Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Hi! So, I'm really very, very enthusiastic about Christmas, even though it's way too warm and we don't have snow, but CHRISTMAS!
And I really miss Addek which is why I've written this little Christmas story. At first I wanted to make it into a one shot but then it just got too long

ADDEK only

I own nothing. Story based on my favorite Christmas song of all times - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, chapter based only Elvis Presley's Blue Christmas. I own absolutely nothing except for unbreakable Christmas spirit ;)

Blue Christmas

I'll have a blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same, dear, if you're not here with me

Derek had tried everything in order to be happy again. He really had. Things with Meredith had gone downhill and he realized that she had just been a distraction, the exact opposite of his ex-wife and someone to finally get back at her with for all she had put him through. He had been hurt and angry. She was his wife, the one he had loved most of all and she had always been there for him, always waited up for him when he had had a long surgery and not once had he thought that she wouldn't be there anymore at some point of his life. In retrospect he knew that he should have seen it, He should have seen the mascara stains on her cheeks, her red eyes and the fact that she was barely eating anymore. He had pushed her away and taken her for granted, he knew that now and he had probably known that then. But when he had come home to her and his best friend in bed it had hurt him and he had sworn himself that things would be over now that he would no longer care about her. Moving to Seattle and dating an intern and then doing everything he could to break his ex-wife when she came out to reconcile, to get him back. It had seemed like she would deserve it then but when Derek thought about everything he had done, of the look she had in her eyes when she had figured out that he no longer loved her, it broke his heart and he had realized what he should have realized when she was still there; you can't just decide not to be in love with someone anymore.

Snow was covering the ground, sparkling in the sun. Christmas was just a month away and Derek Shepherd found himself bitter and alone. He had felt like his heart was about to break when it had snowed for the first time because for almost fifteen years of his life there always had been someone who had made him get out of bed in the middle of the night when she had seen snowflakes, or smelled the snow. He had always made fun of her for that and grown increasingly annoyed but now he would give everything to just see her eyes twinkle like they always had when the first snow had fallen. Derek had tried to bury himself in work and nothing had helped, his mind just kept wandering.

xxx

"It doesn't smell like snow!" Twenty-two year old Derek chuckled at his girlfriend's enthusiasm. They had started dating almost half a year ago and he found everything about her absolutely enchanting, especially her cheerful mood when it came to everything that involved Christmas.

"Yes! It totally does!" She nudged him playfully as they walked through the streets of New York City. Addison had a bright smile on her face, just as always when she was around Derek Shepherd.

A few hours later Derek was asleep when his girlfriend kept tugging on his arm so he would finally get up. "Derek, come on! Seriously, get up!" He opened his eyes to look at her and sat up in bed from where she pulled him towards the apartment door. If he hadn't just woken up there was no way he would have followed her into the freezing cold. Oh, who was he kidding? He probably would have followed her to the end of the world.

"You see!" She grinned happily and pointed at the sky, thick snowflakes beginning to cover the ground. He tiredly wrapped his arms around her from behind and watched her eyes light up because of the many snowflakes.

xxx

He knew that she had moved back to New York City after only a year in California because she had sent him a check for his half of the brownstone they used to share and that had still been in both of their names. He had signed the papers but had never cashed the check. It was her dream house and always had been, he owed her at least that much.

Christmas had been their season, the season they spent snuggling up on the couch, with long walks through central park, or baking Christmas cookies. He remembered how she had loved to go shopping for all the Christmas presents. At first he had always come with her but in the last years of their marriage he had kept canceling on her and sent her off by herself, or had sent his former best friend with her. He cringed when he had actually canceled on her for Christmas Eve when they were supposed to celebrate with his family. He had forgotten what day it was or what they had planned, or maybe he just hadn't cared enough to remember. Derek remembered that she had been asleep on the sofa with an empty bottle of wine next to her and tearstains all over his face. Their favorite holiday had always been the time when he had taken a few days off work and spent all of his time with her but that year he had left her. When she had come to Seattle he had even told her that Christmas should be spent with loved ones and had implied that she wasn't someone he wanted to be with. He had brushed her off, hadn't gotten her a gift and had been an idiot to her. His best friends from New York had stopped talking to him because he had broken her, as Savannah had put it. He knew that Addison had never told them what had happened between them but he couldn't blame them for blaming him. Mainly because it was all his fault. He had broken her and pushed her away, over and over to the point where even his sisters had told him to go to hell.

