Welcome! This is a fanfiction I wrote for my lovely friend Maria, about her 'brother' Sheldon, since they share the same last name and he is her favourite character (well, let's face it, almost everyone's favourite character)! I appreciate it's not the most original of stories, there are scenes that are familiar that have been altered into this scenario; this is simply a bit of creative fun for Maria that I thought I'd share with the internet! So enjoy, I'd love to know what you think!
DISCLAIMER: The Gaga Law was not thought up by myself. I am a big fan of Unfriendable and Facebook and this is one of my favourite posts that I spotted, and I thought it would make a great idea for a fanfiction. If you don't know those websights, you should totally check them out, they will waste many hours of your life...
The Gaga Law
(RAH)² (AH)³ + RO (MA + MAMA) + (GA)² + OOH(LA)² = Bad Romance
The Love Algorithm
Leonard Hofstadter rubbed his forehead and blinked several times as the equations danced and swam across his bright computer screen, the brighter of two light sources in the main living space, the other being the bland desk lamp covered in fading, peeling batman stickers. Creating a third, he lit up the dial of his watch and sighed softly as he read the time. Three am. He could do with getting some sleep before having to face these unequal equations for another long day.
Absently, he noted a shift in the light and shadow distribution in the area around him, and then jumped as a pointed pale face loomed into view next to him silently.
"Leonard, as per our roommate agreement, this is me giving you 24 hours notice of a female guest who will be spending three nights here."
"Jeez Sheldon you almost gave me a heart attack!" Leonard cried out, having slipped down in his chair and choked on his own spit at the sight of his roommate.
"Almost. Honestly Leonard, you should see someone about your hypochondria." Sheldon assured him in his usual, superior tone. Leonard stared at him for a moment, wondering if he was serious, before remembering that it was Sheldon and simply rubbing his eyes.
"What do you want?"
"I'm informing you of a house guest arriving to spend three nights with us." He repeated. "You should get your hearing checked while you're there." He added, frowning.
"Why did you have to tell me now?" Leonard asked, exasperated.
Sheldon looked at him, partially confused. "You were awake." He said, as though it were obvious. Leonard huffed, only increasing Sheldon's confusion. "Did I cross some sort of line?" He asked, and Leonard growled, shutting off his computer and his lamp and heading out to the corridor and slamming his bedroom door shut moments later.
Three knocks. Leonard screwed up his face, hoping he was wrong. "Leonard." Damn. Three knocks. "Leonard." And three more knocks. "Leonard."
"What?" He yelled out, and light spilt into the room as Sheldon opened the door and came in, holding a piece of paper. "Go away Sheldon, it's five am!" He said, slumping back onto the pillows as Sheldon closed the door behind him and moved to his allotted spot, leaning against the dresser on Leonard's side of the bed.
"I forgot to give you this. Also you never answered my question earlier." He said, handing Leonard a piece of paper, headed "Written notice of a house guest, female, for three days, 24 hours in advance". Leonard threw it in no particular direction and pulled the covers over his head before replying in a muffled voice.
"What question?"
"Did I cross some sort of line?" Sheldon asked. "Really Leonard, your memory isn't what it should be. I think you might be aging."
"Go away Sheldon."
"But what about my question?"
"Sheldon!"
"Alrighty I'll come back later." He said in a soft voice, hurrying away before Leonard reached mug-throwing stage like last time.
At lunch in the cafeteria, Sheldon broached the subject once more. He wouldn't admit it, but he felt slightly safer in a room full of witnesses, when Leonard didn't have heavy, potential projectiles near him.
"Leonard, you never answered my question last night." Sheldon said in a quiet voice, glancing sideways at Howard and Raj, trying to remind Leonard of the witnesses around them. They glanced back, confused as usual. Leonard glanced up, the word 'what?' written all over his face. Sheldon reminded him. "Did I cross some sort of line?"
Howard's eyebrows shot up and Raj stared at him.
"What happened last night?" Raj asked slowly, and Leonard put his fork down and gave him a look.
"Sheldon crept up on me in the dark last night when I was trying to work." He said. "Yes." He added to Sheldon.
"Oh." Sheldon commented, and shrugged, continuing with his food.
"Anyway, who is this house guest you're having tomorrow?" Leonard asked conversationally, and Sheldon looked up in surprise.
