a/n: I had so much fun writing this, I didn't realize I'd gone eleven pages until my computer told me to get a life. No, really, it does that.
I don't own Jackie Chan Adventures, but I do love it to pieces, don't steal my writing, and enjoy the following semi-canon.
Once I was the king of Spain. Now, I eat humble pie.
King of Spain - Moxy Fruvous
0. Name
When Jade first calls him her uncle, it startles him a bit because in between chasing her, scolding her, protecting her, and generally tearing his hair out in worry over her, he's kind of forgotten that she's only his niece and not actually his own daughter. It nearly makes him swear off ever having children himself, but only nearly because he has a sneaking suspicion that his most troublesome child possible could only manage half the trouble Jade gives him.
- He does not, of course, tell Jade this. She'd probably just take it as a challenge.
1. Factory
Jackie experiences the umpteenth aneurysm of his short (and getting shorter) life when both Jades run into a large, shadowy building… and a few minutes later, the whole street erupts.
Days later, he is still wondering (loudly, to their sheepish annoyance) how both Jades thought it was a good idea to use a flamethrower talisman in a fireworks factory.
2. Skirt
"This is stupid. I look awful," Jade says. Her voice is muffled from behind the cheap plastic door, but Jackie can tell from her slightly pinched tone that she is genuinely disgusted.
He sighs. "If you let me see, maybe I can offer a second opinion." And then go home, he adds silently, tiredly.
"Well, fine," she grouses. "But no laughing." The door swings open, and his niece steps out hesitantly.
He looks, then looks some more. The skirt she is wearing sweeps down to her ankles, a gauzy blue-green thing that looks quite pretty on her. He's not sure why his voice is failing him, though maybe the memories of a hoodie-jean-sneakered girl constantly following him around have something to do with it.
"Well?" she asks finally, peering at him suspiciously.
He smiles faintly. "You look beautiful, Jade."
She gives him that familiar Cheshire grin. "Thanks, Jackie. But skirts aren't really my style. "
3. Captain
"Caught it all on tape."
It galls him that a preteen punk can bypass his security, his agents, and himself armed with nothing but rope, hook, Swiss army knife, and a keen knowledge of his favorite British secret agent.
"Jade's made her point," Captain Black says, watching with cheery bemusement as Jade sneaks into the top secret vault and swipes the talismans as though she's window shopping. "She can be an agent when she grows up."
I hope you're raising that kid good, Jackie, he thinks. She'd make a pretty successful criminal, if she ever wanted to. Out loud, "Now tell her to return the goods." He'd never admit it, but he's too scared to do it himself.
4. Toast
"Ai-yaa!"
Uncle's cry is hideously morphed with anger and grief; the scent of smoke meets his nose. Jackie leaps to his feet and skids out into the hall, flips with inhumane speed down the stairs, and crashes into the kitchen, his heart in his throat.
"What's wrong?" he shouts. "Uncle, are you- ow!" He rubs his forehead, momentarily annoyed, and gapes at the scene before him.
"Tohru has burnt the toast!" Uncle yells, waving his arms with angry exasperation. Tohru scrapes his feet on the floor and gives Jackie a pained smile. "Tohru is a lousy apprentice!"
5. Seeds
"'Let seed be grass, and grass turn into hay: I'm martyr to a motion not my own.'"
The elegant misery of the words floats and dances through Ratso's mind. He turns his collar up to hide his expression, a habit born out of his time with the Enforcers. But now, he reminds himself, he is alone in this small library in this large prison, in this even larger world- he fancies himself a momentary poet. Very few inmates spend time here, so he feels safe enough to fold the orange cloth down again (he's okay with orange) and continues reading.
"'What's freedom for? To know eternity. I swear she cast a shadow white as stone…'"
Elegant hope. It stamps indelibly into his mind, grows and blossoms; he dreams of a woman's sinuous silhouette, white against green, swaying with the summer breeze in time to the dandelion clocks.
