Title: Whispers In The Dark
Author: Yoshimara(slavetosuicide)
Rating: M
Pairing(s): ByakuyaxRenji
Warning(s): Songfic, shounen-ai, angst, language, hints of character death
Disclaimer: Tite Kubo owns Bleach and Skillet owns the lyrics. Yoshimara(slavetosuicide) owns the plot and all OCs (characters, places, etc.)
Summary: With the Winter War at an end, Byakuya is at a loss where his heart is concerned. Will he overcome his fears and take the plunge?
The air, electrified by emotion, rose in intensity. As the people on the streets of Sereitei continued to excitedly talk to one another with obvious happiness. Their joy, almost tangible, filled the air throughout the city. The Winter War had finally ended with Aizen's defeat and fewer casualties than expected. Those two announcements were sufficient to bring about such an explosion of ecstasy among the shinigami.
The only ones who weren't among the participants were the 6th Division's occupants. The leader, Kuchiki Byakuya, sat in his office doing his daily quota of paperwork. His steel gaze held their normal cold emotion as his faintly calloused hands scrawled his signature in elegant kanji. Setting the signed report to the side, Byakuya grabbed the next report on the small pile in front of him.
When he caught sight of the next file, the Noble paused in confusion. He looked closer at the handwriting on the paper before him and came to the conclusion that it wasn't his. As a matter of fact, he knew exactly who the owner of this chicken scratch was. A soft smile graced his features when a name popped into the front of his mind. 'Abarai Renji.'
The fiery red-head who had unintentionally worked his way into the elder's heart with every brash thought and movement, was also his subordinate. Reclining slightly in his wooden chair, he leaned his head back so he stared out of the window above him. The sakura blossoms danced by in the silent wind as the taicho's thoughts ran rampant.
He still remembered the day that he had cut his loyal companion down, soaking the streets with Renji's blood. The look in those rich colored eyes—shock, pain, and defeat. But Byakuya could see the underlying happiness and respect in them, and remembered how it made him pause back then. He wouldn't deny that some part of him regretted lifting Senbonzakura to his fukutaicho, but being raised in a family that taught one to abide by the rules had snuffed that part of him quickly. And to think, all of that bloodshed was to save his sister...
The thought of Kuchiki Rukia made the Noble hitch his breath, a wave of sorrow washing over him. He could see his beloved Hisana in her every reaction and emotion. Closing his eyes, Byakuya relaxed his breathing as the breeze ran through the open window and over his skin in ripples. Even though her death had been years ago, it still pained him because his heart had belonged to her, whether she wanted it to or not.
Has it really been that long? he mused while straightening in his office chair once more, opening his slate eyes and returning his attentions to his paperwork. It wouldn't do to have the 6th Division leader to skip out on his duties just to be lost in thought on things that should stay hidden. Time seemed to speed up and before he knew it, the door to his serene office opened to reveal Abarai Renji. Momentarily, the Noble lifted his stony gaze from the schedule he was working on to look his fukutaicho over, even if it was for a brief moment.
The red-head was slightly disheveled, a faint pink tinge to his tanned cheeks as his breathing was faintly labored. His normally white headband was soaking wet with sweat the Noble had noticed was gleaming on his skin, displaying the exotic tattoos underneath. His hair, which was normally somewhat tamed in a wild ponytail, had a few loose strands plastered to his skin. But despite his messy appearance, an accomplished smile that reached his eyes lip up his face. "Ohayo, taicho!" Renji cried, his tone vaguely breathless but holding pure glee in it.
The taicho's heart thudded painfully in his chest at the state of his comrade looking so deliciously blissed. A faint frown tugged on Byakuya's lips before they twitched back into his cool mask. "Ohayo, fukutaicho. You look a bit out of breath. Daijoubu desu ka?" The Noble queried, his tone neutral as his gaze fell back to the page that sat before him.
Rustling movements sounded about the room as Renji took to putting Zabimaru in it's place on the stand next to his chair before taking his seat at his desk. "Daijoubu," came the reply in a rushed sigh, "the new guys are doin' much better. Took 'em out for hollow patrollin' today. Only a few minor injuries."
"Hm," Byakuya murmured, writing something down before looking over the paperwork at Renji to watch his subordinate logging his activities for the day. It would be pointless for him to deny that he felt something akin to a connection with this man before him. He watched silently as his fukutaicho worked diligently, his brow faintly furrowed in concentration while he just glowed of pride and happiness.
