Alright, alright...look, I know I said that I wasn't going to do any shipping fics, but well...since this isn't technically..."dedicated"...I'll let this one slide. It's just that, "Life of a Cerberus Assault Trooper" is starting to get a little too serious. I mean, it's okay to do some sort of touching scene blanketed by a form of literary eloquence, but, it's starting to become a habit. Really, my story's starting to get angsty.

Before half of you all try to lynch me for saying that, I meant that I don't want it to be a central theme for my story. Angst fics aren't necessarily bad. They're really good ways at using the emotions of characters to express themselves in story-efficient ways that most games aren't able to do; I understand the allure, hell, I'm thinking of making a few angsty fics in the future. But the Life of a Cerberus Assault Trooper focuses on a bit of a comedic group of enemies that you face. They're faceless mooks who you constantly slaughter throughout the relatively short Cerberus campaign. There's rarely any genuine interaction between them, except that one "Holy shit that's Shepard!" line. If we're going to be seeing hundreds of them in multiplayer, and single player, why not give a greater appreciation to their status compared to Shepard's expertise in combat? Why not center the narrative in the role of a really crappy gunman, in an entire universe filled to the brim with guys like "N7 Special Forces", "Asari Justicars", and "Hanar Specters"? A comedic approach to this story would outweigh a generally emotional styled narrative, in terms of enjoyment. Sure, there could be some serious PTSD problems that could ensue, as shown in some chapters in my story, along with the fact that Cerberus personnel could eventually find out that they were indoctrinated by the Illusive Man the entire time. But still, this is a separate story, led by comedy, with little moments of really sad things.

So as a result, I took this story idea that I drafted up in my head, to get a bit of practice on humor fics, before finally going back to the Life of a Cerberus Trooper.

And what better way of telling a comedic story, than following the desires of a faulty Commander Shepard?

Note: He is unrelated to the other Commander Shepard in my previous story.

Another note: I do not own Mass Effect, if I did, I'd rewrite the entire plot, to accommodate for space slugs, and ninja cowboys.

Garrus, was looking at a chicken wing.

Somehow, through some unexplained miracle in scientific advancements, chickens, are now suddenly "dextro-friendly"... to eat. Yet, for a whole hour, the lone Turian just stood there, staring at the still chunk of meat with a concerned look that was pasted onto his half-scarred face.

"It...we Turians aren't really related to birds, right?" he said in his head.

Aboard the SR2, the only things he really shoved down his throat were dextro-amino substitutes for pudding, and almost inedible pieces of meat that was charred up, and thrown together by Rupert.

Oh, Ancestors...that came out wrong...

He never really understood the allure of chicken in Human culture. It carried very little meat, to accommodate for the work necessary to capture, and devour it. Maybe, since some people say that they're related to dinosaurs, it's being eaten, because of Humanity's pervasive desire for some sort of power, over things that are significantly stronger than them. But, according to a Human he knew, they were apparently called "Terrible Lizards", in another name, so maybe, the so-called-atrocities carried out by them were unforgivable, and maybe eating their descendants added some sort of insult, to injury.

Or maybe, the First Contact War left permanent scars on Humanity, and they wanted to be able to eat something that looked like a Turian...

Well, he did look avian-like, and his still charred face from Omega looks like the pierced chicken skin that's currently engulfing a fork's pointed end. Still, he was kinda tired of sharing that dextro-paste with Tali everyday, and this was the only alternative. But this...this just felt wrong...

"Maybe one bite wouldn't hurt..."

Immediately after contemplating that, a huge gloved hand swiped the piece of meat off the plate. He looked up, and caught the sight of Commander Shepard, crunching down on the broken skin, his teeth plowing into the already cracked bone, with a small shower of grease sliding down his unclothed arm.

"Ancestors!"The Turian covered his mouth with an open palm, while screaming muffled gags, and drew the attention of the Renegade-Paragon hybrid in front of him.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry man. I've been staring at you for a half-hour, and I thought you weren't going to eat it!" Shepard said, before dropping the chicken, back onto the plate.

