I heard "Ocean Tides" by Hana Pestle for the first time the other day, and I immediately got this idea. So I decided to try my hand at another RLNT ff.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, and I never will. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, the amazing author who wrote the series.

I hear your song, it's whispered to me
Carried on birds' wings
Leaning hard against the wind, it pulls me back again
I've never felt so alone before you came and went

He had endured his fair amount his pain in his life, and this was just more to add on. Just another burden for his heart to bear. It didn't matter if he was hurting. He was meant to hurt. Why else would he have been the last one to survive? The sole Marauder to make it out alive…

He gazed sadly at his surroundings. Grimmauld Place had never looked as grim as it did now. He could almost hear Sirius' laughter, but now it seemed far away. A ghost of the man that he used to know. The incident at the Department of Mysteries seemed so surreal. It felt like it almost didn't happen. That he would wake up and Sirius would still be there. He wouldn't be alone. It was all just a dream.

But even as he tried unsuccessfully to stand from his chair, he knew that he could not be dreaming. The pain felt so real, so raw. It felt worse than it ever had before, and he felt like it would consume him at any moment. He wanted to fight against it, to deny it, but he deserved to feel it. He shouldn't have been the last one to survive. It all felt wrong. He was the least worthy of all the Marauders. A good-for-nothing, dangerous creature that didn't deserve the kindness that his friends had given him. It was because of him that they died. It was his fault that everyone who had gotten close to him was gone now. Sighing, he slumped back into his seat and closed his eyes, letting his body shake with silent sobs.

No, don't cry
Your teary eyes make ocean tides
Soon I'll be there
To make up for our lost time

He sat by her bedside, her hand in his. Absentmindedly, he stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, his eyes unfocused. He tried to hold back the tears, instead drawing shaky breaths. He felt like he was suffocating, like he couldn't breathe. The sorrow had never been so hard to deal with. He wasn't sure if it was because he had lost one of his best friends twice or if it was because the girl lying in front of him was oblivious to the fact that Sirius was dead. It was both, he decided, as he lowered his gaze to the ground.

He had to keep himself together, he told himself. She shouldn't have to wake up with him in tears. If he could just pretend long enough, then he wouldn't have to tell her. He wouldn't have to face the truth and accept the facts. He could go on dreaming and never wake up. Someone else could tell Nymphadora Tonks that her cousin was dead. He didn't want to be the one to break the news to her. Yes, he would pretend. He would put on that fake smile so that she wouldn't have to see him broken like this.

Minutes passed, then hours. He hadn't moved, even when Molly had stopped by to bring him something to eat. He had hardly heard her, and the food lay untouched on a side table. His thoughts were occupied with the girl in front of him and her dead cousin. He knew that he was drowning in his sorrow, but he didn't care. He deserved to drown in the pain. If he had just tried harder to stop Sirius from going after Harry, if he had just talked to Harry before Kreacher had… there were so many things that he could have done differently. But he hadn't, and that made all the difference.

The hand in his grasp squeezed his hand ever so lightly, and his head snapped up, his gaze traveling directly to her eyes. Her head turned to the side, and he watched as her brown hair started to change colors. Finally, she opened her eyes, and met his gaze.

"Remus." Her eyes lingered on him for a moment before she looked past him at her surroundings. She groaned at the realization of where she was. He forced a smile on his face but when her gaze returned to him, she frowned. He knew that she could see right through it but he was thankful when she didn't say anything about it.

"What happened? Did we win?" His smile faltered. Of course, it wouldn't last. She could tell that there was something wrong, and he hoped that she wouldn't ask him any more questions about the Department of Mysteries.

"Yes, we won Nymphadora." She instantly looked relieved, but she opened her mouth to ask yet another question. He held up a hand to silence her, deciding that it would be unwise to keep the truth from her any longer. It would only make it harder for her to deal with if she was told later.

"Sirius was killed. He fell through the veil. It was Bellatrix who did it" His smile fell, and he closed his eyes, not wanting to see her expression. He was suffocating again and he stood up from his chair quickly, making to leave. But her voice stopped him as he turned, soft and filled with sorrow.