Seeing Renji in that state made the Noble's heart flutter again. But the moment passed when those dark eyes bore straight into his own, the successful aura dissipating and forming into one of faint concern. "Taicho? Daijoubu desu ka?" At the rough but low purr of the red-head's voice did Byakuya blink to regain focus. "Aa," he replied, "when you're finished, you may go home for the rest of the day." Returning his attention to his documents, the older man missed the shocked expression on his subordinates face with the hesitant "hai, taicho" to follow.
oOo
The day passed quickly as Byakuya had arrived home, the files he worked on finally completed. Upon walking through the door, one of his servants greeted him politely, "Okaerinasai, Kuchiki-sama. Shall I get you anything?" His stony gaze fixed upon the young woman before him who stood at almost the height of his sister.
The girl was young, with bright hazel eyes and shoulder-length glossy chestnut hair. She was always his 'favorite', if you had to put a label on it. The Noble always knew she couldn't do much in ways of physical labor due to a few ailments that prevented her from doing so, but she still catered to him if he needed trivial things. "Arigato, Aiko-koshimoto. Please bring some tea to the gardens." With a deep bow and a lovely smile, she replied, "Hai, Kuchiki-sama."
He watched the young girl leave, a slight limp in her step despite her best efforts to hide it. When she disappeared into the kitchen, Byakuya strode to his sanctuary of sakura trees and nature. Taking his seat underneath one of the larger trees, he folded his legs neatly underneath him while folding his hands on his lap. The smooth bark of the large plant behind him felt firm but not uncomfortable and he closed his eyes, letting his mind wander.
It had been months since that fateful battle with Renji, and he could see the change in the red-head, despise its subtlety. His fukutaicho seemed at peace, acting in a way that wasn't always challenging like it used to be. He never complained about the tasks he was assigned, nor did he show up late for work due to massive drinking parties hosted by Matsumoto-fukutaicho. These things pleased the Noble, although he wouldn't tell Renji outright. Instead, he gave the younger shinigami a few hours off during the day as payment, figuring he would guess why the reward was given.
And recently it seemed that his subordinate would steal glances at him when he didn't think he'd notice. He never called him on it, however. That would be highly hypocritical, which was unacceptable. Byakuya had a feeling that the 'admiration' his fukutaicho expressed went deeper than he let on, and it didn't bother him. Not one bit. Because if he could have the chance, he'd take the red-head in his arms and never let go.
The sounds of light, off beat footsteps caused his steel eyes to open. Aiko was heading towards him with a delicate tray that housed his tea. Noticing the soft blue and white cups with a bell-like floral pattern and matching pot, his lips twitched into a faint smile. It was his favorite set that Renji had gotten for him for his birthday while he was visiting Kurosaki in the mortal world. She carefully placed the tray on top of a flat rock to the Noble's right and poured him a glass of the steaming amber fluid. "Here you are, Kuchiki-sama. Is there anything else?"
With a shake of his head, he dismissed her with an order to stay off of her ankle, which he now realized was slightly swollen. Aiko gave a deep bow and left, the calming silence returning to the peaceful garden. His gaze flitted to the sky which was now painted in orange and violet hues, a signal that dusk was emerging. Grasping the small tea cup in his hands, he tentatively took a sip before holding it in his lap. The sweet flavor rolled along his tongue in rivulets before running down his throat, immediately calming him more.
His thoughts continued to drift and before long he found himself lost in possible scenarios had his situation been different. If he wasn't so weak, so dependent on public images and reputation, he would have taken that plunge sooner. If Renji hadn't forced himself into the stoic taicho's heart, maybe he wouldn't be bothering with this now. Scattered images of the fukutaicho's silly grin slathered in blood floated to light before Byakuya pushed them down with a startled gasp.
With each moment that passed and half of the tea finished, he realized that he was to blame for his unhappiness, even if it was self inflicted. The Noble couldn't face another heartbreak if something were to happen to his fukutaicho. No, he couldn't put himself in that position again. Not after losing Hisana to an illness—what if, kami-sama forbid, Renji were to be lost in battle? Repeated images of that day where the fiery shinigami lay face down in his own blood shuttered by and he shook his head slowly, almost like he was in some kind of trance.
