Title: Hereby I promise never to have sex with a woman again
Subtitle: Who's Gravity?
Chapter: 3
Summary: Leon is a big strong man, no nonsense guy. He is an expert in everything. Everything? Well… except for what women endure after nine months of pregnancy…
Pairing: LeonxAshley
Rating: R
Warnings: what's worse than Ganado? A woman giving birth. Ask any guy who fainted during the birth of his kids.
A/N: My best knowledge of RE4 is what Mr. ~Blastebird told me: killing Ganado with a bullet straight between the eyes, and that Leon only one time says: "Stand back, Ashley".
So forgive me if this is very OOC. This plotbunny kept staring at me and knowing plotbunnies… resistance is futile. Ms. ~cutecookiecat ? The plotbunny hunt shirt worked! *dances embarrassing little victory dance*
A/N2: Somehow the strongest men manage to turn into complete soft idiots – seen it – when their lady love gives birth. *evil smirk and singing* Oh Leon…!
A/N3: I'm sorry if he appears too much of an idiot, for I have heard men actually say these things to the doctor when their lassies were in… I'm not gonna give it all away! On with da show and do some good R&R afterwards!
---
It had started with just a regular pain in the back.
As if she was in the midst of her period.
The only problem was: she hadn't been in her period for over nine whole months.
That's when it began…
---
He would never complain about pain again.
Ever.
Shoot him the next time he complained a wound was painful.
This made him understand that pain – the pain that he endured – was irrelevant.
---
'What am I supposed to do?'
Merchant rolled his eyes and sighed. Didn't he know?
'She's in pain!'
'That is obvious…' Merchant rolled his eyes again. What was this guy? Skilled in combat, an expert in survival and retrieval missions, but a total noob when it came to the one thing that currently meant the survival of the human race on this side of the Atlantic.
'Well?!'
With another sigh, Merchant started: 'Comfort her, massage her back when she asks you to, whisper little nothings that everything will be alright and stuff and wait until the baby is born. Until the birth giving part is over, she will be in pain.'
'But?!'
'No buts but your own, you started this!' she grunted with terror in her eyes.
'And she will most likely be like that during labor, crushing your hand and shrieking and growling all sorts of insults she doesn't mean at all,' Merchant pointed out as he grabbed a small basket and made his way for the door.
'But… what?! Wait!' Merchant left; he had better things to do now then to comfort the idiot combatant and his little lassie in labor.
Oh dear God… What had they started that dreaded night? What had he done to her?
'Oh… and if you faint…' Merchant peeked around the corner, 'she'll never forgive you. So stay on your feet, soldier.'
---
Books… there must be some sort of information about labor, giving birth and babies. Getting smoked salmon with cherry sauce and strawberry sprinkles in the middle of the darn night after a darn fight was nothing compared to this. For nine long months he had managed to hide the three of them – himself, Ashley and their unborn baby – but now, with her ever growing painful grunts, there was no chance they would remain unfound.
'Hmpf…' Merchant gave the couple a weary smile when he returned, 'still in labor I see?'
'How long will this take?' Leon grunted through his teeth, 'she's crushing my hand.'
'Than free your hand and massage the pain away?' the strange man never paid any attention to the couple at all, as he emptied the basket on the table and began sorting out green leaves and flowers.
This was no time at all, in Leon's opinion, to make bouquets.
Right now, Leon wished that he could shoot Merchant. It wasn't the brightest of ideas, since Merchant knew about labor and supplied him with stuff. Tormented by Ashley's bone-crushing grip on his hand – the girl could be strong after all – he had little else to do but to sit this contraction out.
From the other side of the small makeshift room Leon noticed that Merchant had began mashing some green stuff in a bowl. 'If you have nothing else to do but complaining, check the time between her contractions.'
'What for?'
Did Merchant have to explain everything? 'It indicates how far along she is in giving birth…'
'Oh…' He could almost hear Merchant whisper: bonehead.
A few minutes later, Merchant moved towards Ashley. His raspy voice and scary eyes almost freaked the hell out of her.
'Calm down, girl… here, drink this. It will help.' Placing the small bowl at her lips, he gave her some icky green stuff to drink. It smelled foul and tasted disgusting and it took all her strength to drink the stuff. 'Not all medicine tastes good, little girl.'
'What is that?'
'Now you wonder about what she gets to drink? It helps speed up labor.' Merchant growled softly at him, 'Now act as if you know what you're doing. She's uncertain about this situation, and so are you. Your ridiculous mental state drives her even more uncertain. So act mature and comfort her!'
'How?!'
'AARGH! Just hold her! Warm her back, hold her as she is in pain and play the strong soldier for her!'
