Mike… That's his name… Mike…
Mike was… a character to say the least... This whole storey seems to revolve around him, quite literally.
Mike was a man who had... A few problems to say the least but if you asked him, he would simply offer you a drink and then get so drunk with you that you ended up agreeing with him, call it a talent or a call it a significant flaw, he likes his drink… Always bringing a hip-flask anywhere he goes, packing whisky and Gin at every opportunity, that was his problem, his 'weight' that he liked to carry with himself.
Believing that he seemed to not just enjoy things more but also he seemed more capable, more lucid than when sober, although he would have to show you, no one would believe him… Well, almost no one.
Then Mike had some friends, a couple of lifelong friends, knowing each other since childhood, trusting each other in their little circle of trust that Mike would eventually forget about the entire conversation, or maybe he would just make you think that… He was sneaky, innovative and capable but he rarely made any sense and his friends liked that about him, they could trust him, and they could appreciate him as being the muscle they lacked.
While Mike rode a motorbike across the country and played Cricket with wide groups of people, his friends would always be at home, learning Japanese (for what, I have no idea) and planning something…
Ah... Yes, their names were… James and Oliver, both geniuses in their own right but Mike's presence, the reason for their continued contact, was because Mike helped them to keep their ideas real and he would not only help them in situations that they simply couldn't fix their own problem, Mike was also practical, if they wanted to make a thing, Mike would be the man to put it together.
But this one idea, this one occasion James and Oliver had their work cut out for them… They knew Mike would want in, even he understood less than half of what they told him, they wanted him involved.
Calling ahead, "Mike, Its James, I and Ollie have found something really quite awesome, you need to check this out man… Get over to the den as soon as you can…"
Mike put on his leathers and rode his bike to the den, a small 'base' that they had constructed with the help of a few other friends and connections in the middle of a farmer's field, the hatch being hidden in a hedgerow, hidden from sight. Mike parked his bike and made his way to the hatch to see James and Oliver waiting for him at the hatch.
As he got to the hatch, he was welcomed with a wide hug from James and a high-five from Oliver.
"Alright guys? What's all this about? Are we just hanging out or is there something significant we need to take care of? You know I don't like being sober longer than I have to be."
"Nice to see you too Mike… It's all inside" Said Oliver, his long (and surprisingly olive) hair reaching his shoulders, brushing the fringe away. He stood at 5 feet 9 inches but spoke with a surprisingly deep voice. James was slightly taller at 6 foot with longer black hair down to his upper back, he kept his face clear, his voice was clearer, higher but more cheery, despite his many facial piercings, if he was slightly thinner, taller and had an angry face, you would walk the other way but he was a good friend, they had nothing to fear from him.
Entering the hatch, Mike noticed the den had been cleaned up a fair bit, the dust had been cleared off, it had air ventilation and even its own water cleaning facilities. With the only limiting factor being food supply, the three of them could survive down there for about a month if they rationed themselves.
James spoke up, "Follow us to the project room."
"Looks like you two have been busy in my absence, were is the power coming from?"
"That is all part of the surprise…" returned Oliver.
Mike was intrigued, they never called on him unless they had something important to say or something important that needed doing and seeing that all of the lights on in the subterranean lair despite the lack of any solar PV panels or other obvious signs of power generation otherwise. They were brilliant people and even though Mike never said it to them in fear that their egos may end the world, he always admired them for what they did do.
Walking down a short corridor, down a flight of stairs and into a chamber containing nothing but a few benches lining the walls and a blast shield on the right side of the room, power outlets all-around of varying capacity and in the middle of the room was a dip, a dip that went down a good 20 feet, the entire chamber was made of a shiny metal that looked to be aluminium or something similar, the ceiling being a further 30 feet up from the entrance.
"So… when the fuck did you get the time to build all of this then? Where did all the money come from? Don't tell me bank heists, I know you two, bank heists are not your thing, you would be all like 'Do I have to kill the witness? He barely heard your names…' so how did this get done?"
