WARNING: Please note that this story is not a happy one that means no happy ending, AU, and do not read it when you're in a bad mood or were having a bad day!
Gluttony is a death sin for a reason.
The seven death sins: Gluttony
"Have ever felt the rush of adrenaline when you stand in front of hundreds of people and they're screaming your name? Wanting you? It's addicting and if you once felt like this you'll never let go again."
Shindou Shuichi, 19xx
******
The blood is pounding in my ears, sweat is trickling slowly down my temples and I drown in my music. My voice is raspy and I can feel the claws of exhaustion twitching in my bones and muscles. But I need to keep going since for them I'm everything and without them I'm nothing. I'm floating over the stage, drown myself into their screams and pleas. They love me. They all love me. And that's all I ever need.
The last accords of Hiro's guitar are lost in the hysterical cries of the crowd. I shout a final goodbye in the mic and get myself off the stage. I'm drained. My feet feel heavy and I can feel the beginning of a headache. That's just exactly what I need. Groaning I follow my band mates rubbing tiredly at my aching temples.
'Hey Shuichi, you okay?" Ever attentive Hiro spares me a worried side glance while dragging himself over to the changing room. "Yeah, just tired. That's all." Hiro nodded his understanding and vanished inside the changing room. "I'm going to get a glass of water." I shout into the room before making my way down the hall.
It's not a lie. I am thirsty but somewhere down the way it became a habit that I needed to be alone for awhile just after a concert. To get my bearings together. To let the rush of adrenaline pass. I stumble with some difficulty around the corner grabbing onto a lone chair to catch my breath as I reach the small bathroom at the end of the deserted corridor. After my head stops spinning I push the door open and enter the hopefully empty room. Looks like luck is on my side today. I check all the stalls to make sure nobody is in here to watch my doings.
A glance into the mirror shows a pale sweaty person. Much too thin looking in this tightly clad clothing. The face framed by pink hair although a bit longer now and slightly messy after the concert. The clothes weren't as bright and flashy as they used to be but I still wore a coat. Darker colors accent my bright blue eyes and my unusual hair color even more someone once told me. A sigh escapes my lips. I sure had changed over the months nobody could deny it.
When had I changed? Somewhere along the road I got off track and I didn't even realize it. Maybe my subconscious knew all along.
An innocent boy hoping for his dream to come true. What was left of that? Surely I had been to Japans and Americas biggest halls, concerts, galas, talk shows to no end. Bad Luck was the most famous band in Japan right after three years when everything started. Success brought a lot of advantages with it. Money, interesting people, fans, groupies, gifts, attention, and more. I had tried it all. All of them just to forget. To fill the emptiness in my heart where it lurks and waits to hurt me, to nag at me in the darkness of cold nights - alone in my too big bed. So I do all of this to avoid the cold, the loneliness. But it's getting harder with each passing day.
I think Hiro's suspecting what's wrong with me. At the beginning he tried to talk to me as I started to go overboard with my actions more often. I tried to cover it up with my usual bouncy cheerfulness but some time last year we had an argument and after that he resolved to simply watch me. They all watch me and I do my best to allure them that everything is fine that I'm a damn grown up man and not some little boy they have to watch over.
Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away here. You're confused now, ne?! Don't worry I'll tell you soon enough what happened to sweet little Shu-chan.
I push on the tap and I clean my face enjoying the cool water soothing my burning eyes. Do I sound bitter to you? Maybe I am. I mean I got everything I craved since I was a kid. My dream came true but I'm still not happy. Isn't it ridiculous? I tell you it's damn unfair.
After feeling a bit better I make my way back to the others. I've been away long enough. It's not a good thing to let them come and check up on you. They did that once and I wasn't exactly ready to face them and oh boy did it go wrong. Since then we have the silent agreement on my 10 minutes spare time after each concert, and I'll be back on time. I make my way back towards the changing room. I know that everybody is in there waiting for me. It's silent inside.
I hate silence.
I enter the room and suddenly chattering erupts around me. Sakano bugging K about the concerts success and how they have to hurry if they want to be on time for the TV show. Hiro is flirting with the hair stylist. And some people from the staff are running around packing up our stuff. But even more I hate this. This make-up fake merry chattering. They don't even realize how stupid they look trying to act all busy and unconcerned. But I know they're scared of something I'd do.
They're scared that I shatter the facade and it would result in the end of Bad Luck and probably proved insanity. Yeah, you heard right. They think something is seriously wrong with me. Guess, who drove me to that point?