Unknowingly, a tear slid down his pallid cheek at the mere thought of the pain, causing his gray eyes to shimmer in the diminishing light.
The hours ebbed into the night, another servant had come and refilled his tea after lighting the lanterns that lined the mansion. She didn't say a word, and it was for the best since he wouldn't have paid her any mind anyways. He was too busy lost in his sorrow and self-loathing, knowing he could fall apart. The tears continued to silently fall as the memories and false thoughts flooded him; the look in Hisana's eyes as she took her last breath, the pain he caused Rukia with his cold demeanor, all of the blood that was unnecessary, that smile he had grown to adore on that tanned face...
It wasn't until he heard a distinct "Taicho?" that he looked up to see he wasn't alone anymore. Gray eyes widened in shock, another tear threatening to break through. Byakuya was so lost in himself that he didn't even sense his fukutaicho's reiatsu drawing near. Renji walked over to the Noble and knelt down in front of him, his dark amber eyes holding many levels of concern and confusion at the faint redness around his own eyes. "Daijoubu desu ka?"
Silence followed the question before the Noble let his eyes fall back to his tea cup which was empty again. Blinking his eyes, he tried to pull his reiatsu inside of himself, attempted to wrap the tears back inside; and despite the years of training as the head of the Kuchiki clan and as a Gotei 13 taicho, he couldn't do it. His eyes ached when they fogged over with tears, his breathing hitched slightly as he bit back a silent sob. He had to be reserved, had to be the 'ice princess' everyone knew him to be. But the warm presence near him found it to be fruitless, and in the corner of his eye, he saw the frown tugging at Renji's lips while he vaguely thought that it didn't suit him.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
"Taicho," Renji said quietly, but paused, as if waiting for some kind of reaction. Seeing none from the stoic taicho, he pressed on, "do you want to talk about it?"
Byakuya looked at him again, his vision blurred with the damned tears that wouldn't stop now that they've been unleashed. "I highly doubt you would understand, Abarai-fukutaicho." His voice was almost a whisper and he hated it. He sounded so small, so weak.
Despite all the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
Silence passed between the two and the Noble turned his gaze to the tea pot, refilling his cup before taking another sip. He knew his evasion could be seen as a way of not willing to deal with anything, but at the moment he couldn't care less since his normal stoic gaze had begun to crack. When Renji spoke again, his voice made the elders chest warm slightly with his tone, "I don't have to understand anything if talking will make you feel better, taicho." Pausing, Byakuya looked over to the red-head for a moment, pondering his decision.
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire
Closing his eyes, Byakuya took a deep breath, deciding to give this a shot. Because if he couldn't trust his fukutaicho, who could he trust? It seemed no one knew when he needed something until his subordinate had faced him with it boldly, even if his voice quivered and his body shifted uncomfortably, but his aura and his eyes always showed what they needed to. Determination not found on a battlefield, and courage no warrior could ever possess.
"I guess it started when Hisana fell ill," he began quietly, his eyes opening slowly to stare into his lap. "She was everything to me. Yet, it hurt to know that she was slipping away, and there was nothing I could. Do you know what that's like?" He asked rhetorically before continuing without needing a response that wouldn't come, "I was powerless. And when she—passed away, it was like my whole world crashed." As the words tumbled from his lips, he could feel the sorrow chip away from his heart.
"I was so alone," he whispered weakly before taking another sip of his tea to moisten his throat that had begun to ache.
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
Placing the small cup in his lap again, Byakuya took no notice to the cold wind that passed by. It stung his wet cheeks harshly, and the Noble's eyes closed once more to hide the shiver as best as he could. He was successful and he felt his resolve thickening. The gaze from the red-head seared his pale flesh, but he made no move to rectify his comfort.
"Yet, I bore it," Byakuya stated with a tone that held confidence, "I pushed aside my heart and upheld my pride, along with her wishes. It wasn't until you were laying in the street, on the brink of death did I realize what I had done." His mind replayed that grisly scene, how he had acted so cold but out of some kind of reform did he lay his beloved scarf over his fukutaicho's broken and bleeding body. Another shiver ran down his spine, a tear escaping with the movement and he couldn't stop it.