"We may be unemployed but we do have a lot of patents, we mostly made patents for a lot of things and then sued large companies on stolen ideas or sold the patents to them for money." Said Oliver, sounding almost condescending in tone.
James spoke up "He makes it sound easier than it was, this is also our field now, and you can park your bike down here if you want."
"Thanks James but this can't be what you called me out here for… How are powering all of the lights and temperature control?"
Oliver spoke, sounding carefree and cheery, "Oh yeah, just some interdimensional energy transfer."
"This isn't at all like the infinite waterfall thing is it?" Mike said.
James covered for Oliver, they seemed to be taking it in turns to speak which was only a little creepy. "No… we made a portal to another dimension and I know you are probably thinking, a portal to another part of the world or the universe would surely do it, just make the portal to a near nebula and collect the hydrogen gas before selling it off for profit. Well… I raise you one alternate world with beings made of pure fire, they resonate heat and light-"
"Wait wait wait wait wait… You went to an alternate world, found life of a type that has never been seen before and thought, 'That would make a nice radiator for the living room' as opposed to try and communicate with it? Are you even sure it is alive?"
"Well... We never actually went to the other world, we opened up a 'keyhole portal' and put a fibre optic camera into it, the thing we saw melted the camera but the audio feed continued, the thing spoke in a deep gravelly voice" Said Oliver, mimicking a voice even deeper than his own towards the end.
Mike was, in reality, dumbfounded. "Right, so you want me to do a thing right?"
"Yes Mike, we want you to 'do a thing'".
"Okay, do you have any fireproof gear I get to use or what?"
"Well, the place itself, despite being highly volcanic is only humid, the atmospherics are really quite normal compared to here, it might smell a little sulphur-y and a little like downtown London, the inside of an exhaust pipe but it is not fatal, you should be okay and the air temperature is only about 35 degrees Celsius, not fatal.. Hell, remember that Wednesday that was that hot, you had to wear a suit all day and while your shoes almost melted, you were okay."
"So, Light clothing, not heavy, and then what? Do I just hope it speaks English or do I do interpretive dance?"
"You can use this." Oliver said, handing Mike a pen and paper pad.
"Just draw and show, it is shown to be the most simple form of communication, widely understood by most lifeforms" said James.
"Right… So am I just trying to communicate with them then? Do I want to bring any of them with me back? Am I staying long or short term, just assuming that I won't be very capable of talking back to you when I am there."
Oliver spoke "We will implant a special piece of technology we designed ourselves."
He held out a wire-like object that had a bulge at one end and a box at the other, the box splitting out two wires, one short and one long.
"This little piece of work is a communicator, the long wire has a camera on the end and the short wire has a little speaker, this way you will be able to hear us and we will see what you are doing and to tell you what you are doing wrong."
"Right… will it give you the same beer goggles I get when drunk? I feel like that is the real phenomenon here…"
"I am afraid not, we will wait here, if you need a portal to escape just shout a safeword or something, I don't know… Funbus?" said James, trying to instil Mike with confidence.
"Right, so go through, try to connect, if shit hits the fan, just shout Funbus and I am safe."
"Pretty much… Are you ready?"
"Yeah but can I bring my cricket bat? And my drink? I can't do this without confidence and a weapon…"
"Yeah… alright then…"
With that, the group divided into separate roles. Mike went back upstairs to the bike, he drove it back, bringing a kit or cricket batsman's gear, consisting of studded boots, long leg protectors, thick gloves and a helmet with a face guard and sun visor, sunglasses included in case things got bright.
Meanwhile Oliver prepared the Communicator for function and James prepared a program for the communicator that would force a portal into existence should the word 'Funbus' be heard. By the time Mike was back downstairs in the chamber, they were ready.
Oliver spoke up, "That all looks a little much doesn't it?"
"No way, I can do sprints in this gear, it has good airing, I can hit something really hard and I look nice, admit it, and there is a level of fashion to it."
"Fair point, here is the communicator… want me to put into the helmet? That would help to contain it a little better…"
"Sounds good… Here you go."
