Hilda, The Prettiest Brunette in Camelot
~A Gwaine Tale~
The pair of them stared at the rumpled looking man sprawled out in the middle of the corridor outside Gaius' chambers with mixed expressions. It wasn't entirely unexpected, nor was it entirely amusing, or even completely annoying. It was Gwaine. Technically speaking, it was Gwaine after lunch in the tavern –lunch that had turned into dinner, which had in turn become a midnight snack and then most likely became breakfast before the unlucky barkeep had succeeded in herding him out. Needless to say, it didn't smell at all pleasant in that corridor, what with all the ale that was vaporising from his pores.
Merlin shook his head, counting himself lucky that the newly knighted man hadn't decided to throw up all over the stone floor, before startling in surprise as there was a loud 'Buck-AW!' Arthur, standing next to him, raised an eyebrow.
"Did he just..?" he asked dubiously, wondering if maybe he was still sleeping.
"I think," Merlin said slowly, looking just as perplexed as Arthur, "that he might have, yes."
The two men shared a look, wondering if maybe they'd both gone insane when it happened again.
"That was definitely a chicken!" Arthur declared, eyes wide and finger pointing accusingly at Gwaine's passed out body. Merlin bent down a bit and leant over his friend's form to investigate. He immediately started snorting with laughter as he caught sight of what their drunken knight was cuddling in his sleep. Apparently Gwaine had had a run in with the chicken coop on his way home and picked a hen up while he was there.
"Yep," Merlin confirmed, still snorting laughter as he straightened up, "definitely a chicken."
"Why the bloody hell does he have a chicken?" Arthur asked, rubbing his forehead exasperatedly. It was too early in the day for this.
"Maybe," Merlin started, his eyes sparkling with amusement, "they felt a 'connection'."
Arthur frowned at Merlin, hands on his hips as he considered that. "A 'connection' you say?" he asked slowly, rubbing his chin and staring down at Gwaine in a mixture of amusement and contemplation.
"Well, you know how these things go," Merlin responded brightly, shrugging a little bit as he did, "love at first sight and all." Arthur snorted in a very non-princely manner.
Arthur turned his head around to gawp laughingly at his manservant. "And what, Merlin, would you know about love at first sight?" he asked, sounding rather amused.
"More than you might think," Merlin replied easily. Arthur crossed his arms and turned fully to examine Merlin in full, a curious frown on his face.
"Well then?" he prompted when Merlin didn't continue.
"What?"
"What do you know, Merlin?" Arthur asked exasperatedly.
"That we should probably get Gwaine and his… new friend back to his quarters," he said practically, crouching down next to the sprawled out body. "We wouldn't want anyone to stumble upon him by accident. What if word got back to the King?"
There was a pause while Arthur narrowed his eyes as he considered this, then "We should move him."
"How do you want to go about this?" Merlin asked, dubiously poking a finger into Gwaine's ribs in a vague attempt at waking him up. "I think he's going to be out awhile."
Arthur stepped over Gwaine and crouched on one knee beside him. He looked the man over contemplatively before his eyes fell on the brown feathered hen that was snuggled in under the man's arm. He chuckled at the sight, shaking his head his slightly, before meeting Merlin's equally amused gaze. "I'll carry him back to his quarters," he decided, knowing full well that Merlin wasn't going to be all that much help. "You take the chicken."
"Alright," Merlin agreed, reaching over to try and get to the hen. Arthur, not really wanting to wait around, beat him to it, grabbing the bird's plump body and easing her out from Gwaine's huddled clutches while it clucked in protest. "I don't think she wants to be separated," Merlin quipped as the hen lashed out at the prince's hand with its beak.
"Ow!" Arthur grunted and glared down at the hen. "Well, that's just too bad, isn't it. It's back with the other chickens, for you." The chicken clucked loudly in response, clearly disagreeing with the plan. "Hurry up and take the wretched thing," Arthur growled at Merlin, holding the squirming chicken out for him to take.
But the hen had other plans and kicked up a mighty fuss, giving Arthur's hand a impressively vicious peck and squawking about in all her chicken-y glory. Arthur winced and threw the bird at his servant in an effort to get it away from him. Merlin winced as the still squawking bird collided with his chest and sent him falling flat on his backside. It landed in his lap, flapping its wings wildly and being very vocal about what it thought of the Prince's mistreatment.