"Remus, stay, please." She whispered, and he found himself sitting down again, his eyes cast to the ground. He wanted to hide behind James' invisibility cloak again, disappear, run away from everything... He didn't want her to see him like this, so weak and vulnerable. But she grasped his hand again tightly. "I'm sorry that you have to go through this."

He looked up to see her wipe her tears off her face with a sleeve, and smiled sadly at her. "It's alright. I'll survive. I've gotten used to it"

Yes, he was used to it, but it didn't mean that it hurt any less. He would see them again, one day, he promised himself silently. He would be with all of them again, and everything would go on as it should have. No pain, no worries, just eternal bliss.

"It's all my fault." She whispered, her eyes wide as the memories came back to her. The tears were falling faster now, and her hair had become a mousy brown again. "I was… I was fighting Bellatrix before. If I hadn't let her knock me unconscious, then she wouldn't have had the chance to go after Sirius and then…"

She trailed off, her eyes locked with his once again. There was a note of hysteria in her voice "Remus, I am so, so sorry!"

He was taken aback. How could she blame herself for what happened? If anything, he was the one to blame, and here she was blaming herself. Without his mind registering what he was doing, he leaned closer to her and raised a hand to her face, wiping away her tears.

"You are not to blame for what has happened." He said quietly, but fiercely. "Never ever think, for one moment, that you are to blame for Sirius' death. If anyone should be blamed, it should be Bellatrix."

"But-" She protested, clearly still blaming herself for what happened.

"No. We can't change what has happened. Sirius is gone, and all that we can do is make sure that he did not die in vain." His voice was firm, and her protests died on her lips. He pushed his chair back and stood up, smiling when she wondered where he was going. "I think I've tired you long enough. I'm sure that the Healers want to know that you're awake, and I should get going anyways. Molly probably wants to know if you're awake as well. I'll be back."

"Remus?" She called as he was about to step out the door. He turned around, his hand gripping the doorframe. "You're not alone, Remus. You have me."

He smiled, and left. Maybe he would hurt for a very long time, but at least when he was with her, he could feel somewhat happier. With that thought in mind, he set off to find a Healer.

Don't be crazy, this they tell me
You could not swim that far
Kick off my boots and jump head first into the blue
I'm trying to make my way back to be with you

"Remus, no!" She shouted, her fiery gaze turned on him. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Dumbledore wanted him to go and infiltrate the werewolves, and he was agreeing! What was wrong with him? He didn't have to go, he could say no. It wasn't too late.

"It's alright Dora. I don't mind." He spoke quietly, avoiding her gaze. She wanted to shake him, make him see that he didn't have to do this. It was too dangerous. She didn't want to think about what would happen to him. He could be hurt badly, and she knew that emotionally, he wouldn't be able to bear it either.

"But I do! Don't go, please." There was desperation in her voice as she turned her head to face Dumbledore. "Tell him that he doesn't have to do this!"

The older wizard gazed at her over his glasses, his blue eyes calm. He looked at Remus, and then back to Tonks. "Of course, Remus doesn't have to do this. He can still refuse if he wants. The choice is up to him."

"Remus." She whispered, her heart breaking as she saw the resignation in his eyes. "Please don't go. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Touching." A voice sneered from across the table. Tonks glared at Snape, wanting to wipe that annoying smirk off his face. "Your concern for the werewolf is really quite touching, Nymphadora. Maybe you can fix his wounds when he comes running back to you with his tail between his legs."

"Don't call me Nymphadora!" She shouted, standing up from her chair quickly, her wand pointing at him. "And don't say those things about Remus! He's a much better man than you will ever be!"

"Tonks." Remus murmured, looking up to finally meet her eyes. "Please, sit down."

She stayed still for a moment, registering what he had said. She could tell from the look in his eyes that he would talk to her after the meeting was over. She sank back down into her chair, suddenly conscious of the looks that the other Order members were giving her. Her hair turned a vibrant shade of red, and she was thankful when Dumbledore broke the silence and started to talk again. She found herself only half listening to what he said. The meeting seemed to drag on and on, and she glanced at the clock repeatedly, wanting to talk to Remus. She had to stop him from going, for his sake and hers. She didn't care if she was being selfish. Somehow, she knew that she would die inside if anything would happen to him. It was a suicide mission; the other werewolves would surely hurt him since he had lived amongst wizards for so long. She held back a sigh of relief when everyone pushed back their chairs and left to either go home of go to the kitchen. One by one, each of the Order members filed out of the room, leaving both Remus and her in the room. An awkward silence filled the air, until he finally spoke.

