When did it become so difficult to tell what was real and what was just a dream that danced in front of your eyes? Each day you woke up and hoped that what had happened was just a cruel joke that the world was playing on you. Part of you believed that it was a joke and the rest of you knew that it was all true. Fate had played a cruel trick on you and showed you everything you could ever want and then took it away without ever giving you a chance to touch it. No one seemed to understand what you were going through. They thought you should just let it go. Let her go, but you couldn't do it. They didn't understand that she was the other half to your whole. They didn't understand that she was your world even if you weren't together. They were blind to the fact that she was your soulmate. She had been your everything.
You had to go her funeral and watch as her family introduced him as her boyfriend even though you knew they hadn't been together in a very long time. Her family didn't understand the truth and you didn't have the heart to take the image of her being what everyone wanted away from them. It was your fault anyway that you weren't recognized as her love. You had been afraid. You had hid from her love. You had thought there would be time. You knew it would be the greatest regret of your life. You went with the others because you knew you didn't have the strength to be there alone. You knew that you needed someone to hold your hand and help keep you from dying right along with her. You were thankful for the comfort the two girls had given you by standing beside you. They had been her friends and they both realized that there was more between you and her than the world understood. You looked to your left and remembered how just a few weeks before she had told you she was going to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. That was just another dream that was never going to happen.
You felt a tear roll down your cheek at the memory but refused to acknowledge it. Crying had become part of your normal routine since she was taken from you. Time wasn't easing the hole in your soul. If anything, time mocked you. You had to stay here in this world while she was somewhere waiting to see you again. You didn't have the will to live but your beliefs kept had you from killing yourself. You hadn't believed that God would allow you to see her again if you did. Instead you have taken to doing dangerous things that if fate allowed would let you see her again. Your favorite hobby had been drinking until you could barely stand up straight and then driving wherever the car wanted to take you. A car accident had been the perfect ending in your eyes. She had left you that way and it would be fitting if you did the same. Something always seemed to be looking out for you and you never succeeded in your plans.
Three years have passed since she left you. You have continued to drink and dare death to take you to no avail. Three years you have been begging God to take you to her and He just doesn't seem to listen. You've finally decided that you're tired of waiting and decide to take matters into your own hand. You have prayed to God and asked Him to not punish you too harshly for your weakness. You go to your cabinet and empty all the bottles of medication that you have into your hands. There are three different kinds of sleeping pills, two different kinds of medication for anxiety and five different varieties of anti-depressants. You sadly look at the pills and know that at least no one will be able to say you didn't try to find some type of help.
You grab a bottle of water and put on the video of you all performing at sectionals your junior year. You might not like listening to yourself sing that much but you could never get enough of watching her dance. You open bottle and slowly start taking the pills. You watch her dancing and smiling and living and lose yourself in the moment. You had long ago made a disc that was nothing but her dancing to your singing so that you didn't have to worry about using the remote to keep watching her dance. The disc is a little over an hour long. You just keep watching and taking the pills and soon things begin to get confusing. You can almost see her dancing in front of you instead of on the screen. You start to hear the music playing all around you. You continue to take the pills until your hand gets to heavy to lift to your mouth. The music begins to fade into the background and the vision of her dancing is getting harder to see. Everything feels heavy and then you see her smiling in your doorway. Golden hair and shining eyes holding out her hand waiting for you to join her. You feel yourself smile and a lightness fills your entire being. You know that God has forgiven you and allowed you to finally be whole.