This story is slightly different again and again I have only borrowed the characters from Mr Bellisario and co. Any resemblence to real events, people or places is coincidental and typical of my rotten luck! Apologies abound if that is the case ...
Cait's thoughts af the end of the Crossover episode.
THE FINAL STRAW.
Standing discreetly out of the way, in the doorway of the Santini Air hangar, Caitlin O'Shannessy, a solemn expression on her face, watched with a heavy heart, as Stringfellow Hawke and Inge said their goodbyes, Archangel holding open the door to the white limo for her, reminding her silently that they should be making a move.
The look on Hawke's face spoke volumes about what the Czech woman had come to mean to him in such a short time, and it was like the twist of a knife in Cait's chest, especially as she had been so worried about him, fearing that he had been killed ...
God, I wish I could hate her ….
I want to scratch her damned eyes out!
But, the truth is, I know exactly how she feels.
He's the one I should really be mad at, but dammit, I can't find it in my heart to be angry with him for simply being him self.
For being the man I care for.
Love ….
Yes dammit, love!
Look at him now, the way he is holding her, looking at her ….
Inge ….
I can see how much she cares too, how hard it is for her to be saying goodbye.
And I can see how difficult it is for him too.
Someone else he's come to care for, being snatched away from him.
I should be happy for him.
He is such a nice man. A good man ...
A wonderful man.
If anyone deserves to find love and happiness, it's Stringfellow Hawke.
He has so much to offer some lucky lady.
But he doesn't believe that.
Deep down inside, he doesn't believe that he should he happy.
He doesn't believe that he has that right, and it's so damned hard to fight against that deep rooted belief and make him see the truth ….
He's so damned hard on himself ….
Punishing him self when there really is no need ….
And I'm such a shrew ….
I hate myself, standing here, wishing all kinds of misery and hell on her when the only thing she has done is fall in love with the man that I love.
I should be happy for him, glad that at last he's allowing himself to open up his heart.
He finds it so difficult to allow himself to care, always fearing that Fate will once again conspire against him, and that he will be left alone, heart broken again, wondering why it is that every woman that he has ever dared to love has abandoned him, one way or another, afraid to reach out, to trust, to believe that some day it might turn out differently ….
I should be rejoicing for him ….
Rejoicing that even if only for a little while, he has found a little love and happiness.
But what I really want to do is shake the living daylights out of him, to scream in his face, why don't you try looking right under your damned nose, Hawke?
Why don't you look at me like that!
Oh God, how I love him ….
More and more every day, since I nearly lost him to that wretch Angelica Horn ….
When I thought he'd died right there in my arms ….
And Lord, how it's tearing me apart to see him throwing himself at every damned female who flutters her eyelashes at him!
Why can't he love me?
Why can't he see how I feel, what he means to me, how it's tearing me apart to see him turn to any other woman who crosses his path, instead of me?
Never me ...
Does he even really see me any more?
Sometimes, I think I'm invisible ….
Cait.
Just Cait.
The crazy Texan red head who makes him laugh, or makes him cranky ….
The crazy Texan red head who is always there to back him up. Who would follow him to the ends of the earth …. Who would die for him, if necessary ….
Kid sister, Cait ….
But dammit, I'm not his sister, and I don't need a brother!
What does it take to get through that thick stubborn skull of his?
Do I really have to throw myself at him too? Be just like all the others?
I'm not sure that would work either.
He's so damned stubborn ….
So determined that he can't be happy, and make plans for the future, not while his brother's fate is still so uncertain.
I can't make him love me.
I can't make him see what is so obvious to other people ….
And if I somehow find the courage to tell him how I feel, make him face up to it, then I guess I know I am the one who is going to end up getting hurt, because if he doesn't care for me in the same way, it will only make things more difficult to deal with.
I wish I knew, once and for all, just what is going on in his mind.
If he doesn't love me, then fine, I can deal with that, but if he does care for me and is deliberately denying it to himself, to me, because it would make it difficult for us to work together, to see each other every day …. Maybe I could find some way to make him see that we can work something out ….
We can find a way ….
It is not impossible!
I guess it really is up to me.
I have to be adult about this, and make a choice.
I love him, but I can't make him fall in love with me, and I guess I just have to face up to that fact or it is going to end up eating me alive.
If he doesn't want me ….
If he can never love me, if I can't be the one to love him and make him happy, then I guess I just have to make myself stop caring so much ….
Make myself love him as a friend, and a sister, if that is all that he wants, for that has to be better than not having him in my life at all ….
I have to be the one to harden my heart, to step back ….
I'm only going to go on hurting myself if I carry on this way.
But it makes me so mad, when I think what we could have together ….
So, I guess its time to let it go, Caitlin ….
You'll never stop loving him, but you have to use that love in other ways, be his friend, back him up, support him and protect him because that is all that he is prepared to accept from you ….
You can't go on biding your time, hoping that he will suddenly come to his senses!
So maybe it's time to start looking some place else, for someone else …. No matter how hard it is ….
Time to let it go kid, for your own sanity and peace of mind …. You're strong, you'll survive it ….
You just have to accept that it is not meant to be and get on with living your own life.
And let Hawke live his, the best way he can.
Somewhere, out there, someone is just waiting to fall in love with you, someone that you can give your heart to, someone you can build a life with ….
Something that can never happen with Stringfellow Hawke because he cannot allow himself to be happy, to look forward to a future, until he has resolved the sorrows from his past.