A/N: Just so everyone knows, most of the stuff in this has actually been said by someone I know. Or me. I think most of it is going to be quotes from my brother though. He's a genius. Almost everything he says is funny. I love that kid. He's 14. He's been funny his whole life.
"I thought you loved me." Munch complained as he walked through the squad room doors.
"I love you more than the average shit stain on my underwear." Fin replied. Everyone stopped and looked at him in complete silence for a moment.
"Then why won't you buy me a sandwich?" Munch asked, continuing the conversation they had been having. "Sandwiches are like unconditional love. If you loved me, unconditionally, you'd buy me a sandwich." He stated as if it were pure fact.
"I do love you unconditionally, you little bastard." Fin retorted as he seated himself in front of his desk.
"The Bible says you're supposed to try to be more like Jesus, you know?" Munch said, looking over the rim of his dark glasses. "Jesus would buy his best friend a sandwich."
"Yeah, and Jesus didn't go around saying things like 'Poop Festival' either. So, I ain't the only one not trying to be more like him." Fin said, rolling his eyes at the older man.
"I was disappointed. I was trying to refrain from using inappropriate language in front of those children." Munch huffed.
"Dirty Amish slut." Fin mumbled.
"I can't believe you just called me Amish! I'm a JEW!" Munch jumped up from his chair as he yelled louder than he had intended. The whole bullpen stopped what they were doing. Munch slowly lowered himself back into his seat. "Sorry." He whispered.
"I wasn't talking about you, smart one. And really, the Amish part is what you'd be offended by?" Fin asked, amused to no end.
"Oh, be more specific next time. And yes, I'm a man. Being dirty or slutty doesn't bother me one bit."
"Man my ass." Fin said just before chucking his pen at Munch's head.
Just then voices drifted over from the desk beside them. Olivia and Elliot were talking quietly between themselves.
"Look, I'm Harry Potter." Elliot announced as he put on a pair of glasses that he just happened to find.
"Don't be Harry Potter. He has sex with horses." Olivia told him, looking up from a file she was reading.
"Where did you read that?" Elliot asked, becoming worried that he had let his children read the books.
"Nowhere, it's just a fact of life." She said while skimming over another file.
Later that day they sat and watched through the glass as Olivia and Elliot had a nice little chat with an old woman. She wasn't being particularly helpful.
After a while of sitting there the two became bored with the interrogation. Fin leaned toward Munch so Cragen couldn't hear their conversation.
"Her boobs are still in the right place, Man. It's scaring me a little bit." Fin whispered.
"Why are you looking?" Munch whispered in reply.
Fin just shrugged and went back to listening. Meanwhile, on the other side of the glass, the old woman was still being difficult.
"...and they set off the fireworks after all the birds have gone to sleep. Then they all wake up and start flying around and smashing into things. It kills a lot of birds. That's why I'll never go to Disneyland. I mean, which would you rather have? Fireworks or birds?" The strange old woman said, serious as a heart attack.
Elliot and Olivia just looked at each other, thinking about their answers.
"Birds?" It was more of a question than anything. She hoped she had picked the right answer. Anything to get this lady to shut up.
"Fireworks." Elliot stated proudly. He looked over at Olivia who was standing behind the annoying woman, give him two thumbs up and nodding her head.
"Wrong, Birds help the environment." The woman stated while giving Elliot a disapproving look.
"You're a Jehovah's Witness, aren't you?" Elliot asked, realizing why they were getting nowhere with this.
They let the woman leave, finally figuring out that she wasn't going to be of any use to them.
Just another day.
That could have gone on forever. You have no idea. I have a book with years worth of quotes in it. I'm serious too. I write down anything I think is funny. The first part was Mom and Jordan. All the way until the comment about the "dirty Amish slut." That was me. I called my brother that. And he was like "I can't believe you just called me Amish..." Then it goes back to Jordan and Mom. Then the part about the woman's boobs still being in the right place...that was me. The old woman is a lady Mom goes to church with. She really is a Jehovah's Witness. Then the part about birds and firworks. That was me and my sister talking to the old lady. I said Firworks, by the way. I'm mean or something.