Sakano is ushering me to get ready. I nod, wave my hand and head towards the shower which is adjacent to the changing room. I grab the new clothes someone had already chosen for me and get ready. Half an hour later we're heading off to the show. I don't like those shows. They're part of why I changed my "public character display" or however you want to call it. But let's start at the beginning.
Three years ago I had been madly in love with the famous novelist Yuki Eiri. It was at the beginning of Bad Luck going into a business relation ship with NG and I was so damn naive back then. I wonder nowadays how I even managed to get a foot into music business. Guess it was my stubborn head. Anyway he was giving me a hard time and I remember the ups and downs so clearly as it was just yesterday. He influenced me too much for my own good. I dedicated all my energy and attention to him. I wonder how Hiro & the others could even stand my addiction to Yuki. Hiro for sure was at times pretty annoyed but he never openly said something. But I think he knew from the beginning that I couldn't get through to Yuki's cold heart. That my affords were fruitless and I would get hurt sooner or later.
Tohma Seguchi was more open about this matter. He took me aside on several occasions and warned me. Tohma tried to convince me that despite all the stuff Yuki and I had been through it wouldn't change Yuki from one day to another. Maybe he wouldn't change his attitude against me at all. But I didn't want to hear such things.
I decided to walk towards the cliff.
And Tohma proved to be right. It just simply didn't work out. I tried so hard. We moved in together and for a short period I even believed that Yuki opened up to me but around this time Bad Luck catapulted towards Japan's top band and we were almost constantly touring or at some events like TV - , radio shows, conventions etc. At first I didn't really thought of it as something strange. I was too exhausted to be offended or hurt but Yuki withdrew into his shell once more. He didn't ask me about what happened while I was gone or just hold me and well you know...
We just lived next to each other oblivious to the fact that there was nothing between us anymore. At least that came crashing down on me one day as Yuki asked me suddenly why I was still staying with him. I didn't know what to say back then. We just starred at each other probably for the first time since months. Looking at each other, registering the changes in the other. As I didn't reply Yuki shook his head and walked back into his study room, closing the door quietly. I then realized that it was too late. Somewhere on our way we lost sight of each other and began wandering off into different directions.
So I packed my things and left the apartment where I lived for over a year. I moved in with Hiro for awhile but I felt like the fifth wheel with his girl friend Ayaka around. I never let on though. One day I just made up my mind and left again. Luckily I came across Ryuichi and since he was living alone he invited me to live with him. I tell you guys that was the best time of my life. I think the guy is a kindred spirit of me. We had so much fun together. And let me tell you beneath all that childish behavior is a man who knows what sorrow is although he would never admit it but he's as lonely as anyone could ever get. No matter how many people adore him, love him, crave him.
I admire him for his strength. He's much stronger than me. Ryuichi admitted once -in a more drunken state- that there were things about Nittle Grasper's past nobody really knew about when they weren't as famous as now just a band tingling from club to club. They were going under a different name as well and they were four not three. Four members. He wasn't the vocalist back then. He played the guitar. Something went wrong somehow, some argument, I didn't quite understood what he was mumbling to himself. He got lost but he managed to get back on track. Luckily. Nittle Grasper was founded then.
I for myself don't know how to get back on the right way. I was lost for too long. And now it's too late to turn around and reconsider. I'm right at the edge of the cliff. The ground is cracking and the depths of darkness are swirling beneath me. All I need is a final push. And trust me I was sick of everything enough to have tried numerous things to get rid of my life. It didn't work though. Guess, my body is just too stubborn to give up. I think it's not normal. I can push my body past my limits but I always get up again. Like some stupid brainless doll.
....
God, this TV- show drags on forever. Hiro is frowning at me. Guess I spaced out again. I tend to get lost in my thoughts nowadays. Anyway we're now at some boring TV show. The one Sakano was referring to earlier. I really hate those. Geez, all the studio guests are starring at you. I tended to feel uncomfortable at times but I found a way to take care of that. Now I'm just simply bored out of my mind. Smiling sweetly for the camera and the giggling teenage girls in the first row. I let Hiro do all the talking. It's easier that way anyway. Probably the others are happy about this too. So I can't say anything stupid which would put us in a wrong light.
You have to know people.......most of this show business thing is only fake anyway. And even if some know what this is all about they don't care since they like their dream idols better than the real us.
I wonder if Yuki knew this all along and didn't care about his fans because of this? Hm,..... Damn, now I'm thinking about him again. I'm not able to get him out of my head. He just makes me feel so damn miserable and worthless all the time. Why is that so? I'm famous I have tons of fans, I have money and friends. Why can't this be enough for me?