"Maybe there's hope for your memory after all." He commented thoughtfully. "Well, my younger sister Maria is here on business for a few days; she's translating for a group of diplomats on a tour of Hollywood before attending an eight hour conference the next day." He said, and Howard sidled over.
"Your sister eh?" He asked, and glanced at Leonard.
"You're not gonna do the same thing you did with Missy are you?" He asked gingerly, and Sheldon paused for a moment, made a wincing face and a cringing movement that brought his knees to the underside of the table and his feet off the floor before shaking his head.
"No thank you." He said tartly, and then gave them all a look. "And you're not allowed to do the same thing you did with Missy either." He added childishly, and they all groaned and slouched. "Anyway, you're all too short. My sister has an obsessive disorder concerning height and eye colour that none of you fit." He said, picking through his food reluctantly. "This salad is a disaster." He said finally, giving up and leaving to throw it away. Howard nearly threw himself across the table in Sheldon's absence.
"Leonard, have you met Maria?" He asked keenly. Leonard shook his head.
"No, I've only met Sheldon's Mom and twin sister, same as you guys." He said with a shrug, and Howard's eyebrows perked up.
"So she's fair game then?" He said, and Leonard rolled his eyes.
"You're not hunting her Howard."
"Yeah, and anyway you heard what Sheldon said."
"You're not telling me that the first time you're actually gonna listen to Sheldon is when he talks about women?" Howard said in disbelief, and Raj snorted.
"OK, when you put it like that..."
When Leonard heard three knocks at the front door, he assumed Sheldon had forgotten his key for once in his life, but then he did a double take as Sheldon came out from his bedroom into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
"Aren't you gonna get that?" He asked as Leonard stared at him in confusion. A female voice outside the door said "Sheldon" and then knocked three more times again. "Sheldon." And three more knocks made Sheldon's brow crease momentarily in confusion before he sighed and the expression was replaced with indignation as he crossed the apartment, Leonard getting up to walk partially behind him to see who it was as Sheldon opened the door.
Stood there was a woman dressed in a red blouse, the sleeves of which lifted in a slight breeze created by the opening of the front door, and at the front the material tied in a loose bow. Her slimline black jeans were tucked into expensive looking black boots that reached her knees, and she had her weight on one hip, a large suitcase standing next to her. Leonard stared. She didn't look a moment out of breath and yet the suitcase stood at hip height to her and they were on the third floor.
"You're early." Sheldon stated, and she raised an eyebrow.
"Good to see you too Sheldon." She said, and wrapped her arms round his waist and hugged him. Sheldon didn't move from his position and simply huffed and rolled his eyes.
"Maria, must we go through this every time we see each other?" He asked tiredly as she let go, and she grinned, walking past him.
"If you saw me more then maybe I'd stop. Shelly you'll get my case for me would you? My arms are so tired from luggin' it up those stairs of yours!" She said sweetly, and turned away from him, holding her hand out to Leonard. "Hey there, I'm Maria, Sheldon's sister." She said, and Leonard shook her hand, looking up to her as, like all the Coopers, she was tall, or at least, taller than him.
"I'm Leonard, Sheldon's roommate."
"Pleased to meet you." She said, and looked round as Sheldon heaved her case in with a face contorted in pain with the effort of moving the case. He dropped it inside and shut the door before turning on his sister.
"What on earth was so heavy that you felt you had to bring?" He asked indignantly, face flushed. Maria shrugged lightly.
"I had to bring all my work books now didn't I Shelly!" She said calmly. "There's a fascinating new one about the science of translation." She said, dragging the 's' word out and smiling as Sheldon's eye started twitching.
"If you intend on misusing that word the whole time you're here you can sleep out in the hall." He said firmly, and she laughed.
"I'm sorry Sheldon it's just too easy! I'll let you read the books and then you can tell me why they're all wrong if you like?" She said, hearing Leonard snort with laughter behind her, and Sheldon scowled, relifting the heavy case and walking quickly with it, taking a break at the small step to the back of the apartment before heaving it up.
"Um, Sheldon, you do realise-" Leonard began, lifting his hand up to point but Maria pushed it down and shook her head.
"No no no, shh." Maria hissed at him, giggling. Sheldon glanced back, narrowed his eyes at them and continued to lug her case back into his room, the wheels of the suitcase spinning joyfully in the air.