6. Coffee Table
Tohru's first few weeks living with the Chans are miserable. Uncle mistrusts and berates him, while Jackie buffers halfheartedly and disappears whenever possible. But the most difficult of all to deal with is Jade, who gives him sour looks and vicious reminders of who he had been and in many ways still is.
She is but a child, and he is but an adult, but he feels so helpless before her fury, her unyielding refusal of forgiveness, that sometimes he feels like the child instead, cowering before the eternal disapproval of its parent. So with every hissed "Oh yeah, remember that time you almost killed me?" he hunches his shoulders and sinks deeper into this blackest of holes he's dug himself into, this inescapable gravity that is the price of his repentance.
He swears it's the last day he'll put up with this when Uncle orders him to polish the coffee table. It sits incongruously between the television and the sofa, a large square of modestly carved wood. Of course, it's a thousand year old relic from the whatever dynasty- everything in this blasted house is- so he must be very careful, or he gets mung bean duty next time Uncle has a craving.
His fingers itch as he tries to reach across the table to scrub the polish, but his girth costs him the dexterity necessary for such a task. He tries different angles, from the corners and all of the sides, but he can't reach the center and it is (humiliating) annoying because Jade's watching, her face inscrutable, and Uncle is aware but does nothing.
His teeth grind audibly, and his fingers dig dangerously deep into the gleaming wood. If he's not careful, he'll get splinters, and Uncle will pitch a fit, so why does he want to scream and rage and run? Is it not cruel enough to strip him of his self-respect, his dignity?
He gets his answer when Jade unexpectedly moves forward. Small legs tense and leap- she flies through the air and lands neatly on the coffee table with a pleased grin. She says, "Need a hand?"
Tohru blinks at her. He offers her the rag, his oversized hand making hers seem even smaller in comparison. She finishes the remaining polish with a few neat twists of the cloth, an obvious expert in the miserable chore.
"Thank you, Jade." The words are slow.
"It's nothing." Her eyes are softer, half-ashamed and half-defiant.
Uncle picks on him much less after that.
7. Birthday
The day dawns bright and early, and Valmont takes the time to curse at everything in sight. He spits vehement profanities at the offensively glimmering sun, at the splintered fragment of wall that stubs his toe, at the ground, at the air, at life-
Shendu rouses in his mind, a curious sensation at best and unnervingly uncomfortable at worst; Valmont is very much not at his best this morning.
"What is the matter with you?" Shendu demands, ethereal tones laced with annoyed bewilderment.
His foul temper darkens. "Nothing, you overgrown lizard," he bites back. "Absolutely nothing. All is peachy perfect in the Dark Hand today."
He feels the intruding presence in his mind shift, trying to scour his thoughts. He grits his teeth and battles it away, but he is no match for a demon sorcerer, and Shendu knows immediately. "Hm. You humans are so weak," the dragon spirit says, cruel and disinterested. "Cease this mindless rabble, Valmont," it orders, already sinking into slumber.
When he is sure the dragon is gone, he curses a little more under his breath, but there's really no more point. Valmont crosses the once-grand hall and stops at the enormous rip in the building, looking out into the city below.
He's not sure how long he stands there, but it's enough time to think of every single thing that had gone wrong.
8. Woodpecker
"Eagle snatches prey!"
"Flying lion shreds helpless coyote!"
"Praying mantis eats mate!"
"Rabbit punch!"
Jade munches an apple and watches curiously as Hak Foo practices combat against hundreds of dummies littering the Dark Hand training floor. If she squints her eyes and tilts her head to a precise angle, they kind of look like Jackie.
"Hey, Hak Foo," she calls, and the man pauses in a vicious strike.
"How did you get in here?" he demands, eyes narrowed and lit with anger.
She ignores him. "How come you never use woodpeckers?"
Hak Foo opens his mouth, then closes it. Jade rambles on, "I mean, I've seen you use everything from platypus to jellyfish, but never woodpecker." She chews thoughtfully. "I remember a woodchuck, but-"
"It's none of your business," the martial artist interrupts gruffly. "Go away."
