Thank you for reading. I do not own any of the Mass Effect characters or any aspect of that fictional world.
Kaidan stared down at the spare, cold metal bar in his hands. It took Tali less than ten minutes to make official memorial slabs for Anderson, Edi, and Shepard. It hardly diverted her from her more vital repair tasks at all.
As the only Spectre on board, and ranking Alliance officer, he'd been in the comm room since the crash, trying to hail someone. Anyone. So far he'd mostly been patching the broken pieces of the comm system together. Edi was much more vital to everything on the ship than they'd realized, and now Edi was gone. Joker was practically catatonic with shock and grief. A tiny, horrible part of Kaidan was satisfied to see him like that. He was trying without success to smear that awful little voice into nothingness, because taking any satisfaction from another man's grief was just wrong. But, that little part of him argued, if Joker hadn't been so damn stubborn Shepard wouldn't have died the first time. . .
The first time. Jesus. Because now there was a second time.
Liara had come to get him from the comm room. She'd been fairly gentle about it, but very firm. The sun hadn't even set on the day they began by trying to wipe out all the Reapers, and the crew wanted to officially mourn their dead so they could get on with living. They all knew that Anderson and Shepard were on the Citadel. And the Citadel exploded. It exploded with such force that their ship had been shoved through Heaven knew how many mass relays before crashing on this jungle world. No one and nothing could have survived the destruction of the Citadel.
Moving briskly along was all very proper and soldierly. He'd gotten through his speech on Anderson with barely a crack. But now, now he was holding a cold steel rectangle with her name on it. Commander Jamie Shephard. It wasn't even her proper full name. Just what they'd always called her.
He couldn't decide if using the name she'd chosen was good or bad.
"Shepard was the most resilient person any of us ever knew," he said. He had to start somewhere. Had to cut into the silence before he lost it and started crying or some other damn fool thing. "She was orphaned at a young age back on Earth, but out here in the stars we were her family. She had a reputation for being ruthless, after what happened at Torfan. But the lives that were lost under her command that day weighed heavily on her. From the moment I met her, she never missed a chance to save a life, or make a bad situation better. She threw herself into self- sacrifice after self-sacrifice like she was trying to make up for Torfan. But we know she. . ." his voice trailed off. She left the galaxy a better place.
He tried to swallow, but his throat and mouth were dry. He was a marine, for Christ's sake, he could make it through one funeral speech.
Just not this one.
"Kaidan?" Liara's voice was soft, unpressing. She'd grown a ruthless streak after Shepherd died the first time, but she was still terribly deferential.
Both times, when Shepard died, she'd ordered him out of harm's way. And he'd gone. Because he respected her. Because he was a soldier, and he was under her command. Because to do otherwise would be to risk her in a more grievous way, like Joker had three years ago. Last time, there was a memorial service but no body. Last time, he'd lost himself in work and closed off. He'd accepted she was gone, because they'd all seen the wreck of the Normandy. Not having a body to grieve over was just a risk of space travel.
But they were all wrong. All of them except Liara, who found her body and delivered it up to people who could bring her back from the dead. Liara had believed when he couldn't.
The only thing keeping him from insisting they go on a search and rescue mission right now, with all their limited food and fuel and their broken ship, was the weight of command. It sat heavy on his shoulders, in his chest, making it hard to breathe. He couldn't act rashly or out of panic or fear or grief. He had to make logical decisions based on facts. Or else, people might not make it. Already Dr. Chakwas had voiced a concern for Garrus and Tali, because the machine to make their dextro food was broken. He needed to get that fixed, or get them food. He needed to get his ship moving. He had to check for other survivors. He needed to make sure the Reaper threat was gone, and reorganize the resistance if it wasn't. All of Shepard's old responsibilities lay on him now, because there sure as hell wasn't any one else who could or would do it.
He looked down at the placard in his hands. Everyone was tense, silent. Watching to see what he would do. No doubt if he sounded truly insane they'd lock him in the cargo hold and someone else would be in charge.
"I know the damage to the Citadel was catastrophic," Kaidan started, feeling his way. "But the damage to the Normandy three years ago was catastrophic, too. Shepard is too important to too many different people to just be left like so much debris. Unless she was scattered to atoms, someone is going to find her. And that someone better be us."
"Kaidan," Tali said, "No one could have survived that. Not even Shepard. That blast was huge. I want her to be alive, too. But wanting . . . it doesn't make it so."