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
"I couldn't take any of it back," the Noble continued, referring both to his uncalled for actions and his cold behavior towards everyone and everything. His eyes glanced up towards the now darkened sky that was heavily smothered with clouds. Unconsciously the Noble thought of rain, but it didn't exactly register.
His gaze traveled back to Renji to see that he had moved to sit next to the 6th Division leader, a hand on his forearm—a show of silent support and encouragement. 'I'm still here,' that gesture screamed, giving the Noble a pleasant hum where the contact originated on his flesh.
Staring into each other's eyes, Renji squeezed the slim but firm limb that was in his grasp. "I think it gave us all a scare, taicho," he said, referring to the ryoka incident. His tone was kind, like a tiger's low growl of approval and it sent chills down the elders spine.
When those words left Renji's lips, the facade Byakuya held in his eyes crumbled and the tears fell once more in such waves that it felt his skin would break. "But," his fukutaicho continued, "it was a good thing. Ya eased up when Rukia was in danger, and ya helped me learn bankai.." With this last sentence, the Noble rose a slender eyebrow in question.
"Ya see," Renji said, his gaze falling to the garden floors, "I always wanted ta surpass ya. But when ya struck me down, I realized that it wasn't true. Yeah, I trained hard, but if it helped ya see that ya needed ta feel as everyone else, I don't blame ya."
When the red-head looked back up, he saw the shocked look in his taicho's eyes, even thought it was subtle. He did this—for me?
Clearing his mind once again, Byakuya closed his eyes as a rumble of thunder occurred overhead. Neither man paid it any mind. All that mattered was the one in front of the other. In a quiet but stern tone, Byakuya broke the tranquility, "Abrai-fukutaicho, that is not my main concern." Opening his eyes to reveal the hurt and sorrow in them, he disregarded the droplets of water that began hesitantly then roared into a swift downpour.
You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay there broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses
"Ah, gomen," was the quiet reply. Byakuya turned his head to look at his fukutaicho, placing the cup upon the tray that was now filling with rainwater. Using his other hand, he reached out hesitantly to touch Renji's chin. Bringing the younger gaze to his, the Noble didn't bother to hide himself with his next words. He knew, with his confession, it would either be his undoing or it would be the one thing to fix him.
"My concern is you, Renji." When his desires' first name fell from his moist lips, it tasted so beautiful. To add to the wondrous taste was the red-head's speechless and shocked gaze. It would have been comical in other circumstances, of course, but the Noble could only take another short breath to continue, "I fear I've not kept my heart from feeling as much as I thought. But with this fondness—," Byakuya paused in mid sentence to discover the sudden change in Renji's expression.
I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire
It had slacked to a sudden softness the Noble never imagined he'd see on those masculine features. Those lovely dark eyes shone brightly in the misty rain and lamplight. They glowed with such warmth that left the elder breathless for a moment; a true beauty that he thought he would never bear witness to ever again. Byakuya's thumb moved to caress Renji's lower lip, soft and silky to his own surprise.
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
"I don't think—," he continued, pausing to swallow around the lump in his throat, as his thumb rested on the corner of that delectable mouth, "I just can't put myself in that position again. I couldn't—couldn't..." the Noble trailed off, another onslaught of tears mingling with the rain. Thousands upon thousands of images played in his mind of his beloved hurt in so many ways by so many things. He wielded so much power, yes, but even that power has its limits.
This is pointless, a dark voice perked up in his subconscious, even if something would happen, it'd just be taken away and where would that leave you? Lost and alone...always the Kuchiki-hime to mourn for his losses. His hand dropped from the warm skin and he slowly rose to his feet. "Gomen, Renji. It would be best if you left." Beginning his trek towards the Kuchiki mansion, he took a deep breath to calm himself.
"Taicho! Ya don't have ta worry about that," came Renji's swift reply, the sounds of sloshing footsteps behind him resounded over the drone of the rain. The Noble halted when a firm, calloused hand grasped his slender elbow with enough force to make them both pause but not enough to cause harm. "Yer frettin' over somethin' that most likely won't happen. I know yer afraid but yer hurtin' yerself in the long run."
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Byakuya wanted to believe he could do this, that he could let the man he had wanted for so long into his heart and soul. That warm hand radiated the mutual compassion that rebounded from both of them. He'll leave you, a dark voice spoke up in his mind, just like she did. Dismissing the voice with a slight furrow of his brow, he felt his walls beginning to re-instate themselves among him. He wouldn't put himself in that position again!
