetragrammaton"
Esther would have more stories and recognition.
Lot's wife would not become a pillar of salt.
They'd say that Jesus brought water with him into the desert so we don't pour over the mystery of how he survived.
The Holy Spirit would be female. (Like it should be.)
The "Acts of the Apostles" chapter would be changed to "The Acts of the Apostles including Mary"
And the No. 1 thing women would do...
Make it easy for men to understand.
Thank you for reading, please flame/comment/whatever. Yes, I know that last point was cheesy.