Merlin quickly clamped his hands around it, trying to keeping it from escaping. Chasing an agitated chicken about the castle was the last thing he needed right now. He threw Arthur a disapproving glare. "You didn't need to throw her!"
"That hurt!" Arthur cried out indignantly. He held his hand out and waved it in his servant's face. "Look, I'm bleeding!"
"It's just a scratch," Merlin scoffed, "don't be such a baby." Arthur threw him a dirty look, before focussing a threatening glare at the chicken.
"On second thought, you're going to the kitchens," Arthur growled at the bird, "I haven't had chicken soup in a while." The chicken squawked out a loud retort and tried to peck the prince again. Arthur drew his arm back quickly and eyed the bird warily. Luckily for him, Merlin managed to keep hold of her while trying not to laugh.
"Hilda?" came a very slurred grunt from the space between them. Both men looked down to see Gwaine prop himself up on one arm and peer about blearily, apparently having been woken up by the chicken's cries.
Arthur raised an eyebrow at Merlin and mouthed "who's Hilda?" Merlin furrowed his eyebrows in response and gave a shrug. Gwaine sat up, rubbing his face and peered at the prince. It took him a moment to recognise who it was, but when he did he frowned at the prince in confusion.
"You're not Hilda," he accused, "you're not even brunette! Where's my Hilda? What'd you do with her, Arthur?" Arthur stared at Gwaine like he was crazy as the clearly still drunk man leaned towards him in what was probably supposed to be a menacing manner. "You'd better not have eaten her!" he stabbed a finger at Arthur's chest as he spoke.
Everything suddenly clicked in Merlin's head and he quickly spoke up. "Uhh, Gwaine?" he asked, trying to get the knight's attention. "Are you talking about the chicken?"
Gwaine turned his head around to blink at Merlin questioningly, "I'm talking about Hilda, Merlin. Hilda!" he declared, gesturing wildly. "She's not just a chicken. She's the prettiest brunette bird I've ever laid eyes on!" Behind him Arthur's expression contorted into something resembling disbelief, Merlin, trying not to laugh at the face, held the bird up for Gwaine to see.
"This her?"
Gwaine's face lit up immediately. "You found her, Merlin!" he exclaimed, reaching out for the brown feathered hen and beaming at his friend. "I knew you'd protect her! You wouldn't let Arthur eat my Hilda!"
Merlin, still trying not to laugh, nodded furiously. "Of course not," he agreed, "I'd never let anything happen to Hilda."
Gwaine grinned stupidly, nodding his head and petting 'Hilda' while he held her in his lap. The bird calmed down immediately, clucking rather satisfactorily now she'd been returned to her knight. "It's alright, Hilda," he cooed affectionately, "Arthur won't eat you now."
"Perhaps you should take Hilda back to your quarters," Merlin suggested, doing his best to keep a straight face, "Arthur can't eat her if she's there."
Gwaine frowned at him, "Aren't I in my quarters?"
"No, Gwaine," Merlin said slowly, "you didn't quite get that far. This is my corridor."
"Oh…" Gwaine murmured as he looked about his surroundings. "I see. Well, best be off then," he declared after a moment and stumbled to his feet. He gave Arthur one last threatening glare, holding Hilda as close to his chest as possible before giving Merlin a grin and staggering off down the hall.
As soon as he was out of sight, Arthur turned to stare at Merlin in incredulity. "Hilda?" he asked disbelievingly, as though he wasn't entirely sure what he'd just witnessed was real. "He named the chicken Hilda?"
Merlin couldn't hold it in anymore, he burst out laughing, Arthur soon following suit. It was a long time before either of them could stop long enough to get to their feet and go do something productive with their time. It would be an even longer time before they forgot about Hilda, the prettiest brunette chicken in all of Camelot.
Author's Note: XD I had sooo much fun writing this! Once again, the product of too little sleep. I think that's when I have best ideas, I think. XD
I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. XD
Disclaimer: I own Hilda. She's mine, I tell you, mine! The rest is... not. Sadly.
-Jac