"That was mean." Leonard said, grinning broadly, and Maria shrugged, sitting down in the middle of the sofa.
"Ah well. So Leonard do you work at the university with Sheldon?" She asked, tucking a strand of honey blonde hair behind her ear.
"Yeah I do actually, I'm in Experimental Physics. Sheldon said you're here as a translator?"
"Yeah, there's a whole bunch of boring state papers that need translating." She said without much enthusiasm. "More importantly though, there's a translating agency here that's supposed to be pretty good. I'm gonna see if I can get my name on their books. See I'm a Consulting Translator, I pick and choose my pieces."
"That sounds really cool. Do you translate into English, I might have read something of yours?" He asked, as Sheldon came back in, wheezing.
"Not normally, although I've done TV subtitling before." She said, looking at her brother and waiting for him to speak. He opened his mouth with just that intent once or twice but only soft huffs of air came out. Finally, when his face was a more regular colour, he managed to say "Would you like a hot beverage?"
"Coffee please Shelly." She said sweetly, and he nodded, turning to Leonard.
"Leonard, Maria would like a cup of coffee. And I would like an 'erbal tea." He said, and settled in his 'spot'. Leonard huffed in annoyance and got up, Maria looking at her brother with raised eyebrows.
"Really Sheldon? You can't spare a moment outta your day to make a girl a coffee?" She asked, and Sheldon glared at her, getting up pointedly and walking over, pushing Leonard out of the way and continuing with the tea and coffee preparations. Impressed, Leonard came back to sit down.
"How did you manage that?" He asked, and Maria tapped the side of her nose.
"Trade secrets. I'm saving them up until Sheldon's met enough people, and then I'm gonna write a book on how to work him and make millions." She said with a broad grin and Leonard laughed.
"I can think of a lot of people that would buy that."
"Technically, a book on how to work someone would be a manual. If you're going to insult me at least use the correct vernacular." Sheldon called back from the kitchen as Leonard and Maria giggled like schoolchildren at the back of the class.
The following evening, when Leonard and Sheldon arrived back from work, they found their coffee table covered in paper. Maria herself was stood behind the sofa on the phone, hand on her hip, and blonde hair much bigger than when they had last seen her. The increase in volume was explained when she ran her fingers through her hair several times in quick succession and it stood up a little higher.
"Si, si, si, ho capito, ma non è cosi semplice." She insisted, her hand coming off her hip and waving about in the air emphatically. She glanced round and saw them stood there, grocery bags in their hands, and she nodded, moving back round to scoop up all the papers and put them out of the way on the floor.
"Certo. La prossima mercoledì, va bene va bene. Si grazie. Arrivederci." She finished and hung up the phone. "Italians. No concept of schedule." She complained, and picked up her papers from the floor.
"Maria, it's Thursday. Thursday is pizza night." He stated, and she looked at him.
"So..."
"So we're having pizza. Do you want some?" He asked, the offer distorted by the severe look on his face that indicated there was a right and wrong answer to this question.
"Erm...yes?"
"Are you asking me or telling me?" He asked, and Leonard got a strange feeling of déjà vu.
"Telling you." She said finally, and he nodded.
"Very well. That should do. Leonard can you make the order?" He asked, moving into the kitchen to unpack the groceries.
"How was your day?" Maria asked no one in particular, sitting on the sofa and sorting through the papers, each annotated and highlighted differently and covered with arrows.
"It was a usual Thursday." Sheldon said with satisfaction. "I hope it shall continue so." He said, eyeing her carefully, and she laughed and went back to her work. "I am obliged to ask; how was your day Maria?"
Smiling to herself, she responded. "I met with the Statesman and the Sheriff and collected the papers, and then spent several hours at the library before taking notes for an interview to write up a report on with the two native speaking note takers into a single report for both sides." She reeled off, then looked up. "A usual Thursday." She added, grinning at her repetition, but Sheldon frowned.
"Unless you do that every Thursday, which I find unlikely, then on the contrary it is an unusual Thursday." He said curiously, staring at his sister as she rolled her eyes and picked a book up off the floor, flicking through it to a bookmark and a page which was covered in pencil markings.
"Raj and Howard will be here soon Maria." Sheldon added.
"Friends of yours?" She asked, writing something down as she spoke. Sheldon's face contorted for a moment.
"Colleagues." He corrected her, and she laughed.
