Title: Break me
Author: Anae-chan
Rating: NC-17 ala M
Pairing: Dean/Sam
Warnings: Slash. Don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own neither Sam nor Dean. Iäd be happy to, but they belong to Kripke&Co. And the song belongs to Savage Garden, the title is "Shake me Brake me".
Beta: pix
Feedback: I'd love to have it...
A/N: I don't like this fic personally, but the person to who it was written (flying without wings) did, so I put this here anyways. So, donät mind me and my opinions. '
Break Me
It isn't a sin to love someone. But it's a sin to love your very own brother. If someone knows that, they're Winchester brothers.
I never thought I'd change my opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I've never known
You moved me in a way that I've never known
Nothing was same it used to be. Sam Winchester knew that very well, and so did his big brother. They both had changed their opinions of each other's. The younger Winchester was sitting on an old couch that was going to crash down any second. Sam wrapped his hands around his legs. With his big, brown eyes and a little messed up hair, Sam really looked like a kicked puppy.
Sam glanced his big brother Dean, who was sitting on a bed's left side. Dean didn't look any different from before. He still has his own style, same old leather coat… And still, Sam knew everything has changed. Inside. The inner feelings.
Younger brother turned his head before brother's eyes met. No wonder nothing was same than before. Not after last night.
Is it normal to love your brother? Of course. Is it normal to have sex brother? No way. Dean wanted his brother, and Sam found it out last night. Yes, they had had sex. They both have kind of wanted it. But it had gone so wrong. The way they had done it… So, so wrong.
"What we're gonna do now?" Sam asked. He didn't hide the disgusting tone of his voice and he made sure Dean heard that too. "Pretend nothing happened?"
Dean didn't look his brother. He didn't dare. 'Good', younger of brothers thought, 'maybe he has even some regrets.' Big brother managed to keep his voice calm while answering. "That's the plan."
But straight away you just moved into position again
You abused me in a way that I've never known
You abused me in a way that I've never known
"So you do that again", Sam stated, mostly for himself. But he made sure big brother heard it too. The first time in his life, the younger Winchester really wanted to hurt his brother. A lot. "You go again to that stupid shield of yours. Like some turtle. You close the rest of the world out." 'Me too', little voice on Sam's head noticed, but young man forced himself not to care. "You really are a jerk."
Finally Dean lifted his head and stared his baby brother. Blue eyes were burning frantically. "You want me to do that again?"
"Go ahead", Sam answered, spitting the words out of his mouth. "I'm your little whore after all, remember?"
Baby brother had never seen his brother so hurted and furious. If Dean had decided to take him right there, he wouldn't have stopped him. But older Winchester didn't move an inch.
Sam turned his head quickly. He felt… conflicting. A part of him hated Dean so much and nearly wanted his death, whereas another part still loved him. After all, there was no denying: Dean was his big brother.
Younger brother felt tears in his eyes. No, he wasn't going to cry like some little kid. At least not in front of Dean.
Sam felt betrayed. Dean had somehow betrayed his trust last night though Sam had provoked him. And no matter what big brother would do, he wouldn't earn his brothers trust back. Never.
So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
How did it all happen so wrong? The beginning had simply been a couple of beers and Dean's confession that he loved Sam. Not only as a brother. Then, somehow, they had started to argue about all kinds of things. Their father, mother, job, Sam's visions… Everything.
Dean grabbed Sam's wrists and slammed him on the wall. Younger Winchester accidentally hissed with pain. But neither of the brothers brought themselves to care. "Don't you fucking say that!" Dean shouted.
Sam had enough his big brother and his blind trust on dad's doing. Yes, their dad had been a good trainer and hunter, but not much of a father. Not for Sam, at least. And above all, Sam was tired to watch his brother's hate of himself. "I do."
Dean's eyes widened and his voice were trembling though he tried to keep it calm. And the reason why older Winchester's voice trembled was far from sorrow. "You have no idea, no idea", Dean emphasized the words 'no idea', "what those son of bitches in jail wanted for you."
Younger Winchester sighed. How old Dean thought he was? Besides, he had eyes on his head too. "I knew all along. One of them even forced me to a kiss."
