Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda or Link. I own the evil chickens idea so don't steal it!!
THE EVIL CHICKENS
Once, in the middle of the scariest holiday of all, Thanksgiving Day, an evil awakened in the beginning of the day in The Chicken Coop. When they awoke they sounded the most frightening sound in the whole world.
"Cock-a-doodle-do!" It screeched.
"Shut up you stupid chickens before I get a gun and come after ya!" a young adult, named Dur, yelled.
"Cluck, Cluck, Cluck!!" they said.
"That's it ya shtupid chickens," he shouted. He then charged out with his newly bought gun, and he was never heard from again. Except that at the end of his life his final words were 'I will be back near the end of this story so watch out for me at the 9th page.'
"The end!" said a teenaged kid named Link.
"Ahhhhh!!" yelled the little children that were crowed around Link.
"Was all of that story that you told us true or just fake?" the smallest child questioned.
"Yes or no, I don't know," he started singing, "What I've been told I don't want to die so old."
"Okay," the child said strangely.
"I think he's a little crazy," one kid whispered.
"I think he's more than a little crazy." The other kids replied.
Little did they know that in just one day the chickens would rise in three dings.
"I won't be here tomorrow little kids, cause I'm goin to town with my father to get some weapons for the hunting days that are ahead." Link said.
"Ah man, and we wanted to trap, I mean play games with you, and listen to some of your stories." The children said in a suspicious tone.
"Don't worry," he said in a hurried tone. "I'll only be gone for six hours. Then we can hear more of the story."
The next day Link and his father, Morgon, were in the car already to go when the children came out. The chickens were right behind them.
"See ya!" they all screamed at once.
"Cluck cluck." The chickens screeched.
Link looked at the chickens long and hard then said, "Remember kids, don't hit those chickens with any thing three times, ya might set'em off."
"Yea right, just some more of your myths," one child began. "Well anyway, see you later, Link."
Later on in the day the kids were getting very bored, so they decided to go outside to the chickens to see what they were doing. When they got outside they noticed that the chickens were being their regular normal selves.
"See I told ya Link was lying; these chickens ain't any different from yesterday than they are today." One child said.
One chicken then clucked in suspicion. Then all the children, thinking that Link was lying about the chickens, began to go back inside. Suddenly one of the children made a huge mistake. He ran up to one chicken and kicked it as hard as he could. The chicken then flew back and hit another chicken and then that chicken did the same.
"Cock-a-doodle-do!" the last chicken that got hit shrieked. Then all of the chickens started to flutter all around the children, pecking and biting as the children ran and screamed.
"I guess what Link said was true," one child said.
"We're going to need help to get out of this me..." another child said as he fell over dead.
After six hours Link and his father came back to the farm. When they stopped and got out they saw a ton of destruction.
"Uh-oh, looks like the chickens attacked," Link began. "Let's see if we can find any of the children."
After hours of searching they found the smallest child bundled up in a corner dressed up like a chicken.
"Hey Gerf are you alright, how did you survive?" Link questioned in a frightened voice.
"I survived by dressing up as a chicken and I'm okay, but no one else survived." Gerf said in a jittery tone.
"Don't worry we are here to help," Morgon began. "Link, you and Gerf go get the horses, and while you are doing that I'll distract the chickens. Get going."
Link and Gerf went into the stalls and grabbed a horse for each of them. They both jumped onto their own horse and pulled another horse for Morgon. While they were getting the horses, Morgon had got the chickens attention, but had unintentionally lost his arm. After two miLinkes, Gerf and Link had found Morgon and made haste away from the farm. When they had gotten far enough to think of a plan they stopped the horses.
"Has anybody seen my arm?" questioned Morgon nonchalantly.
"I propose that we make a trap and lead them to it." They all said in unison.
"I know where to put it to." Link said.
Later on the three people made their way back to the farm. Once there they saw the chickens and got their attention by throwing some rocks.
"Hey chickens are ya to scared to chase us?" Link questioned mockingly.
After Link finished his sentence the chickens charged.
"Go go go!" Morgon yelled. The horses then turned tail and ran like crazy. After ten miLinkes they all neared a fence with the chickens still chasing them. "Now!" Morgon screamed and they all turned left and stopped. Luckily the chickens couldn't stop so they ran right into the grinding machine.
