Author's Note: I am well aware he rambles and some phrases don't make sense. It's his thinking process. I hope you enjoy. Kevin's taken off.

his beautiful destruction

who do you think you are, nick? not what people think of you, not what you do, not any of the material things that you have. you, nick. what do you think of yourself?

december 25, 2007.

joe gave me this. told me to use it said maybe it would help me with my feelings. he told me to write down anything i'm feeling, anything hurting. i don't think it will help much. i tell joe everything anyways; there's no point to really writing things down.

joe told me to use it. begged me too.

i think i make him suffer too much with my problems. i apologized but he told me to not be silly; told me don't be stupid nick. he said he's my brother and he's supposed to help me.

this christmas it was so different. we sat silently around the room, dully opening presents we didn't even want. faking smiles, saying thank you.

i watched my father open his gift from joe; a nice clean pressed shirt with a tie that probably cost joe too much money. i watched my dad chuck it to the side, saw joe purse his lips in pain, and felt my face turn hot. i didn't say anything.

frankie sits and rolls a toy car over the carpet. joe and i combined money for that.

mom just stared blankly. i tried to show her my gift for her; a book i'd managed to get-one of those picture books that tell those important stories, but she didn't even recognize me. i swallowed the lump in my throat.

dad says men can't cry. he only started saying that when kevin left.

i gave joe a camera; a canon that cost three months of my savings. gave it to him and he smiled for the first time in a long time. he thanked me and i smiled.

i felt good doing something right.

he gave me this journal. said he was sorry he couldn't afford more and i told him don't be silly i love it. i know joe works too hard. has to pay for mom's medical bills and dad's beer. works so hard with his three jobs. dropped out of high school to support them but he had so much potential i know.

i know how that christmas dinner, the sad, dry half-baked turkey cost him three days of his work on minimum wage. saw him scrape the money off the counter and count it over and over and over.

i want to drop out and help him but he won't let me. he won't let me. he says i have to stay in school-become someone. he said he chose this fate for himself but doesn't want me to fall into it.

i make sure i give him all the money i get from my job. it isn't much but it helps us not get evicted.

kevin took all the money. he makes me so mad sometimes, makes joe so mad sometimes. i used to bring him up but i just watched joe purse his lips and blink away tears and i stopped. how could kevin be so selfish i don't know, i don't know.

i miss kevin though. missed him so much. i call him all the time begging him to come home come home. kevin always hangs up. joe doesn't know i still talked to kevin. joe would kill me.

i know dad hurt kevin, wish i had done something, wish i hadn't just stood there and been such a coward. kevin's gone now.

i called kevin two days ago. asked him to please come have christmas with us so we could be a family.

we sat around the dinner table and ate that dry turkey with the lumpy mashed potatoes joe tried so hard to make.

dad said it tasted like shit and i watched joe bite his lip and try not to cry.

i didn't say anything, just kept eating my half-baked turkey with the mashed potatoes. no gravy. we couldn't afford gravy.

kevin didn't show.

goodbye.

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