Now Dean's eyes looked like plates. "What?!" he yelled.
Sam felt really calm though his big brother was far from that. Younger of the brothers barked with a laughter. Dean was so pathetic. "Do you think you're any different from them? You want me. Just like they did."
Big brother lowered his head and looked the floor under his foots. He couldn't look Sam to eyes because he was right.
"You could do the same to me as one of them did", Sam continued. He nodded towards his own wrists that Dean was still holding. "You're stronger than I."
Suddenly Dean squeezed his brother's wrists enough to bruise. It happened so sudden, surprising Sam totally. He hissed again with pain.
"Why?" Dean asked, looking his brother with suspect. "Why you're saying these things? Why now?"
"'Cos you're so pathetic", was the answer. Then, for Dean's big surprise, Sam kissed him. When younger brother pulled back he said, his tone full of pity: "Was it so hard to kiss?"
Dean didn't answer and let go of Sam. They both were a bit drunk, and this was enough. Far more than enough. But his baby brother wasn't done yet.
"I had sex with one of them."
Dean moved fast. He slammed Sam again to the wall. This time he used force a lot, and it hurt a lot more than before. Sam let out a cry. It hurt lot more what he had thought…
"You did what?!" Dean shouted. His eyes were burning with pain. He does realized how much he cost pain for his brother, but he didn't care at all. Big brother had noticed one thing on Sam's words: he said sex, not rape.
"You heard me", Sam answered. The first time on their lives, both brothers were full of white burning hate and pain. Hate because what other has said… Pain because what other had said and because they were hurting each other… And they both wanted to hurt another even more. "I kinda was his whore for that night."
Dean hit his brother. "Don't you fucking say that!"
Sam tasted his own blood. He looked his big brother straight to the eyes. For a while he regret his words but… Sam pushed the regretting thoughts away. He had come this far, and he wasn't going back. Sam spit the words out. "Go ahead. If I was his whore, why I can't be yours? That's what you're thinking, right? Go ahead, bitch."
So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
So you're the kind that deals with the games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known
You confuse me in a way that I've never known
Older Winchester glanced his younger brother. How much damage one can do within one night? 'Not more than this', Dean told himself.
The first feeling in this morning had been regret, but Dean didn't blame himself anymore. Okay, it has been partly his fault too, but mostly Sam's. Sam had asked for it. Baby brother knew very well what he would do, and still continued driving his brother forward. Younger Winchester had always been good of knowing how someone else was feeling, and after that driving that someone to the way he wanted. Sam played games with other's minds. Like some goddamn psychologist.
Dean had been fighting against his feelings towards Sam for a long time. He had felt very lonely because he couldn't tell anyone about them. Big brother knew, dad would have killed him if he had told him. Besides, what he could have said? "Dad, um… I love Sam. Not only as a brother."
He barked with laughter. Yeah, right.
When Sam had a fight with dad and he left, Dean was able to maim his feelings and nearly forget their existence. But for big brother's shame, confusion and fear, they came back when he started to hunt with Sam.
Now Dean wasn't sure what to feel, not to mention what to do. There was this annoying silence between them; no nice words were said, only torturing accusation. Mostly there were no words.
After sitting in silence for a while, Dean had enough. He didn't want to be near Sam right now, he needed some space. 'And so does Sam', little voice mentioned inside his head. Because of that Dean stood up and walked straight to front door.
When older Winchester opened the door, Sam said quietly, without looking his brother: "Dean." 'Here we go', Dean thought. 'An apology.' But before Sam continued, big brother knew he was fooling himself. Neither of them was going to be sorry, not to mention to forgive.
Baby brother finished his sentence, and Dean left, slamming the door harshly behind him. He walked down the stairs, left the building behind and moved straight to his black Impala. Even seeing his own, loved car didn't make Dean feel better.
With a sigh older Winchester manage to get the car's motor running once again, leaving the place and his brother. For a while, at least.
So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
After Sam had provoked Dean, the older brother kissed his baby brother. At first younger Winchester didn't do anything, but soon he answered the kiss.