"I'm with Kaidan," Garrus said, relaxing by inches. "Even dead, someone will want to collect Shepard. As long as I have breath in my body, that someone is going to be the people who love her."
"We can't go for the Commander until we have the FTL drive back online," Vega said, gesturing at the walls of the ship.
"Right," Kaidan said, sweeping the placard behind him and coming to a parade rest. "We're going after Shepard." There. Heart's deepest desire stated in a firm voice, just like the decision came from some reason or logic. He'd told her he couldn't lose her again and he'd meant it. So he hadn't lost her yet. Not until he saw her dead and rotted.
"Right now, this is a rescue mission," he continued. "We may learn new information that turns this into a recovery mission. But right now, this is a rescue mission." He looked each crew member in the face, pausing. "Tali is in charge of getting us up and running again. Everyone is detailed to helping her, except for Specialist Traynor, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas." Joker rolled his eyes, his defensive sneer firmly in place. Kaidan knew losing Edi was going to hit him really hard, and he needed Joker to be more functional than that. "Joker and Dr. Chakwas will be evaluating our food and medical needs and attempting to keep us all alive long enough to get back to civilization." The doctor would watch over Joker better than anyone else could. They were part of the original Normandy crew. It was the best he had for now.
He paused, to see if this sudden reversal in direction was going to draw any protest. When it didn't, he said "Everyone, you are dismissed to your duties. Traynor, with me."
He started off to the comm room. Liara followed him. She looked like hell, still in her bloodied armor from the battle for Earth.
"You're going to get the comm system working again," Liara said.
"It's going to be a challenge without. . . without Edi," Traynor said. She wasn't doing well either. "But I think I can do it."
"I'm going to help you," Liara said. He decided not to argue. Actually, she could be useful. She knew people as the Shadow Broker that he'd never met in his more official channels. She waited until Kaidan turned to look at her to tilt her head and raise her eyebrows at him. Live long enough, and skeptical worry doesn't even need words. She was still wearing her red armor, from Earth. He would have been too if his hadn't been wrenched off him in the med bay. Some of the blood on her side was his.
"Look, if she somehow survived that blast there's no way we can make it back in time," he said. All of the things that had been circling his mind since the crash came spilling out. "But we don't have to be the ones to pick her up. I have a lot of contacts with the Earth military, and you're the Shadow Broker. Between us we have to know some folks who have working ships back on Earth, who can mount a rescue mission to the Citadel. We just need to get in contact with them."
"That's why you're prioritizing this over fixing the rest of the Normandy," Liara said. He grimaced. Shepard would never have been caught in such a blatant tug of war between emotion and duty.
"We have to figure out where we are, comms would help with that. And we have to know if it worked, if the Reapers are gone. . ." He took a deep breath. "But yeah. Yeah, that's why."
"Good." Specialist Traynor didn't seem bothered by that revelation in the slightest. "This is one of the most advanced communication systems in the galaxy. A prototype. It will be difficult to get it working without Edi."
"When I was running my operations from your XO room, I had to tweak the communications a little. To make them harder to trace." Liara smiled in memory. "Edi gave me the tutorial on this system, but I insisted on doing a lot of the modifications myself. To be sure that I could lock her out if need be."
Kaidan was almost diverted to ask what Liara could possibly have been up to that she thought Edi would object. But he was too focused on the important part. "If Edi gave you the tutorial, you know this system better than anyone else on this ship."
"Yes," Liara said, calling up her omni tool. "That is correct."
"Excuse me," Specialist Traynor said. "This happens to be my area of expertise."
"I said almost anyone," Kaidan said. Traynor rolled her eyes and bent to the communication system. She'd never much liked him. He hadn't forgotten the "frozen pyjak" she served him at Shepard's party- the drink made from whatever was on her spill pad. But if she could get this communication array working, she'd be his new favorite person.
Most ship communication systems relied on a tight beam communication relay from ship to ship, and then messages could be carried through the mass relays on physical ships. The quantum entanglement communication array was much better now that the mass relays were broken. Probably broken. The blast that drove the Normandy to this garden world was certainly big enough to have broken the relays.
The world narrowed to individual coding sequences. He wasn't the best at this, but he knew enough to get by, and he had Liara and Traynor to learn from right in front of him. The hardware was mostly intact. Bless Joker's quick reflexes. It was the software that was in shambles. He was getting a real sense of what Edi had done, and been, for this ship. Now that she was gone the software for the ship was practically eviscerated.
