"Hi Mommy!" my angel squealed as he ran into my arms, throwing his backpack to the side of the room and climbing into my lap, skilled at maneuvering around the wires to get to me. "The music teacher came in today and said that we can take either chorus or band next year! I want to take chorus!"
"Sounds fun! How was school otherwise?"
"Fine." His blue eyes flashed down.
"What happened honey?"
He shrugged and his mouth twisted to the side. "Some kids called me something, I don't remember the word, but the teacher heard and made them read from a dictionary about what the word was."
I frowned. "What was the definition they had to read?"
"Something about a bunch of sticks together."
I sighed. They must have called him the f-word. It made my blood boil that they would dare call my son or anyone that term, especially from young children who had only heard it from their parents. Burt and I had suspicions concerning our son's sexuality, but at such a tender age, what could really be said about sexuality? At this point, all kids are just children! Even if Kurt did turn out to be attracted to men, Burt and I had already discussed that it would be a shock, but we wouldn't treat Kurt any other way if he was.
However, if I ever get to see Kurt transition out of childhood would be a miracle.
"Well don't ever let words hurt you, Kurt. You understand? You know who you are and never let anyone tell you what to do. Got it?"
"Yes Momma. Does that mean when I grow up, I have any job that I want?"
"Of course sweetheart."
"Good. I think I want to be a teacher, so that all the kids will look at me and pay attention."
I ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead. "Okay, sounds good. What do you want to teach?"
Kurt sat back and tilted his head, his pupils falling to the side. "I think 5th grade so I can be in charge of the kids in my class."
I laughed internally at my 8 year old's distorted perception of time. How wonderful to be his age while I was super aware of every passing second, every minute, every one of the few hours left to my life.
"Will you come see me when I start being a teacher, Mom? You can come in and sit in the back of the room like you did that one time when I was in the 1st grade and you helped out at the Halloween party. It could be just like that, but I'll be the teacher!"
His eyes sparkled in delight.
I cupped his cheek. "I'll try sweetheart. I'll really try."
He nodded his head quickly, apparently satisfied with my answer. He took my hand and started playing with my fingers. "Mom, I know you're sick and you're not going to get better, but what is going to happen when..." He trailed off, not sad, but unsure of what word to use. "Aunt Mildred said that you might be going to heaven soon and you'll be an angel." His lower lips trembled. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do without you here, Momma."
Choking back tears, I knew he was listening close to what I was going to answer so I knew I'd have to choose my words carefully. Then, the right phrase came to mind.
I took his little chin between my fingers and tilted it up to make sure he was looking at me, his sea green eyes the exact color of my own despite their father's shape. "I'm never going to say goodbye to you."
"What do you mean, Momma?"
I spread my legs farther apart so Kurt's bottom fit perfectly within the space I created. "It means that even if I'm ever not with you, I'm still always going to be in your heart no matter if you want me there or not. You're stuck with me kiddo, forever and always."
I playfully punched Kurt's shoulder and he giggled, then his face turned darker again. I knew he wanted more, then I was struck with an idea.
I took his hand and pressed my lips to the back of his palm.
"There's one kiss." I kissed it again in the same spot. "Two." Kiss. "Three." Kiss. "Four."
I kissed the spot the back of his hand for a total of 20 times, then looked at my little boy. "Those are 20 kisses. These kisses will always be with you, even after you wash your hands or play in the pool or scrape them on the sidewalk. Whenever you need an extra boost of courage, I want you to press a kiss onto your cheek and remember that I'm with you every step of the way. Okay my darling?"
Kurt's eyes widened and he looked at his hand with a new found wonder, then pressed it to his cheek.
"Not now silly!" I laughed. "They're special kisses for when I can't give you any more, okay?"
"Yes Mommy. I get it now...can I have 10 more? Just in case?"
"I'll give you 11 so that you'll have 30." And I did.
My breath hitched unexpectedly and my heart hammered in fear. "I love you," I said again, trying to hide the desperation that had suddenly crept into my words.
"I know Mom!" he responded with a big gleaming smile that made my heart melt and I prayed for the milliseconds to slow down for that one instant just so I could revel in the beautiful smile of my baby. My heart slowed down and though breathing had become a bit harder, the initial shock had worn off.
Kurt suddenly crawled up me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, burying his head into my neck and breathing in deeply. He moved his head up and blinked his eyes against my throat, making me giggle from his butterfly kisses. I held him tighter and he returned the pressure.
Holding him close, I knew that I we didn't have much time left. When we first learned about my illness, we were told that I'd only probably live to see Kurt turn 25.
Then a few months later, I became much worse and the new goal was the see his high school graduation.
Now it was highly doubtful that I'd see him graduate from grade school.
So young. I wanted to know what he would look like in the future. Would his nose get longer like mine? Would his hair loose the red highlights that showed up in the summer? Would his freckles fade away? There was so much that I'd never be able to see happen to my son, and so much that I'll never be able to teach him, advice I'll never be able to give him. I tried to write down as much advice as I could for him in a journal, but it would never be good enough.
