A/N - Not related to One Year. Somedays I can relate so much with Jane. Others with Maura. Today I can relate with Jane. And this is just how I imagine Jane feels about her relationship with Maura. Or at least, this is how I read into it.
April 30th 2013.
Damaged goods. That's how I refer to myself. Damaged goods. Why? Because that's who I am, that's what I am. I'm the dented can you find on the back of the shelf and you grab it because its half price and you're out of options.
Maura's not. Maura is at the front, expensive and everyone wants her. People would give anything for her.
Why in the fuck she wants me I have no idea. But she does. I wonder if she had an ulterior motive, if its pity. Is that it? She knows how broken I am and she pities me. Pity love.
And why am I letting her love me? She's just going to leave. She's going to realise how broken I am, she's going to realise how pathetic I am. She's going to leave. Everyone always does. It all becomes too much one day.
I'm so broken, so damaged and so unworthy of her and she's going to realise one day.
She's going to wake up one day and wonder why she spent so much time with someone like me.
I can't even love her properly. I can't be open with our relationship because I'm so scared of the few people I have left leaving me. I'm so terrified of losing it all that I'm losing her and I have no idea how to have it all.
And I want to tell her everything, I want to beg her to stay, and for some reason I keep giving her reasons to leave, and I won't give myself to her fully because I know she'll leave and then where will be if I give myself to her? Heartbroken and watching her walk away and be happy while I sit in a corner with what? Nothing.
And yet I can't break it off.
I want her.
So...what do I do while she's still here?
I keep asking myself that.
Because while she's still here I'm happy. I think about her, and when she walks into a room I'm never happier. And that's why it will hurt so much when she leaves.
I want her.
I want her so much. And she tells me she wants me. But I don't deserve her. But I can't let her go. But I can't keep her. And I keep giving her opportunities to leave, but I never tell her to go. And I know she'll leave me one day but I can't bring myself to accept it, I dread it. I dread the day she leaves. And even when I think about when she will leave, I can't bring myself to be angry. Because I understand why she'll leave. I understand her reasons. Because I'm me. And why would she settle for someone like me when she can have someone better? Someone not damaged, someone not pathetic, someone who can tell everyone about their relationship and look after her and protect her. Someone who's not so terrified to lose it all that she'll risk the best thing that ever happened to her.
She'll leave me for someone who's the exact opposite to me.
Damn it.
-Jane.