A throat cleared loudly behind him, and Kaidan jumped. He looked up at the door and noticed for the first time that everything was bright around the edges. His head was heavy with pain. For some reason the migraines didn't bother him so much when he was focused on something.
Oh, and this was one of the nauseous ones. His stomach was in full blown rebellion, verging on guerrilla warfare. Perfect. He'd managed to totally ignore the complaints of his body while he was focused in on the software. It was Dr. Chakwas standing in the doorway. She had water packs in one hand and nutrient packs in the other, and she was looking expectantly at the three of them.
"I gave you five hours before I came in," she said. She held out the water first, both Kaidan and Traynor took it gratefully. Liara waved her off. "I thought whatever it was you were trying to accomplish would take at least that long. Major, how are you feeling?"
"Fine, Ma'am," he said reflexively. Dr. Chakwas narrowed her eyes at him. He took a drink of water. Without flinching. Years of practice pretending his migraines were just a minor inconvenience paid off. He generally didn't try to hide pain from the good doctor, though, that was just a dumb plan.
But if she offered him pain meds right now, he would probably take them. Self control could only get him so far. The pain in his head narrowed the whole world. Pain meds would knock him right out. It had to be at least thirty six hours since he'd woken up on the day that they were going to start up the Crucible. He couldn't sleep until he knew someone was searching for Shepard. She could be bleeding out slowly somewhere right now. She could be crouched in the ruins of the Citadel waiting for rescue, her air slowly running out.
"Major, it was barely ten hours ago that I was patching up your internal bleeding," Dr. Chakwas said. Kaidan opened his arms and smiled reassuringly.
"Give me a scan, doc. If I'm bleeding, I'll go to Medbay with you. Otherwise I really need to finish this here," Kaidan said.
Dr. Chakwas keyed up her omni tool and waved it in front of him. She frowned at her readings.
"Am I bleeding again?" he asked. She probably could tell that his migraine had started up. Water and food would help. Even if it was military rations.
"My temporary patches seem to be holding fine, yes," Dr. Chakwas said. She lowered her arm and stared at him. Her thin lips pressed together to form a pale line. He realized that she must be worried about him. But he didn't have room in himself to care, just now.
"I need your help with something, Doctor." Kaidan took the nutri packs from her and set them down between Traynor and himself. Traynor took one immediately. Dr. Chakwas came almost to attention. "I need a stimulant. This needs to get done. As gentle as you can manage, so I don't drop like a marionette with its strings cut when they wear off. But I need something a few kicks stronger than coffee. Can you get me something?"
"In my medical opinion that's a very bad move," Dr. Chakwas said. He shook his head. Or he started to. Gingerly.
"Every minute counts," Kaidan said. Dr. Chakwas nodded. Reluctantly. But she'd do it. "I need you to keep an eye on Joker, too."
Dr. Chakwas snorted. "Both eyes. Aye aye, Major." Then she left. Kaidan took a few bites of his nutri pack. His stomach hated it, but he knew from long experience that his head would feel better sooner if he ate.
"I did not wish to be rude to the good doctor," Liara said. "But I believe we have the comm running. Well, nearly. We will have to find some way to seek out signals. But Specialist Traynor can do that in thirty minutes or so. First, we should give some thought to what we will say when we get someone on the line."
Kaidan looked at her for a long moment, food forgotten in his hand. He could get Hackett to search for Shepard, yes! But they had so much to figure out, to plan. And Liara looked like he felt.
"Are you sure you don't want to go grab yourself a shower? Change of clothes?" Kaidan gestured at her nutri pack, which she hadn't even looked at. "Something to eat?"
"No, thank you. This will be faster." Liara turned to the comm system once more. This wasn't focus. This was something else.
"Liara," he began, but she abruptly turned her omni tool off and laid her hands flat on the surface of the interface. Her shoulders were trembling.
"I love her too," Liara said. He blinked, rocking back a little. "I'd never touched the mind of anyone before, not until Shepard. I thought, maybe, we could. . . but none of that is important." She keyed up her omni tool again. "What is important is that she might be alive out there. And if she is, every minute we waste is a minute she's alone and probably in pain. I won't let that happen."
Kaidan didn't know what to say. He rubbed his temples, willing the pain to retreat so that maybe his thoughts could churn out words instead of mush. Specialist Traynor had her gaze firmly locked on the communication array. She was doing her best to pretend she wasn't in the room.