"Right, ok. Well that's fine." She said with a shrug, and Sheldon nodded.
"Howard only has a Masters as well so there will be someone on your level. Oh, and Penny. She's a college drop-out so you'll find she lowers the tone considerably anyway." He said, waving his hand casually as Leonard returned.
"Pizza's on it's way, I'll go get Penny." He said, and continued through the apartment and out the door, and Maria gathered her things up and put them out of the way, ignoring the glare her brother gave her.
"That better not stay there. I won't have clutter Maria." He said severely, and she rolled her eyes, an action she did considerably more when he was around.
"You won't even know it's there Sheldon." She said in an exasperated voice, and he snorted.
"You wish, it haunts me even now." He said, sitting down in his spot and closing his eyes with a relaxed look on his face.
At that moment the door opened again and Leonard and Penny came back in and Sheldon's peace was disrupted by light laughter, and he grimaced, an expression worthy of a master criminal or at least a Disney villain.
"Oh, hey, I'm Penny." She said, introducing herself when she noticed Sheldon's sister.
"Maria, Sheldon's sister."
"Oh, right, yes, Missy told me about you when she was visiting." Penny said, sitting down in the armchair. "It's so cool to meet another member of Sheldon's family." She commented, smiling at Leonard as he passed her a bottle of water.
"You want one Maria?"
"Oh yeah, thanks." She said, accepting the bottle he offered and opening it.
"So Missy said you're a Translator?" Penny asked, and Maria nodded, smiling awkwardly whilst drinking from the bottle. "What languages do you speak?"
"French, Italian and German." Maria reeled off with practice, and Penny's eyes widened.
"Wow, that's so cool! I only ever learnt like, a word of French and a word of Spanish." She said, waving her hand dismissively and Sheldon smirked.
"Of course you did." He said and Penny glared at him.
"So do you get to travel much?" Penny asked, her expression relaxing into a friendly smile again.
"Yeah quite a lot, but I like to stay in the country near to my family. Couldn't bear to be apart from my big brother Shelly could I?" She said, snuggling up to Sheldon who looked halfway between appalled and alarmed.
"Buongiorno nerd-migos, your messiah is here." Howard announced his presence with a ménage of cultures and Raj followed behind him, looking like a piece of him died inside when he saw the women in the room.
"I don't believe we've been introduced." He said, sitting on the arm of the sofa and leaning over to Maria. "Howard Joel Wollowitz, NASA engineer." He drawled, holding his hand out to Maria, palm up.
"Maria Elsie Cooper, State Translator and Sheldon's sister." She said, shaking his hand and making it difficult for Howard to try and kiss it, so he gave up. Sliding into the seat next to her and bouncing a little too perkily to be manly, Howard made himself comfortable.
"So you speak languages? You know I speak 6 languages?"
"Klingon doesn't count." Penny called over dryly as Leonard shook his head, and Sheldon looked crestfallen yet indignant.
"Erm, excuse me, but Klingon has all the linguistic features used to define a language, whilst based on a fictional culture it is, technically speaking, a language." He said, and Maria snorted derisively. "Excuse me?" Sheldon said, and the room watched Maria with anticipation.
"You're wrong." Maria's voice rang out clearly like a bell.
"I'm wrong?" Sheldon's eyebrows were so severely arched he looked like a Vulcan.
"Yes." Maria said concisely.
"May I ask why?" He asked incredulously, and Maria nodded.
"You may." She stated, watching him mockingly and playing the same 'may I – you may' game he played self-satisfiedly with everyone.
"Why?" He asked, his head twitching irritably at her.
"You cannot simply state that there is a technical definition of a language. There are no set parameters for defining what is a language and what is simply a dialect, which is usually considered a slightly different version of an existing language. A language can become a dialect and vice versa, the more important title of 'language' is generally afforded to the mode of communication that has the most economical power or political or religious importance. For example, the standard concept of 'Italian' that is taught across the world and considered the national language is in fact built upon Tuscan, being the language in which the widely successful book the Divine Comedy was written by Dante Alighieri, leading for him to be known as the 'Father of the Italian Language'." She paused for breath. "Would you like a second example?"
Sheldon glared at his sister in the silence that followed. The phone rang, and no one moved. Looking her brother evenly in the eye, Maria said "Sheldon, aren't you going to answer that?"
Giving his sister a monkey-like scowl, Sheldon answered the phone, and after a brief, irritable conversation, hung up.