"No, no...it's not that..." he muttered under his hand. "It's just...never mind...uh, you said you were here for a half-hour?"

"Yeah...it's just that...we've done so much man. We killed off the Reapers, and kicked...so much ass." he said, halfheartedly.

"You sound disappointed."

"Well, I just don't know what to do. I've been doing this shit for years, and now...I'm finally bored."

Garrus attempted to raise an eyebrow. "So, you must miss all the genocides, don't you?"

"YES!" Shepard screeched, while flipping the table between them, drawing the attention of the crewmen around them.

Garrus looked around, and nervously motioned Shepard, to follow him to an empty hallway. As they were disappearing out of sight, a security guard, clad in a black jumpsuit, and an almost comically large shotgun approached the shocked Turian.

"Is there a problem here?"

Garrus looked over his shoulder, and saw Shepard slowly closing his fist, on a pistol's barrel. "Uh...I'm sorry sir, my friend here is unbelievably drunk, I need to take him out of here before he gets someone here killed."

The guard nodded, before shooting the ceiling, thus, causing the entirety of the cafe's population to flee, and a certain Turian to jump back.

"What the hell?"

The man smirked. "Now, you won't need to move very far." He exited the corridor, and suddenly straightening his posture marched unto the chaotic crowd of people, who were frantically moving away from the ear-shattering sound.

Garrus in the mean time, maintained a dumbfounded look, before looking back at the Commander, who was only cleaning his gun with an unchanged expression of boredom.

The Turian remained calm, and crossed his arms. "Listen Shepard, you nearly got killed back at the Earth. If you hadn't recruited every, single, living, person, against the Reapers, we probably wouldn't have won, since from what I heard, you told the Catalyst to 'shove the Crucible up his pre-pubescent ass'."

"Yeah...good times..."

"Why don't you find a nicer job, and finally settle down, without having to kill anybody to actually do it?"

"Oh great, the ex-vigilante is telling me to do something non-violent!" He yelled, with his arms frantically wiggling in the air.

"I got a girlfriend!"

"Who?"

"Remember that party back on the Citadel; you helped me convince that Turian to go on a date with me, remember?"

"She's still with you?"

The Turian noticed another faint, yellow glow that appeared on the end of the prominent scar on his face. "Shepard, you better start thinking positively, otherwise that scar's going to reach your eye."

Shepard finally lost his smug face, and cursed. "Shit...how many times did I insult you today?"

"Ten." Garrus's voice changed into a slower tone, but maintained the large, deeply drawled voice that had been used to scare the crap out of people, when he used to be Archangel. "Still Shepard, I can't believe you never agreed to permanently cure your face...too bad you accidentally shot Chakwas during your drinking games...oh, I think your eye's turning red now." he taunted.

Shepard, after remaining silent for a few long, moments, finally said: "So...what do you want me to do?"

"Get a girlfriend at least."

"What?"

"Listen, with the kind of female companions we traveled with, over the years of fighting Reapers, I'm surprised that you haven't tried to pursue any of them."

"Why would I? I had a galaxy to save, and if I grew too close to any of them, I would be too hesitant to send any of them on missions with me!"

"Well, you've saved the galaxy already, so, I think it's time. You've got all their numbers on your omni-tool anyways."

"Uh, well, I'm kinda nervous, when it comes to relationships."

"Bullshit."

"Wha-"

"I talked to your old Commanding officer, and he said that he had records of you, trying to hit on your subordinates, your comrades, and your superiors as a recruit."

"That was years ago."

"...And a bunch of Asari Commandos during your time as an N7."

"That was a couple of years ago."

"...And Drell, Asari, and Salarian supermodels during a shore leave, last year."

"My commanding officer knew that?"

"He was an ex-intelligence officer."

"He never told me that."

"For good reasons."

Shepard sighed helplessly, before finally saying one more thing: "Well, you told me of all my rejections. How do you know that I won't get my ass kicked again?" he said, dejectedly.