Kurt pulled back and yawned in my face, some bottom teeth missing which had prompted his cousin to dub him "Hippo." I kissed Kurt's nose, his eye lids drooping.
"Do you have homework sweetheart?"
"No Momma."
I pet his hair. "Are you tired?"
He bit his lip. "Noo. I want to stay up with you."
"It's okay. I want you to rest. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Anything else that happened in your life?"
Kurt tilted his head again and his face brightened a bit. "Nope! That was it!"
We joked around for a bit more before he yawned and turned away from me, reclining on my body. He rest his head against my breasts, in the same place that I had held him when he was first born. Images of seeing Kurt for the first time (at 6.5lbs and 19 inches) and holding him in this very position floated in my head as I started to loose consciousness suddenly.
"Sing to me Mommy? The one about the hands?"
I grabbed hold of Kurt's hand and stroked it gently with my thumb.
"Of course my darling."
My voice was no where near the skill I once had before I was sick, but I sang as best as I could with the little strength that I still had which seemed to be draining from my body every passing second.
Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Oh please, say to me
You'll always be my little man
I squeezed Kurt's hand at this and he rolled his head up to look at me, that goofy, freckled grin blazing up at me.
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
I'll let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Kurt shifted on me and held my gaze, picking up from where I left off in his high voice.
And when I'm with my Mommy I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Tears threatening to spill over, I took back the song again when he nodded towards me.
Yeah Kurt, you've got that something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Kurt was obviously falling asleep, his head lolling gently. I whispered the last few lines to him, playing with the words.
Yeah, you've got that something
I know you'll understand
When I'll feel that something
I love to hold your hand
I love to hold your hand
I love to hold your hand
You'll always be my man.
An urgency settled in my gut and my heart sped faster. I broke out into a sweat and pet my son's hair with a shaky hand as he gradually fell asleep. I wanted him to fall asleep, I didn't want him to witness the horror of the end, even if peaceful.
"I love you, Kurt. I love you baby. I love you so much more than you'll ever know. I love you, Kurt," I chanted.
"I know how much you love me Mommy," he mumbled. I stiffened, thinking that he had already fallen asleep. "And I love you even more." After a second or so, a soft snore emitted from his sleeping form and I allowed my heart to fill with love for my son.
Keep your eyes open.
There is time.
There's plenty of time.
I spoke these words to myself, counting my breaths.
There's so much more time.
Keep your eyes open.
It's not over.
It can't be.
Keep your eyes open.
Not yet.
There's plenty of time.
I thought about the first time Burt told me he loved me.
I thought about the first time I kissed my son.
"Momma?" Kurt stirred awake and rubbed his eye, taking his hand from his mother's grip. He yawned and laid in his mother's embrace for a few more moments until he realized that something was wrong. He wasn't sure what it was at first, but then he realized the beeping noise on the machine had turned off, but that happened sometimes when Mommy wanted to sleep. No something else was wrong.
From where he laid on his mother, her chest wasn't moving under his head. And she wasn't breathing.
Everything suddenly seemed very quiet.
He spun around and curled in on himself, then reached one hand out to shake his mother's forearm.
"Mommy?" he whispered. "Mommy?" Kurt waited a few seconds then placed his hand on his mother's cheek.
She did not stir, or being breathing again. Kurt held his knees and stared at his mother, not wanting to move from her lap yet. "Momma. It's time to wake up. Okay? Mom...Hey Mommy, I just remembered I got an A on my spelling quiz! The one you helped me study for on Monday when you were still in the hospital."
Kurt was very aware of his own breathing and the lack of movement from his mom. Tears started to well up. "Mom. Please. Please wake up. Mom?" Kurt slapped his mom's thigh, a gesture that he usually got yelled at for, but she was still motionless.
Something akin to panic rose inside the child and suddenly he was screaming "MOMMY! Mom!"
"Kurt? What's-" Burt burst into the room, looked at Kurt who was flushed red in fear and shaking. Burt's eyes flashed to the monitor and he shook his head side to side and bit his bottom lip. He covered his face with his hand, look a deep and broken breath, then said to his son, "Kurt. Baby, go over to the neighbor's house. I'll watch you from the window. Take your pajamas and a few toys."
"But I want to stay with Mom-"
"Kurt! Just do as I say!"
Kurt jumped at the sudden anger in his father's tone. Burt took another breath, then added calmly, "Please."
Kurt hurried off his mother, then doubled back and kissed her cold cheek. "Sleep tight Momma. I'll see you later." Kurt paused, unsure if he should say goodbye, but then thought better of it and climbed back off the bed, still careful of all the wires connecting his mother to the now dormant machines.
Burt squeezed his son's shoulder before he young boy left the room.
As Kurt grabbed his pajamas and Power Ranger toys, he was happy that he had not said goodbye to his mom a few seconds ago, because this was not goodbye. He pressed the back of his hand to his cheek and he imagined her as radiant as ever. His Mommy's love was still in his heart and he felt it there, so she wasn't really gone and she never would be.
Besides, he still had 29 kisses left on his hand.
I teared up while writing this. Why I even wrote it, I don't know.
Review please! Even if this is the year 3012, I still want your reviews!