"Pizza's almost here. Leonard you have to go downstairs and get it."
Leonard sighed grandly and got up.
"Wow Maria, you made language sound like science!" Penny said as he left the apartment, and Sheldon twitched violently.
"Language is not a science!"
When Sheldon had calmed down and Leonard had returned with their pizza, conversation calmed down into small groups.
"So Raj, have you done any experiments concerning your inability to speak to women?" Maria asked curiously, and he shook his head after a small pause.
"What do you mean?" Howard asked, and she turned slightly in her seat.
"Well, is it anyone with an X chromosome or is it limited to a certain age range or physical appearance? Can you speak to men in drag, and if so, does it matter how convincing they are?" She asked, and Howard looked at Raj in amazement.
"That's such a great idea!" He said as Raj shook his head violently.
"What's a great idea?" Leonard asked, drawing Sheldon and Penny's attention to their conversation as well.
"Testing the limits on Raj's fear of women to define when he can and can't talk to women. It might be a way of zeroing in on your problem." Howard said, turning to Raj as he spoke. Raj whispered something into Howard's ear and he sighed. "Just because it's a social science doesn't mean you can't do it." He said condescendingly. "It'll be fun."
"It's also cheaper than a psychiatrist." Maria pointed out with a grin.
"Well, my mom's a shrink, she could probably cut you a deal if you agreed to bring your husband." Leonard said, sniggering, and Penny and Sheldon both laughed into their food as well.
"Did I miss something?" Maria asked as she looked from one side of the room to the other.
"Leonard's mother is a remarkable neuro-scientist and behavioural psychologist who has on her visits implied that Howard and Raj share a pathological fear of women reflected in the form of Raj's inability to speak to women and Howard still living with his mother, and they have therefore created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy their need for intimacy." Sheldon reeled off with a self-satisfied smirk, finishing a moment's pause later with one of his yelping laughs. Maria tried not to smile at her brother's glee and instead nodded like she did when she understood the conversations of nearby foreign tourists who thought no one knew what they were saying.
"I see." She said nodding and eyeing the uncomfortable expressions on Raj and Howard's faces. "You know there's an easy way to work it out."
"Work what out?" Howard asked, his voice far less cocky than it had once been, trimmed with nervous curiosity.
"The Love Algorithm." She said with a shrug and a small smile that belied any attempt at being casual.
"The Love Algorithm?" Sheldon repeated, and she nodded confidently.
"Of course. Here, give me one of your boards." She said, putting down her plate of pizza and standing up, brushing off her hands and looking at them all expectantly. After a pause Leonard got up.
"Here, use one of mine." He said, bringing her one over and setting it up like an easel, finding her a pen.
"Let me see if I can remember it right." She said, looking like she was thinking really hard, then she started writing, referring back to what she wrote every so often while the rest of them watched in confusion, Penny looking slightly bored, assuming she wouldn't really get it anyway. Maria stood back when she had finished and let them see what she had written on the board.
(RAH)² (AH)³ + RO (MA + MAMA) + (GA)² + OOH(LA)² = Bad Romance
Penny read it through several times and then snorted with laughter, but when she caught Maria's eye she realised there was a bigger game afoot and bit her lips in an attempt to control her humour when Sheldon looked at her with a frown.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing, it looked like a dirty word." She covered easily with a cutesy smile, and Sheldon tutted and looked back. Howard was moving his lips as he read it, trying to work it out.
"What do the letters stand for?" Sheldon demanded, and Maria froze for a second.
"Easy. 'Rank And Height squared, times Average Heritage tripled plus Rationale Objective, open brackets Masculine Aroma plus Male Attributes Mixed Ability close brackets plus Gamble All squared plus Only Orphans Hypothesis brackets Listens Aptly closed brackets squared equals a bad romance'." She reeled off, biting her bottom lip and not glancing in Penny's direction, spotting the girl crying with silent laughter.
"And what do you get?" She said, throwing her hands in the air and looking at her brother. "Expand out the brackets." She said, and he scowled.
"I know that, it's easy, rah rah ah ah ah ro ma ro ma ma ga ga ooh la la equals a bad romance." He said easily and Penny snorted very loudly and ungracefully and turned all heads but Sheldon's confused one her way. To Penny's amazement and disappointment Leonard, Howard and Raj all looked equally as dumbstruck.