"Thank you for your concern, Nymphadora, but I want to do this." He spoke quietly, walking around the table to stand in front of her. She felt tears blur her vision but she held them back. She would not let him see her cry over him, not now. She didn't want him to see her as weak and vulnerable, like she had been when she had woken up at St. Mungo's.

"Don't call me Nymphadora." She protested half-heartedly and he laughed softly, smiling at her. "You'll get hurt, Remus. They could kill you! You expect me to sit here and watch you go? You're probably the only one I have who understands what it feels like to not have Sirius here. He was my cousin, and my best friend, and I lost him twice. And you… you're one of my best friends. I couldn't bear it if I lost you too."

He looked taken aback, but she continued to hold his gaze. He was more than her best friend, but she couldn't find the words to tell him that. He sighed, the sound unusually loud in the empty room. Suddenly, he leaned forward and pulled her into a light embrace. She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent, finding comfort in his arms. There was so much that he wanted to tell her, so much that he wished he could say, but he couldn't. She was too young, too innocent, and too pure for him. He was tainted, a dark creature, and cursed. He couldn't let himself be a burden to her.

"You won't lose me. I'll return, Nymphadora." He murmured in her ear, before pulling away. He looked down at her and saw the concern and fear for him etched on her face. He wanted to promise her that he would return, but he didn't want to make a promise that he couldn't keep. He wanted to reach for her again and hold her to him, and never let go. But he couldn't, for his sake and hers. He would not drag her down along with him.

"Remus, stay safe, please. And don't call me Nymphadora." She spoke softly, her hair turning a light red to match the color of her cheeks. He fought the urge to smile and nodded, before exiting the room. Tonks stood there, frozen, staring at the space where had had stood only moments ago. Somehow, she knew that injury was inevitable, and that the next time she saw him, it would be under completely different circumstances.

No, don't cry
Your teary eyes make ocean tides
Soon I'll be there
To make up for our lost time

The full moon was waning in the sky, illuminating the green grass swaying slightly in the cool nights' air. A light was on in a small cottage isolated from the others. Tonks sat in a large armchair with her back to the window, facing the fire. She sighed, twirling a piece of mousy brown hair around her finger. Her eyes were distant; not seeing what was in front of her. There was a small frown on her face; she could feel that something was wrong. It wasn't that usual feeling, like she was missing a part of herself. It was different, something that caused her mind to scream danger! in her head. It unsettled her, and she felt very afraid. Not for herself, but for someone else. That person being the one who had captured her heart.

A crack outside her door startled her, and she leapt from her chair, her wand in her hand. She inched towards the door silently, trying not to knock over objects in her path. She had protective enchantments around her house, and she was almost positive that it was an Order member that was outside her door. With the exception of her parents, the Order was the only group of people that she would let apparate inside her property. Still, she couldn't be too sure.

"Declare yourself!" She shouted through the door, trying her hardest to keep her voice from shaking. She hoped that she was right, and that it wasn't a Death Eater outside her house. Wouldn't they have tried to break down the door already?

"I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, the only loyal Marauder left…" A familiar voice spoke hoarsely, and her eyes widened in surprise. She quickly undid the enchantments on her door and wrenched it open, her frantic eyes meeting his calm ones in the faint moonlight. She ushered him in and sat him down by the fire, before redoing the protective enchantments and heading to the kitchen. Within a couple of minutes, she had conjured a cup of hot chocolate and hurried back to where he was sitting. She handed him the cup and he nodded gratefully, before taking a sip from it. Tonks sat next to him, and took in his appearance. There were numerous scratches on his face and she could tell that he was wincing when he leaned back.

"What happened to you?" She spoke, her voice cracking. He gave her a weary smile that only made her even more worried. He had hardly been gone for that long, but he was already injured, and injured badly. She could tell that he had managed to heal some of his wounds, but it didn't ease her mind at all. What were the werewolves doing to him? She was almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Nothing, really." He replied, trying to make it sound convincing. She frowned, knowing that he was trying to hide what really went on from her.

