"Don't look back. Don't look back. Don't look back." Carol chanted under her breath as she got into the car and started the engine. She didn't listen to herself of course, when had she ever? She glanced in the rear view mirror and saw that Rick hadn't moved a muscle in the entire time she had been loading the car. She concentrated on the sound of the engine idling, letting the rhythmic rumbling lull her into an almost meditative state.
"Put the car into drive and just pull away, come on you can do it. Don't think about what he said…don't think about what HE might say." Carol sat with her hands fixed on the steering wheel, staring out of the windscreen into nothing. Rick had made it clear that she had nothing at the prison to return to; there would be no welcoming committee waiting for her at the gate this time around. She swiped her hand under her eyes to remove any sign of threatening tears, determined to get through it without breaking down completely; put the car in gear and pulled away without looking back again.
She made a whole five miles before the first tear fell, eight by the time she was sobbing and by mile ten she realised that she couldn't even see the road anymore. Carol drew the car to a halt; folded her hands across the top of the wheel and leant her head against them; shoulders shaking with the force of her anguish.
On prayer, in a song; I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on….
The lyrics from one of her favourite songs drifted through her mind as she struggled to compose herself. She could almost hear his voice in her mind, telling her to stop with the prayers as they did absolutely no good at all. She was the only person that she could rely on now, Rick had made it perfectly clear that the whole group shared his feelings that she was not a welcome member of the group any longer; nor could she call the prison home. The prison may not have seemed like home to some; but to Carol it was the first place where she had truly felt like Carol Peletier. Not a housewife or a mother; nor was she anyone's punching bag any longer. She had Daryl to thank for that…. "Daryl…." She whispered softly, heart aching for what might have been, but now surely never could.
Carol wiped her eyes and sat back against the driver's seat. She leant over to the passenger side to retrieve a map folded on the seat, scanning for potential destinations. She grabbed a marker pen from the dashboard and placed a giant black cross over the Mert County Prison and nearby town of Woodbury. "No use heading in that direction, nothing left for you there." She traced her finger along the highway markings until she came a small town some fifty miles away. Just outside of that town was a small farm that held many memories for her and the rest of the group; some good and some bad. She refolded the map and placed it inside of her tan satchel. Looking at the gauge on the dash, she could see that she had less than a quarter tank remaining. Carol got out of the car, retrieved a gas can from the boot and topped off the tank, leaving the empty can at the side of the road.
And again I see my yesterdays in front of me, unravelling like a mystery... Another line from the song sprang into her mind as she flicked her gaze over to the map again; smiling at the aptness of the lyrics. Choice made, Carol restarted the engine. She instinctively checked for oncoming traffic and then laughed aloud at the absurdity of the gesture. "You're losing the plot, there hasn't been any traffic along this road since the last time we came down it – unless you count the Walkers that is." Turning the car around in the middle of the highway, Carol flicked on her headlights and drove off into the night.