A Snapian Rant
As someday it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list, I've got a little list, of people from the wizard world who could be underground, and who never would be missed, who never would be missed.
Pre-OOP
The dingbat in the tower, with her horoscopes and leaves,
The ghosts of other houses, and the poltergeist named Peeves,
The werewolf who's so poor that all his robes hang down in rags,
And who thinks it's fun to make a boggart look like me in drag,
And the twins by whom all figures of authority are dissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
After each stanza, a chorus of sycophantic Slytherins, relieved not to be mentioned in the song, serenade their fearless leader thus:
You can put them on the list, you can put them on the list, and they'll none of 'em be missed, they'll none of 'em be missed!
The snippy head of Gryffindor, who stole from me the cup,
The vulture-like librarian, who'd make a troll throw up,
The blonde from Beauxbatons who thinks she's every male's dream,
The Durmstrang Quidditch player from Bulgaria's pro team,
Yes, that sour, slouching seeker with the snitch gripped in his fist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed!
The foolish fop with phony grin and prissy, curly hair,
Who spends his royalties on garish, multicolored wear,
The hulking lout whose giant dog almost bit off my limb,
The puny charms professor—well, we all look down on him,
All the kids who hide in bushes just to make out and be kissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
The portrait people who desert their frames to have a chat,
The squib who prowls the halls along with his disgusting cat,
Our precious young celebrity, who transcends every rule,
Whose cloak allows him free rein after hours through the school,
And who managed in the tournament to be a finalist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed!
Miss Know-It-All, with loads of books, whose hand is always raised,
Who shows off every chance she gets, in order to be praised,
Those red-head kids with freckles—gad, we've surely had a lot!
I'm hoping that the daughter is the last of them, the snot.
Then the headmaster, who makes me keep this job of alchemist,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
The teacher of herbology, with dumpy form and face,
The bossy infirmarian, who thinks she owns the place,
The bumblebee in ministry, whose gambling's an addiction,
The obnoxious dame reporter, who writes nothing else but fiction,
The stupid Muggle who on writing junk like this insists,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed!
The moron who keeps losing his pet toad (or is it frog?),
The murderous marauder masquerading as a dog,
The Minister of Magic, who's the bravest man we've found—
As long as one or two of his dementors are around,
And the hist'ry teacher who drones on of goblin terrorists,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
The huge and snooty tête of Beauxbatons we'd ditch with glee,
As well as Durmstrang's head, with his ridiculous goatee,
The paranoid auror who has that creepy eye of blue,
My ex-boss, whom those cowards all keep calling "You-Know-Who,"
And that ratty little wimp that he keeps with him to assist,
I don't think they'd be missed; I'm sure they'd not be missed!
Post-DH:
All house elves, yes those beastly pests, who aren't of much use,
The bum who reeks of stolen goods and alcohol abuse,
The author who in playing God decides who goes, who stays,
Whom I intend to haunt for the remainder of her days,
And the ugly toadlike broad who got the headmaster dismissed,
They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed!
The ditz who wed the werewolf, and's as graceful as a brick,
(If you think MY hair is dreadful, then you haven't seen this chick!)
The dude who sports an earring, that aloof and haughty snob,
The paunchy, pampered walrus, who took over my old job,
It's true that he's a Slytherin, but I could not resist,
I've put them on my list, they all go on the list!