"Renji," he spoke, tone of a defeated man wavering in the air. "I just can't—it may be selfish, but I refuse to kill myself all over again if it was decided." If something happened to you, was what lied behind behind those words and the younger shinigami knew it.
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
With those words the Noble had confessed, he closed his eyes in an attempt to rid himself of the tears. His current mental state made him feel so exhausted. He was thinking too much, he knew. But how could he calm these fears when he really wanted to just be happy for once? When he opened his eyes again, he saw Renji in front of him, looking at him with determined amber eyes. "Ya think I'm gonna die in battle or somethin'?" Water ran down his tanned skin, following the lines of his tribal tattoos. He looked utterly beautiful as his hair plastered to his flesh, that firm jawline clenched in such a way that it looked as if he were chewing on the inside of his cheek in a nervous gesture.
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
The Noble didn't answer, keeping his gaze level with his subordinates'. The rain pelted all over him and he was beginning to catch a chill, he noticed. If they were to continue this conversation, they had to take this somewhere warm. But he honestly had said all that needed to be said. Why was Renji pushing him again? Opening his mouth to tell his fukutaicho to leave, Renji uttered a harsh "Urusai!" It shocked Byakuya to comply when otherwise he would have glared and punished him.
As swiftly as the command, Renji crashed his lips to the raven-haired beauty's. A shock ran through Byakuya that made him stiffen at the contact but ended up releasing a faint moan, his slate eyes sliding closed and grasping onto the arm that still held him to his spot. The taste, kami-sama, it was delicious! It had a certain spice to it that the Noble could only associate it with the Rukongai street rat. The feel of those lips on his own had only been possible in his dreams. His worries seemed to drain away at the touch, and he felt himself shiver in the cold rain that poured over both of them.
Whispers in the dark
Nothing else mattered to the pair, only focusing on each other's presence. Byakuya began to warm as he thought of what this could mean. His fukutaicho returned his feelings, and didn't think him weak for pouring out his fears and worries. It made him feel so much lighter compared to the heavy heart he bore daily. The tears seemed to cease as the kiss dragged on, both men growing closer until their chests pressed against one another, heartbeats matching in their fevered pace.
Whispers in the dark
Maybe he could give his heart another chance, seeing as Renji wouldn't let him otherwise. And possibly that would be a good thing. Arms wrapped around his neck as his own moved around muscular hips. The heat resonating between them grew intense as teeth nipped his bottom lip. Parting from that addicting taste, the Noble whispered, "Inside, Renji."
Whispers in the dark
Hours later found the 6th Division's leader dressed in a sleeping kimono of pure white, his kensaikan nowhere to be seen presently. The room presently smelled of both men and it sent a flutter in the Noble's heart. He lent against the wall of his bedroom, gazing out into the misty horizon. The storm had passed halfway through the night. Maybe, he thought as strong arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind, things will be alright.
Looking behind himself, he saw vibrant red hair and tanned flesh with bits of blackened ink. That musky scent he knew as Renji's flowed around him, along with the comforting warmth of his reiatsu. Letting his gaze fall back to the dawning sky, he placed his hands over the red-head's arms, smiling ever so faintly. Just maybe, this will work.
Whispers in the dark
0o0
Well, that's another songfic for ya! The song is supposed to represent Renji's thoughts through out the entire encounter, since I was apparently lazy when I hand-wrote this and didn't input anything in his PoV... This kinda played in my mind on the ride back from my trip to VA. For those of you who are new to the Japanese language, here's the translations for what's within:
shinigami- God of Death
fukutaicho- vice-captain
taicho- captain
Ohayo- Good Morning
Daijoubu desu ka?- Are you alright?
Daijoubu- I'm fine
Aa- yes
Hai- yes
Okaerinasai- Welcome home (formal)
sama- suffix giving utmost respect (usually in 'godlike' meaning)
koshimoto- suffix when one is refering to a female servant (had to google that one!)
ryoka- one not aligned with Soul Society
gomen- I'm sorry
hime - princess
Urusai- shut up
kami-sama – God
kensaikan- the headpiece Byakuya wears
If I missed any, let me know and I'll edit it! Thank you all for sitting through this rubbish. :grin: Take care!
04/29/09: Edited for spelling and grammar errors.