"Because..." Garrus finally, truly smiled, while gripping Shepard's left shoulder lightly. "...Because you're Commander Fucking Shepard!"

Shepard smiled back. "AWWWWW YEAAAAHHH!"

The two fist-bumped, finally breaking the nerve-fueled tension that had been lingering in the room. Garrus spoke first.

"So, are you going to call Tali, or what?" Garrus finally said, in an alien, but enthusiastic voice.

Shepard looked at the Turian with bewilderment. "What?"

"Uh, what do you mean?"

"Why Tali?"

"Well, she did have a sort of a cute crush on you for a while, and she's been with you the longest out of all our teammates, besides me."

"What, no!"

"Why not?" Garrus said, with a disappointed look on his face.

"First of all, she's like, thirteen years younger than me! Secondly, she's a Quarian."

"Well you're a racist bastard!"

"No...I'm not being racist, it's just that, she could get seriously sick if she even removes that helmet! What do you think will happen, if I try to 'pop in the heat sink'?"

"First, you said that you'd never mention that again. Second, isn't that the beauty of the whole thing, to defy logic and natural barriers, in order to pursue your true lov-" Garrus quickly closed his mouth, before he made everything worse.

"Garr-us?" Shepard slowly said, while trying to maintain a voice unobstructed by shock. "That was...really out of character. I didn't know you..uh...well..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Garrus spoke up. "It, it was nothing! I just got nervous, seriously, go on, talk about Tali, tell me that I've convinced you!"

"Listen, Garrus, I am not interested in Tali."

"Bu-"

"I don't like the idea. I'd be endangering her safety, and I just, don't want to have a relationship with Tali. I will never pursue her, ever."

Garrus opened his mouth to try to make another attempt at convincing him, but stopped short of the sounds of an electronic gasp behind them. The two of them turned around to see a motionless Tali standing right behind them.

"Shit."

"So...uh, Tali! What are you, doing here?" Garrus said, somewhat casually.

The lone Quarian made an attempt to walk toward them, but only came with a sloppy motion toward them, with the help of a wall that kept her from falling onto the hard, plated floor. Her face faced the ground, barely moving as the dim light attempted to reflect off of her helmet, but only carried a soft glow, that slowly began to disappear as she walked away from it, and toward them.

"You've fucked up..." Garrus whispered toward Shepard, who was cautiously trying to hide behind him.

The Quarian stopped, only a mere two feet away from the two before saying with a voice plagued by faint sniffles, and devoid of any life between words. "I...was just checking on you guys...I heard that you, um, two we-were here...and then I heard some gunshots. I wanted t-t-to see if you were alright."

"Uh...yeah...we're fine...just, some crazy security guard, he ran off..." Garrus said, with his voice almost breaking.

"And..also about what you said Shep...ard:" She looked up, revealing that her once luminescent eyes grew dimmed, and was replaced with a murky spread of blue that covered the only thing that anybody could actually see on her face. "It's alright." she said, with a voice that failed to fake her mostly cheery personality. "I understand, I wouldn't want you to feel all the guilt, if anything happened to me during...it."

Shepard spoke up. "Listen Tali...I'm sorr-"

"I SAID IT'S ALRIGHT! Keelah Shepard, I said I'm fine!" She backed away. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine..." she repeated helplessly, before her voice finally turned from comprehensive words, into a jumble of sounds that were echoed by long sob. Before Shepard could make any attempt to comfort her, she ran out of the hallway, with her loud cries being raised in volume as she went farther, and farther away.

The two silently stood there, trying to make some sort of effort at saying something.

Garrus finally broke the silence, with his voice maintaining a steady calm. "Okay. Tali's out of the question."

"Yeah...I think I got that."

"Who are you going to go after now?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, once you think of it, talk to me." Garrus put his hand on Shepard's shoulder again. "And please...don't fuck up again, I really don't enjoy crying."

Shepard threw up.

"Was that the dextro-chicken wing, or the nervousness?"

"Both."

Don't worry Talimancers. I won't be prejudiced...I'll be doing this to every ship.