"Did you two ever. . . did you ever think maybe she loved you back?" Kaidan said. No, wait, he wasn't going to say that out loud. That was surely not the right way to phrase that.
Liara turned to look at him, scorn in the quirk of her lips.
"Oh dear, Major. I had no idea that sharing would be a problem for you," she said. Then she turned back to her work. He clenched his hand on his knee until both his fingers and his knee ached. His knuckles were white. He took a deep breath, then another. She was messing with him. And he probably deserved it. The asari had guts, telling him how she wanted the woman he loved. Wasn't it supposed to be kind of hot, thinking of two women? Not that the asari were women, exactly. So why was he just breathing black rage instead of picturing. . . no, no, picturing it made him more angry. He had to get a handle on this crap before he turned into a biotic cave man.
"She was already in love when I met her," Liara said. "Not that she thought of it that way. It's hard, you know, to reach into a living mind and see only what you meant to see. If I were older, more experienced, maybe I would have seen less. But here we are."
Kaidan filed that thought away for some more private hour. Maybe some more private hour when he knew whether Shepard was alive or dead. Yeah, otherwise even thinking about this conversation was going hurt worse than the most severe migraine. For now, they had a job to do. It didn't matter what Shepard felt about them, either of them. It only mattered that they both had a good reason to keep trying even though logic said Shepard had been dead for hours.
"I'm not surprised you love her," Kaidan said. He leaned his head down, trying to stretch the tension out of his neck. It didn't work. "She's the most capable, relentless, surprising person I've ever met."
"Capable and relentless. That's what passes for a complement in human relationships?" Liara asked. He laughed, softly. That he could laugh at all was a minor miracle. Even thinking about Shepard lightened his heart.
Please, please don't be dead.
"In marine relationships. Sure," Kaidan said. He leaned back against the wall, rolling his shoulders. "You're right about planning what to say. It's got to sound logical."
"Like with the crew," Liara mused.
"Yeah," he said. "Maybe we talk about how important she is to morale. Or maybe they think that devoting the manpower to search for other soldiers would be better. Maybe we talk about what's due a commanding officer. A hero."
"I was thinking something more pragmatic," Liara said. "Maybe about her role in the treaties with the rachni, the turians, the geth, the krogan."
"Yeah. Everyone was so nervous about the krogan and the rachni starting another war," Kaidan said. "We can say that she's instrumental to maintaining those treaties. Hell, it might not be a lie."
"No, not a lie," Liara said. "I think I only have one agent on Earth, and I'm not sure about her access to functioning spacecraft. Our first call had better be to Admiral Hackett."
"Old Hackett the Hatchet," said a voice from the doorway. Kaidan turned to see Joker, holding a box. Joker handed it through to him. "Dr. Chakwas says there's a stimulant in there and a pain medication."
"What, and I'm supposed to just take a fifty fifty shot over which one I'm going to get?" Kaidan asked. Joker shrugged.
"They're labelled. Probably. I take it you guys have the comm system uplinked."
"Just about," said Traynor, much too brightly.
"No traces of Edi in there?" Joker asked, quietly. Kaidan took a deep breath, and Joker waved his hand as if to dismiss his own question. "Of course not. Better that way. Something about that explosion killed her. Not me crashing her. Right?"
"I do not believe it would be possible to damage hardware in such a way that it would also damage Edi," Liara said. Which was good, because Kaidan just did not have a good response for this. Joker nodded, then turned away.
"Let me know what Hackett says. Until then I'll just be sitting around being useless and trying not to break any bones," Joker said. Kaidan opened his mouth to say something reassuring. But nothing came out, and before he could think of anything Joker was gone. He tapped the box against his thigh, thinking.
"I can have Admiral Hackett up on vid comm as soon as he replies," Specialist Traynor said. Kaidan stood up straight. Folded his arms across his chest. He wasn't sure how long it would take, but he planned on using every second of that call. He wasn't going to be off somewhere slouching and waiting to be called. What if they only got two minutes of connection? He had no idea what the situation was on Earth.
Honestly, that ought to bother him more. His students, his mom, everyone he served with was either on the Normandy or on Earth. But it was like worrying over Shepard was so big and important it drowned out everything else.
This was taking forever. He tried a breathing exercise that was supposed to help with the migraines. Then he got tired of that one and started another. Over the years he'd picked up dozens of little tricks and tips and like half of them had to do with how his oxygen got carted around.