Biting back, Leon did as told. Oh dear God… how he hated not to be in control of the situation, not knowing what would happen next.
Eliminate enemies: can be done
Retrieve the President's daughter: piece of cake
Make out with President's daughter: easier then you can say "crazy-ass Ganado killer on the loose"
Helping her during labor: ………
Merchant sighed and picked up what cushions and blankets he had. Even in this war-torn area, he wanted to be as comfortable as the situation allowed him to be.
Shoving everything up against the wall and the floor, he gestured Leon to come over. 'Pick her up and sit with her, she against your chest, you against the wall. No questions, just do it.'
Finally, he got the hang of it. He figured, after touching her back, that if her muscles were sore and aching from the involuntary contractions, that warmth could loosen up her muscles a bit. Still, he felt uncomfortable in this position. He was stuck between Ashley and the wall and couldn't move freely. That was something he hated too.
On the other hand, it was a lot better that Ashley had stopped complaining, with an occasional grunt as a contraction overwhelmed her.
It had a deeper meaning. If the soldier was stuck against the wall, he wouldn't be able to kill Merchant whenever Ashley would give birth in the end. Men were crazy creatures, when it came to women in labor.
'Now the time between her contractions please? Tell me sometime before labor is over?'
---
'Five minutes…' Leon timed, 'that means?' At last, he had figured out that a contraction meant all her abdominal muscles cramping and that the time between contractions meant that her abdominal muscles were relaxed.
'That she is getting closer to giving birth itself.'
'And that will be in how much time?'
'I don't know. Some women take several hours, others more then a day. She's young and it's her first, so expect the worst.'
'…No…' a small whimper emerged from Ashley, 'not a day…'
'Hush girl, what is one day in a human lifetime?'
'Actually…. How many times have you assisted women with giving birth?'
'With humans? None. I've helped cows.'
It was that he was stuck against the wall, with Ashley holding him down. Or else he would have stormed at Merchant and beaten the crap out of him.
'Cows, women, they're all the same,' Merchant continued before Leon could explode in rage, 'so don't complain about that. Be glad that someone has a little experience here.'
'Well,' he replied with sarcasm in his voice, 'then I'm glad that at least one of us has experience…'
Merchant smirked and continued to do his chores, as if the couple just wasn't there.
---
'Ouch!'
'Ouch?' Looking up from mashing some more green leaves and whatevers, Merchant smirked. 'She hasn't said ouch in hours and you complain about her nails digging in your thighs?'
If looks could kill, Merchant would be a puddle of goo by now. But the man was right, somehow.
'Try ouch next time… with giving birth…' Ashley managed to croak out between her gritted teeth.
'How much time between the contractions?'
'Two minutes…'
'Good…' Merchant grabbed a blanket and threw it over Ashley's legs, 'now prop up your legs dear, good…' Much to Leon's fury, Merchant's hands disappeared underneath the blanket.
'What the hell are you doing with my girl!?' Now Merchant was glad Leon was trapped between Ashley and the wall. He would not have survived at all.
Merchant sighed wearily, rolled his eyes and grunted, 'checking how much dilatation she has?'
'Come again?'
'Through what do you think the baby leaves her body?'
'Excuse me?'
'The same channel the baby got in?'
'And that is?!'
'Her vagina, you idiot!' [1]
---
This left Leon completely pale.
He would never ever do that again to Ashley, nor to any other woman in his life! This was definitely the last time.
Sex was easy, nice and fun. It didn't hurt, if he took his time.
Labor, the result of sex and nine months of pregnancy – indicating that unprotected sex and no birth control was a prelude to hell – hell itself.
'I never thought I'd say this, but… men! No wonder women complain about our gender…' he muttered to himself before he turned to Ashley again. 'Calm down dear, you can do this. Just relax a little bit. It won't be long from here.'
She gave a weary nod. 'Make it end…'
'That's up to you, my dear.' Merchant removed his blood stained hands from the blanket. 'I'd say you're ready to.' If only you could keep quiet, than you won't attract any of our foes… 'Keep breathing, that's the key…'
'Well?'
'Well what?'
'How much dilatation?'
'Five centimeters…'
'Just five?' Ashley wailed, 'but… I can't take much more!'
For the first time in seven hours, Leon did something smart.
'Yes you can…' he whispered sweetly, his lips close to her ear, 'you can. I know. You're my strong Ashley…' whispering sweet little nothings and encouragements. Ashley seemed to calm down from the "terrible" news. A little smile indicated that she relaxed, as she rested her head against his shoulder.
Actually, she did better than most of the cows Merchant had assisted during birth.
