Title: Phantom Pains
Author: Ardith
Summary:
[10Rose Post Doomsday story. Rose contemplates life and loss as a new man enters her life. Takes place before Salamander Theory.

Inspired by Shakespeare's Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Her heart was broken. Rose Tyler only had one, unlike some beings in the universe, but the cracked little thing beat on as lamely as it could as the months passed. Her mother tried to reassure her that the pain would get easier. Of course her mother spent two decades without committing to another man after her husband died, so maybe she wasn't one who should give advice about coping.

Rose knew one thing, though. Everything she went through was worth it. The Doctor was worth it.

She played the words of their parting over and over again in her head. The Doctor was not a man anyone could easily forget.

But that was fine. He had marked her and she wasn't about to forget him. Ever-fixed mark, indeed. As her mother once complained that being with the Doctor changed her. That she would pass the years traveling and no longer be human. But Rose knew that her mother feared for her safety. And Rose understood how much the Doctor helped her grow. Being with him let her become stronger than she ever dreamt she could be.

If she let her mind wander for too long, she thought what he must be doing there. Did he find another companion? Was he off saving the world? Was she blonde? Brunette like Sarah Jane? Old? Young? The flare of jealousy was brief, but burned hot. She tried to suppress thoughts like that. Her Doctor had gone through so much. He needed someone to watch out for him every now and then. Even it couldn't be her.

Sometimes she thought she could feel him, like an echo in her mind. Mickey commented that she needed to go out a bit more often. Relax and explore this brave new world. She didn't want to tell him she liked feeling that echo of memory within her. That it comforted her, that feeling of him.

It was easy to be content in this world. Torchwood was satisfyingly full of mystery; working there sparked her curiosity and kept her on her toes. Her family was healed and happy. Her parents proved that throughout time, space, and universes there were just things that were meant to be. And Mickey remained her touchstone, steady and sure. One glance and they could communicate a world of comfort to each other. Strangers in a land that was not really strange, but just a wee bit off.

But something inside her was missing.

Today she felt the loss throbbing like a sore tooth. She couldn't help but pick at it, probing it to feel that sharpness within. Six months after that goodbye on the beach, her mother was giving birth. An impossible child, her mother teased. A child of two universes.

Jackie Tyler was the happiest Rose had ever seen her. Somehow it made her seem younger. All the insecurities she felt when she was twenty about love and Pete had melted away. Both Jackie and Pete had their love tested by death and their bond was now galvanized.

She closed her eyes, absorbing the sun's rays as the first tendrils of light begin to fill the sky. She stretched, reaching to work out the kinks from sitting for so long. Mickey snored softly in the couch. The smells of coffee and tea dulled the antiseptic smell of hospital that tinged the air. Soon, she would be a big sister. Her world was changing yet again. As if conjured by her thoughts, her father entered the room. He had changed out of the prerequisite O.R. scrubs back into street clothes.

"Mum and baby are well," her father announced, beaming from ear to ear. His face showed signs of tears, eyes tinged red. "Peter James Tyler, eight pounds, three ounces."

Rose squealed, running to hug her father. "Brilliant! Oi, Mickey! Wake up! Mum's had the baby!"

Mickey sat up, rubbing his eyes. "I heard, though that squeak really woke me up."

She hurried over to him, grabbing his hand and pulling him up. "Can we go in and visit mum? Does she feel well enough for us to see her."

"Yes, she's asking for you," he said tiredly, but his eyes sparkled with happiness. "They are settling her into the room now, so we can see her in a few minutes."

The suite was posh. Plushy decorated to ease the minds of wealthy mothers-to-be, Jackie was getting the best medical care possible. That eased her father's worries immensely. He had worried through the pregnancy, terrified that something might go wrong. Scared he might lose mum again. He was rung out with excitement and relief. Her mother reclined on the bed, cradling her son against her chest. The baby looked so small. So fragile. Rose bent forward and kissed her mother on the cheek. "He's beautiful, mum."

"He came into the world bit faster than you did, Rose, but I'm sure that Jamie will cause as much trouble," she smiled, looking at her son. "He's already got dad's hair," she said fondly looking at the almost bald head lightly fluffed with ginger.

"Can I hold him?" Rose asked.

Her mother gently placed the baby in her arms. The small, soft weight moved against her chest as her brother stretched his limbs a bit. "Hello, little man. We've been waiting for you."

She moved towards the window, carefully shielding his eyes from the weak rays of sunlight that filtered through the sheer curtains. "There's a big world out there and a huge universe. It's amazing and it's all waiting for you."

She could feel the tears rolling down her face, but she did not wipe them away.

New life.

The missing bit of her throbbed again. Can you feel phantom pain if you lose a bit of your soul?

The universe was so huge, so complex. She sometimes forgot that the tempest of time and space all boiled down to individuals. People just trying to live out their lives. Tiny blips in the vastness of the universe. But each one was so important. Rose breathed in the scent of baby powder, nuzzling his cheek as Jamie slept on. The baby would probably take over their lives. A tiny bit of humanity to rule the Tyler household.

Yes, the missing part still throbbed. She had been to the edge of doom and back. The world still turned. The universe teemed with life. And the ever-fixed mark on her heart would last till time ended. Even if life changed, that part of her never would.

The look in the Doctor's eyes when he watched her hurtling towards the void haunted her still. In that instant, she could almost feel his thoughts. The horror that she would die because she wanted to stay with him. The grief and relief when her father caught her, whisking her away to safety. Away from him.

He looked so lost.

She felt so lost, ravaged. But seeing him on the beach, she knew -- at least for that moment -- her Doctor was safe. And he knew she was alive in the bosom of her family. Separated forever to protect both universes.

But that was fine. Through time and space, he would always be part of her. And she knew that Rose Tyler would always be a part of him.