Taste of the kiss was neither good nor bad. Anyway, if it was something, it was far from love. Maybe it was partly both sided want, but who knows? The most describing word was bittersweet.
When brothers broke the kiss, Sam didn't wait Dean to do something. He wouldn't have done anything; he was so coward when it came to these things.
Sam licked Dean's ear for a while, which made the older brother nearly shiver. "Go ahead", baby brother whispered to Dean's ear. "Didn't I say it already?" Sam grabbed his brother's hand and moved it to his own chest. "For this night, I'm practically your whore. Whatever you're going to do, I won't stop you."
Dean didn't do anything. Even now, he wasn't provoked enough. Sam pulled his head back and looked straight to Dean. Brown and bluish-green eyes met. "Or are you that pitiful?" A pause. "Even he wasn't that pathetic."
That was the last straw. Older Winchester shifted his hand on Sam's back and pulled him closer. Then they kissed again, while Dean started to undo his brother's shirt. This time, there was nothing sweet in the kiss. Only bitterness.
Soon neither of them was wearing a shirt. Because Dean didn't make a move forward, Sam did. Dean was still holding his wrists, so only thing he could do was kiss once again. This time the kiss wasn't only bitter; it was nearly inciting and detesting.
When they broke the kiss, Sam knew how he could provoke Dean further. It was stupid, childish… but before he thought anymore, he said it. "You really are pathetic. And you're even worse kisser than he was."
The reaction was expected, maybe even hoped. Dean hit Sam to the bed. It hurt, but Sam had known that would happen so manage to stay quiet. While older Winchester started to undo Sam's belt, Sam thought: 'Here we go. It's useless to regret now what I've done.' A pause. 'And because of my doings, I really am idiot.'
Just break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
She says, "I can help you, but what do you say?
Because it's not free baby, you have to pay."
You just keep me contemplating, that your soul is slowly fading
Dean was sitting in a local bar. It was full, reminding a little bird's nest with a hawk. In other words, there simply were too many people on one tiny bar.
"Hey."
A young woman was standing in front of Dean's table. She had short, light brown hair and she was wearing a black top, a dark blue skirt and a pair of stripy knee-high socks. With her dark make-up she looked like an adult, but Dean was sure that girl was underage.
"Can I sit here for a while? I'm waiting my friend to come but she's late."
He nodded. Dean didn't want company, but no matter what he felt, he couldn't tell a pretty young lady to go away.
A nice silence didn't take long. "Everythin' all right?" girl asked, noticing Dean's despondent mode. "Can I help you?"
Older Winchester shook his head no. "Nope, you can't. I just had a fight with my baby brother." Dean wasn't sure what made him to tell that. Maybe it was girl's beauty? No. It was her want to help. And she wasn't even drunk.
She inclined her head, blue eyes looking straight to Dean. "Maybe you can make a truce?"
"I dunno. We both hurt each other very badly. Besides, I'm not sure if we can ever look each other in the same way what we did."
The girl gave him a sadly smile. Her beautiful eyes were full of compassion when she answered. "At least you talked your mouth clear, right?" She noticed her friend and stood up. The girl turned his back to Dean, and walked a couple of steps before turning glancing him over her shoulder. "You can't get anything for free. Whatever you do, you have to pay for that."
Then she disappeared to a crowd. Dean realized she was right but… Sam's words, before his leaving, echoed in his mind. 'Dean… I lied about that.' Big brother knew very well that Sam had meant that sex-thing. But why? Why Sam had lied about that and pushed his brother to have sex with him?
Dean didn't have an answer. To tell the truth, he had no idea. Older Winchester could only contemplate what Sam had in his head. It wasn't like him, not at all. What had happened to that soul which didn't want to hurt anyone?
God don't you know I live with a ton of regret?
'Cause I used to move you in a way that you've never known
If there was one feeling on the top of Dean's mind, it was regret. It was worse than anything he had felt before and it made his heart heavier than ever before. Like there would've been a ton of iron in his heart. And all that because of regret.
No, Dean wasn't sorry he had told Sam how he loved him. But he regretted what had happened in that night. It wasn't only his fault, but… That didn't make it be any righter.