"Well done." Maria said, sitting back down. "Try using that next time." She said, and her brother looked at her with a lost, childish look plastered all over his face and she felt compelled to explain the joke and reassure him, then remembered the last time she'd tried. It hadn't worked, and she'd been plagued by phone calls for days later, despite being in a different time zone, at work, or on a plane.
That evening, as Penny was leaving, she took Maria aside.
"So, are you actually gonna tell Sheldon about the 'Love Algorithm'?" She asked, and Maria glanced over her shoulder at her brother, who was stood in front of the board, arms folded across his body with his thumb against his bottom lip, brow furrowed and he was muttering to himself.
"I guess I ought to." Maria said, smiling, and Penny giggled.
"You know the last time he was this stuck, Leonard had to go and get him out of one of those ball pits at a play ground?"
"Oh God, yeah, I remember Missy told me! Oh dear, I better tell him or Leonard will end up paying for it." Maria said, looking back at Penny. "Still, I'll let Sheldon get himself a bit more confused for a while, I'm here two more days anyway."
Penny gave her a thumbs up. "Gotcha." She said, and looked round. "Bye guys!"
Maria soon regretted her prank when Sheldon's 'crazy' kicked in at about four in the morning as he knocked on the headboard above her head, muttering 'Maria' three times as per usual. Maria shrieked, reflexively pulling her duvet up to her chin and cringing away. After her initial panic had dispersed as her brother's familiar face swam into view, she sat up, glaring at him.
"Sheldon! What the hell?" She yelled at him, and he looked at her with confusion.
"The door was open. Have I crossed some sort of line?" He asked, and she nodded firmly.
"Yes!" She said in a scandalised voice, husky from sleep.
"Oh. Sorry, enjoy your sleep." He said, turning around and leaving. Exhaling with annoyance, Maria snuggled back down to try and return to a fantastic dream she'd been having about a stranger with pale skin and dark hair. She growled as the door opened again with a faint creak and Sheldon appeared.
"But since you're awake..."
"What Sheldon?" Maria cried out in frustration, furiously asking herself why she'd even thought about visiting her brother, let alone staying with him.
"Your love algorithm. It's startlingly precise, I mean, how is one to know Rank and Heritage and once one does, how does the rank, for example, of Captain factor into a mathematical equation?" He asked in his factual voice. Instead of answering, Maria responded with another question.
"Have you slept?"
"No."
"Try it." She said firmly, lying down with her back to him, which Sheldon found rather inconsiderate as he had to walk all the way around the bed to be able to face her again.
"Not until you answer my question." He said, and pulled a white board out from under his bed and propped it up in her face, looking ready to give a lecture. "If we take Leonard and Penny for example, and put in the numbers, then how do we do so?"
Maria sat up, realising that she was going to get no peace until she invented and bluffed her way through this ridiculous conversation.
"Because Leonard has no rank." He started, shaking his head to emphasise.
"Then it's 0." Maria said with an irritable shrug, and Sheldon put the number down. "And height."
"1.65 Metres." Sheldon muttered. "Times average height...How tall is Penny?"
"I don't know, go and ask her." Maria said irritably, and Sheldon paused, nodded and said hurriedly.
"Be right back." And left. Maria put the flip chart outside Sheldon's bedroom and locked the door, put ear plugs in that she had obtained on the flight (and had just known would come in handy) and settled down to sleep.
Meanwhile, Leonard and Penny were calmly asleep as Sheldon knocked on Penny's bedroom door (newly fitted with a 'Sheldon-proof' lock) calling their names. After some shuffling and muffled speech, Leonard opened the door a small crack.
"What is it Sheldon?" He asked, exhausted, and Sheldon held up a tape-measure.
"I need to know how tall Penny is."
"What?" Penny called from her bed, hearing her name.
"He wants to know how tall you are." Leonard relayed. Penny dropped her head back on her pillow and groaned.
"5ft 7inches." She called out, and Leonard went "There you go." And shut the door in Sheldon's face.
"Feet and inches? They really are backward in Nebraska. I'm surprised she didn't tell me in 'hands'." Sheldon quipped, turning away, and Penny's door opened and she appeared, seething.
"Are you saying I'm like a horse?" She asked sharply, and Sheldon stared at her, and at Leonard shaking his head frantically behind her.