Is it just her, or does Hak Foo suddenly look embarrassed? "Aw, come on!" she needles, face pursed in the first step of her patented I'm-so-annoying-you'll-tell-me-anything-just-to-get-rid-of-me interrogation technique. "You can tell meee! What did the mean, old woodpecker do to you?"
"Tiger smashes whining mosquito!"
It all goes downhill from there.
9. Pocket
Her eyes are on the target, who is bent over an ancient looking tome and completely oblivious. She slips around the corner, melts with the shadows. The target suddenly straightens, his blue sweatered back arching into a stretch accompanying a yawn.
She sees her chance- she darts, like a snake in the grass, her fingers slipping nimbly into his pocket to grasp the vault key she knows is there-
His fingers close around her wrist, firm and unyielding. Swiftly, she pushes forward in a tried-and-tested method of throwing him off, but he's been around her for too long. He flips her forward, executes a blur of movement, and before she knows it she's caught in a grapple, strong arms wrapped securely around her neck and waist.
"No thieves in the shop," Jackie reminds her.
Viper grins.
10. Water
All things considered, Finn is a pretty simple guy. He's an Enforcer because it pays well and he likes the security and the fun and the daring, and working for Big V is only half as irritating as anybody else. He knows he does some awful things to people, but as it goes with the Dark Hand, it's usually only people who deserve it. His conscience is clean, he sleeps easy.
Then Bai Tza announces her plans to submerge San Francisco in the ocean and turn it into her new undead empire, and Finn realizes that it's his fault…
The Chan clan saves the day as usual, so it's okay, but for the first time, Finn thinks of his nephew, playing innocently in the streets, and what would've happened to him if San Francisco really had flooded. With dawning horror, he thinks of all those other kids that are somebody's nephew, somebody's niece, somebody's kids.
Finn never sleeps easy again.
11. Tragedy
The tragedy of it all, she thinks as she watches her son cast all sorts of chi spells, is that he used to dream of being a sumo wrestler one day, and now he scuttles around fetching tea for the billy goat.
The real tragedy of it all, Tohru thinks, is that his mother would never admit that chi wizard is scores cooler than sumo wrestler any day of the week.
12. Oil
Ever since that disastrous episode with the crocodiles, Uncle for some reason took up oil painting. Tohru doesn't mind much, as he rather appreciates the few hours of peace and quiet. Oil painting, he has learned, keeps Uncle occupied and out of everybody's hair.
Not to mention he enjoys art himself. But what he can't understand is why the phone bill runs so high with every painting session.
13. Predictions
Uncle announces that he is off to paint, and that nobody is to disturb him; the rest of the house's occupants are only too happy to comply. He scurries into the library at the back of the shop, secures the door, and prepares the easel.
That done, he picks up the phone and dials the only number he's bothered to memorize.
"Hello, darling," the woman's richly accented voice pours into his ear. "Let me guess. You want to paint a still life of two apples, three kiwis, a slice of watermelon, sliced oranges, and grapes."
He gasps. "How do you know?"
He can hear her smirk through the phone. "And you might want to keep that book of endangered floral species indigenous to South America you were going to throw away. You'll need it for next week's unmasking, if you'll pardon the pun."
14. Deadpan
"Mommy!" Tohru swings the door open and hurls himself onto the figure standing just inside the rain; raptured, he lifts it up and hugs it fiercely, plants a kiss-
The light falls onto Captain Black's decidedly displeased face.
"Captain Black!" He releases him immediately, embarrassed. "I am sorry."
"That's alright, Tohru," he deadpans. "I'm often mistaken for elderly Japanese women."
15. Heart
Jackie's so busy arguing with Viper that he becomes completely unaware of everything around him. His attention is focused solely on her, on her interfering and criminal ways, until she says the fateful words- "I'm doing this for Jade."
Jade? He swings around, calls his niece's name. She's nowhere to be found; next to him, El Toro calls for Paco, and they both freak out. "Where are the children?" That day, Jackie learns that children equal instant heart attack.
