First chapter is basically an explanation of how Kylo Ren became Ben Solo again. Each chapter is inspired by a song that I believe fits the chapter. If a song is referenced in a chapter, I picture it being similar to the song that the chapter is named after. If you do not like rock music then you will likely not like most of the songs used in this story, but that really won't effect reading the story, just don't listen to the song referenced.
Please note, there may be smut in later chapters, I have not decided yet, but that will not be posted on this site due to rating rules on here. Therefore, explicit content will only be posted on my Archive of Our Own account, which is under the same username.
First chapter's song: Fade In/Fade Out by Nothing More.
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Leia cursed the day that she allowed Ben to be corrupted by Snoke. It was his sixteenth birthday and they had gotten into a fight when he announced he wanted to work with the man and start his singing career. After a long fight she gave in, on the condition that he'd continue his education and at least get a high school diploma, the only promise to her that he actually did keep after joining First Order. When he left he said he'd keep in touch, the biggest lie he'd ever told. Once Ben left, he never looked back, not that Leia believed he'd actually talk to her once he left. She knew he was too angry and blamed her and Han for not being around a lot while he was growing up.
That day began the fall of Ben Solo and the rise of Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren was not her son; rather he was a monster that Snoke created. Her son had always been a bit of an asshole, but he knew his right from his wrong. Kylo Ren only did what was wrong; he was degrading to women, drank too much, and did drugs. It was clear that he had lost himself somewhere along the way and Snoke took advantage of his conflicted nature and made Ben the definition of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. He turned him into the bad boy of rock and roll and it killed her inside knowing that she allowed him to do it all by signing one consent form.
She hadn't heard from Ben in years until the day he ended up in the hospital for overdose. It wasn't for lack of trying on her part, but he never answered her calls or made any sort of attempt to contact her or his father. If she were honest, it gave her hope and made her wonder if Ben was still inside of the shell of the man he had become when she learned that she was still his emergency contact. "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" she asked when he finally woke up.
"What are you doing here?" he practically growled, avoiding eye contact. Their relationship had always been a bit tumultuous, mainly because her and Han were never the best of parents. They tried, but they weren't ready for a kid and their careers were demanding. Looking back she knew that's why Ben had pushed them away; in reality it was just a cry for help. It was a cry that she ignored when she let Snoke take control of her innocent son. She couldn't help but wonder if everything would have been different if she had just been there for him when Ben was younger.
Her heart sank at his question, "I'm still your emergency contact, Ben." She frowned as she leaned back in the hospital chair. She tried to appear strong and put together, but on the inside it tore her apart to see him lying in a hospital bed.
"That's not my name," he huffed, finally looking at her. She could still see the symptoms of his withdrawal. He was just as stubborn as her, trying to act as if nothing was wrong with him when he was clearly hurting from the lack of drugs in his system. This hospital did what they could to make it easier, but it they could only do so much. It was clear to her that he hadn't been sober for a long time.
"I think I know your name, I'm the one that gave it to you," she hated the name Kylo Ren, it would never be the name she'd call him no matter how much he protested. She looked at him and could see how exhausted he was; he had dark circles under his eyes, was far too skinny to be healthy, and his hair was unruly. The one thing she noticed was missing were track marks and he didn't look like he had been snorting drugs, making her believe he was likely popping pills that Snoke likely fed to him to keep him complacent. She wondered if he even knew what he was taking at that point and it hurt her to see her son become such a mess of a man. "You need to relax," she knew fighting would only make it worse so instead she tried to be stern but gentle at the same time as she directed the conversation away from his name.
"You haven't known what I need in years," he turned away from her. Ben tried to act like he didn't care what she thought of him, but in reality he didn't want to his mother to see him in such a state. He believed that he was just a disappointment to her. He could never be the son that she wanted him to be; he would never be the golden child. He was Kylo Ren and in his mind that's all he'd ever be.
"Whose fault is that?" she couldn't help the words from coming out, no matter how much she didn't want to fight. "I've tried Ben, but you won't answer my calls. Now you're in the hospital, clearly you need help," she continued, concern seeping out of her. "The path you're on will kill you eventually. I want to help you," she frowned, seeing the look on his face; it was a mix of anger, indifference and sadness. "You may not care if you live or die, but I do," she told him softly, causing him to once again look at her. "Now rest, we'll talk about this when you're fully detoxed," she didn't leave any room for argument so he just sighed and closed his eyes.