---
'Shouldn't she be lying down?' Leon asked, perhaps his second smart remark in hours. He actually grew some brains!
'No. Let gravity help her.' The labor itself had started; she was bleeding and in ever growing pain.
'Gravity? Who's Gravity?' Correction, he didn't grow a brain.
'Huff with her, if you can't ask smart questions.'
'There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.' Leon retorted.
'And you're one of them.'
---
Settling between her thighs, Merchant patted her legs, 'Come on girl… push with all your might…' She did. Encouraging her, Merchant found out that she actually did her best to push the baby out.
'Good girl, good girl, now take a breather…' her face had turned red; her head slammed back against Leon's shoulder as she huffed for free air.
Ashley gave him a weary smile.
'Now… come on … you can do it! Push!'
She did. And again… and again… and again…
---
How the hell did that little being sprout from their lovemaking?
Somehow terribly weak in the stomach, and terribly proud, Leon gazed at that little being in Ashley's arms.
'She's got my eyes.' The little girl had somehow caught his finger and wouldn't let go.
'Silly… all babies have blue eyes when born.' With a smile she answered, 'Look, she's got some grip.'
'Like her mother,' he mused, stretching his free – and almost crushed – hand.
'Will the two of you cut the sweetness and get ready to move?'
'What for?'
'Don't turn all sappy and fluffy on me now, soldier. Why do you think I never stay at one place?'
'Ganado?'
'Bingo, give that man a prize!'
'But how are we supposed to move her?!'
Merchant sighed, Dear Lord, give me patience with this man… 'She walks with us?'
'I can walk.' Giving both men a weary smile she tried her best to get up and walked a little, 'See?'
'You walk like you've taken a helluva beating from a Ganado,' was Leon's best answer, before she shot him a dark look.
'You try to walk after giving birth.'
'That's impossible for a man.'
'I know, 'cause if you men did this, Mr. Smart-ass, the human race would be extinct by now.'
'You win.' Smiling, he got up, relieved that she was literally off his chest.
It wasn't possible arguing with Ashley at the moment. She would walk, whether the two men wanted or not.
---
Why did I let them talk me into being their donkey? I might as well grow a tail and donkey ears… Leon dragged a makeshift sled behind him with the supplies of the small cabin. Weaponry, potions, sprays, bandages, herbs and whatever supplies Merchant had.
Why did I let them talk me into traveling with them? Wherever he goes, trouble is up ahead… Merchant sighed, one out of many sighs that day. Leon dragged his supplies; he carried the baby.
Why did I let them talk me into walking? This hurts even worse than labor… Ashley thought as she tried to walk with dignity. The cane she used for support chafed her hands and her belly hurt like hell.
'We're being followed.' Merchant's raspy voice broke the silence, 'and the baby is hungry and… smelly.'
'How are we going to do things? I mean… me changing the diapers and feeding, and you guys doing the shooting part?'
'We hide in there.' At long last Leon was glad that he could do something he understood.
"Get chased by Ganado" , "lock and load the guns" and "shoot the Ganado in the head" followed by "save the target" were things he understood. (The same went for "making out with this target".)
---
"In there" was a small abandoned church, probably devoted to some Saint that had failed to protect the inhabitants of the town.
'The Virgin Mary… Mother of God…' Ashley whispered as she entered the church. 'There's a small alcove for her.'
'How nice,' Merchant answered, his voice full of disrespect, 'can she save us? Can she undo what is done?'
'No… but she gives me strength,' she whispered softly, pressing the baby to her chest.
'Than perhaps we should send you out on the field of battle!'
Suddenly Merchant was grabbed by the collar and flung into the wall. 'Now don't raise your voice at my girls!' Bared gritted teeth and a hideous snarl inches from Merchant's face were enough to scare any man. Not Merchant.
He only chuckled, 'Then I will not do so again.'
Behind him, the little girl wailed at the top of her lungs, perhaps the first time that day.
'Hush now sweetie… hush…' Ashley cradled the baby, holding her close, 'Mr. Merchant and daddy won't do that again, if they wish to keep you silent, now will they?' That last came out with a grunt and a foul look.
'No we won't,' both men answered ashamed and in unison. With a final push to the wall, Leon set Merchant free. Ashley had a strange result on Leon. On Merchant too, actually.
Several minutes later, and one silent baby, Leon and Merchant had unwrapped the gear and chosen the choir as their place to be. Ganado were actually good climbers, but if they could get the Ganado to concentrate on them and them alone, Ashley would be safer.
Too bad, Merchant mused as he took position at the choir, the first day in this world, and all the baby would hear was gunfire and feel her parent's fear.
'What is her name?' This caught the two parents off guard.