"What, no, I'm saying that in Nebraska you haven't been introduced to the metric system yet, which let me tell you would explain alot." He said, and left the apartment quickly.
The morning saw Maria, Penny and Leonard discovering Sheldon with three boards around him, covered with numbers and words and a few names. He was staring at them carefully, highlighting different figures and noting them down.
"Sheldon, have you slept?" Maria asked gingerly as Leonard set the coffee machine up.
"Why would I sleep?" He asked distractedly.
"I don't know, to give us some peace?" Penny asked under her breath, and Maria smiled humourlessly.
"You got a visit from the Ghost Of Christmas Past too huh?" She asked, and Sheldon gave her a condescending shake of his head.
"That hypothesis is ridiculous, unless I had visited you three times in the same night there is no logical parallel to be drawn between myself and the three spectres from Charles Dickens' well-loved novel. Of course I do sympathise with Ebeneezer Scrooge, I think he had the right idea." He added with a warm (for Sheldon) smile.
"Call it pre-emptive; if I hadn't have locked the door you would have been the Ghost With The Black Eye." Maria responded, and Sheldon shook his head.
"Maria, you know your 'Love Algorithm' doesn't appear to make much sense. Do you have a paper on it? I searched online but didn't come to much fruition."
"I'm sorry?" Maria asked, running her fingers through her hair and staring at her brother as if an alien.
"A paper, written by the scientist who devised the Love Algorithm."
"Lady Gaga?" Penny asked, and Sheldon looked at her.
"You know who devised this theory?"
"Um, yeah." Penny said with a smile, "I do. I've, er, 'read' a lot of her theories actually." She said, pretty smug to be able to participate in the latest game of Sheldon-Baiting.
"And what do they say?" Sheldon asked curiously. Penny paused, feigning thought but really trying to keep a straight face. Leonard was watching with interest, alerted by the reference to 'Lady Gaga', and was looking at the board with the original algorithm on it with new eyes.
"They're quite radical, Sheldon, people think they're very controversial, you know." She said, overdoing the 'knowledgeable' look but Sheldon didn't notice. Maria dived into the fridge for one of the many Activia yoghurts Sheldon had bought her, and sniggered among the fruit juices to avoid detection.
"Really? I suppose anything to do with emotions can be considered controversial." He said, and then froze. "Wait a second. Emotions. Maria you can't seriously believe there's one set algorithm for emotions, they're completely unpredictable. I don't think you're thought this through at all, honestly." He said, and she straightened up, a bit pink, and utterly confused.
"I'm sorry?"
"This is just as ridiculous as your 'science' of translation." He said condescendingly, complete with air quotes.
"Wait, what?" Maria asked, glancing at Leonard and Penny and wondering just how long she'd zoned out on when she contemplated a phrase from her translation work with a new perspective whilst trying to prise apart the cardboard wrapped around a pack of Activia yoghurts.
"Sheldon I don't think you get what just happened." Leonard said, nudging Penny with intent. "Play him the song.
"No." Penny said with a grin, ready to watch her long-suffering boyfriend struggle.
"Penny..."
"I got it." Maria said finally. "Let me just get my iPod." She left them for a moment, and Penny sighed laboriously.
"Fun's over then." She said sadly, sitting down on the sofa. Without turning round Sheldon shook his head.
"Get out of my spot." His freakish spidey senses were proven correct as Penny growled loudly and shuffled over. Leonard sat down beside her and urged Sheldon to do the same as Maria came back through with her iPod.
"Right Sheldon, I'm going to play you a song and I want you to listen very carefully to the words." She said slowly, and he gave her a derisive look at her soothing way of speaking, so she pressed play and Lady Gaga blared out of the small device.
At the sound of the music Sheldon gave her a condescending look that made her feel like a thirteen year old again when she annoyed her older brother by playing The Rasmus loudly in her bedroom. It was fair to say her musical tastes had broadened since then, although where Gaga was concerned nothing was certain.
Penny was bobbing her head to the music and singing along, and Leonard was watching Sheldon to see if he got it. They watched as Sheldon looked at the Love Algorithm with confusion, and then stared at the iPod.
The song finished, and they all stared at Sheldon, who was propping his head up with his arm on the sofa.
"I don't get it." He said finally, looking at his sister, completely lost. She sighed and stood up, going over to his board and finding the Love Algorithm once more.