My head hurts. Hiro is looking at me again and I feel guilty. I put my smile back in place and remember to say goodbye before the show is over. Hiro walks past me. Guess he's upset again. I think he thinks that I don't care anymore for Bad Luck. But I do, I really do. It was my dream for heavens sake. Our dream. It's just that sometimes it's so damn hard to keep going.
I'm off now. Going out with some people from the waiting crowd. The others are mad at me for my careless lifestyle. They say I only feed the media but I know better. My scandals sell Bad Luck even better. Money is no matter for me. And why not use it? I earned it so I can spend it on whatever I feel like. And I always invite my little follower group. I like shopping. Did you know you can forget everything around you when you spend money? No worries. I like that. Tonight we do the usual. We go drinking & dancing. Looking for what the city has to offer. Actually I don't even know in which city we currently are. Argh, my head is spinning. Geez, what kind of drink did she get me? I look around but can't catch sight of any of my groupies. Shrugging I drag my body towards a bathroom. The club we're in is pretty big but I finally make it anyway. A look into the mirror leaves me rather dumbfounded. I kind off end up with black streaks in my hair. How did they get there? I rake my head for an answer but give up after it only makes the throbbing in my head worse. Bah, guess we passed a hair dresser. I grin into the mirror. Who cares? Looks good on me anyway. Would Yuki like it?
Shit, didn't want to think about him. Didn't want to. Didn't want to. I only want to get him out of my mind. I should go and spend some more money. It'll make those thoughts go away. Hiro will be angry with me later on. He's always angry when I buy stuff I don't really need. I always answer that I worked for it. So why wouldn't he let me have some fun? It's fun to buy stuff. At least I can make some people happy with it. I mean I always buy presents for them too. Although I don't think they appreciate it anymore. I don't care. I'm back on the dance floor now after throwing a whole round for my groupies and who knows whom else. The air is searing almost burning with heat. It's suffocating me, I excuse myself from the others saying I need another drink. I stumble, through the mass of swaying bodies towards the bar. I order a drink. And another one and another one after that. My vision gets kind of blurry. Someone is taking the seat next to me. I can't really make out the guys face but I order him a drink anyway. He doesn't touch it. I feel anger rise in me. Hey, I'm buying someone a drink and he is supposed to take it. I mean I am generous or am I not? I turn to face the idiot and he does look familiar. His dark gaze confuses me and I jump of my bar stool to almost fall on my ass. But I didn't. Someone is holding me up. Guess what, it's that asshole who refused to take my drink. Well, if he thinks I'm thankful he can shove his gratitude up his ass. I don't need anybody's help. I rip my arms free but the jerky movement leaves my head spinning and I drown in blackness.
As the world comes into focus again I am on a bed. My mind is still foggy as I can hear quite foot steps on the carpet. I groan and close my eyes again. The situation is kind of familiar. After my shopping, drinking, partying excesses I often get drunk, high or whatever and I always end up in some strangers bed. Although it's funny that I still have my clothes on. My head is still swirling and the guy is still here. Right beside me. Looking down at me. Uhm, that's something new. Usually I'm alone the next morning, being naked, sticky, feel god damn guilty and have a stupid fucking hang over. Oh, I get it. The getting laid part is still ahead of me. How interesting. Usually I'm half unconscious by that time. Maybe I could remember tomorrow what actually happened tonight. I snap out of my thoughts as the guy who watched me the whole time speaks up. "Fancy meeting you here, baka."
My blood freezes in my veins. Holy Christ, did I just here what I just heard? I think my mind is playing tricks on me. I try to sit up slowly. No help is offered to me. This is really weird. Usually they're all over me. As I sit I turn my head to look at my savior or captor or whatever you may call him. Instantly I feel sick, this is my worst nightmare. I'm face to face with Yuki Eiri. God, is this humiliating. But I swallow my hurt pride and plaster a dazzling grin on my face. "Yuki, did ya miss me? Never thought I'd see you again. Here in all places."
My face hurts. I'm still grinning.
"I think you managed to get rid of the last of your brain cells. I saw your concert. It's nothing new that your lyrics suck but the show was pretty low." Ouch, that hurt. It always hurt when he mentioned my non existing talent for writing lyrics, but now he's insulting Bad Luck's show? I used to be a people magnet (and still am) and Bad Luck still has millions of fans. What's he getting at? I frown. Yuki seems to see it and just shakes his head mumbling 'baka' under his breath. He always used to call me that. I wonder if he even knows my real name. Bah, of course he knows it's all over the media. I have the urge to whack myself on the head if it wouldn't hurt so much already. I let myself fall back into the covers starring up at the ceiling. It's a pretty ceiling. All nice colored in a cheery warm yellow.