'Her name?'
'Come on… you've had nine months to think of a name, and you tell me you didn't name her at all?' With a smirk, Merchant turned to the door.
'Look alive. They're here.' It was odd, somehow the Ganado had memory of how to use doors. Slumping in the Ganado zeroed in. One by one they fell as Leon and Merchant let a hail of bullets rain down on them.
'There's just too many of them! Ashley, reload these!' She did as told and shoved the reloaded gun back to Merchant.
'As usual! Now zip it and fire!'
Leon wondered if they would survive. Let alone, get out alive. He could have ended it with grenades, but then he would have run out of 'm. Instead he used the grenades as an easy way to commit suicide. Never would they get Ashley nor their baby alive.
Slowly the Ganado gained access to the choir and started to climb the stairs, and the walls themselves. Should he pull the plug?
No. 'Ashley, take the right and shoot 'm,' Leon ordered, 'Merchant, take the left.' All three covered the walls in a hailstorm of bullets, the sound of gunfire echoing through the chapel, muffling the sound of bodies falling to the ground and the wail of a little unnamed baby.
Taking up a second gun with his free hand, Leon shot several Ganado who succeeded in climbing over the railing of the choir – or for that matter: missed by Ashley's terrible aim – zeroing in on Ashley.
At long last the echoes faded away. The sound of Ganado, falling bodies and a wailing baby faded away as well.
Exhausted, they slept where they sat, hoping that none would enter and kill them in their sleep.
---
The first bath of the baby was a bath in – what was left of – holy water. It was cold, so she could show off (or sound off) her perfect lungs.
'Thought of a name yet?' Merchant took off the cloth covering his head and wrapped the baby in it. To anyone else, it would have been disgusting and unhygienic. To Ashley and Leon, it was the most gentle gesture they'd had in months.
'Your face…' She could hardly believe what she saw. 'What happened?'
Scars from a burning covered the right side of his face. His eyes, uneven and in different colors, added to his appearance. Where there should have been a nose, there were two holes; the same went for his right ear.
Sad Merchant turned away from her touch and gaze. 'Do not look at me, I know what I am. A hideous freak.'
'No… you're not,' she whispered, 'you are the kindest person who helped us here.'
'Well… yeah…'
'What? No snappy remarks?' With a smirk Leon left the choir to check the surroundings for safety. Before he left, he saw that she kissed Merchant on the cheek and that Merchant turned all red. Yeah… sometimes life could be good.
'Why do you help us?' she finally dared to ask.
'Because no one was there to help my family when they were in dire jeopardy.'
'You had a family?'
'Odd neh, that such a hideous man can have a family.'
'No. I just wondered… did you gain these scars defending them?'
'There was a fire. Ganado had destroyed most of the house, the gas pipes exploded eventually and burned them alive. My sons died right away. I carried my wife and daughter out, only to find out my wife had died in the fire. My youngest daughter died days later.'
Ashley remained silent for a few moments. 'I'm sorry.'
'Don't be. It wasn't your fault.'
---
'What's your name, Merchant?'
'Never ask for someone's name. You befriend 'm and loose 'm just as fast in this godforsaken continent. It's Ahmet.'
'And you keep calling for God all the time.'
'Well… yeah…' He changed the subject. 'Name your daughter, so you can remember her if she dies here.'
'She won't die. I won't let that happen. Leon won't let that happen.'
'All clear!' Leon ran back into the church. 'It's safe for the time being, repack and let's go!'
'Lily…' Ahmet spoke softly, as his eyes drifted to the statue of the Virgin Mary, constantly praying to some heaven that didn't exist here, for people long gone, 'my daughter's name was Lily.'
'Lily it is, don't you think, Ashley?' Not knowing that Leon had entered the choir he turned around.
'Lily…' The baby opened her eyes and gazed up at her mother. 'Let's go Lily, we must follow daddy around, to safer places…'
'Daddy?' Ahmet's smirk grew wider. 'Daddy Leon?'
'Cut the crap, we have to go.'
'Okay… daddy. '
---
Ashley halted at the alcove of the Virgin Mary. She was not religious at all, but she had to do something. It didn't feel right, being protected in a church without sending thanks to whatever God was left in heaven – if there was one.
Whispering a quick thanks, she lit a wax light and followed Leon and Ahmet out the church.
'Hurry the hell up will ya!?'
'Just saying thanks.'
'Women…'
---
Owari
[1] One man believed – at that moment of total panic – that babies were just pulled out and that everything was over. Through what babies were pulled out, he didn't remember (anymore?). The guy fainted when he found out the baby came out of the vagina -_- That explains the stupidest part of the story.