xxx

"Addie, could you focus on me instead of the snow for just one second?" Derek was nervous and it really didn't help that his girlfriend seemed to be very distracted by the many snowflakes around them, even though there already was snow on the ground.

"I am! What's wrong?" She tilted her head to the side, utterly confused as to why he had been so on edge lately.

"Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery," He started and saw her eyes widen because it was then that she knew what was coming. Derek swore to himself that he'd never forget how gorgeous she looked with that wide smile on her lips and that sparkle in her eyes. "I know you love snow and everything about Christmas and I love you so much for that, among other reasons, of course." He was so incredibly nervous that he forgot most of his prepared speech. "And I never want to imagine my life without you, so…" He took in a deep breath. "Will you marry me?"

xxx

Of course now he was spending his life without her and it was even worse than he could have ever imagined it. He had grown quiet and only spoke when it was absolutely necessary. There had been a time Derek hadn't been able to wait to come home so he could tell her all about his day and hear about hers. It had been wonderful and he had never again done that. With Meredith it had been mostly quiet because they really didn't have much in common or to talk about, it just didn't seem worth it.

Derek Shepherd had realized one thing: He missed her. He missed the woman who had been his best friend, his soulmate, his confidant, for over a decade. And now that he had realized it, it was too late. She had left and probably moved on with her life, even though he did know that there hadn't been anyone in her life for a while now. He remembered the look his sister Kathleen had given him when he had tried to be all nonchalant and asked her about Addison and her love life. Kathleen had told him that he had no right to ask any of this but had answered him nonetheless because she knew he never would do anything about it. Everyone knew that, even Derek. Which was why he was so utterly surprised when he found himself in front of her door. He couldn't remember how he had gotten here, well, by plane, that much he knew. But what had prompted him to this decision?! He had missed her, more and more each day, as a matter of fact. With Christmas around the corner he couldn't help but miss her and how their lives had once been.

xxx

"Oh my god! Derek! Is this really our house now?!" Addison grinned at her husband and wrapped her arms around him tightly. They had been looking at houses and apartments for ages and had already given up on finding something that measured up to their expectations until their relator had showed him a gorgeous brownstone with a wonderful view of the central park. Addison had fallen in love with the house immediately but he had told her that someone had outbid them so he would be able to surprise her.

"Yeah, it really is." He told her and kissed her softly. If there were one thing Derek would have gladly given his life for it would be to make his wife this happy. When he looked at the townhouse he could already picture what their life would be like…

xxx

But reality had had a cruel way of destroying his dreams in one swift motion. He didn't know what in the world possessed him when he rang the doorbell. Why had he come to New York, to their old house, to his ex-wife? His thoughts were quickly interrupted when the door was opened and Addison appeared in front of him. Her face had fallen completely when she saw who was at her door and she didn't know whether she should ask him inside or just close the door again, pretending that nothing had happened.

"Derek…" She whispered, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, or probably more like a deer that that was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, he had to think to himself.

"I don't know why I'm here." He confessed softly, his voice hoarse. Derek really didn't know why he was here but he knew that it felt so good to see her again, like he someone had breathed life into him again.

You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white

But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Did you guys hate it or is anyone seriously as Christmas-y as I am? I hope you guys liked it (or even read it!). So, as usual, reviews are LOVE :-**

MERRY PRE-CHRISTMAS TIME