The hardest part is deciding where to begin. I feel lost, like a child. But I am a child no more, that much is abundantly clear. I am not his child. I am not his son. I don't belong to him. I distance myself from the very idea of him. But no matter how hard I try, it all catches up to me in the end.

I hear it in my voice sometimes; I see it in the mirror. I speak a word at just the wrong tone, and hear his voice echo back in my ears. In my reflection I see his cursed yellow eyes staring back at me. I can never escape the fact that half of me is him. I can pretend all I want, but I will always be half a monster. It's difficult to see where he ends and I begin; I was forged by him, from the cells in my body to the identity born from this trauma.

They all say I'm nothing like him. I'm kind, I'm good, I'll never be like him. But how are they so certain, when I'm not even sure myself? Eternity is a long time; plenty of time for me to devolve into what I saw him become. It's in my blood, inevitable. Am I doomed to follow in his footsteps? Can I ever be rid of the curse of my heritage? Can my "weak" human heart ever stand a chance against the darkness?

It wasn't always this way. I remember a time I felt loved by him, I was so sure of it. I have enough good memories to make things confusing. Everything has become tainted, but there had to be a time he loved me. The way a parent is supposed to love their child. I couldn't be a child of abuse, because there was a time he loved me. There was happiness once, long ago. But somewhere along the way, that all ended. I was no longer his child, but an obstacle in his way. He made a choice. He chose his greed and his hatred over his family. Over me.

I don't have to make the same choice. I can be different. I can stand up and say no, I will not become him. I am not him. But still, something inside begs to differ. Am I really so different? I have the same potential for malice; one wrong move and I become the very thing I have tried to stop. Without constant vigilance, I risk turning into everything I despise. I tell myself that I am the opposite of everything he is, but perhaps I'm doomed to be nothing more than his reflection. Children are, after all, the product of their parents' creation. It's because of him that I walk this Earth at all.

And yet, I still fight. I cling to the frail hope that I can make my own destiny. That I can choose to not give in to the darkness lurking in my soul. If I can stand against him, I can win. I have to put aside all my fears, discard my attachments. I can no longer be the child he held in his arms if I expect to survive this. I have no more love for him; he is not my father. No real parent can look into the eyes of their child and hurt them. Nor am I his pawn, a weapon he can use against the world. Not anymore.

I can't give in to fear or despair. If I lose hope, all is lost. I take up my sword and charge into this final battle, even if I stand alone. I alone hold the power to stop him. No more will he intimidate me. I stand, my own two feet underneath me. I am not half of him; I alone decide who and what I am. I am Alucard, and I will not blame myself for the things my father has done. The fact that he is a monster does not mean I have to be. I'm no angel, but neither am I a demon. I am not bound to his fate. I will stand up, I will fight, and I will win.

I will be free.

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I admit this barely counts as fanfiction. It's just a rambling pile of stuff that I really just needed to get out of my system. I'm going through some really hard times right now, and I just needed to put this out there, but not really OUT THERE like on a platform I use regularly anymore. So yeah, just kind of my own ramblings through the lens of Alucard. I'm fine, I promise, just needed to throw some words on paper, because I have things going on that really make me relate to Alucard a bit.