It took two weeks for her to finally to convince him to go to rehab. It was a private facility that specialized in being discrete, not that it would surprise anyone that Kylo Ren needed to go to rehab. Snoke had tried to tell him that he didn't need it; but for the second time since becoming Kylo Ren he actually listened to his mother, which shocked everyone that knew him.
Leia had hoped that he would leave his band, Star Killer, and Snoke once he was done with rehab, but instead he went back to them. He promised her that he was done with drugs, but it was hard for her to believe. It was even harder for her to believe when his actions as Kylo Ren just began again. The difference was that it looked forced. He looked like he was gaining muscle mass, not the tall, scrawny, angry man that the drugs had made him. She knew when she looked at him that it was an act. Leia saw her son and knew that he wasn't on drugs and it was all just a mask to please his record label and to continue to hide behind the safety of the persona he had created over the years.
The real turning point was when Han had gotten sick. She had continually called him, trying to tell him, but he'd never answer and didn't bother to listen to her voicemails. It wasn't until Han was admitted to the hospital and she called him ten times in one day that he finally answered her. "What do you want?" was his greeting.
"Hello to you too Ben," she scoffed. "I need to talk to you about your father," she told him, sadness evident in her voice. It took everything in her not to cry a little every time she told someone what was going on.
"What about him?" he tried to come off and uncaring, but she knew better. She could hear that little bit of concern in his voice. He was never good at lying or hiding his emotions from her.
"He's in the hospital," she told him. There was a long silence that made her wonder if he'd hung up. "Ben, he doesn't have much longer. It's stage four cancer, they think he has a week, at most," once again he remained silent. Leia looked at her phone to make sure they were still connected, "Ben?"
"What hospital?" he finally asked.
"Alderaan Memorial," she told him, though he knew that would be the answer. His mother's adoptive parents had donated a lot of money to the hospital before their deaths. "Room 311," she added, hoping he'd come see his father.
"I'll be right there," he hung up, all but running out of the studio where his band had been arguing over a new song that Ben was trying to get them to record, but being told was not their style as the band refused to agree to do something different. Ben didn't say anything and didn't look back, despite them yelling at him for his sudden departure. The lead guitarist, Hux, yelled that the conversation wasn't over, but a part of him couldn't help but feel that seeing his father was more important.
He drove like a mad man to the hospital only to sit in his car staring at the building before finally working up enough courage to go in. It had been years since he'd seen his father. They had an even worse relationship than he did with his mother, but Han was still his father. They were both to blame for the lack of contact; neither man was particularly good with words. To make matters worse, Han and Ben didn't have much in common, which only made it harder to form a relationship. Han liked his cars and sports, while Ben had always like writing and music. When he was younger, Ben had tried to please his father by trying to like sports and cars, but it was never his thing. He never enjoyed the time and he knew that he wasn't the son Han had wanted.
His mother loved music and had been part of the industry her entire life. She was music royalty and a star in her own right. She had started her own label after she grew tired of touring and it was one of the top labels, adding insult to injury when her son instead wanted to sign with Snoke and First Order rather than join her at Resistance Records.
When he arrived at his father's room he didn't know what to say. He stood awkwardly, staring at his father. Han looked older and weaker than Ben had ever seen him. "Hi," he finally said, not knowing what else to say.
"Ben?" Han sounded surprised to see the man. "Come sit," he demanded, trying to sound stronger than he was at that point. Han wasn't one to admit weakness, that wasn't going to change, no matter how close he may be to death.
Ben didn't argue. He sat in the chair next to his mother, finding it hard to look at his father in such a condition, instead concentrating on his own hands. There was a long silence between them. "Leia, can I talk to him alone for a moment?" Han finally said, taking great effort to sit up.
She nodded, "I'll be right outside if you need me." Leia got up, looking hesitantly between the men. The last thing she wanted was for the men to fight before Han's death.
"It's fine mom," Ben spoke up, surprising Leia at the use of mom, rather than her name. After she left there was more silence. He took a moment to really look at his father. To look at every wrinkle, every mark of aging. It made him think of all of the lost time that they'd never get back. "You wanted to talk?" he asked, his voice shakier than he'd meant.
"Look Ben," Han started, clearly trying to find the words he wanted to say. "I know we've never had the best relationship and I'm largely to blame for that. I wasn't ready for you and I just hope that you'll think of the good times when I'm gone," he told him weakly. "I know there weren't a lot but we had some."
"Dad," Ben started to argue that he didn't want to have this conversation. The look Han gave him stopped him, causing him to close his mouth.