"Remus Lupin, don't lie to me!" Her hair, which had been brown all week, suddenly turned a fiery red. He laughed softly and cautiously, as if it would hurt him. She frowned, trying her best to glare at him but failing miserably.

"It's alright. I'm just not the most welcome werewolf at the moment. Probably because I have been amongst wizards and witches for so long. But I'll be fine, don't worry about me." She felt tears blur her vision, and she took a seat next to him before her legs gave out. She hated feeling this weak, this vulnerable, but when he was around she couldn't help it. Seeing him in pain hurt her more than she thought it would, and she felt like he would think badly of her if he saw her this way. But still, the tears started to fall and she closed her eyes, trying to fight them. She was startled when she felt his arm wrap around her, and that was when she broke.

"It's alright, Dora. Don't waste your tears on me." He spoke softly, but that only made them fall faster. She leaned into him and lightly pressed her face against his shoulder. Why did he think so lowly of himself? Just because he was a werewolf, it didn't mean that he had to place himself below others. He was the kindest and sweetest person that she had ever met, but he didn't seem to think so. Life had been cruel to him, and he had been so cruel to himself. Had he always put himself down like this? She didn't want to know. He sacrificed so much for others, hardly ever thinking about himself, and it made her want to shake him and yell at him to stop being so selfless.

"Don't go back." She whispered, wiping away her tears with the back of her sleeve. "Please, Remus, don't go back. They'll kill you next."

"I have to. I promised Dumbledore that I would, and I owe him a lot. Without him, I wouldn't have been able to go to Hogwarts or make such wonderful friends. I owe my life to him, and if I need to die to accomplish my mission, then I will." He spoke calmly, as if the thought of being killed didn't even bother him at all.

"Don't say that!" She pulled away, fear shining in her eyes. "You…you won't be killed. I can't…I couldn't…If you were killed… Bloody Hell, Remus, I wouldn't be able to bear it if you died because I love you!"

Whatever emotions that he had shown disappeared, and he sat rigidly in the armchair, in shock. His mind's first reaction was to reach for her and kiss her. But he stopped that trail of thought, knowing that he couldn't. It was too dangerous to even try to be in a relationship with her. He was a werewolf, tainted and cursed, and she was a young, innocent auror. He couldn't do that to her.

"You're wrong." He spoke finally, his mouth suddenly becoming dry. "You can't love me. You can't waste your life on something like me."

He avoided her gaze, trying to push away the regret that he was starting to feel. He wanted to take back every word, but he couldn't. His mind and heart were battling with each other, and he didn't know what to do. He loved her; he knew that much by now. It would have been so much easier if she hadn't reciprocated his feelings. But now that he knew, he wanted nothing more than to let her love him.

"I am not wrong, and I would not be wasting my life on someone like you!" She protested, standing up. "You discredit yourself Remus. You are the kindest and most caring person that I have ever met, and you deserve to be happy. And I want to be the one to make you happy."

He stood up quickly, agitated. He paced in front of the fire, a frown on his face. What did she see him? He was nothing but an old, poor werewolf that was trying to help the people who had helped him. There were so many other young men in her life, so why had she singled him out? He stopped and turned to face her. She had silently stood and was now looking at him. He could see the pain in her eyes and it took all his willpower to keep himself from giving in to his feelings.

"I'm too old for you, Tonks. " He finally said, turning his back to her. "I'm thirteen years older than you."

"Age doesn't matter! I love you anyways!" She protested, stepping closer to him. "And don't even try to start telling me that you're poor. I can tell, Remus. I know that that will be your next excuse. And I refuse to accept it. I have enough money to support us both for a lifetime."

"I'm a werewolf, Nymphadora! I would only end up hurting you!" He shouted over his shoulder. She froze, surprised. She had never heard him shout like that. She found herself unconsciously taking a step back and he let out a tired sigh. He turned to face her fully and there was a note of sadness in his voice. "I scare everyone that I love. I'm not meant to be happy, Dora. You need to move on, and I need to go back and focus on my mission."

With that, he turned around and headed to the door. Tonks looked lost, her eyes fixed on the spot where he had stood a moment ago, going over his words in her mind. She turned on her heel and ran to the door, flinging it open. She found his retreating figure, illuminated by the moonlight.