"I can't believe that we stopped them from taking over the world." Morgon said in a quite tone.
"Wait a miLinke," Gerf began. "Those chickens were trying to take over the world?"
"You mean that Link didn't tell ya," asked Morgon.
"Whoops! I think it might have slipped my mind." Link replied.
"Oh well, at least we stopped their mission whatever it was." Gerf said.
"Ya know what, I think that we should be happy and not worrying over the chickens purpose for being here," Link began. "Don't you think so to guys?"
"Let's get back to the farm before anything else goes wrong today." Morgon said.
"This day's activities will never be topped by anything." Link said. Then they all sighed and walked back to the farm with heavy hearts for their lost friends.
They all thought it was over, and they might have been right if not for the fact that the king of the evil chickens had escaped and was now plotting its revenge on the petty machine that destroyed his minions. The chickens name was Salmonella, but that's another story.
ALTERNATE ENDING
"Uh-oh, looks like the chickens attacked," Link began. "Let's see if we can find any of the children."
After hours of searching they finally found the youngest child. He was bundled up in the corner with blood all over him.
"No, Gerf what happened to you?" Link asked.
"Tried to hide as a chicken, but ended up fried and shot down by the other "survivors" when they came to my aid." Gerf responded.
"Others? Gerf what are you… Gerf! Speak to me! GEEEEEEERFFFFFF!!!"
"He's dead. Let it go son." Responded Morgon to his sons shouting.
"Let's kill these stupid chickens and take revenge for the death of Gerf."
Later on…
The chickens had found the artillery and were loading up on weapons to further lower the difficulty of their world conquest. They had found a supply of radiation rich grain that they had eaten to gain more reinforcements. The mutations that followed were nothing short of the most disgusting thing Link and Morgon could have ever imagined.
"What the chicken pot pie is that?" questioned Morgon as he was lifted by a giant black chicken with a name tag that said Joe.
"Well obviously it is a chicken that found our supply of radioactive grain we bought at the local sewer store." replied Link.
"Oh. So does that make him your mom?"
"What!?"
"I said does that make HIM your MOM?"
"Why would that make him my mom?"
"Because the radioactive grain is what I used to make you."
"Were you married to it before you made me?"
"Yes"
"Then it is ok."
"Alright, enough talk let's stop this chicken once and for… Where'd he go?" Morgon questioned as he turned back to the chicken named Joe who was hiding behind a twig.
"Noooooooooo, I can't believe he got away while we were talking."
"Well there is only one thing left to do."
"Yes! We must DANCE!!!"
"Daa Daa Duh Duh Duh Duh Da Da Duh duh duh duh da da duh!" they sang as they began to dance.
"What in the?" questioned Joe the chicken.
"There he is." began Link. "Get HIM!!"
"Yes, we need a third dance member." replied Morgon.
"Alright now, 3…2…1…Go." they all said at once as they began to dance. As they danced they failed to notice the steep cliff and ended up falling off to their deaths. The fall was only 1 inch but it was enough thanks to the stupidity of this story. These deaths were only the beginning of the many deaths caused by the now number one cause of death: THE DANCE!!!
ULTIMATE (TRUE) ENDING
"Link, I need to ask you something." said Gerf.
"What is it Gerf?" inquired Link.
"Where is your dad?"
"Isn't he behind us?"
"No I'm in front of you!" Morgon stated as he trotted in front.
"We have to go back and find him before he dies!" said Link ignoring Morgon.
"Yes, we must go save Morgon! Let's GO!!!" Gerf said as he and Link ran back to find Morgon who was still ahead of them.
"Wait a moment I'm right… Never mind, I give up!!!" Morgon finished as he kept moving forward.
With Link and Gerf…
"Dad! Where are you?" questioned a small carrot.
"Did that carrot just talk?" asked Gerf.
"Ooh, a carrot!" exclaimed Link as he picked the carrot up.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" shouted the carrot as Link took a large bite out of its body.
"Mmm tastes just like…" inquired Link.
"Link, don't say the next…" said Gerf as he tried to warn Link. Of course he was too late for that.
"Chicken!!" Link said as every chicken from within a 123.3321658454H564 mile radius rushed around and crowded Link and Gerf.
"WHO SAID THAT CURSED SENTENCE!?!" shouted the big black chicken at the head of the crowd.