"Let me finish," Han demanded. "I just want you to know, I've always kept up with what you're doing. I've watched you grow up and, while I don't approve of many of your choices, I understand them. We all get lost sometimes, trust me, I've messed up more times than I can count. But I hope you'll figure it out, that you'll grow up and find someone that makes you happy and eventually even have your own kids. Just know I'm proud of you, or at least of the man I know you can become once you stop with this Kylo Ren bullshit. Just promise me you'll go and find your way. Push through all of the pain that is holding you back and leave it in the past. You don't need to settle for whatever that asshole Snoke is giving you; you can make your mark without him. You're talented kid, you don't need some alter ego to make it in this industry. Can you promise me that?" he asked.
"I won't let you down," Ben promised, trying his hardest not to cry. "I promise," he added. At that point it wasn't a promise he was sure he could keep but he couldn't help but want to try.
"Promise me that you'll watch after your mom. She's strong but I know she misses you. She worries," he added.
Ben just nodded, not trusting his voice at that moment. He had so much he wanted to say, but didn't know how to say it. He cleared this throat before saying, "I'm sorry."
"Me too, kid," Han gave him a small smile. "Don't look at me like that," he told him as Ben looked at him as if he were about to break. "This isn't how I want you to remember me," he told him.
"I know," was all he could manage to say before there was a knock on the door. Ben quickly wiped away the tears that managed to fall, before sitting up straight. Running a hand through his hair, both trying to fix appearance and as one of his nervous gestures.
"You have a visitor," Leia said. Han just nodded, signaling they were done with their father/son talk. She moved aside as Chewie moved his way into the room.
Ben made eye contact with Chewie for a moment before looking away. "I need to go, I'll be back later," he quickly left. Ben couldn't face Chewie in that moment. The man had been like an Uncle to him and he'd treated him like shit for years. It wasn't something he could handle after the conversation with his father.
Leia just smiled when Ben did eventually did return. She was even happier when he told her to go home, that he would stay with Han that night. Even though she was hesitant to leave him, she knew that she did need some actual sleep and was just happy that Ben had offered.
That was how it went for the next week. They would alternate who would stay with Han overnight, but the other would always be back the next morning. Ben had shut off his phone the second day, when Snoke had tried to call him three times and after about twenty text messages. Leia was pleasantly surprised with his actions.
When Han was sleeping on the fifth day Ben spoke up, "I need your help." She could tell by the fact that he wouldn't look at her that it was hard for him to say, so she let him continue. "I'm done being Kylo Ren," he looked at her, as if to gage her reaction, clearly nervous that he might be rejected despite all of his mother's actions indicating otherwise.
Leia smiled, "How can I help?" It was something she had been waiting a long time to hear. It hurt to know that it took Han dying to finally bring her son back to the light, but she would take any opportunity to have him back, no matter the cause.
"I need to get away from Snoke," he bit his lip; as if he were trying to hold something back, something he wasn't telling her. He finally broke, "I promised dad and I plan to keep it. I just need to get out of my contract and," he paused a moment, "find a new label."
She knew what he was asking without him having to say it, "Well then I guess we need to contact our lawyers." After a moment she added, "The Resistance would be happy to have you, if you don't mind working for your mom." He just smiled and nodded, making her smile in return.
Han only lived another week and when he passed Ben was there to comfort Leia. She welcomed the distraction when they started to work with the lawyers to get him out of his contract with First Order and to sign him to Resistance Records. "You're sure this is what you want?" she confirmed before they contacted First Order to finish the process.
When Snoke heard the news he made a slew of threats and tried to cut him down. His main threat was that he'd make sure Ben never worked in the industry. He'd destroy his reputation and make sure no one would work with him. "I think you already ruined my reputation, but I'm going to fix it," he had told the older man. "I don't need you."
When he tried to argue about the contract all Leia told him was, "Ben bought out of his contract. Besides, you signed Star Killer, which you can have. Ben just isn't going to be a part of it anymore. He signed over his rights to their songs, but he's no longer a part of the band. He won't be using the name Kylo Ren, so I suppose you can have that too." She didn't need to go into the long list of details that happened during the fight for Ben to get out of his contract. One thing Ben made sure to do was include that Star Killer was only entitled to the songs that had been recorded, nothing that has been written or presented that they declined to record.
That was the day that Kylo Ren died and Ben Solo began to rise from the ashes to fix the mess he had made. They knew it was going to be a long road for him to fix his reputation and move on from the image that Snoke had made him out to be, but they were ready to fight.