"Remus!" He stopped, and looked over his shoulder, his hands in his pockets. Her eyes met his in the dark and she struggled to find her voice. "I won't stop loving you!"

The sad look in his eyes nearly reduced her to tears and she waited for him to say something, say anything. Instead, the loud sound of a crack filled the silence and there was just green grass where he had stood. She shivered in the cold and wrapped her arms around herself, a pained expression on her face. She sighed softly, before retreating back into her house, and closing the door.

I breathe deep to keep from sinking
In this bed so cold
Creatures from the deep, they haunt me as I sleep
I want you here so you can chase them all away

Somehow, he knew that it was his fault.

Everyone that he had ever cared about was dead, or as good as dead. Everyone who had shown him kindness, everyone who had lifted him from his self-loathing and misery, was dead. If he had just had the foresight to keep a watch on Snape, if he had been able to stop the Death Eaters before they had gotten to the top of the Astronomy tower, then the greatest wizard of all time would not be dead. Remus felt numb to the pain, to everything. He felt like after everything that had happened, this was the last straw, and that the world was going to come crashing down around him.

Now that Dumbledore was dead, what would happen? Remus had blown his cover with the werewolves a few days ago. He hadn't made a difference within the pack, and now it was too late. Most of the werewolves were dreaming of the world that Voldemort had planned, and they were set on joining the dark wizard. He had failed the mission, and this was the price to pay. Dumbledore was dead, Bill Weasley was mauled by Greyback, and Tonks…

No. He would not think about her. But as he tried to focus his thoughts on something else, he found them trailing back to her. Moments before the battle, they had patrolled the school together. He felt guilty at how lifeless she looked, and how emotionless she was. It scared him, and he tried to convince himself that she would get over her feelings for him, but he couldn't. They had seen each other at several Order meetings, and they had argued over the same thing more than once. He refused to let her be held down by him. He wouldn't let her end up dead like everyone else he truly cared about was.

He gazed into the black depths of the lake, wondering what it would be like to let go of everything. He knew that he was thinking like a child, but he felt like if he disappeared, then no one else would get killed because of him. And he would get to see his old friends again, and live the life that he had wanted. He closed his eyes, picturing the faces of his friends. He could leave all the pain and sorrow behind, leave someone else to deal with it all.

"Remus?" He knew that voice, and it instantly made him regret his thoughts. If he died, she would be devastated. He had already hurt her enough, even though it was to protect her. If he were to die, she would be devastated. And somehow, he knew that he couldn't bring himself to end it all anyways. He was close to the edge, but he couldn't take that final step towards nothingness.

"I'm sorry." He turned his head slightly towards her, surprised. Why was she apologizing? He remained silent, waiting for her to continue. "I shouldn't have lost control in front of everyone like that."

"It's not your fault." He murmured, his gaze returning to the black lake. She stepped forward so that she was standing next to him. She turned her head so that she was looking at him. Even though he was avoiding looking at her, she could see the hopelessness in his eyes. He looked lost, and she suddenly felt like she was losing him. To what, she didn't know, but it scared her.

"Remus, tell me what you're thinking." She pleaded, gripping onto his arm. He barely heard her, still gazing into the lake. She shook him lightly, startling him from his thoughts. "You're not going to do anything rash, are you?"

Sadness passed over his face before he shook his head. She wasn't convinced. That look in his eyes, it mirrored her own when he had repeatedly rejected her. She had wanted to let go of all the pain, but she was too scared to do it. She had too much to live for, but what did he have left? His closest friends were all dead or as good as dead. He was a werewolf, and had to undergo excruciating pain every month. He had watched people around him suffer and he had suffered himself. Despite that, he went out of his way to help others, and he was very caring. All he truly had to live for was his best friend's son who didn't seem to need him as much as he needed his godfather and his parents.

"Don't do it." She whispered, burying her face in his shoulder. "Please, don't think about doing that. I need you Remus, and I need you here. With me. I understand if you don't feel the same way, but just stay here for me. Please?"