"Here he comes," Specialist Traynor said. Liara closed her eyes as if in prayer, or profound relief. Or marrow-deep exhaustion. She was practically swaying on her feet. Longest damn day ever. Maybe Kaidan hadn't noticed before because he was swaying, too.
Admiral Hackett's holograph appeared in front of them, a blue grid with an old man's face. He was wearing a crisp, clean uniform. That had to be a good sign. Admiral Hackett was on Earth, and surely he'd look a little the worse for wear if the fight was still raging there.
"Major Alenko! Dr. T'soni. What is the status of the Normandy?" Admiral Hackett asked. Kaidan saluted, realizing belatedly he was still holding that box of meds.
"Stranded on an unknown planet, repairs promising," Kaidan said. He really wasn't here to talk about the Normandy. "What is the status on Earth?"
"You don't know what happened?" Admiral Hackett shook his head. "Major, she did it. The Reapers are gone. Every husk, brute, and gigantic death machine dropped dead as soon as that blast hit them. I don't know what the status of the rest of the galaxy is yet, but Earth is secure."
Something cold and hard in the pit of his stomach loosened. No matter what else happened, at least this all hadn't been for nothing.
"What about Shepard? Is there any word?" Kaidan asked. Admiral Hackett looked away, off to the side. Someone or something that had some information about Shepard? Kaidan clenched his teeth on all the ways he wanted to scream at the man to hurry up and answer. Two seconds wasn't an unreasonable pause. Really.
"Not as yet. Anderson and Shepard are both currently presumed dead. The Citadel seems to be in pretty bad shape. No one up there is answering any comms," Admiral Hackett said. "I know that isn't the news you want to hear, Major. I'm sorry."
"We need to get a team up there," Liara said. Kaidan was honestly impressed she'd waited this long to chime in.
"Dr. T'soni is right. Top priority right now has to be recovery of Shepard. She's the only human that the krogan and the rachni are going to listen to. If the Alliance doesn't recover her, someone else will. Maybe someone like Cerberus. Again." Kaidan took a deep breath and sent a small, quick prayer into the ether for eloquence. "Shepard brokered most of the treaties involved in getting the Crucible up and running single handed. Without her, those treaties might fall apart. And even if. . . even if she is dead, without a body no one will ever be sure she isn't going to pop up in the middle of a crisis again. She came back from the dead once before."
"I agree with you, Major. Ma'am," Hackett spared them each a respectful nod. "But right now we don't have a good way to get up to the Citadel to check. A lot of our equipment was damaged by the blast that took out the Reapers."
"I believe I may have an answer for that," Liara said. She began typing furiously on her omnitool. "When your species was first contacted by the Turians, your war efforts were based entirely on your own technology. You did not yet have access to the technology of the Citadel. If I remember correctly there should still be some ships from that time period in storage in Siberia. And some others outside of Porto Vetho in South America. Those might be the best bet." Liara held her omni tool up, and a series of numbers began flashing. "These are the coordinates. Can you record this, and get someone who specializes in old tech to go get those ships operational?"
"I know they're old," said Kaidan, before Admiral Hackett could object. "But if you can get someone who is already in the area to go get those ships running, and then co-ordinate a rescue team from the people who are in South America, you could have someone up at the Citadel within a few hours. Every minute counts. If Shepard is alive, she won't be for long."
"You've both been serving under Shepard too long," Admiral Hackett said. But he had a rueful smile on his face. "No holds barred, full speed ahead, no obstacle too great. It's like none of you believe in the word 'impossible.'"
"Please, sir," Liara said. "This may be the only way to avoid galactic war. Now that the Reapers appear to have been dealt with old factions may become restless. Treaties made in the middle of a war are hardly the most stable agreements."
"It's a good idea, and I'll do it," Admiral Hackett said, holding his hand up as if to ward her off. "Stop talking apocalypse to me. I think we've had enough of that."
"Shepard would have been in the center of the Citadel, near the Crucible's operations hub," Kaidan said. "The arms of the Citadel are a low priority. Your team will need life sign scanners and as much medical and recovery equipment as they can stow without compromising their ability to stay up in the Crucible. They should be equipped for a search that may take several days." Though if it takes that long, she won't be showing up on the life sign scans at all. Assuming that she isn't dead already.
"Thank you, Major. I do know how to run a recovery operation." Admiral Hackett said, dryly. Kaidan didn't even flinch under the Admiral's sarcasm. He really had been serving under Shepard too long. "I will begin the search immediately. The last thing we can handle is another galactic war. You're right. Alive or dead, we need Shepard. Hackett out." Then his blue image blinked out of existence.