But then I accused you in a way that you've never known
But you hurt me in a way that I've never known…
Sam was still sitting on that same, old couch that was going to crash down any second. It was strange when Dean wasn't around. 'But it's mostly my own fault.' Younger Winchester regret his words, hiss stupid little lie. One guy in jail had kissed him, but nothing else had happened.
Why he had claimed he had had sex with that guy? Sam didn't know. He'd been a bit drunk and he had had enough Dean's self-blaming attitude… Sam had even accused that Dean was pathetic. It was far from the truth. Big brother had saved him so many times…
But Dean had hurt him. With his words. A lot. He had said Sam was some kind of monster with his supernatural visions.
Sam felt hot, white burning tears in his eyes. How could he have done such things? After all, Dean was his brother for God's sake!
'I really am idiot…'
Break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
When Dean had taken Sam's pants off, baby brother felt a stab of guilt. He had made Dean to lose it.
All of a sudden Sam felt a hand on his cock. The feeling made him shiver. Dean leaned forward and bit his brother's lower lip but he didn't take his hand away.
With his fingers, Dean circled around Sam's cock. His movements were very slow and torturing. Sam bit his lip, refusing to let a moan out. Gosh, Dean was good…
Suddenly Dean wrapped his fingers around his cock and squeezed it a bit. Though squeeze was light it still hurt. A lot. That pain made Sam yelp.
"What's wrong, Sammy-boy?" older Winchester whispered to his brother's ear. "Isn't this what you wanted?"
'No.' Sam had never heard that tone in his brother's voice. Never. It was bittersweet, but above all it was threatening. At that moment, Sam really feared his brother.
Forcing his tone to normal, Sam answered: "Skrew you." He wasn't going to beg mercy. After all, without that lie of his, they wouldn't have ended up doing this. "If you're gonna take me, then do it."
"That's what I'm gonna do, don't worry", was the answer. Quickly Dean pulled back and took his hand off on Sam's cock. He spread Sam's legs a bit further and positioned himself.
Sam manage only bite his lip before Dean grabbed his hips and pushed all the way inside. Sam gripped the blanket and let out a weak cry. It… hurt.
While Sam was gripping the blanket his knuckles white, Dean began a slow rhythm. Sam forced himself thrust back. Moaning, crying, screaming each other's name, they both came.
Soon they were sitting one other and one another side of the bed. Neither of them was looking each other.
Sam cut the silence with simply, painful words. "I hate you."
Dean's answer wasn't any nicer. "You think I don't share the feeling?"
There was no answer. Only torturing silence. But both of the Winchester brothers knew: things were never going to be the same they used to be.
Just brake me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
Listen baby
You'll be, you'll be alone
Sam stood up and walked to the nearest window. Slowly he opened it. Cold wind hit straight to younger Winchester's face. It made Sam shiver.
He felt awful. He was hurting. A lot, actually. Physically too, but mostly mentally. Once again younger Winchester noticed that mental pain was worse than physical. He should've known that already, but it was one of those things that you forget when you're not feeling it.
Younger Winchester looked out of the window. It was morning, and people had started to come out their homes. Some for a walk, some to go to their jobs… Many different reasons. Sam sighed. There were so many happy people on the streets. It was like nothing bad could touch them.
Sam noticed one couple, which was having a fight. Woman slapped his partner and yelled: "You will be alone right from this moment!" Then she just… left. Her boyfriend, or actually her ex-boyfriend, left too, with hurry, face glowing red anger. Younger Winchester felt woman's word in his heart. Her words touched him too. He would be alone.
Break me shake me hate me take me make me
Fake me break me shake me hate me take me
Now Winchester brothers were separated, because of their own doings. Both of them wanted to go back time, and make it all undone. But even demons hadn't got that kind of powers, so how could do mere human do such a thing? There was only one answer: It was impossible.
One brother was standing next to a window; one was sitting on a bar. Younger of them was crying, unable to hold it back anymore. Older of them didn't cry, but one tear run on his cheek.
But it was enough.
They couldn't go back what they had. Both of them knew they could see each other for a while. Maybe never.
They had broken each other's hearts.
Break me