What We'll Never Get To Have
After dinner Remus followed Sirius out to the grounds and watched him in the faint moonlight.
"Wanna roll?" Remus asked Sirius.
"You first!" Sirius agreed, moving out of the way for Remus to roll down a hill.
Remus threw his body down the hill with reckless abandon. Once he reached the bottom, his frame was covered by Sirius with his hair messed and eyes staring right into his own.
Remus felt that feeling of warmth spread throughout his chest and felt his heart beat hard against Sirius'. Remus still wasn't completely sure how Sirius felt about him but when Sirius' fingers gently replaced a stray strand of his golden hair away from his face, Remus knew that Sirius would understand his feelings—that is, if he didn't already feel the same way.
Sirius smiled down at Remus' shamelessly truthful eyes and felt his heart melt.
"Remus," Sirius began. Sirius hesitated for a moment as he saw lines appear on the partially hair covered forehead of the boy underneath him.
"Yeah?"
"How-how long?" Sirius screwed up his face and threw the question out. "How long have you wanted this?"
Remus closed his eyes, a slight smile lingering on his features.
"A little over two years, Sirius; two painful, agonizing years."
Remus had closed his eyes because he didn't think he could look Sirius in the eye. It's one thing to love someone so deeply while you're in the shadows and they don't have the faintest idea. But when you come out and kiss someone- everything changes.
And Remus wasn't sure that he wanted that.
For two years he had been replaying and fantasizing about what could happen between the two of them. Remus knew that they understood each other like no one else did. For Remus that was one reason to love Sirius more. Sometimes though, there were moments when Remus thought what might happen if they passed up this opportunity to be happy together. He felt like crying for joy at the thought of them as a couple. He was sure it could work. Then there were the times when he felt like he was the scum of the earth for loving Sirius like he did. What would people think? Could they bear that pressure? And what would happen if they didn't work as a couple? Their friendship would be seriously scarred. Remus wasn't sure that he wanted to try their relationship that much. He loved Sirius too much to be with him; but Remus learned to push those feelings of doubt away.
Sirius couldn't read any of this on Remus' face. He lowered his cheek to Remus' and spoke three words that he had been dying to say,
"I love you."
Remus' heart stopped when Sirius said those words. Inside Remus was screaming in agony that he never knew existed.
No, no, no, NO! I'll drag you down. I'll kill you! Please, reject me. I can handle rejection—I'm used to it! I can't handle acceptance. I won't be able to hold up my end of the deal and I'll ruin it! The only thing that scares me more that loving you is the possibility—however remote—is that I'll fall out of love with you and we'll both shatter and never... And never anything. We'll destroy ourselves through each other.
"I love you too, Sirius." Remus said.
Remus turned his face and watched Sirius' lips approach his own. He felt those desirable lips press his own lips against his teeth. Sirius pulled away with lit up eyes and an uncertain expression partially hidden behind his exultant facade.
"You're more than I could ever ask for Sirius. More than I ever deserve. More than I will ever have." Remus whispered the last sentence as his heart broke.
"We can't do this. And you know it."
Sirius' mask crumbled. A heaving sob wrenched through his body. Remus could feel the convulsions ripple through to his own body.
As Sirius sobbed dryly and hit the ground that they were laying upon Remus felt silent tears slide from his eyes. These tears didn't feel like they came from his eyes. They were from his heart. He was choking. He had to get away.
With a strength neither of them knew he had, Remus shoved Sirius off him. Remus thought of running but one look at Sirius laying sprawled on the ground, face so utterly open and bleeding his feelings—he just couldn't go.
Sirius crawled over to Remus, trying to understand why they couldn't just try. There was no harm in trying, right? But in his mind and his heart Sirius knew that anything they tried wouldn't work in the ways that they both had dreamed.
"I love you still." Sirius said defiantly.
"I love you still too." Remus replied, an icy hot pain fill his whole being. "But that doesn't mean we can't move on together. We need each other and that's a fact. But being together like we want to be... We need each other!"
Remus finished in frustration. He knew Sirius understood—he always understood. At the same time though, Remus wished Sirius didn't understand. He wanted Sirius more than he wanted to be alive. He would do anything and everything Sirius would and could ever ask him. Except this. Remus wouldn't put them through this emotional upheaval that surely would lead to two broken hearts and one broken friendship.
Sirius' head bowed for a minute, his hands finding Remus'.
Holding hands we'll fall.
A lopsided smile slid into place on Sirius' face as he looked at Remus.
"You're not asking me to ignore how sexy you are though, right?"
Remus blushed slightly but grinned none the less.
"Love and lust... They're not exactly the same thing, but they're not exactly polar opposites either."
To provide a better understandable answer, Remus leaned forward and kissed Sirius briefly.
"Anytime, anywhere—I'm yours."
Sirius smiled as he bit his lip, burning the feeling of Remus into his memory.
"I'll hold you to that mate."
Remus smiled as they rose to their feet.
"It'll be my pleasure."