He doesn't say another thing. If I would close my eyes now I could almost pretend he isn't here. But he is. I can hear him breathing and if I would turn my head slightly to my right I could see him leaning at the door frame and starring out the window.
We're ignoring each other for awhile until I loose my nerve. I was always the impatient one between us two.
"What do you want?"
I ask harshly. I can feel Yuki directing his gaze at me.
"What are you doing?"
I don't get him. I'm asking him a normal question and the guy ignores it and asks what am I doing. Well, stupid question, stupid answer.
"What does it look like it?"
I grin up at him, crossing my arms behind my head.
"I'm having fun."
For a moment I can see some emotion flash in his amber eyes but before I can figure it out it's gone again. And before I register what's going on at all he has pinned me beneath him. I'm too shocked to even try to free myself. The emotion in his eyes is back. Pure rage is burning in them and something I could only describe as pain. I faintly wonder what on earth could cause this as Yuki starts yelling at me.
"What do you think you're doing? Are you trying to pay me back? Is this your cruel and twisted way to make me feel guilty for all those years? Guess what I feel guilty. Since the day I didn't keep you from leaving my apartment. My life."
Yuki's chest was heaving and his whole body was shaking with fury. I think we both made quite a scene. Me, despite being past twenty, a slim small built, in a provocative outfit, the smeared make up, my messy pink mop of hair with the new added black streaks, sweat running down my face, lay frozen under Yuki who loomed over me ranting like a madman but he never looked better in his casual suit, dress shirt being partly open, his hair golden as ever and his blazing amber eyes. I think my brain kind of set out then. I just looked into his eyes, I forgot about all the anger and hurt I usually felt just when I thought about him. Yuki was still talking although at a rather low level. He was muttering more to himself it seemed anyway. "It never worked out anyway. This way or the other. It's just not supposed to be, stupid baka." Yuki was shaking now and for heavens sake tears are running down his cheeks. God, the world is coming to an end. What is happening here? I slowly reach up to touch his cheek, tracing the line the tear left. As I bring my fingers to my lips it indeed tastes salty. He hides behind his bangs, I want to look into his eyes. It hurts somehow. I can hear him mumbling. "Sorry. I'm sorry. So sorry." He was chanting that over and over. Yuki was a mess. Are you calling this a break down? I don't know. I only want him to stop. I don't know what to do with this Yuki. So I do the only thing I can think about. In one swift motion I capture his lips to shut him up. And it does have the desired effect. Yuki kisses me back hungrily. Probably to leave his guilty feelings behind. To drown out this voice in your head which always appears to make you feel worse. I guess he has it too or he wouldn't be here. Weird come to think of it. The voice is only there when I feel bad. But I guess I found a way to shut it up now.
I can feel Yuki's body pressing into mine. Somehow my hands found a way into his hair and I'm pulling him closer to me. I want to feel him. I want to know if this isn't just one of those dreams I wake up afterwards to find my bed empty beside me. I can feel Yuki's finger gliding down my sides. Guess I should stop thinking now. I should simply enjoy this dream as long as it lasts. Cuz it never lasts long enough. I had my lesson. Yuki stops kissing my neck and is now starring oddly at me. I wonder what is going on in his beautiful head of his. Suddenly he gives me a single soft kiss, lingering a bit before pulling away slowly. Only centimeters away from my face he breathes softly: "Suki da, Shu. Suki da."
And then I'm drowning in a sea of kisses and pleasure before I even get the chance to think about an answer.
The next morning is coming sooner then I hoped. I wake up to the sound of a vacuum cleaner somewhere outside of the hotel room. My head is pounding mercilessly. I groan and slowly open my eyes. I blink and let them adjust to the bright light. Then I realize, I'm alone. I'm laying in an empty hotel bed and all traces of another inhabitant are gone. I feel numb. What did I expect? To wake up in his arms proclaiming his undying love for me? Geez, we're not in one of his romance novels here. Face it, reality is harsh, such as happy endings don't exists. But still I had hoped he would....
I sigh and peel myself out of bed. A glance to the clock tells me that I should really get going. K had probably already threatened people if not even shot them, Sakano several nervous break downs and Suguru is probably ready to bite my head off and Hiro ...ugh ... I don't even want to think about that one.
The time is 1.30 pm. And we had an interview at 12am. I am so dead. I let my head drop back into my hands. What a fucking way to start a new day. Hey that rhymes. I shake my head. Well, thanks god the day was almost over anyway. The mornings were the worst. A familiar blond invaded my mind again. Hey, nothing new.