"One of the popular lines in this song is, Penny?"
"Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro mama gaga ooh la la, want your bad romance." She sang, grinning and mimicking the strange 'monster' dance from the music video.
"Thank you. Now look at the Love Algorithm Sheldon." Maria said, looking at her brothers continued expression of confusion. "Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro mama gaga ooh la la" She said slowly, pointing out the sections of the Love Algorithm that matched. "It's the words of the song put into a maths equation." She finished, and he stared at her for the longest minute of their lives. Sheldon stood up and adopted a new expression; one of outrage.
"It's not enough that you try to ruin the word 'Science' with your Languages," He said, derisively spitting the word 'languages' at their shocked faces. "But now you're ruining Math with Music! Well no, I won't allow it!" He said stroppily, and picked up the iPod, which was playing Bad Romance again, and walked to the window. Realising what he was about to do they all lunged forwards, shouting "NO!" but Sheldon was not deterred, opening the window and throwing the offending gadget out to the street below.
"Sheldon!" Maria yelled, and ran over to push him aside and look out of the window. "Go and pick it up right now!" She insisted, folding her arms across her chest and staring at him, looking like the older sibling compared to Sheldon's childish expression.
"Na-uh." Sheldon said, and stormed off into his bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind him.
"Ah! Sheldon Lee Cooper you're going to pay for this!" Maria shouted, and left the flat, presumably going to pick her iPod up. Leonard and Penny looked at each other.
"Wanna go see a movie?" Penny asked, and Leonard leapt up, nodding.
"Oh God yes. Quick, before they come back." He said, grabbing his keys and his jacket and they ran out.
Maria would be the last person to admit that, due to an iPod case that bounced and a generous cab driver, her iPod had been retrieved relatively damage free, although the shake-to-shuffle function now didn't work on cue, but rather shuffled her songs every so often when it felt like it.
But she was most definitely not talking to her brother, and Sheldon wasn't giving in either.
"Maybe we should call their mother?" Penny suggested one evening, sharing a bottle of wine with Leonard, and he shrugged.
"They are both adults." He countered, and she looked at him.
"Yes, but one of them is Sheldon. And given that Maria is related to him..." She said, and he sighed.
"You're right, of course. Give me the phone."
Mary Cooper was used to settling arguments between Sheldon and, well, the rest of the world. She began by telling Leonard off, saying she couldn't fight all of Sheldon's battles for him, but when Leonard explained the joke and how out of control Sheldon had gone upon the explanation, and well, before the explanation, she relented and promised she would give him a call.
In the flat (as Leonard had made the call from Penny's, ignoring her amusement at his fear of Sheldon's 'wrath'), Sheldon answered the phone, and immediately scowled across the room at his sister, who was working silently underneath a pile of papers, and sat in his spot.
"Maria tattled on me did she?" He said sulkily, and gave him a glare that was shockingly reminiscent of his mother's.
"Now Sheldon, is it true you threw Maria's little music gadget outta your window?" Mary Cooper asked broadly, and Sheldon folded his arms.
"Maybe. It was offending me."
"And what would you do if I threw your computer outta the window?"
"Mom! That is so not the same thing!" Sheldon said, his complaining bringing out the Texan accent he had grown up.
"Sheldon you're her big brother, now be nice to your little sister. She was just teasing." Mary said firmly. "I want you to apologise, kiss and make up."
"Mom, really? I'm not twelve years old anymore."
"Sheldon."
"...Fine." He hung up the phone and returned it to the cradle. "Why am I always the one who has to apologise after fights?" He asked himself rhetorically under his breath, fetching a soda from the fridge.
"Because you're the crazy one!" Maria said back, and when Sheldon jumped around to look at her she was sat as before, working away.
"I'm not crazy, Mom had me tested." He said, stalking over to her. "Maria...I'm sorry I threw your iPod out of the window." He said, holding his hand out. "I hope you'll accept my apology."
Maria shook his extended hand. "Apology accepted Sheldon. I'm sorry for upsetting you." She said sincerely, and carried on working away. After a moment she noticed that Sheldon's shadow was still looming over her, and she glanced up. "What is it?"
"You're in my spot."
So review if you liked it, tell me if you didn't! I do appreciate you taking the time to write me constructive criticism, but please don't waste your time writing insults as they don't help anyone and you'll get frown lines. And is the story really worth that?