"I'm surprised he wasn't already looking for her," Liara said. She slumped down, rubbing her head with her hands. He should say something in the Admiral's defense. He should.
"No one values our Commander enough," he said. "But then, I'm biased. Think you are too. Get some rest. It's been a long day."
"You know I'm not under military authority, right?" Liara said, raising her eyebrows at him. "You can't order me around."
"No," he agreed. "But a good idea is a good idea."
"You get some rest too, then. Major," Liara said. He nodded, carefully, trying not to jostle his aching head. Liara left, and he started stretching. Maybe if he could just ease this murderous tension out of his bones they wouldn't hurt so much.
She was right. He needed rest. If he was just a grunt he could take the stim and keep going until he dropped. But a commanding officer needed to always have enough left in him for the next emergency. So he took the pain med instead. He didn't want to go up to the Captain's cabin. He didn't think he could face it. And if he went down to the crew quarters he might be too far away to get to the comm system in time to hear any updates. He walked to the cockpit, instead, and sat down in Edi's chair.
Edi. Without her here, there was no one to tell him if Admiral Hackett came back up on the comm. Or if anyone else did. Now that they had the system operational it wasn't like the Admiral was the only person who could call. Kaidan spent a few minutes making sure his omni tool would chime as soon as anyone at all tried to hail them. The ship was silent as the grave, still as death. He'd barely leaned his head back on the head rest before he fell asleep.
She woke to a world of pain, and something past pain. This was what it felt like dying the first time. Her lungs were stuttering, her whole torso shivering with every breath. She couldn't feel anything on her back, on the left side of her body. A scream bubbled out of her but it wasn't even audible.
Maybe none of the past few years had actually happened. Maybe she was still on a table in a Cerberus lab. It only hurt a little more than it had the first time she woke up. Not when Miranda had woken her over the comm system because they were under attack. The first time, when her dead tissue was only half fixed.
"Jamie Shepard. First human Spectre," Kaidan said, walking out of that building on Horizon. "You're in the presence of a legend. And a ghost."
Even memory hurt. Everything hurt. If she was dying, shouldn't she be floating off in a wave of endorphins or something? It seemed cosmically unfair that she couldn't even black out to block the pain.
She tried opening her eyes. But maybe they were already open. Trying to move them didn't do anything, anyway. She gritted her teeth and started trying to move piece by piece. Her right toes wiggled. Or they told her brain they were wiggling. She didn't know which it was without being able to look. But her left was just nothing. Maybe she'd lost her leg. And. . . she tried to wiggle her left fingers without success. Maybe she'd lost that arm, too. She tried to swing her right arm over to check, but there was something between her right arm and her left arm. Maybe. . . rebar? Sticking right through her.
She retched, but mercifully nothing came out. She had to think on something else. Focus on something else.
Because she was probably the last thing alive on this Citadel.
I'm going to die alone. In the dark. Painfully.
That seemed right, actually. Two deaths alone in the dark was just about enough dying to make up for living through what she'd done at Torfan. She'd sent her soldiers to death, and they in turn had haunted her continually for all the years since. She was sure they were waiting just on the other side of death's door to accompany her to hell. And Thane would be there, calm as still water. A good companion on the trip into the abyss.
Not just Thane, either. Most of the people she'd grown up with died years back. She could see them all again. God knew they were headed to the hot place same as her. And Ashley. Though Ashley was a good theist, and she might have ended up somewhere else entirely. Mordin. Legion, maybe.
It was just as well, really. She didn't know what she would do with a world at peace. Settle down, have some kids? Not bloody likely. In the vids that was always the hero's reward for living to the end of the story. Get married, have some kids. Maybe if she were the guy in that equation that would be more appealing.
Then again, if she had lived she would have gotten to spend night after night with Kaidan. If he still wanted her. She was an old soldier and she knew damn well that what you say right before a suicidal charge and what you say when you're facing down five decades together is not the same thing. Learned that one as a gunnery Chief, early on.
She tried to shift, or scream, or do anything. But she was pinned in place. Unable to move. Barely able to breathe.
Maybe she was already dead. And this was Hell.
A great roaring rumble started in the blackness off to her right. Like a Leviathan, come to swallow her up. Her nerves were shattered with pain. If she could have cried, she would have. Instead she just listened to the howling dark waiting to find out if anything could be worse than this.