"You did!!" replied Gerf as he pointed back to black chicken.
"Get me!!" the chicken general commanded as the army began to attack him.
"Did we already try using the dance to kill the chickens?" Link asked Gerf as the chicken general was being consumed because of a very common mistake, self blame.
"Yeah, I think you and Morgon tried it in the alternate ending." replied Gerf as the chickens finished off their so called general. I mean come on who would go completely against their own race and while leading an army of it as well. I mean how dumb can you get. Seriously… (Rant…Rant…Rant!!)
"Okay now that the author slash narrator has gone on a rant we'll be here for a while." (NO WE WON'T)
"You remember the last time you went on a rant? We were here for about 3 years." (O.o Really?)
"Yes really! Shouldn't you be stating who is talking at the end of these sentences?" (Maybe)
"Then get to it!" said Gerf. (Because he made me)
"Alright enough of that pointless gibberish." shouted a random pointless insignificant little idiot who doesn't know when to shut up. (I am talking about you readers!!)
"Run!!" Gerf shouted after he got back into character.
"Where?" questioned Link in a questioning tone that was very questionable.
"I don't know where! Hey author where do we run to?"
(Through the talking carrot patch! The carrots will protect you or will they??)
"Okay let's go Gerf!" Link said as they ran into the carrot patch like idiots because they had completely disregarded the fact that they were listening to a big booming voice know as the author, and the fact that their mother always said that they shouldn't listen to big booming voices while running from evil chickens through a patch of talking carrots. (^Seriously?) Yes I am serious. (Who the heck are you?) Me? Why I am description/teller of who is speaking/position stater/hippy/slash/some random guy off the street/I don't know/you don't know/man/woman/thing/ran out of things to call myself/or did I/go to to find out more of my identities. (Ignore this sentence.) Ignore this one to. (If you read those last two sentences slap yourself!!) Really hard!! (Should we get back to the story?) Yes.
As Gerf and Link ran for their lives the chickens finished punishing their general for what Link had said. When they noticed what they had done they decided that Link was their new leader and began to chase down Gerf so they could cook him rotisserie style to appease their new general. When they reached the carrot patch the carrots began to flock around Gerf and Link and began to pelt them with carrots because Link had eaten one of their own. When the chickens noticed that the carrots were fighting their new leader a massive war broke out between carrots and chickens.
"There is only one way to settle this…" began Gerf.
"SELF EATING CONTEST!!" shouted everybody who has ever been in this story in unison.
"Ready…" said Gerf
"Get set…" said Dur.
"Dur?" wondered Link as he looked at that guy from the beginning of the story. "Aren't you supposed to be dead and not real because that was a fake story that I made up?"
"The self-eating contest is sacred in my family." Dur elaborated. "Even not being real and also being dead is not enough to stop me from popping up at one contest such as this."
"Are you participating in this?" questioned Gerf.
"Yup!" Dur said.
"Alright, enough of this!" began a man with hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia who also ran in fear at the mention of hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia.
"Go!" the rest of the Evil Chicken's cast and crew shouted from an as of yet unnamed movie that also will probably never exist.
The self-eating contest started and Dur began to take the lead, but as he finished one of his arms he suddenly fell over because he just ate his legs which was a fatal mistake because if you eat your legs you automatically fall over, get picked up and thrown in to a random furnace.
"Well Dur is out of the running who will win this amazing self eating contest?" began a random announcer over a random intercom system in this the most random of random stories that was done randomly. "Find out next time on 'The Evil Chickens' the board game I mean story!"
Commercial break
"Are you running in fear from giant evil seeds?" asked Commercialman the commercial man. "Then get a LIFE!!"
Commercial fixed
"We now return to 'The Evil Chickens'." said no one in particular.
"The final round of the self-eating contest is about to begin." began the announcer guy. "The competitors are Link, Carrottop the talking carrot, and me the announcer guy!"
Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block lots of blood and gore flying everywhere Child block Child block Child block Child block Child block.
"And the winner is…Me the Announcer Guy." said Link.
"And that is it for this exceedingly long prologue. Join us in the next chapter of 'Evil Chickens: Revenge of Salmonella!'" said Salmonella as he was run over by a big rig.
"Yah resolution!" began Gerf. "Oh wait that is just how the story of Salmonella begins. Never mind!"
The END!!
TO BE CONTINUED…