She felt him hesitantly wrap his arms around her and her body shook with silent sobs. He hated seeing her like this, her hair brown with red eyes from crying. Knowing that he was the cause of this made it even worse. He loved her so much, and it killed him to see her this way. He wanted to protect her, be there for her, and let himself love her. But the risks seemed too high, and if he were to accidentally hurt her… still, he found himself saying the opposite of what he should have said. "I never said that I didn't love you."

"W-what?" She looked up at him, her face flaming. "But you always-"

"I'm trying to protect you." He interrupted, speaking quietly. "You don't understand what I can do to you. I'm a werewolf, Tonks, a dark creature. If I lose control and hurt you, I would die inside. It feels like you're the only one I have left, and I don't want to lose you too."

He swallowed painfully, and closed his eyes. He could picture her lying on the ground, covered in blood. He could see himself regaining consciousness with blood all over him. Her blood. The thought sickened him, and he had to make sure that would never happen.

"You won't lose me!" She protested.

"You can't promise that." His voice broke, and he could feel the tears starting to form. He wiped them away with one hand and looked down at her. "People are dying every day. It would be so easy for me to hurt you, being what I am. I understand that money doesn't matter, though I would like to be able to support a… a family. I know that you don't care about age, and that you're willing to accept me as I am. But I can't be selfish and hurt you, because I love you too much to let that happen."

"Remus, please! I don't care! I want to help you! Stop thinking about me and think about yourself for one moment. What do you want?" She shouted, tears streaming down her face. "I want to be with you. I want to help you, heal your broken heart. Make you whole again. If I have to be there with you while you transform, I will! I'll become an animagus like Sirius. I'll do anything for you!"

"No!" The warmth of his arms was replaced by the cold night's air as he cupped her face in his hands. There was fear in his eyes, so painfully clear that it hurt her to see it. "No. It hurts to transform. It hurts a lot, but it hurts even more when the people that I love have to see me go through that. I don't want you to ever see me like that."

"Then let me in. You don't have to let me be with you when you transform, but at least give this a try. Just let me love you, be with you for every other night of the year. Please?" She spoke softly, gazing into his eyes. She could see the indecision in his eyes. She looked down, dreading what he was going to say.

"I can't-"he started but she interrupted him, saying that he couldn't know until he tried. He remained silent, lost in thought. Was it wrong to want to protect her? Even if it was from himself? He didn't doubt that she was capable enough to survive danger; she was trained by Alastor Moody. But he felt like he had to protect one of the last good things that he had left. She was the only person that could keep him anchored to this world devastated by war. He sighed, and tilted her face towards his, looking into her dark brown eyes.

"I love you, Nymphadora Tonks. Know that." He started, pausing to take a breath. He wanted to say that he couldn't be with her, and that he couldn't face the possibility of hurting her. But he had already hurt her, her mousy brown hair proof of that. He was tired of hurting her and hurting himself too. He could feel his defenses around his heart slowly crumble away, and he smiled gently at her, knowing that only she was capable of doing that to him. "And I'm tired of finding reasons not to be with you."

"Don't call me Nym-"she started but he leaned down and kissed her softly. She froze, pure joy running through her body. She wrapped her arms around him, smiling. They pulled away after a moment to catch their breaths and she looked up at him. There was laughter in his eyes, something that she had come to miss. Closing her eyes, she tried to morph her hair back to its usual pink, and she was pleased to find that it turned back.

'You were saying?"He smirked at her. She frowned in mock anger but he could see the twinkle in her eyes as she slipped her hand into his.

"I was saying that I will always love you, Remus Lupin, and that I will be by your side whether you like it or not." Smiling, Tonks started to walk away from the lake, pulling him along with her. He glanced towards the sky, wondering if he had made the right choice. He was happy here and now, and he would be able to see his old friends another time. Right now, all he needed was his Dora, and that was enough. Returning his gaze to the pink haired woman in front of him, he knew that he had definitely made the right choice. He needed her and she needed him. And nothing, not even death, could ever stop them from loving each other for eternity.

No, don't cry
Your teary eyes make ocean tides
Soon I'll be there
To make up for our lost time

Thanks for reading! Please leave a review(I was a bit disappointed that I only got two for Lost in Paradise). I hope you enjoyed and I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Enjoy the holidays!

BrokenWhispers11