Mike removed the helmet and Oliver put the communicator into the helmet, the camera feed was live and the headphone was functioning. As Mike stepped up to the edge of the pit, he took a deep swig of his hip-flask, coughed a little and said "Ready."
Mike stood with his full gear, a satchel bag containing his spirits, some food, a backup battery for the communicator and a bottle of water infused with blueberries, the only way out of perpetual drunkenness was through the hangover, blueberry water was his miracle cure, it also made him incredibly 'pumped' so to speak, he became very excited and ready for anything but right now, he was tired of soberness, he was ready for the madness that was to follow.
The portal opened at the bottom of the pit, James spoke up over the sound of rushing wind "The portal is open for about 30 seconds, the drop is so that you can have sufficient momentum to pass through the breach and make it safely through to the other end."
"The breach? You said nothing about that?!" Mike shouted before losing his footing and falling into the pit. He fell, feeling sick as he did but then the alcohol kicked in, he felt ballsy, confident, ready.
[Meanwhile on the other end of the fire kingdom- Mid evening]
Flame princess, Cinnamon Bun, he loyal knight and Finn the human, in his heat protective suit that Bubblegum had made for him where scouting out the area ahead. Don-John had taken over the kingdom along with Flame King, they brainwashed everyone into attacking and getting FP out of the kingdom but now it was time to take back her kingdom.
Right as Finn walks over CB's plan of attack, ruining the dust drawing, a loud cracking noise is heard overhead. The sound ended as quickly as it started, the trio looked up to see a man in his mid-20s in white clothes falling towards them, screaming…
Not just any man… a human….
"What the flip?!" Finn said, leaping over to protect FP, CB doing the same.
"FUUUUUUUUUCK!"
*POFF*
Mike awoke to be surrounded by the group, who at first held him as a threat, weapons at the ready, Mike was quick to get up, although stumbling was closer to what he actually did.
"Who in Glob's name are you?" FP said in a commanding tone.
"Holy shit, they speak English? Whelp, won't be needing this." Mike said, throwing the pen and pad to the side.
"English? What the hecka are you guy?" Finn said, intimidated slightly as Mike rose to full height, towering over his 5 foot 9 with Mike's 6 foot 3, a light chinstrap beard and slight moustache covering his face. "I am Mike, I come from a different place so to speak and don't you worry your pretty little heads over it, although, may I say-"Mike went to grab and kiss FP's hand but burned himself.
"AHHhhhh… Fuck…."
"What does that mean?" FP said, growing somewhat concerned by this peculiar person's behaviour.
[In the chamber]
"Wow… He works fast doesn't he?"
"Did he already forget that the one made of fire is made of FIRE?"
"Looks like it… But that's the communication barrier broken… Let's see how this goes…"
[Fire Kingdom]
"So wait… are you by any chance… A human?"
"Afraid so… one of 7 billion unluckily sober souls…" He said as he took another swig from his flask.
"Are you not a little hot from this heat? It is pretty hot out here." Finn said as he looked to him, his feet seemed to be smoking slightly, the bat in his hands already had a few scorch marks on it from when he landed and his skin was a shade of pinkish-red not frequently seen by Finn in Ooo.
"Well, if you can fix being boiled alive in searing heat, the sure, that would be pretty good…"
Flame Princess stood forward to administer a flame shield spell, as she spoke the ancient words, the communicator buzzed slightly in his ear, then he heard James' voice "Hey man… Any idea what she is doing? Some weird ritual, just go with it and try to keep a straight face."
"You can't tell me what to do…" Mike spoke, seemingly out of turn as he interrupted FP, she stopped. "Who do you think you are to talk to me like that?"
"I wasn't talking to you… I was talking to the fat guy in my head."
At that moment, both James and Oliver face palmed and Finn started at Mike.
"Hey… You can't talk to her like that…"
"Or what? Are you going to make me sober? You don't even… Even h-have my, my, my clean water…"
Finn Tackled Mike to the ground but as he hit the ground, Finn was expecting the fight to start but was disappointed to see that he had fallen asleep.