Was Yuki really here with me? Fucking me? Eh, excuse the language. It's still early. But more important, did my foggy mind just kind of switched the face of my unknown lover into Yuki's face. Damn was that confusing. I mean, I probably was drunk pretty bad, or did I smoke something? Well, I can't remember taking any drugs. Although that shouldn't assure me since after a night like this I usually forget ¾ of what I did last night and the rest is just a mingle of flashes I can't put in right order. Ah, no good to think too hard this early. I drag myself over to where I think the bathroom is to face the day.
Guess, it was a dream after all. I rise to face my destiny. I give in because I have nothing to give anymore. It's all used up. And I'm useless now. But one more time just one more time I want to hear them scream my name. Only me. Only me.
Geez, you should have seen them. I would have laughed if it just weren't making them even more mad. Sakano was near hysterics. K was actually threatening to shoot ME of all people. Suguru was yelling something about me being an inconsiderate, irresponsible, yadda yadda, stupid baka. People seem to like to call me that, ne? Anyway Hiro just ignored me but shot me some pretty nasty glares which totally made up for his lack of words towards me. I think he gave up talking some sense in me a long time ago. Yeah, yeah! Well, right now I'm on my way to another concert. I had already a couple of drinks and I used up the last shit I got from a buddy of mine. I mean I have to get through this concert or they'll seriously kick my ass. And we don't wanna have that now, won't we?!
So I have to say I feel rather good like I'm gonna flow away any second. He he that would be pretty funny me floating out on stage. Hey, here we go. Let's rock this place. I jump into the flashlight and the crowd starts screaming. God, does that feel good. The beats of Rage Beat are starting. I love that song. Even if Yuki said my lyrics are stupid. I feel free if I sing that song. Here on stage I feel at home.
Here I feel free, I wish I could always stay like that. And they scream and I'm happy. I sing until my throat is raw. I wish Yuki could see me now. It doesn't matter to me anymore if it was really him or not. Maybe it just was a dream but it made me happy. And I'm sure that one day we will both find happiness. Even Yuki who doesn't believe in things like happy endings. This is the last time I sing for you Yuki Eiri. Watch me, listen to me. That's all I ever want or wanted. Your attention and your love. And I think my dream was real. You really love me. And I love you, too. Suki da Yuki. Do you hear me?
Suki da.
I think I really am floating. I can't feel my feet touching the ground anymore. They scream my name and I throw my head back and raise my arms and sing the last lines. I'm going to fly away on a dream. Forever.
******
They said it was heart failure. Due to a overdose of drugs and alcohol his cardiovascular system broke down leaving the heart without oxygen. People who saw it said he looked happy - like an angel who was finally free. They showed the concert on TV. It was the last song and after spreading his arms he collapsed. He fell like in flow motion until his body hit the floor. To never rise again. All hell broke loose then. People were screaming and an emergency unit rushed onto the stage. They showed a shocked Suguru and Hiro being showed away by K.
I think he knew it had to end like this. He knew that there was no happy ending for us. At least not in this world. A smile comes to my lips. It's him. They show it pretty much on each channel. It's right before he collapses as something catches my attention.
'Suki da Yuki.'
I'm stunned. He remembered our night together.
It's settled then. I switch of the TV. I turn off the lights and walk into the garage.
I love this car. It's black and fast. I drive down the streets, take the exit onto the highway and accelerate. They play Bad Luck on the radio. As remembrance to Shuichi. It feels like he's singing only for me. The same feeling I had on his last concert. Are you waiting for me Shu? I'm coming. I'm coming. And then we will fly away. Together.
******
The car breaks through the demarcation and shots over the edge towards the dark night sky. And then it's gone.
******
"Life is like a play. You can win or you can loose it all. You never know the outcome.
All you can do is keep on living and hope for the best. That's what I'm writing about.
......
The only difference between my life and my books is that my life will have most likely no happy ending."
Yuki Eiri, 19xx
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So guys, shocked, confused? Tell me what do you think? I hope the narrating style of this story wasn't too confusing. It's not supposed to be perfect since it's Shuichi who's seeing things like that. Good thing though cuz I have no energy left to rake through this fic again. It's on my pc far too long already so I wanna be done with it. I appreciate c&c. If you don't like the fic at least tell me why & how to improve my writing. Love you guys, Hellcat
P.S. If someone wants to write a lemon for the part I left out I'd be happy. I don't trust myself to write lemons cuz I'm very picky about the writing style but maybe someone has a hang for that stuff. So if you're interested please e-mail me. Some might be very happy to actually read a lemon and not only use their imagination....*grin*