Summary: James and Lily in a love-hate relationship, Sirius is one sexy beast, and Peter is somewhere else. Join Lily and her two bestest buddies on their journey trough clichéd-dom.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything except this here bowl of awful good cereal flakes. crunch
GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Chapter One: And I am the Sexy One
Lily Evans, a girl with flawless red hair, beautiful bright green eyes, and a gorgeous figure, was late for the train. She was late because her horrible father raped her, and her mother and sister threw little pieces of toast at her head while she was trying to leave the house. And now, Lily was hurrying through the station with her large Hogwarts luggage swinging madly behind her.
LILY: I sure hope I don't miss the train!
Lily did not miss the train. She made it just in time. In fact, she almost got crushed by the automatic closing doors as she boarded.
LILY: Hmmm…. Where to sit. Where to sit.
That's when Lily's best friend forever entered the scene.
HOME GIRL: Yo, wassup, Lil-Dawg!
Despite being called something other than her real name, Lily greeted Home Girl with a giant, beautiful smile. Home Girl Smith was the girl's name. She had long, black hair, purple eyes with orange polka dots, a petite figure, size 6 shoes, and was always wearing Capri pants no matter what.
LILY: Hey, Home Girl!
HOME GIRL: Come here, girl! Me an' our other friend already have a compartment! Dawg!
SMART N BRITISH: Hullo, mate! Come an' join us!
Smart N British Johnson was also very beautiful. She was the smartest person in the school, except for Lily, who was smarter than everybody. Smart N British had long blonde hair that went alllll the way to her knees, but her hair still had great volume and was very lovely. Her eyes were the color of the sea. She had a tiny birthmark on her shoulder, and her nose crinkled when she said the word, "raspberry."
LILY: I'm sorry. I've got to get to the Head Girl/Boy compartment and have an unexpected encounter with hilarious consequences. So I guess I'll see you later. Peace out.
HOME GIRL: See ya, gurrrrl!
Lily continued down the train's hallway thing. When she finally found the right compartment, she opened the door.
LILY: Gasp…?
Asleep in the compartment was James Potter, the handsome Quidditch Captain and apparent new Head Boy. He had unruly hair. It was always unruly. Lily stood there in utter terror, pondering her existence. The train shook, and her body somehow fell upon Potter's.
JAMES: snort Gah… Wha? Evans? Ha, I knew it.
Lily fell off of him and onto the floor, dead.
JAMES: What?
Not really. I lied.
JAMES: Oh.
Lily gets up from the floor and spits a wad of saliva into Potter's gorgeous face.
LILY: You're such an arrogant toe rag, Potter! I hope you die in a vat of boiling steaming lava!
JAMES: sigh But you don't know how I feel.
LILY: Who the hell cares. It's only the beginning of the story, dontcha know.
DAY TURNS TO NIGHT AND NIGHT TURNS TO DAY AND BACK TO NIGHT AGAIN AND THEN BACK TO DAY
LILY: I'm so glad it's the weekend.
SMART N BRITISH: I can' wait 'til Hogsmeade trips start. But I've no ackers.
After the end of the obvious attempt at sounding British, the author decided that the Marauders should enter the scene. Oh yeah, and they're all in the Great Hall, by the way.
JAMES: I am the leader of the group!
SIRIUS: I am the sexy one! Who seems to be single for some reason!
REMUS: I'm the sensible one who doesn't talk often because I'm not very fun.
JAMES: And Peter is off in the corner somewhere because the author doesn't really care about him.
PETER: I love you guys!
SIRIUS: M'kay.
The three hot ones decide to sit near the three nice girls.
JAMES: Evans! How are you today!
LILY: Piss off.
SIRIUS: Hey, Home Girl. I've lost my number. Can I have yours?
HOME GIRL: Ain't no way in the Ghetto. I hate choo.
REMUS: Hey, Smart N British. Wanna meet in the library to study with me?
SMART N BRITISH: Why, I dunnoooo. I could eat a child wit der smallpox at the moment. So it'll have to wait. Oy, Lily.
LILY: Yes?
SMART N BRITISH: I'm confused about me feelings for Remus there.
HOME GIRL: Y'all are perfect fo' each other! SIRIUS GET YO PAWS OFF MA' HIPS!
SIRIUS: Awww.
JAMES: Let's bounce, gang.
The Marauders swiftly bounce out of the room.
LILY: Gosh darnit, I hate those Marauders.
HOME GIRL: Yo, G, the Yule Ball is comin' up soon. We gotta find dates.
LILY: Already? But it's only September.
HOME GIRL: Not anymore. This story's gotta move faster, or we ain't ever going to get wit those guys.