Yes, Jade gives him plenty of heart attacks. But nothing comes close to the day when she is sucked into the demon world, with very little chance of getting out, and for all he knows, she's being tortured by the angry spirits this very moment-
He slumps to the floor of the little boat. For all his strength, he is unable to save Jade, his niece, his little girl. Uncle and Tohru mimic his helpless motion, and all three men tremble at the very real possibility of failure.
That day, his heart learns what it is to die.
16. Last Stand
They've all got some degree of flair for theatrics, it's an undeniable fact. Everyone in their little group is a bit of a drama queen, but what nobody can agree upon is who is the most dramatic of them all.
As Jackie backs to the edge of the skyscraper, Augustus Black by his side and surrounded by hundreds of shadowkhan, their red eyes glinting dangerously with promises of painful death-
"I'll take the guy in the ninja suit," Captain Black says nonchalantly.
Jackie thinks that maybe the grim spy takes the cake.
17. Air Conditioning
Jackie's trained in martial arts for as long as he can remember. He has sworn to use his skills for good, to defend himself and his loved ones, to help people-
"You want Uncle to find chi spell for cool weather, ye-es? Then fan harder! It is too hot in here for Uncle to concentrate!" Smack! goes Uncle's two-fingered whip.
Well, he thinks wryly to himself as his arms whip through the sluggish air, he's never thought of this particular use for kung fu before, but it does fall into the category of helping people. Sort of.
18. Memo
"Captain Black!" Jade grins. "Nice chicken suit!" Jackie chuckles.
"Actually, bald eagle," Captain Black corrects her. "And it seems you're the only one who read my dress for the day memo." He scowls over his shoulder at his snickering agents.
"Buenas noches, amigos!"
They turn to greet the wrestler and his apprentice. "You and El Toro Fuerte."
"This is no costume, Captain Black," El Toro intones solemnly. "This is a way of life." He looks the spy captain up and down, visibly formulating a guess. "Um… pollo?"
Captain Black makes a disgusted noise. "I'm a bald eag- oh, never mind."
19. Charity
"Sorry, Paco," Jade says hurriedly, her eyes on Jimmy's approaching figure. "Raincheck for tomorrow?"
Paco looks at her, filing every bit of her in the large box in his mind that has her name on it. "It's alright, Yade," he says softly. "Maybe some other day."
She squeezes his hand. "Thanks, Paco. You're a real friend." He watches her move away to greet Jimmy with a charming smile.
Yes. Yes, he is.
20. Horse
As Jade grows older and older, so do her uncles. Jackie is still pretty young, middle-aged or so, and still up and around and kicking butt like the good, old times. Tohru is even younger. But Uncle is pushing however old he is- Jade estimates 150, only half-jokingly- and he is increasingly aware of it.
It shreds her heart to see his despair, no matter how well he contains and hides it. She knows it's not fear that pains Uncle, but the decreased mobility and energy for the once great martial artist and chi wizard is awful beyond words.
To make up for it, Jade steals the horse talisman from Section 13 (Captain Black doesn't even try to stop her, but mutters half-heartedly about replacing that vault someday) and brushes away Uncle's arguments. "It's not the dog talisman," she tells him, painfully frank. "You won't be immortal. Just… happier. This is fine."
Uncle's eyes crinkle as he looks at his great-grandniece (or whatever, nobody's really sure with Uncle) and smiles. "You are so grown up now, Jade."
She twiddles her thumbs, blushing. "It's fine," she repeats, and the talisman flares as it infuses Uncle with renewed life.
And in a way, it is.
21. Sheep
"I haven't seen you around before. I'm Baaaab," the polite, well-spoken sheep introduces itself.
Jade can't believe her ears. Oh my god, it's a sheep!Sean Connery.
22. Blue
She'll admit the whole tattoo thing was generally a bad idea. But how was she to know it was actually a symbol of great evil, would brainwash her into becoming the evil queen of the shadowkhan, and turn her skin blue of all things? In that point, she argues, she was completely innocent.
Jackie concedes. But even so- every time she acts mean or annoying, his grin and whispers of "Why so blue, Jade?"-
Well. That's just uncalled for.
23. Nine
Jade has her heart broken a total of nine times.
First is when her parents send her away to live with her Uncle Jackie (am I not good enough for you anymore?) and second is when her parents take her back (only Jackie's good enough for me).
Third is when she meets an amazing, wonderful boy who calls himself Seymour, falls in love or something with him, then finds out he's actually Hsi Wu, the sky demon, and he's only using her to get his tail back from Uncle and regain his full strength. Oh, and he tries to kill her and her entire family. She kicks his butt, banishes him back to the demon underworld, gives the yang necklace to Tohru, and moves on.
Fourth is when the world is turned upside down on its head and kicked a few light years into hell for good measure, where demons are kings and Jackie is nothing like the upstanding, strong, honorable man she thought he was. She fixes it quickly enough- grab some talismans from Shendu, fetch the rest of the J Team, fly to Australia and teach Jackie how to fight the way he'd taught her, and rewrite the Book of Ages. All in a bag, nothing for Jade Chan, she's under and in control, and soon, the world is right back to the way it should be. Still, she's learned to take absolutely nothing for granted.
She shakes off the fear of loss and moves on.
(Fifth is when Uncle tells her the Tooth Fairy isn't real… but it's okay, because Santa Claus is.)
The sixth time is short lived, pun unintended, because her beloved Scruffy is hit and is all but dead, and something in her dies a little because it's the first time something has happened that cannot unhappen. But Scruffy blinks, sits up, the symbol of immortality gleaming in his sweet doggy eyes, and her soul is healed and whole again.
Seventh is when Tohru leaves them for Valmont, reverts back to crime and abandons Jade. She is more hurt than she'd like to admit, and the realization that his memory's been wiped only marginally soothes the betrayal. It's only when Uncle's potion restores Tohru's memory and her friend is back that Jade breathes easier.
Eighth is when Jimmy betrays her and goes on a homicidal rampage, and really, she ought to be used to it by now. She makes a mental note to work on her taste in men.
Ninth is when she is walking around the battleworn remnants of San Francisco. The demons are all gone, their chi and talismans with them, and the vacuum of evil has been filled, completed, and put away.
"The only trouble we'll ever have again is regular human trouble," Captain Black laments.
"Don't jinx it," she tells him, and he immediately knocks on wood with crossed fingers. He's had way too much experience with all this magic mumbo jumbo not to honor superstition, and plus demons just tried to destroy the world for the fifth time in as many days, so better safe than sorry. No matter what his boss will say.
She walks and she's so tired after all the excitement and fighting and heartbeat thumping painfully in her ears that she doesn't see the lump of green until she trips over it and smashes her face painfully on the rocky soil.
She turns around, and the image of Valmont lying sprawled, eyes blank and expression strangely peaceful, hits her stomach like a dull knife.
Jade can't say for sure why she's crying. Maybe it's that after all, Valmont and his Enforcers did sort of battle their way into her world. They're not family, nor friends, not even close. But she's used to them being there, she's used to him always being there; she's come to depend upon his antagonism in a manner not unlike the way she depends on Jackie's protagonism.
Nuh-uh-uh, the Valmont in her head says. Stay right here with Uncle Valmont.
Smirking at Jackie. And here I thought you were just horribly irresponsible.
Jackie finds her later, sobbing over the leader of the biggest, not most successful (not anymore) but certainly the most troublesome crime syndicate the world (or at least Section 13) had ever seen. And there's no coming back for him, not ever. He's not Scruffy, and it takes seeing him like this to realize that none of them are. None of them ever will be.
"I thought he'd gotten away," she explains helplessly in between tears.
Jackie hugs her then passes her to Tohru, who lifts her easily and takes her home. She is asleep by the time her head hits the cool, soft pillow.